Chapter Eighteen
Many Christmases ago, I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away (to your football team)
Ivy
I really am trapped in a holiday version of The Shining . Only instead of evil spirits, I m sharing space with a house full of mischievous matchmakers. No more letting my guard down around this crew, that s for sure.
When I finish helping clean dishes after supper and spot Nana and Janey attempting to hang mistletoe from the living room ceiling fan, I decide it s a good time to take Hamish for a walk.
One pretend kiss with Beau is all I can handle.
Any more kisses like that and I might start getting ideas.
Real ideas. The sort of real ideas that would ruin my plan and eventually lead to disaster down the road.
I already went through enough heartache watching my parents marriage crumble. I m not about to risk marrying a man anything remotely like my dad just so I can watch my heart get trampled again in my own marriage.
Nope. Things will work out better for both Beau and me if I just stick to the plan.
Not all the sidewalks have been shoveled, so Hamish and I make a slow wade through the snow as we circle around the block a few times, enjoying the house decorations and lights.
Rather, I make a slow wade. Hamish darts in a drunken zigzag pattern that leaves me having to spin every few feet to untangle his leash from my waist.
I m in the middle of another spin when my phone rings with a call inside my coat pocket. Takes me a second to dig it out and remove my mittens. Dad?
Hey honey, how are you? he answers back.
Fine. Is everything okay? Dad rarely calls. Hamish tugs me to a sudden stop so he can mark the same tree he s marked three times already.
Just checking in. Wondered how you were doing. Are you still in St. Louis?
St. Louis was three travel assignments ago. Uh, no, Dad. I m in Iowa right now. I m spending Christmas with a... with a friend. Why does that feel like a lie? Beau and I are friends. Sort of.
Samantha?
Good grief, Samantha and I haven t talked since high school. Different friend, Dad. How s Jordan?
Good as far as I know. Last time I talked to your mom she said he was doing okay. Still playing out in Pittsburgh.
This is how my family works. Nobody s driving anywhere to bring someone home so we can all be under the same roof for Christmas.
It s my mom giving updates to her ex-husband about his son because my brother doesn t like talking to him, and since I don t really enjoy talking to my mom, I usually get updates about my brother through my dad.
Why I don t call my brother myself, I don t know. We got along great when we were kids, but I guess the older and busier we got, the more we just grew apart. We ve never done well staying in touch, especially these past couple years.
I tug Hamish to keep moving. What are you doing for Christmas? I ask even though I know the answer.
Having the team over.
Yep. Same thing my dad s done every Christmas for as far back as I can remember. He orders a big catered meal and invites everyone over, and he s happy. Which is fine. I want my dad to be happy, especially on Christmas. I want all my family to be happy on Christmas.
I just wish someday we could figure out a way to be happy together on Christmas. Just once. Is that too much to ask? Probably.
Well, hon, I won t keep you. Just wanted to check in.
I m at Beau s house. He s the friend. I don t know why I m telling him this. He doesn t know Beau. And Beau isn t important to me.
Except maybe Beau is?
Okay. An awkward pause follows while I wait for my dad to ask some follow-up questions. When he doesn t, I clear my throat and offer some follow-up answers anyway.
Yeah, I took care of him a few months ago. It s kind of a long story, but anyway, I m spending Christmas with his family in Iowa. Town called Nolly Grove. It s cute. Reminds me of Grandma s little town. Anyway... Thanks for checking in. I ll let you go. I m sure you re busy.
Okay, kiddo. I can hear the relief in his voice that I m letting him off the hook with making further conversation.
I know he loves me. I know he wants to be a good dad.
I also know he completely stinks at it and doesn t even know how to make conversation with his daughter about a guy named Beau.
If I don t talk to you again, kiddo, have a Merry Christmas.
Since I know he won t be talking to me again, I wish him a Merry Christmas back before we end the call.
Without realizing it, we ve made it back to Beau s parents house. Beau s outside with Pinky Collar, but I don t see him at first.
Which is why he catches me wiping a tear off my cheek before I can hide it. Oh, hey, Beau. Everybody ready to play Yahtzee? His mom pretty much ordered all of us to join her at the table this evening for a family game night.
His footsteps crunch against the snow as he steps closer. You okay?
What? Yeah. I m fine. Just got off the phone with my dad. He s... I shrug. Guess I don t know what to say about my dad to Beau any more than I know what to say about Beau to my dad.
Only difference is Beau apparently is the type of guy who knows how to make conversation and ask follow-up questions. Your dad s what?
I sniff and drop my gaze to where Pinky and Hamish are playing in the snow. He s complicated. Everything about my family feels complicated. I don t really want to talk about it right now. Not when we re supposed to be having fun.
When I don t say anything more, Beau runs a soft thumb across my cheek. Well, just know I m here if you ever do want to talk about it. When he scoops up Pinky Collar to go back into the house, his words continue to stick and cling to me like the snow covering Hamish s snout.
Two simple words. I m here. The only two words I ever wanted to hear from my parents as a kid. The two words they never seemed able to say.
Well, one thing s for certain. My kids will have two parents who can say those two words and mean it. So long as I stick to my plan.