Chapter 27
Auld Lang Syne
JAMES
Slipping out onto the balcony off the second floor, I'm grateful for the bite of cold air against my face. Inside, the New Year's Eve party rages on, music pumping, people laughing, and the countdown to midnight is still hours away.
Out here, I can finally breathe without feeling like I'm putting on an act. It's tiring always being the grumpy guy while helping everyone with their computer problems. Tonight, my T-shirt says it all: I Came. I Saw. I Tolerated.
God, I'm an asshole to be around lately.
I want to hide away with my coding, where everything follows logical rules, not this mess of emotions I don't know how to deal with.
Drew finds me, of course. The president has a sixth sense for when someone is avoiding the group. He's always been good at keeping tabs on all his brothers, even the antisocial ones like me.
"Hiding?" He hands me a beer, leaning against the railing beside me.
"Strategic retreat." The cold bottle is good against my palm; it grounds me.
"You know, when you and Caleb got together, you were starting to come out of your shell more," Drew says carefully. "I'd hate to see you go back to full cave troll mode."
A loud snort bursts from my nose. "I wasn't that bad."
"James, you spent your first year here coding in your room. The guys used to check if you had a pulse."
He's not wrong. When I pledged three years ago after Drew's relentless badgering, the kid wouldn't shut up about "brotherhood" and "belonging somewhere”.
I figured, what the hell. Made it out of foster care, got into university against all odds.
Might as well try the whole university experience.
Everyone welcomed me, but I stayed on the periphery, watching, rarely participating.
It wasn't until Caleb arrived with his matching grumpy attitude that something shifted.
Our mutual disdain for small talk somehow made socializing easier. Something about his privileged-but-trying-not-to-be-an-asshole vibe resonated with me. Plus, he actually understood when I talked about the LGBTQ+ websites I was rebuilding.
"I'm fine," Lie. "Just taking a breather." My fingers instinctively reach for the phone in my pocket, a habit that kicks in when I'm uncomfortable, and I want to check the social media accounts I manage for the fraternity.
Drew doesn't call me on it, but his expression says he knows better. "Come inside soon? The guys miss you."
After he leaves, I stare at the stars, trying to sort through the mess in my head.
The truth that's been nagging at me surfaces again: I was falling in love with Caleb.
No, I am falling in love with Caleb, even after everything and even knowing his family's political aspirations and how complicated that makes things.
Even knowing that I've never been someone people stick around for.
I'm fucking terrified. What if everyone sees me the way Caleb did in that moment, someone who'd sell out for money? What if that's who I really am to people?
How did I read him so wrong? If I couldn't see this coming, what else am I missing? Who else is pretending?
An hour later, I've migrated to one of the smaller gathering spots, the game room, where a handful of guys are playing pool. It feels manageable here, away from the main party.
Gavin drops onto the couch beside me, his massive frame making the furniture creak.
"Plans for the spring semester?" he asks, clearly trying to distract me.
My fingers tap against my thigh. "Same as always. Classes, coding, frat stuff." The familiar rhythm of my life is as predictable as the syntax of a well-written program.
"You're still handling the website, right?" There's a note of concern in his voice, like he's worried I might withdraw from my responsibilities. It's almost touching that someone would notice if I were to disappear.
"Of course." My now-warm beer makes my nose crinkle as I swallow. "I'm not quitting anything." Not that I have anywhere else to go. The frat is the closest thing to permanent I've known.
Gavin nods, looking relieved. "Good. We'd be screwed without our tech wizard.
" His massive frame shifts beside me, and I wonder if he realizes how much the guys depend on me.
Between the website, social media accounts, and rescuing their malware-infected laptops after their late-night porn binges, I'm keeping this place functioning digitally.
The conversation shifts to safer things: classes, upcoming events, anything but Caleb. What surprises me most about this whole situation is how little anger I feel; instead, all I feel is a hollow ache, a resignation that exhausts me.
Would I ever trust him again? Could I? The questions circle in my mind like a shark.
"James!" A voice breaks through my thoughts.
Haru, our Christmas stray, is approaching with another guy I don't recognize. Haru has loosened up considerably since Christmas, though he still bows slightly before sitting down.
"I have brought a friend," Haru announces proudly, like he's accomplished something significant. "This is—"
"Antonio De Luca," the newcomer interjects, adjusting his glasses nervously. "But, uh, Luca is fine." He offers a hand that's slightly trembling.
His grip is surprisingly firm, calculated. Practiced, like he's read a WikiHow article on proper handshakes.
"Luca and I share Japanese Linguistics," Haru explains.
"I'm a Computer Science and Japanese double major," Luca adds in what is clearly a practiced introduction.
"I find programming languages and human languages share fascinating structural similarities, particularly in the way syntax errors can completely alter intended meaning.
" He stops abruptly, as if reaching the end of a rehearsed speech.
Gavin grins. "Dude, you code? James is our resident hacker."
Luca's eyes widen behind his glasses. "Application development or system architecture? I'm currently exploring neural network implementations with—"
"And this is how we lose them," Gavin interrupts good-naturedly, jumping up to clap Luca on the shoulder, which makes him stumble slightly. "Drinks first, tech talk later."
Gavin has this way of making people feel welcome even when they're being awkward, and it makes me smile. It reminds me of my early days here, when I'd hover at the edges until someone inevitably pulled me in.
"Gavin," Haru says suddenly, "I have been meaning to ask about this 'pledging' process. What does it entail?"
Gavin's face lights up like someone told him Christmas is happening twice this year. "Are you thinking of rushing? That would be awesome!"
"I am... considering options," Haru says carefully.
Gavin practically vibrates with excitement.
This is his element, and recruitment mode is activated.
Poor Haru probably has no idea what he's unleashed.
Last time someone casually asked about pledging, Gavin created a thirty-slide presentation complete with testimonials and statistics on brotherhood retention rates.
I made a website for it, which I'm still oddly proud of, despite the ridiculous premise.
Haru meets my eyes briefly, and I give him a small smirk that I hope communicates "brace yourself." If Gavin gets his way, we'll have both Luca and Haru pledging by the end of the night. Not that it would be terrible, we could use more guys who understand what a firewall is besides me.
"Dude, I can tell you everything!" Gavin stands; I don't think he realizes how tall he is, towering over the two much shorter men. "Come on, let's talk to some other guys too."
Before I can say anything, Gavin has dragged Haru away, leaving me with Luca, who looks both scared and interested.
"Is he always so... energetic?" Luca asks.
"Gavin's our resident golden retriever. You get used to it."
Luca studies me for a moment, his head tilting slightly. "I hope this isn't overstepping, but... You seem a bit sad." His voice quiets. "Social gatherings are hard enough when you're happy. They must be exhausting when you're not."
His unexpected perceptiveness throws me off balance. I try to make an effort; no reason to make this guy uncomfortable with my drama.
"Sorry, it's not you. It's just..." My eyes instinctively scan the room, betraying me by searching for Caleb. He's talking to Tyler. As if sensing my gaze, he looks up, our eyes meeting briefly before we both look away. I nod in Caleb's direction. "That's my ex-boyfriend. Also a frat brother."
Bracing myself for the typical awkward reaction, the slight widening of eyes, the forced casualness, or worse, the uncomfortable silence that follows when some guys learn they're talking to someone gay.
Instead, Luca follows my gaze, and his expression softens with genuine sympathy. "Oh." He fiddles with the sleeve of his shirt. "That must be hard. I've only had one boyfriend, but when we broke up, I took a different route to classes for a month to avoid seeing him."
He looks back at me with earnest eyes. "I can't imagine living in the same house. I hope... I hope you're doing okay?"
The simple kindness in his question makes something in my chest loosen slightly.
"I'm working on it. Thanks."
Luca nods, a small, understanding smile appearing. "If it gets too overwhelming, we could talk about programming languages instead. That always helps me when I'm upset." He shrugs shyly. "Though Haru says I need to stop using coding as emotional avoidance."
I laugh. "Your friend might have a point, but I appreciate the offer."
The party builds toward midnight, and the house gets crowded as guys return from dinner or other parties. I move through the rooms like a ghost, making small talk when necessary, but mostly keeping to myself.
Ten minutes before midnight, I find a quiet corner to hide in, not ready to face the traditional countdown. The thought of everyone around me celebrating while I'm falling apart inside is too much.
"James."