11. Holden
ELEVEN
Holden
PIPER?! I BARELY KNOW ’ER!
“You want to watch a what with me?” Rory is really making a meal out of this, and I already have regrets. “I’m sorry—could you please repeat that? Because I don’t think I heard you correctly. I think I might be dreaming.”
Why am I doing this? I stand in the doorway of her bedroom, grit my teeth, and repeat myself. “If you want to watch a rom-com or something, I will watch it with you. Tonight. Like, right now.”
She closes her iPad, leaps off her bed, grabs my hand, and leads me down the hall to the family room. “ Any rom-com? Even The Holiday ?”
I grimace at those two words. She made me watch the trailer for that on YouTube once, and I broke out in hives. “Please don’t make me watch that. Why do you have the film taste of a fifty-year-old woman?”
“Why do you have the personality of an old man at the deli?!”
“Have you seen Groundhog Day ? That’s a romantic comedy. I think Dad has the DVD. Bill Murray is hilarious and romantic, and Andie MacDowell is adorable—it’s a classic.”
“Yay! We’re watching The Holiday !”
“Or alternatively, I’d be willing to watch anything starring Natalie Portman.”
“ The Holiday it is!
“Fine. Merry Christmas.”
My dad is eating his third helping of sticky-topping pudding cake while not really watching A Christmas Story by himself in the family room. It’s a familiar and comforting sight. I’d feel kind of bad for him if I didn’t know for sure that he wouldn’t want to be doing much else tonight.
“Daddy, can we use the big screen, pleeeaase?!” Rory picks up the remote before my dad answers.
He grunts. “I’ll go read my new book, I guess.” He gets up out of his easy chair and holds his dessert plate out to me. “Finish this for me, will ya?”
“I really can’t,” I tell him, rubbing my abs through my sweater.
“I’ll have it!” Rory says. She is in such a good mood now, and all because I offered to watch a movie with her. PiperThanFiction really understands young girls, I guess.
“Did you lose a bet or something?” Rory asks me, quite seriously, as she finds The Holiday on a streaming channel.
“No. Actually, someone suggested I watch movies with you tonight.”
“And you just took her suggestion? Who is this amazing witch? Oh no, is it Shay Nicholls?”
“Nope. Just a friend.” As I say it, I pull out my phone and see a chat notification from [email protected]. I downloaded the Google Chat app earlier and signed in with the FoundYourJournal17 account. Which was an interesting choice, given that there is only person I email with from this account, and I’ve listed her in my contacts as Piper ThanFiction.
Piper ThanFiction: Hi! I just told my brother your joke, and he laughed so hard he farted and then he went around squawking like a chicken! It was brilliant. Now the whole family will make fun of him about this for the rest of his life. It’s the gift that will keep on giving. I don’t even know how to thank you.
That’s cute.
Me: That is awesome. My sister is now extremely happy because I just offered to watch a romantic comedy with her. I myself am not joyful, because I have to watch some really wonderful actors waste their talent.
Piper ThanFiction: Love Actually?!
Me: Possibly even worse. The Holiday.
Piper ThanFiction: Oh, I love that movie.
Me: Shocked.
“Who are you texting?”
I put my phone away. “Just a friend.”
She starts the movie, and I am already so angry that Jack Black and I have to endure this.
“You looked so smitten with your phone. Tell me who it is right now, or we’re going to watch Valentine’s Day and He’s Just Not That Into You back-to-back.”
I stroke my chin, as if I’m actually considering watching two movies that are obviously a thousand times worse than The Holiday . “Okay, but you have to promise you won’t freak out about this.”
“I will make no such promise. Is it Olivia Rodrigo?”
“It is not.”
“Is it anyone who has ever been the star of a Disney Channel show?”
“I don’t think so. It’s PiperThanFiction.”
She blinks and then stares at me, frozen, like I just told her I’m marrying Taylor Swift.
I wave my hand in front of her stunned face.
“What?!” She squeezes her head with both hands. “ The PiperThanFiction? From FictionAxis?”
“Yes. That’s not how I know her. But I asked her if she’s that PiperThanFiction, and she confirmed that she is.”
My sister’s eyes are so big right now. “What?! Bro. Explain. Say more. Say everything.”
That reminds me of Say Anything , which reminds me of ShayAnything, which makes me feel a little weird because I have been getting along with her, but it’s not really a thing—and PiperThanFiction isn’t really a thing either. And I am not a fourteen-year-old girl, so what is the big deal about any of this?
“Okay, so you cannot contact her to tell her this, because she doesn’t know who I am and it has to stay that way. But three years ago—remember I talked to you about this?—I asked for your advice. I found someone’s journal in the back of a cab, and I created an email address to tell her I had it, and her email address is PiperThanFiction.”
“You know her?!”
“No. I just told you she doesn’t know who I am. We’ve only emailed a little, and we Google Chat now. That’s it.”
“Oh my God! We have to look her up!”
“I’m not going to Google her. I am a world-famous movie star; I can’t just do that kind of?—”
“Found her! Oh, I love her face!”
“Wait, you found a picture already?”
“Yeah, I’m looking at her Insta. I found the PiperThanFiction Tumblr account that she hasn’t used in years, and there’s a profile pic of a girl but it’s black and white and kind of pixelated, so I copy-pasted that into a reverse image search and it came up as a post on her Instagram. Look, she’s so pretty and I’m so jealous of her bangs! I want bangs now.”
“I don’t want to look.”
“Why? Because she isn’t a shallow actress who gets cast as mean girls over and over because… Oh right, I’m not allowed to say anything bad about your girlfriend.”
“Shay isn’t my girlfriend.”
“Then why won’t you just look at PiperThanFiction?!”
“Because I don’t want to be a creepy online stalker.”
“Oh my God, everyone’s a creepy online stalker now! That’s just, like, a part of life!”
God dammit, why is she right about everything? “Fair. Let me see her.” I take my sister’s phone and stare down into the smiling face of a brunette with a button nose, cherry-red lips, and bangs.
She’s got a face with a view, as David Byrne would say. I never understood what that line meant, but it’s this. A face you want to come home to and see yourself reflected in.
And this is, without a doubt, the girl I saw in Times Square the other day.
And the one I saw in LA, getting into a car in front of that club.
“It’s her.”
“Yeah! The best writer on FictionAxis.”
“No, I mean I’ve seen her. At Times Square. She was at the Wishing Wall.”
Rory gasps. “When I took you there?!”
“Yes. And I saw her for a second in LA before that too.”
Rory looks like she is going to burst into a thousand pieces of confetti wish paper and heart emojis. “Wait. Wait! WAIT! Are you telling me she doesn’t even know?! This is the most romantic thing I have ever heard!!! You need to tell her!”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not?!”
“Remember that thing I said about being a world-famous movie star? That hasn’t changed in the past minute.”
“Oh my God, you have got to get over yourself.”
“It’s just that this girl is obviously into fandoms, right?”
“Yeah. So am I. Does that mean you can’t talk to me anymore?”
God dammit, she’s got a point. “I wish.”
“Like, what are you saying? Someone who cares about fictional characters and appreciates people’s talents is somehow less worthy of talking to than someone who gets paid to be pretty and be mean to people in front of a camera?!”
“I am definitely not saying that. Calm down.”
“Calm down? Calm down?! This is the most important thing that has ever happened in my entire life, and you’re telling me to calm down?!” Her jaw drops dramatically, and then she crosses her arms across her chest, which is her signature pose now. “You’re going to tell her you’ve seen her and you’re telling her who you are and you’re going to meet her. I am making this my New Year’s resolution.” She stares me down.
I stare her down.
I have had so many staring contests with this girl in her life, but I am going to win this one because I’m the big brother and she’s so much smarter than me and I need a win tonight.
“Darlings!” our mum calls out from her study. Then she appears in the doorway. “Darlings, I’m on FaceTime with David. Come say hello.”
Rory turns to look at Mum.
“Hah! I win.”
“Gah!”
“Oh, you’re watching The Holiday ?!” our mum says. “Did Holden lose a bet?”
“Yes, we will FaceTime with David,” I tell her. “Now is the time for connecting with family and talking about family things.”
“You aren’t getting out of any of this!” Rory assures me.
We go into Mum’s study, and I find my youngest uncle’s face on the computer monitor. David’s going through a divorce, and his kid is with his ex and her new boyfriend, and he does not look chuffed.
“Hey, Uncle David.” He’s only a few years older than most of my cousins, so it has always cracked me up to call him Uncle David. “Happy Christmas.”
“Isn’t it, though? I watched your dragon film on a flight last week, by the way. I did not despise it and you were rather good in it.” He’s grinning as he says it and clearly thought I was awesome.
“Wow.” I cover my heart with my hand. “Cheers. And I’ve heard you were rather good at being a husband.”
“Too soon. What a pleasure to see that fame has made you an even bigger wanker.”
“Hi, Uncle David! Thank you for the very generous Amazon gift card.”
“Hello, my love. You’re so welcome. It took me an entire hour to select the background design. Why aren’t you morose and frowning into your Kindle?”
“Because Holden has a situationship and he’s going to do a grand gesture, or I’m making him watch a nineties rom-com starring Ellen DeGeneres.”
“Hey, David,” I say, changing the subject, “when is your house in LA going to be available?”
He rubs his forehead. “I’m not sure. I have a girl in the States handling these things. You know, I also have a holiday home at Big Bear Lake that I’m not allowed to sell.”
“Well, don’t sell it, David,” my mum chimes in. “Save it for your progeny. It must be worth something.”
“My progeny doesn’t even like America. Or mountains or forests or stepping on dirt. Ugh. I can’t bear to use it because I was so in love when I bought it, so if you’re round there, Holden, feel free to use it.”
“You have a cabin at Big Bear? That’s so weird—someone just invited me to a cabin there today.”
“Who?” Rory punches my arm. “Ugh. Not Shay Nicholls?”
I frown at her.
“Ew. Just no. Why don’t you take Piper to Uncle David’s cabin for New Year’s Eve?!”
“Who is Piper, darling?” our mum asks. “Do you have two girlfriends?”
“I don’t even have one girlfriend. Can we talk about literally anything else?”
“Uncle David is going to hook you up, my adorable little American nephew. I’m texting you the contact information for the girl who handles my US properties. Now, why don’t you tell me about this two-girlfriend situation to take my mind off my own shriveled broken heart?”
“It’s only the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me!” my sister squeals, clapping her hands, and then proceeds to tell our mother and uncle all about PiperThanFiction, show them her Instagram, and call our dad into the room too.
“Oh, she’s lovely, Holden. Ask her what shade of lipstick she’s wearing, please,” my mother says.
I think I’d rather watch a Dane Cook movie. I think I’d rather be in a movie with Dane Cook than tell PiperThanFiction that I’m Holden Archer and invite her to a cabin at Big Bear for New Year’s Eve. Except that even though I haven’t actually met her, no one in my family has ever been this excited about a girl for me before.
And if I’m being honest, when I think about how I felt when I saw her…neither have I.