15. Myles #2
Feeling guilty for not being fully present, I force myself to focus on my date. Marco really is a great guy, and I don't want to waste his time. I know I need to be honest with him about my feelings, or lack thereof.
But that's a conversation for later. For now, I'll enjoy the company of this charming, funny man and this delicious food. And who knows? Maybe we can still find common ground as friends.
As the evening wears on, I find myself growing more introspective. The clink of silverware against plates and the murmur of conversation around us fade into the background as I search for the right words to share with Marco.
"Marco," I begin, my voice sounding strangely distant to my ears, "there's something I need to tell you."
His eyes, warm and attentive, focus on me. "What's up?"
"Since my wife, Cara, passed away a year ago, I've been... well, trying to figure out who I am." I pause, feeling a sudden weight in my chest. "As a person, I mean."
"Hey, that's completely understandable," Marco replies gently. "It's never easy losing someone you love, and it's natural to go through a process of self-discovery afterward."
"Thanks for understanding," I say, touched by his empathy. "It's just... it's been hard, you know? Re-evaluating everything, trying to pick up the pieces."
"Of course," he nods, offering a smile. "But don't forget you're allowed to take your time and heal at your own pace. There's no rush."
I appreciate his kindness, but as we continue to talk, my thoughts again drift towards Tristan.
Maybe it doesn’t make sense to try to pursue a relationship with him, you know?
When I was a sports agent, I knew dozens of men Tristan's age, and for many of them, the last thing on their mind was being in a serious, loving, monogamous relationship.
It was all about the chase, having sex with multiple people, and remaining single for as long as possible.
For many of them, kids were not on their agenda either.
"Hey, Earth to Myles," Marco says, playfully snapping his fingers in front of my face. "You okay there?"
"Sorry," I chuckle sheepishly. "Just lost in thought, I guess."
"Must be some pretty deep thoughts," he teases, a mischievous gleam in his eye. "Anything you want to share with the class?"
"Uh, not really." I try to brush it off. "Just, you know, life stuff."
"Ah, life stuff," he nods sagely. "The most mysterious of all stuff."
We share a laugh, but deep down, I feel the undeniable truth gnawing at me. As lovely as Marco is, he's just not the one for me. He could make a great friend, sure, but my heart longs for someone else.
"Anyway," I say, steering the conversation back on track, "I think it's important for me to explore new parts of myself.
That might mean trying new hobbies or meeting new people...
or going on a date with a handsome, sixth-grade teacher.
" I try to offer him a flirtatious grin, but I think I failed miserably.
"Hey, I'm always up for helping people rediscover themselves," Marco laughs, clearly enjoying the banter. "And who knows? Maybe we'll both learn something new about ourselves along the way."
His words resonate with me, and I can't help but think of Tristan again—the stunning, young man with, I'm sure, so much love to give.
It surprises me that it doesn't even matter that I'd never once in my forty-two years even thought of any guy in a romantic way, much less considered dating one.
I guess after losing the person I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, making a big deal about loving a person of a particular gender is the least of my concerns.
It's about loving someone with all my heart and soul and hoping that love will be reciprocated.
It's about being with someone who gets you, a person who sees you at your worst and knows all your faults but chooses to love you anyway, someone who is willing to tolerate you for the rest of your lives together.
"Cheers to that," I say, raising my glass. As our glasses clink together, I can't help but hope whatever the future holds, it will lead me to happiness… and perhaps even a second chance at love.
As Marco and I finish our dessert, the sweetness of the coffee-flavored dessert lingers on my tongue.
My stomach feels full and content, yet my heart remains heavy with uncertainty.
Marco's laughter fills the air around us like a warm embrace, but it doesn't take away the nagging feeling that something is missing.
"Let me get the bill," Marco insists, waving away my attempt to reach for my wallet. His smile is genuine, his eyes twinkling with kindness.
"Are you sure?" I ask, knowing our meal wasn't exactly cheap. But Marco nods, his determination evident.
"Absolutely, it's my treat."
Before we part ways, Marco takes a deep breath and looks me in the eye. "Myles, I had a great time tonight. And I think you're an amazing guy, but I can tell you're not attracted to me," he says gently, and I can't help but admire his honesty.
I feel the need to apologize, heat rising in my cheeks. How did he know? Was I that transparent? Still, I feel a rush of gratitude for his understanding. "I'm sorry, Marco. You're an incredible person, but...
"Hey, no worries!" Marco reassures me, his voice warm and understanding. "I'd be happy if we could be book buddies, since we share a love for the same genres. And maybe I could convince you to join my hiking club sometime?"
My lips curl into a grateful smile as relief washes over me. "I'd like that," I say sincerely, appreciating his offer of friendship.
"Great! Let's exchange numbers and stay in touch, yeah?" Marco suggests, pulling out his phone. The soft glow of the screen illuminates his face as we swap contact information.
"Perfect," I reply, feeling genuinely excited about the prospect of our newfound friendship.
"See you around, Myles," Marco says with a warm smile, extending his hand for a friendly handshake. His grip is firm and reassuring, a tangible reminder of the connection we've forged tonight.
"Definitely. Take care, man," I reply, giving his hand a final squeeze before we part ways. As I step out into the crisp air, my thoughts drift back to Tristan—his kind eyes, his gentle touch, the kisses we've shared, getting naked with him, and the way he makes me feel alive again.