Chapter 14
O' Christmas tree
JAMES
"Absolutely not." I fold my arms across my chest for effect, but I think my argument is falling on deaf ears. "Artificial trees are practical, economical, and don't drop needles everywhere for weeks. Plus, they're significantly less likely to burn the house down."
Saturday afternoon, and somehow this has become the most heated debate the DPO house has seen since the Great Pizza Topping Controversy of last spring. The subject? Christmas trees.
Brilliant. My Saturday has devolved into a Christmas tree debate club.
"James, my friend, you're missing the entire point of Christmas," Drew says, looking personally wounded by my logical stance. Our frat president is wearing a Santa hat proudly. "It's about tradition! The experience! The smell!"
"The smell of potential electrical fires when the dry branches touch the lights?"
Beside me on the couch, Caleb snorts. "Not to mention the smell of consumerism and capitalism."
He's draped across the corner of the couch, one arm stretched along the back cushions, looking irritated and gorgeous in equal measure. How he manages to make annoyance look attractive is beyond comprehension.
"Hashtag team artificial," Cameron chimes in from the armchair. "My family got a pre-lit one five years ago and never looked back. You literally unfold it and plug it in."
"That's soulless," Tyler argues. "Something about going out as a group, picking the perfect tree, bringing it home... It's special."
"Getting sap all over your car, vacuuming pine needles until Easter, watering it daily so it doesn't become kindling." No one's listening to me anyway.
"Our two favourite grinches," Gavin laughs, entering the room with a tray of hot chocolate. "At least you've found each other to be miserable with."
"Fuck off, Gavin," Caleb and I say at the same time..
The room erupts in laughter and a chorus of "Jinx!" Heat creeps up my ears while I avoid looking at Caleb.
"See? They even share one grumpy brain now," Gavin says, sounding delighted as he hands out mugs of hot chocolate.
"We're simply the only two people here with functioning frontal lobes," Caleb says, accepting a mug with a nod of thanks.
"The tree farm experience is part of brotherhood," Drew insists, steering us back to the topic at hand. "We need these traditions. Plus, our common room opens to the second floor, we have the perfect space for a massive, real Christmas tree."
"He's been planning this since July," Tyler stage-whispers.
Drew flips him off and continues making his case for a real tree. "We each pitch in twenty bucks, get a big beautiful tree, decorate it together, it'll be the last bonding activity before finals."
Eyes roll all around the room, but I have the balls to argue further with Drew. "Nothing says 'focus on academics' like spending six hours decorating a tree."
"Four hours, tops," Drew says, totally serious.
I catch Caleb's eye and see he's trying just as hard not to smile. It's weirdly satisfying to be annoyed about the same thing as someone else.
"Fine. But if this thing catches fire, full rights reserved to say 'I told you so' while the house burns down around us."
"Noted in the official frat minutes," Marcos says, not looking up from his phone.
"Wonderful!" Drew claps his hands like a kindergarten teacher. "The tree farm opens at three. We'll head out in an hour."
As everyone heads to different places, Caleb leans in slightly. "You gave in too easily. Now I'm the lone grinch."
"Sorry to abandon you on Grinch Mountain. But this is a losing battle. Drew's been in full Christmas mode since Halloween ended. I’m conserving energy here."
"Smart," he concedes.
Comfortable silence settles between us, his hand resting close to my shoulder along the back of the couch. Too close. Don't think about it.
"You don't have to come, you know."
Shouldn't have said that. Caleb's already stuck doing enough fake boyfriend activities without adding Christmas tree shopping to the list.
"I'm only going because photographer duty calls. Social media and alumni outreach never sleep."
Caleb shrugs. "What else am I going to do? Study for finals like a responsible student?"
"God forbid."
His mouth quirks up at one corner. "Besides, someone has to help you explain fire safety to these idiots."
He makes me laugh.
Fuck I like when his mouth does that almost smile. "Your sacrifice is noted and appreciated."
An hour later, I'm squeezed into the middle seat of Gavin's truck. For some reason, it’s Tyler driving and Gavin has shotgun, so I’m stuck between Caleb and a pledge named Rick. Drew's SUV is ahead of us, carrying four more brothers, and Cameron's sedan brings up the rear of our ridiculous convoy.
"Isn't this great?" Gavin turns around, beaming. "Ten grown men going to pick out a Christmas tree together. It's like we're in a Hallmark movie."
"If this were a Hallmark movie, at least one of us would be a secret prince," I mutter.
"You watch Hallmark movies?" Tyler sounds genuinely surprised.
"Sometimes." Defensive now. "They're formulaic and predictable. That's the point."
"The Webmaster watches Hallmark movies," Gavin crows delightedly. "This is the best day of my life."
"Oh shut it. You probably cry during the proposal scenes."
"Every single time," Gavin admits without shame. "The one where the guy shows up with the Christmas tree farm deed? Destroyed me."
"I watch them with my mom," Rick says quietly from beside me. "She used to watch them with my dad before he..." He trails off. "Makes her happy, you know? So we watch them together."
The car goes quiet for a beat.
"Real men watch Hallmark movies," Gavin declares, reaching back to fist-bump Rick. "And real men cry during them too."
Rick's smile is small but real as he returns the bump.
"Okay, but seriously," Tyler says, steering us back to safer ground, "why is there always a bakery? Or a coffee shop? Or both?"
"And the woman is always a workaholic from the city who's forgotten the true meaning of Christmas," I add.
"There's always some big charity event to save something,” Caleb says dryly. "A toy drive or a Christmas festival that's losing funding."
"Don't forget the childhood friend who's now conveniently hot," Gavin chimes in.
"The guy always owns some adorable small-town business," Rick says, warming up. "Like a Christmas tree farm. Or a toy shop."
"There's a big city boyfriend who's always a corporate dick," Tyler laughs.
"And a meddling relative who pushes them together," I finish. "Usually a grandmother."
"Oh! And there's always a kid who believes in Santa," Rick adds with more confidence now.
"The kid always says something wise beyond their years that makes the main character realize what really matters," Caleb deadpans.
"You've clearly watched a lot of these," I say, glancing at him.
He shrugs. "My mother hosts holiday events. Hallmark movies play on a loop in the sitting room. Unavoidable exposure."
"Don't forget the main character type," Gavin adds.
Caleb shifts beside me, our shoulders pressing together in the confined space. "A workaholic who needs to rediscover the true meaning of Christmas through the love of a quirky small-town tree farmer."
"I can be quirky," Gavin offers.
"You're many things, Gavin, but 'quirky small-town tree farmer' isn't one of them," Tyler says, while keeping his eyes on the road.
“I could wear flannel and bring all the girls to my farm, hoping to be the one to catch my heart.” Gavin waggles his eyebrows, and we all start laughing.
"Oh, oh! You know what?" he practically yells. "I'd watch the hell out of a gay Hallmark movie where two grumpy guys get forced to plan a frat Christmas party and fall in love."
The laughter explodes around us as Caleb and I both say "Fuck off, Gavin" in perfect unison.
"Who said I was talking about you two?" Gavin waves wildly at us. "But, you do have the synchronized responses down. It's perfect."
"I hate you," I say as I pull out my phone to check the frat's social media accounts, hyper-aware of Caleb's thigh pressed against mine. Every time the car turns, we get pushed together a little more.
"James, put the phone away," Gavin scolds. "This is quality bonding time."
"I'm the social media manager. This is my job."
"Your job today is to enjoy the Christmas spirit," he insists.
"I'm allergic to Christmas spirit." I puff out my chest so the guys can all read what my shirt says today, 'Christmas Spirit? Never heard of her.
"I have an EpiPen," Caleb adds dryly.
Gavin turns entirely in his seat, somehow folding his massive frame to face us.
"Yeah, well, I counter you and raise you this!
" He pulls his hoodie over his head to show off the ugliest Christmas tee I've ever seen.
Rick, the pledge, starts coughing; he's laughing hard as we all stare at "Hung Well," with a large felt stocking glued to it.
I have to pat the pledge on the back until he can breathe again. Gavin beams at us. "You two are the perfect Christmas couple. All grumpy on the outside but secretly soft on the inside."
"Nothing soft about me," I say, immediately regretting my word choice as several eyebrows raise suggestively.
"Caleb's a lucky man," Rick says with a shit-eating grin.
I glare at him. "You're still on probation, pledge. I can make your life very difficult."
Rick goes pale, and I feel Caleb shaking with silent laughter beside me.
"Leave the grinches alone," Tyler says, though he's smiling too. "Not everyone needs to be as Christmas-obsessed as Drew."
"Thank you," Caleb says. "One tree shopping expedition and I'm maxed out on holiday cheer for the year."
"Oh, this is just the beginning," Gavin says gleefully. "Drew has a whole Christmas bucket list. More Ice skating, gingerbread houses, a holiday movie marathon..."
I groan. "Did we join a fraternity or Santa's workshop?"
"Both, apparently," Tyler answers cheerfully as we pull into the tree farm's parking lot.