18. Tristan
EIGHTEEN
TRISTAN
I'm sitting on Myles's couch, staring at the TV but not really watching it.
My mind is racing, torn between wanting Myles to heal from losing Cara and wanting him all to myself.
There's something about him that I can't resist—his openness, his honesty, his charm, the way he adores his son.
Ugh, my brain feels like it's playing ping pong with my heart.
When Myles asked me to babysit—kidsit—for him while he was on his date with Jenna, I agreed despite completely hating the fact that he'll be with someone that's not me. But how could I refuse the man I was falling for, and his son whom I adore? Spending time with the little man is no hardship. And how could I say, even if it's to myself, that I care about Myles but then won’t do him this small favor. And besides, he’d told me about the falling out he’d had with his in-laws.
It saddened me when I heard the news, but I supported his decision one hundred percent.
"Tristan, can you help me with this math problem?" Nix asks, bringing me back to reality.
"Sure thing, buddy," I reply, forcing a smile and focusing on him.
We sit at the dining table, Nix's math homework spread out in front of us. I guide him through the steps, and we make a pretty solid team. After we finish, Nix grabs one of his favorite storybooks.
"Can we read this together?" he asks, eyes wide with excitement.
"Of course," I say, unable to deny him anything.
As we take turns reading aloud, I can't help but get lost in the story, too. It's a moment of genuine happiness and peace amidst my internal chaos. Nix's laughter fills the room as we bring the characters to life.
"Okay, time for dinner," I announce after we finish the book. Together, we prepare loaded chicken nachos—a culinary masterpiece, if I do say so myself. We dig in, savoring each delicious bite, the cheesy goodness momentarily distracting me from thoughts about Myles.
It's 8:30 PM when Nix starts yawning, rubbing his eyes. "Alright, little man, time for bed," I say gently, coaxing him to brush his teeth and put on his pajamas. He grumbles but obeys, and I tuck him into bed, making sure he's comfortable.
"Goodnight, Tristan," Nix whispers sleepily.
"Goodnight, Nix," I reply, a genuine smile on my face.
"Dad will be home soon?"
"You'll see your dad first thing in the morning.” Before I even finished the sentence, the boy was in dreamland.
I stand in the doorway, watching Nix sleep. The soft rise and fall of his chest is rhythmic and calming. I can't help but notice how much he looks like his dad—those same thick lashes resting against his cheeks, the curve of his nose, that mop of thick hair.
"Chip off the old handsome block, huh?" I muse to myself, smiling despite the whirlwind of emotions that continue to plague me.
With one last lingering glance at the sleeping child who's stolen my heart almost as much as his father has, I close the door and head back to the living room.
Alone with my thoughts, the weight of my feelings for Myles comes crashing back down.
I suppress a sigh as my thoughts drift back to him, and the way he looked when he left for his date with Jenna.
"Damn him for looking so good," I grumble under my breath, remembering Myles's sky-blue button-down clinging to his toned chest, and those dark jeans accentuating every inch of his perfectly-sculpted legs. I know Jenna will appreciate his sexiness, and the thought makes my stomach churn.
Get a grip, Tristan. It's not like you have any claim on him, I scold myself, trying to maintain some semblance of reason.
But God, it's been a year since Cara died, and I can't help but wonder if tonight will be the night Myles finally moves on, physically at least. Would Jenna make the first move?
Or would Myles be the one to initiate things?
God, I hope he won't spend the night at Jenna's place.
If they fuck, I don't think I'll survive it.
Stop torturing yourself with these thoughts, I chastise myself, feeling an odd mix of anger and frustration. My usually sarcastic wit seems lost, replaced by this tormenting desire for a man who might be slipping through my fingers.
"Maybe if I’d said something earlier… No, too late now," I mutter quietly, raking my fingers through my hair. I force myself to focus on the present, the sounds of the apartment settling around me.
I need a drink, I think, considering the possibility of raiding Myles's liquor cabinet. But no, I can't let myself go down that path. I need to be present and clear-headed, in case Nix wakes up or needs me.
"Alright, Tristan, pull yourself together," I tell myself firmly. "You've got this."
Maybe I'll start with a cup of tea, I decide, hoping the warmth and soothing aroma will help ease the maelstrom inside me. And who knows? Maybe I'll find a good book to read.
But deep down, I know no matter how hard I try to distract myself, Myles will continue to haunt my thoughts, leaving me torn between wanting him to be happy and yearning for him to be mine.
I let out a sigh.
"I should just call someone," I mutter to myself, grabbing my phone.
I scroll through the contacts, considering.
"Netflix and chill" sounds like a good distraction, doesn't it?
But as my eyes pass over each name, I find myself hesitating.
There's something that makes me pause every time, and I know just what it is: none of these people are Myles.
Ugh, this is pathetic, I think, rolling my eyes at my own desperation.
I don't need a random hookup, I need... him…
I need Myles. Admitting it feels like a weight off my chest, but at the same time, it only adds to the complexity of the situation.
How can I want someone so much when they're not even mine to begin with?
Maybe reading will help, I thought, reaching for one of the books on Myles's shelf. I try to lose myself in the words, but my thoughts keep drifting back to Myles and Jenna. Are they having fun? Do they have that spark? The thought of them together twists my stomach into knots.
"Alright, enough," I snap, putting the book down and turning on the TV. I flip through channels, settling on some mindless reality show. There. This should numb my brain enough to forget about them.
But it doesn't work. Nothing seems to distract me from the gnawing feeling that Myles might be falling for Jenna. What if he comes home tonight with his eyes shining, telling me all about their amazing date? What if he decides she's the one who can help him heal, not me?
I need to find a way to distract myself from these thoughts, even if it's just for a little while.
“Okay, Tristan, stop pacing,” I scold myself, realizing I've been wearing a path into the floor. I peek into Nix's room, relieved to see he's still sleeping soundly. "At least one of us can relax tonight," I mutter, closing the door gently.
"Deep breaths," I remind myself. "Just focus on something else, anything else.
" But even as I try to push the thoughts away, they cling stubbornly, refusing to be forgotten.
And in that moment, I know that no matter what happens with Myles and Jenna tonight, my feelings for him aren't going anywhere.
Never in my life have I talked out loud to myself until tonight. I don't even know what to think of this new development.
The sudden rattling of the door jerks me out of my thoughts, and I glance at my watch. Not even 9:30 yet. Myles shouldn't be back so soon, right? Unless... Nope, Tristan, don't go there. With a sigh, I tiptoe to the door and peer through the peephole.
"Great," I mutter sarcastically. "It's just the guy I'm trying not to think about."
"Tristan?" Myles's voice filters through the door, sounding anxious. "You in there?"
"Yeah, hang on," I say, fumbling with the lock before swinging the door open.
The sight that greets me has my mouth going dry: Myles, standing on the doorstep with his hair slightly mussed; I fucking hoping it wasn't Jenna's fingers running through it.
But his expression... his expression looks like he's been through an emotional wringer.
What's wrong?
"Hey," he says softly, his eyes searching mine. "I couldn't go through with it."
My heart skips a beat. "What are you really saying, Myles?"
"I'm saying that I didn't go on the date with Jenna."
I can't help the snort that slips out. "Really? You expect me to believe you left a hot date with Jenna to come back home and do what, exactly?
"Be with you. ”Myles's gaze is steady, serious.
Without hesitation, I reach out, gripping his shoulders to pull him into my arms. Our bodies press together, and it feels like coming home. My lips crash to his with a fierce and passionate kiss that speaks of all the longing and desire I've kept at bay for far too long.
Don't ask me who closed and locked the front door or how we got into Myles's bedroom, because I don’t know. All I know is that this is the man I've been pining for—lusting after—for months, and now he's in my arms. We’ve only barely pulled apart to grab some air before I pull Myles back to me.
I whisper his name, my voice barely audible above the sound of our breath. My heart is pounding, and I feel my cheeks flush with heat.
Myles smiles, his eyes twinkling with mischief.
Emotion swells my heart as my gaze follows the soft curve of his lips, and I see the unspoken invitation in his eyes. Without a word, I lean forward and touch my lips to his.
This kiss is gentle and tender. I feel an electric spark run through my body as his lips move against mine. My body aches to feel closer, and like a magnet, I plaster myself to him. We move together as one, our passion and desire building with every breath.
And God, is he hard... and hot.
Myles wants me. He fucking wants me just as badly as I want him.
The sensation of his hot breath against my lips is overwhelming. I'm so lost in the feeling of being in his arms, my heart racing with each kiss. I feel my skin tingle with anticipation as his tongue finds mine. We explore each other, tasting the sweet nectar of each other's lips.
The kiss deepens, growing in intensity. I gasp as his hands find the small of my back, sending jolts of pleasure up my spine. The sensation is both tantalizing and overwhelming. I feel my world spinning, as if I’m standing outside myself watching this happen in some kind of dream.
Eventually the kiss slows, and I raise my gaze to meet Myles’s. As I look into his eyes, I see my own reflection mirrored there. We reluctantly part, both breathless, and I feel a wave of emotions sweep over me. I feel so close to him, so connected, and the intensity of the moment overwhelms me.
"That was incredible," I gasp, my voice barely more than a whisper.
"I'm serious, Tristan," Myles says, his voice firm. "I can't stop thinking about you. And I realized tonight that I don't want to."
"Even though you've spent the past year mourning Cara?
Even though you've got Nix to think about?
" I ask, the words tumbling out despite myself.
I want so badly to believe him, but I can't let myself get carried away by my feelings for him until I know he’s right there with me.
The heart can lie to itself, but the head knows the truth.
"I am thinking of Nix," Myles replies, determination etched on his face. "He needs a parent who's happy, and I can't be that if I'm denying my feelings."
"Your feelings?" I echo, trying to wrap my head around the idea of Myles actually having feelings for me.
"Tristan," he breathes, stepping closer. "I want you. All of you. And you're not leaving this apartment until you know how serious I am."
"Fine," I say, my voice shaking. "Prove it."
Myles doesn't hesitate, his hands grasping my shoulders as he tugs me toward him. Our lips crash together, and my resolve crumbles like a house of cards in a hurricane. This is what I've been wanting—no, needing—for so long. And now that it's here, I can't believe it's real.
"Is this proof enough for you?" Myles murmurs against my lips, his breath warm and sweet.
"Maybe," I reply, my grin cheeky despite the tears prickling at the corners of my eyes. "But I might need a little more convincing."
"Good," Myles says, his smile lighting up his face. "Because I plan on spending the rest of the night showing you just how much I want you."