Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
From: [email protected]
Subject: Help?
How are you?
Long time.
A while ago I got one of those notifications from Gmail saying I needed to sign into this account if I wanted to keep it alive. And even though I didn’t know if we’d ever email each other again and I don’t use this email address for anything else, I didn’t want to part with it.
I hope it’s not creepy to say that even though I’ve been really busy for three years, I have thought of you from time to time. Usually when I see my sister reading a book. She read every Sweet Valley High and Sweet Dreams book in existence inside of a year, by the way.
And it turns out now she’s reading fanfic.
Specifically, she’s read PiperThanFiction’s entire canon on FictionAxis.
I was just wondering if that’s you?
If so, I just want you to know that my sister absolutely loves your work.
And I might have to start writing fanfiction to get her to like me again because apparently nobody understands her and everyone in our family is horrible.
This is all to say that I was thinking about you and I wish you a merry Christmas, if you celebrate.
How’s your little brother doing?
From: [email protected]
Hey, you!
Long time indeed.
I have thought of you on occasion as well.
I am indeed PiperThanFiction on FictionAxis. I haven’t written any fanfic in a couple of years. It’s really good to know that people are still reading it. Amazing to hear that your sister, of all people, found my stories.
It sounds like you’ve got yourself a teenage girl problem.
I’ll tell you a secret.
Everyone who is related to a teenage girl has a teenage girl problem.
You’re welcome!
Having been one myself for what felt like an eternity, even though I don’t know your sister, I do feel for her. Whatever you said to ruin her life and cause her to shut down and freeze you out, it must have been awful. LOL.
I’m just kidding.
How is my brother doing? He’s almost ten. He is still a turd. He is now obsessed with different video games and tells the exact same fart jokes.
Happy holidays to you too.
It’s really good to hear from you.
Sincerely,
PiperThanFiction, extremely famous author of celebrated fanfic
PS: your subject line was “Help?” Did you need help with anything in particular?
From: [email protected]
It was a generalized cry for help regarding my fourteen-year-old sister.
She didn’t talk to anyone at dinner and then locked herself in her room as soon as she finished dessert. We are all terrified of her. I already got her three-quarters of the things on the spreadsheet she shared with us for gift ideas, but it’s driving me nuts that she’s in such a bad mood and I think I might have to buy her Harry Styles. Any suggestions? Preferably for things I can order online and have delivered in Manhattan tomorrow.
PS: I may have read your stories on FictionAxis, and I genuinely enjoyed them. They are, as my sister said, “so creative and totally buttastic.”
From: [email protected]
flushed face emoji
Only mildly horrified. Butttttt…thank you?
You’re in Manhattan now?
I am too.
I have so many suggestions for gifts.
First of all—it’s wonderful that you care so much about your sister.
It’s really hard to be a girl. If you have any interest in attempting to understand her at all, I recommend listening to every song Taylor Swift has ever written. And then accepting that you will never understand her and that everything you say and do will be the wrong thing most of the time for at least six more years.
As for the perfect Christmas gift—does she write in a journal? I’m sure she does. Since she’s a reader, you can’t go wrong with a really nice bullet journal for keeping track of the books she reads and a fountain pen and a set of colored pens. Unless that’s one of the things you already got her from her spreadsheet? Actually, even if you did, she can’t have enough notebooks and fountain pens. And a little Bluetooth sticker printer so she can print out the covers of the books she’s read and stick them in the journal. She would love that! And trust me, it will make her happy. If only for a moment. Here are some links.
From: [email protected]
This is amazing, Piper. Thank you. I really appreciate it.
You’re right—she’ll love these.
My sister has a theory that you stopped writing fanfic because you have a boyfriend.
Accurate?
From: [email protected]
I love that there are theories circulating about me!
I’ve just been busy with school, that’s all.
I don’t have a boyfriend.
I have, however, been creating many, many swoony male humans on the page. I just haven’t shared them with the internet. And they have not yet materialized as actual humans. Not for me anyway. Not yet.