14. Holden
FOURTEEN
Holden
FIFTY TEXTS OF NOT-SHAY
ShayAnything.83: Hi. Are you busy?
And here we go…
I close all the curtains in my hotel room and dim the lights.
I am not busy and I am beyond ready for Piper to get me out of her system. So she can get me into her system. Or find out she’s been in my system to some degree for years. Maybe this really is complicated, but what is not complicated is what I want. I want to get to know Piper.
HoldUp.76: Hey. I’m here.
ShayAnything.83: Good. I set this new chat to disappearing mode. The messages will disappear after five minutes.
HoldUp.76: Yeah. I can see that. Cool. What exactly did you have in mind for this disappearing chat?
ShayAnything.83: Oh, you don’t want to know exactly what I have in my mind, trust me.
HoldUp.76: I think I do.
ShayAnything.83: Okay. I have to tell you I’m a little tipsy right now. But I was thinking about you. And I mean. I think about you a lot. And I wanted to think about you with you.
ShayAnything.83: Does that make sense?
Tipsy. Right. This here is what we call in the modern guy community a potentially fucked-up gray area in an area that is already fucked up and many shades of gray. But I am going to get into it with this woman. Because it’s virtual. And it’s disappearing. And because this woman is definitely not Shay Nicholls. This is Piper. And because I can’t think about her without touching myself right now.
HoldUp.76: You’re making a lot of sense. You always do. Tell me what you’re thinking.
ShayAnything.83: You’re definitely going to the cabin at big boob, right?
ShayAnything.83: omg bear!!! Big Bear.
HoldUp.76: I am. If you’re gonna be there, that’s where I want to be.
ShayAnything.83: Really?
HoldUp.76: For real, for real.
There are moving dots and then they stop. Too long of a pause.
ShayAnything.83: Okay, well I guess we’ll just see each other at the cabin, then.
HoldUp.76: Well, hold on! Or hold up, I should say. This conversation isn’t over. We need to discuss a few things. Like what we’re going to do at that cabin.
ShayAnything.83: I’m sure you’ll figure something out.
HoldUp.76: I already know what I’d do if you were here with me now…
God, I wish I could say her name. But I guess Shay could sign on at any minute from her phone and ruin the moment. And I want this moment to happen.
ShayAnything.83: Well, you might as well give me a little preview of what she has to look forward to.
ShayAnything.83: I meant I!
HoldUp.76: I’d love to.
ShayAnything.83: Just don’t call me Shay, okay? I hate that name.
ShayAnything.83: I mean my name.
HoldUp.76: I’ll call you whatever you want me to call you, baby.
ShayAnything.83: Yeah, that.
HoldUp.76: Tell me what you’re doing right now, baby.
ShayAnything.83: I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed, thinking about you.
HoldUp.76: And I walk into your room and shut the door. It’s just you and me in here. And it’s so good to see you because I’ve been thinking about you all day.
ShayAnything.83: What are you wearing?
HoldUp.76: Jeans. I just took a shower, so my hair’s kind of wet.
ShayAnything.83: You look so good in jeans. And I love your hair. Not wearing a shirt, huh?
HoldUp.76: Nope. No shoes either. I don’t know if you know this, but I have really sexy feet. And I’m running my fingers through my impossibly excellent hair but really it’s just an excuse to flex my arms. You see them, right?
ShayAnything.83: They’re so muscular and veiny.
ShayAnything.83: Hey, I think you dropped your towel—can you turn around and pick it up? Slowly?
HoldUp.76: Yeah, lemme just turn away from you and bend over to pick that towel up off the floor and then glance over my shoulder at you. Might as well give you a side view while I fold up the towel and place it on the dresser.
ShayAnything.83: Wow, your arms AND your glutes were flexing while you folded the towel, and I couldn’t decide where to look!
ShayAnything.83: I wish I could have showered with you.
HoldUp.76: Believe me, you were with me in spirit. Tell me what you’re wearing.
ShayAnything.83: Little pink camisole. It’s old and the fabric isn’t as tight as it used to be, but it fits me just right. All my curves. And sleep shorts. White. Cotton. Cheeky ones. That’s it. I am also barefoot. IDK how sexy my feet are, but my toenails are cherry red. You aren’t a toe guy, are you?
HoldUp.76: I am now. So hot. I’m into a lot of things, though, so I’m gonna need you to stand up and turn around slowly so I can get a good look at those cheeky sleep shorts.
ShayAnything.83: Okay! Enjoy me while you can. I’ll probably get murdered before the second-act break.
HoldUp.76: Not with me here to protect you.
ShayAnything.83: I’ve got so many men protecting me. I want you to be the guy they’ve been trying to protect me from.
HoldUp.76: I think I’m the one who’s in trouble here. You’re so beautiful, baby.
Nothing.
Shit.
She thinks I’m talking about Shay.
HoldUp.76: I wish you had long, dark hair, though.
ShayAnything.83: You do?
HoldUp.76: That’s how I like to picture you—is that weird? I guess I have a type. There’s just something about a girl with long, thick brown hair and bangs. And big brown eyes.
ShayAnything.83: There is?
HoldUp.76: Yeah. I just want to grab a fistful of that hair and twist it around my hand. Watch your eyes widen in surprise and then soften when you realize how good it feels. Pull all your hair to the side so I can kiss your neck.
ShayAnything.83: I want that too. I’m sitting at the end of the bed again. You should stop ogling me and my long dark hair already and join me.
HoldUp.76: Sassypants. I’m getting up on the bed behind you. On my knees. Pressing myself against your back. You feel how hard I am in my jeans? Feel how hard I am just from looking at you.
ShayAnything.83: Yeah. I wish I could touch your throbbing member with my hands, but you’re behind my back.
Okay. Not going to interrupt the flow with a comment about the throbbing member.
HoldUp.76: We’ve got all night—you’ll get a chance to touch whatever you want.
HoldUp.76: I’m pulling your hair to one side, wrapping it around my fist, tugging on your hair until you sigh, pressing my lips against your neck so softly.
ShayAnything.83: Just feeling your breath on my skin is driving me wild with desire.
HoldUp.76: You have no idea what it is to be driven wild, baby—not yet.
HoldUp.76: I’m smoothing the palm of my hand over the soft skin of your shoulder. Your arm. Brushing the back of my fingers up your arm to your neck, and then I kiss the crook of your neck, right there where it meets your shoulder. Tongue swirling, nipping at your flesh with my teeth. You smell incredible there.
ShayAnything.83: My head drops back and I gasp because it feels so good. You’re gonna leave a mark the way you’re sucking.
HoldUp.76: Damn right I’m gonna leave a mark. You’re mine.
ShayAnything.83: I want to kiss you too. We haven’t kissed on the mouth yet.
HoldUp.76: You will, baby, you will. Tell me what’s going on between your legs right now.
ShayAnything.83: It’s so wet down there, Holden. It’s never been like this before.
HoldUp.76: Is your hand between your legs right now?
ShayAnything.83: Um. No. Would you like me to put my hand there right now?
HoldUp.76: Yes I would—thanks for asking. I want you to slide your hand down inside those sleep shorts and rub your clit in slow circles.
ShayAnything.83: I don’t think I can go slow.
HoldUp.76: Eager, huh?
ShayAnything.83: Hungry. I’ve wanted this for so long, Holden. You have no idea how many times I’ve fantasized about being with you. I crave you.
HoldUp.76: Yeah?
ShayAnything.83: I have so many fantasies about making you feel good.
ShayAnything.83: Can I tell you what I think about doing to you? Lie on the edge of your bed with your legs spread apart so I can crawl between them.
Jesus. I am so hard right now, it’s painful. I don’t want to go slow either.
HoldUp.76: That’s a great idea, but I’m going to tell you what I want you to do first, baby. You lie back on the bed.
I’m lying on my back, on my bed, propped up on some pillows. But I can’t type anymore. Fuck it. I press and hold a button to record my voice.
HoldUp.76:
“Hey, I’m gonna record my voice because it’s easier, okay? I wanna hear you too, baby. Let me hear your sweet voice while you touch yourself.”
A pause while she listens to the message. I kick off my pants and boxer briefs, stroking as slowly as I can. I want her hands on me so bad right now. That sweet mouth on my cock. I’d switch to vanishing video on this thing if the situation were any different and then worry about screen recordings later.
ShayAnything.83: I can’t. I don’t want my roommates to hear.
HoldUp.76: Roommates?
ShayAnything.83: Neighbors. In the hotel room next to mine. In Sedona.
ShayAnything.83: I’m better at writing than talking, Holden. I think better with my fingers. This way I can tell you things like how much my honeyed pleasure center aches for your big hard cock.
ShayAnything.83: flushed face emoji face with peeking hand emoji
HoldUp.76:
“You do not have to be embarrassed about saying that, baby. I liked it. All of it. I really like the way your fingers think. But I’m gonna do voice because I can barely see straight. I really wish you’d tell me with your voice how you’re feeling and what you’re doing, baby. I barely remember what you sound like.”
ShayAnything.83: This feels wrong.
HoldUp.76: You mean bad?
ShayAnything.83: Yeah. I guess I mean wrong and bad in a good way.
HoldUp.76:
“Good. Yes. Come on, lemme hear you, baby. It’s gonna disappear in five minutes anyway, remember? Hurry up, okay? I’m so close already—just hearing your voice is gonna put me over the edge. Tell me what you think about doing to me.”
I squeeze my shaft like I’m trying to choke it. I don’t even know what to call what we’re doing and I have no idea why this is so hot, but every inch of me is on fire and this is what I’ve needed for so long. This is it. If this sweet girl had any idea what I want to do to her right now, she would know what wrong and bad in a good way really means. Because I have a feeling she doesn’t really have any idea.
ShayAnything.83: “Um. Hi… Okay, hold on. Whoops!”
That voice.
I stroke myself again, slow and steady, waiting for another voice message. It’s probably going to be short and sweet, and I can listen to it as many times as I can until it disappears. Or I can record it on my phone if my brain starts working properly again.
Where is she?
The dots keep moving.
Closing my eyes, I imagine those dots are kisses. She’s pressing kisses up the inside of my thigh. Getting nice and settled between my legs, teasing and satisfying me with her tongue and her mouth and her hands at the same time. I want to stroke her hair while her head bobs up and down between my legs, hold on to the side of her pretty head and guide her.
Ding!
Oh, thank fuck—another voice message.
ShayAnything.83:
“Sorry—I didn’t mean to send that yet. Um. I know I told you to sit on the edge of the bed. But I have this fantasy I want to tell you about. Where you’re sitting at a table in your trailer on set. You’re reading a script…a romantic-comedy script—just kidding. You’re breaking down the script for the movie you’re working on and making notes, and you’ve been doing this for hours and you’re getting frustrated. You’re on the right track, of course, because you have such brilliant instincts as an actor. You just need a little break. You need to relax. That’s where I come in. On all fours. You don’t even realize I’m in your trailer at first. Nobody saw me sneak in. I take off the long coat I was wearing. Underneath I’m dressed kind of like I am right now. Little tank top and boy shorts. I crawl across the floor, like a really helpful sex ninja, and right before I duck under the table, still on my hands and knees on the floor, you see me. I pause. We lock eyes. I bite my lower lip, begging you with my big brown eyes. Please, let me do this for you, Holden, I say. Your jaw clenches. Your gaze travels down to my cleavage and back up to my face, and then you nod. Not smirking or anything, just kind of stunned but into it. And I duck down under the little table. You’re wearing gray sweatpants, and I feel you through the sweats first. You’re so big and hard, and it’s so satisfying to feel you getting bigger and harder under my hand. You untie the strings at the waistband and then grab on to the bench you’re sitting on, lifting your amazing butt up a few inches so I can pull your pants and boxer briefs down to your ankles. Your beautiful erection springs up in my face, and I lick my lips and… Oh, hang on—there’s someone at the…”
Fuuuuck.
Fucking.
Fuck.
GAHHHH!
Fuck it—I can’t wait.
I come all over my abs, picturing her swallowing almost every last drop, except what’s spilled out onto her chin. She’s still between my legs when she wipes that off with the tip of her thumb and then sucks on it while staring up at me. Those big, innocent eyes, all foggy and hooded.
I’m all cleaned up by the time her next voice message is delivered.
ShayAnything.83:
“Sorry, sorry, sorry! My roommate was knocking on my door. Not my roommate. My neighbor. Where was I? Ummm. I’m between your legs, under the table. I’m licking my lips because you’re so…your thing is so…big. And round. Not the whole thing—just the tip. The head? I open my mouth, and then I… I put my hands around your…and I cup your… I flick at the spot under the rim? It’s supposed to be the most sensitive spot. The frenulum? And then I lick all the way up the…and I put my whole mouth on your…I take you in my mouth until I start choking and then I… I can’t. I’m so sorry, Holden. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t know what to say.”
She’s sniffling.
HoldUp.76: Baby, are you crying?
ShayAnything.83: I can’t talk about this stuff. I’m not good at this.
HoldUp.76: You don’t have to talk anymore, and you are very good at this. I already came, baby. Just hearing your voice was enough, really. Now I’m gonna make you come, okay? I’m sending you a voice message, and you just relax and listen and do what I say. Will you do that for me?
ShayAnything.83: Okay.
HoldUp.76: It’s gonna be a long message, so I want you to get nice and comfortable while you wait for it. But don’t touch yourself until I say so.
ShayAnything.83: Quick question.
ShayAnything.83: Can I change out of my sleep shorts? Because these are soaking wet.
HoldUp.76: You can take those off and lie on your back without touching yourself. Do you have a headboard?
ShayAnything.83: I do! It’s a white Ikea Nordli.
HoldUp.76: Take off your soaking-wet cheeky sleep shorts and then put your hands over your head and grab on to the headboard.
HoldUp.76: Are you holding on to the headboard?
No response.
Because she’s holding on to the headboard.
Because she’s a good girl.
And I think that might be my undoing.
That’s the thing I’m so drawn to and what I’ve been missing.
That purity. Not innocence, exactly. It’s just so…true.
I don’t want to take it from her—I just want her.
HoldUp.76: That’s my girl. Now wait for my voice message. You can let go of the headboard to listen to the message and do all the things I tell you to do in the message.
HoldUp.76:
“Okay, baby. Thanks for waiting. I want you to let go of that headboard and slide one hand up inside your little pink camisole now. You’re gonna cup your right tit with your left hand and rub your thumb over your hard little nipple, squeezing and stroking the soft flesh of that tit. It’s so full right now, isn’t it? It fills your hand. I’d give anything to be able to touch you and lick you and take you into my mouth. I could make you come just from kissing your tits. I’d lose my mind if I could do what I want with my tongue all over you, and you’d lose your mind knowing how much I want you. I bet no one’s ever done that for you. I want to be the first. I want to be the first to make you feel so good you lose all your inhibitions. Tell me you want that too, baby. Fuck, I wish I could hear you. I need to hear you. I’m gonna call you on this app, okay? You can delete it when we’re done. We’ll delete this whole chat.”
I give her a minute to listen to the end of my message so I don’t surprise her.
But she surprises me by initiating the call.
Lying on my back, I put it on speaker and rest the phone on my bare chest. “Hi.”
“I’ve never done this before, Holden. On this app, I mean.” Her voice is so quivery. “I want this, though. I want to do this with you.”
“Good. Put it on speakerphone.”
“No camera, okay?”
“I know, baby. No camera.”
“Okay.” She’s so breathless already, and I’m getting hard again. “I’m massaging my right breast now,” she informs me. “Oh my God, my boobs are huge right now!”
She sounds thrilled by this more than aroused.
“I bet it feels so good. Your clit must be so swollen, and I know you’re wet for me, but I want you to stick your tongue out and lick the fingers of your other hand before you press those fingers flat against your clit. Then make nice, slow, circular movements. I know you don’t want to go slow, but be real gentle at first, okay?”
She whimpers. I bet she’s trembling all over. “’Kay.”
“Spread your legs for me, because I gotta get up in there. I’m crawling across the mattress to you, and I can’t even believe how beautiful you look, with your back and your neck arched, rolling your head around, touching yourself and rocking your hips. I’m kissing up the inside of your leg and licking up your center.”
“Can you kiss me on the mouth first?”
“I would fucking love to kiss you on your pretty mouth, baby. I’ve got my arms on either side of your shoulders, and I’m hovering over you, staring down at you. Can you picture that?”
“It’s so easy for me to picture it, Holden. I see you when I close my eyes and touch myself all the time. For years.”
Jesus. Fuck.
“I like that. I’m lowering myself down to brush my lips against yours first. Then I lick your bottom lip, and when you open your mouth to gasp, I kiss you so deep until we both have to come up for air.”
“My legs are wrapped around you so tight.”
“Yeah, it feels good to be on top of you. I keep teasing you with my tongue before kissing you again, and you chase my mouth and bite my lip. I straddle you and feel my way down the side of your body to your ass and press the head of my cock against your?—”
“Holden, just do it, please! Please! I don’t want to wait anymore…”
And that’s when the sound of a very loud vibrator nearly drowns out Piper’s high-pitched moans and sighs and her crying out and the headboard banging against the wall. I can picture her convulsing and bucking and alternately trying to grip the mattress with her toes and kicking her feet out. I don’t even care that I’ve been benched because it’s so incredible to hear this. I can’t fucking wait to make this happen for real.
“Holden! Oh my God! Oh no! Oh no! Oh wow!”
“I’m right here, baby. I’m right there with you.”
I can tell she’s getting self-conscious now. Her cries are muffled. She’s trying to control her breaths, but that vibrator’s still vibrating and she’s still coming. Little yelps and sighs, and if I could see her now, I would be such a goner. I’m concentrating too hard on listening to beat off again, but I am going to come like a rocket when I think about this later.
I want to say her name so badly.
I hear a loud, very satisfied sigh through the phone. No more movement. The vibe is suddenly switched off. “Wow,” she whispers.
“I’m still here, baby” is all I say, because I don’t think she wants me to say much more.
She’s still breathing heavily. I can hear fumbling. She’s probably trying to find her phone. “Hi,” she says, her voice low and so much huskier than it was before.
“Hey.”
“Um. Thank you.”
I laugh softly. “Thank you .”
“No, really, I… You’ll never know how important this was to me.” Now it sounds like she’s crying again. “I’ve wanted this for…I mean not this exactly, but…I shouldn’t be…”
“It’s okay. It’s okay for us to?—”
“No, you don’t understand. I shouldn’t have… You know what, I have to go. I have to get up early for work tomorrow. I mean, not work. I have to fly back to LA and then drive to Big Bear.”
“Right. Yes. I’ve got a bit of a drive tomorrow too, so…we’ll pick up where we left off tomorrow, then.”
“Yeah. I mean, no. Let’s not talk about this. Ever. Okay?” She’s quiet for a long beat, and I can’t wait to tell her all the things she needs to know, but it won’t make any sense to her yet. “I think you’re really wonderful, Holden Archer,” she says, and it’s like she’s saying goodbye to me and I hate that.
“I think you’re wonderful too. Baby.”
She exhales loudly. “Okay, I’m really confused. I should go. Drive safe tomorrow. Happy New Year, if I don’t talk to you again. I’m going to delete this chat. Bye.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say, and whether she hears me or not, I guess it doesn’t matter, because Piper doesn’t know that the girl I plan to see tomorrow is her .