20. Piper
TWENTY
Piper
YOU GOT NAILED
I don’t want to be dramatic, but now that this has happened, I really feel like anything is possible.
This is the part of my story where I, the heroine, have finally accomplished the most important task, aka, faced the Supreme Ordeal. How lucky am I that my biggest challenge was showing up for Holden Archer to make sweet love to me and have a bunch of orgasms while cabining in a snowstorm?! Now my transformation will allow me to gain new insights and abilities and everything else will fall into place. Launching my successful career as a screenwriter as soon as I graduate? Pffft. Easy peasy. All major life decisions that come after this? Easier than ordering pie at a diner. Finding a parking space at Trader Joe’s? I’ll just wait for as long as I have to and think about Holden kissing my boobs—no problem!
And hopefully I’ll be able to stare at and touch Holden’s butt a lot more before we leave here.
The sun has gone down, and I guess I fell asleep. Holden must have covered me with part of the comforter and put a pillow under my head. I can hear him in the bathroom now. But the thing that woke me up is the sound of my phone vibrating on top of the dresser. Over and over and over. Reminding me that it’s New Year’s Eve and I didn’t check in with my parents today and I have a dad back in New York who is probably worried I’ve been in an accident or worse—that I’m having sex with someone I shouldn’t be having sex with.
Well. It’s time to put his fears to rest. Or possibly create a whole new level of anxiety for him.
Just as I’m sitting up, Holden takes my phone off the top of the dresser and hands it to me. He’s back in his jeans, still shirtless, and looking at me with what I would have to describe as reverence and concern. “How are you feeling?”
“If the gigantic smile on my face isn’t enough of a clue, I will just tell you that I feel very nice and good. Thank you for asking.”
“Glad to hear it.” He leans in to kiss me on the side of my head. “You looked a little worried—that’s why I asked.”
Staring down at all the missed FaceTime and text notifications from my dad’s phone, I tell him, “I was just realizing I need to check in with my parents.”
“Ahhh. I should text my family too.”
So many texts from my dad—he must be losing his mind.
DAD: Hey, sugar. Thought we’d try FaceTiming before you go out for the night.
DAD: Give us a holler when you have a minute!
DAD: Hey, sweet pea. You’re likely getting ready for some exciting festivities, but if you have time for a quick chat we’d sure love to see your face!
DAD: Hope you’re having a great day, sweet pea! Don’t recall hearing about your plans for the night, but we hope they include a quick hello to your family before you get too busy!
MOM: Hey, girl! Hope you’re having a lit AF time! Just shoot your dad a text when you get a chance, will you? Poor guy’s losing his mind. face with rolling eyes emoji
DAD: I am not losing my mind, sugar. I’d just like to wish you a happy new year. Hope you aren’t stuck in that traffic jam on I-5. Here’s a fascinating article I just read about a lovely young woman in Long Beach, which is not too far from where you live, who was brutally murdered by her boyfriend. The boyfriend, surprisingly, is someone she met at a New Year’s Eve party. Everyone describes him as “so nice and normal.” Anyway, have a wonderful night and check in when you can!
MOM: partying face emoji Okay, Boomer! face with rolling eyes emoji
MOM: But seriously, Piper. Just let us know that you’re okay, G! Even Ben is wondering why we haven’t heard from you.
“I think I need to FaceTime mine.” I sigh. “I should probably put a shirt on or something.”
Holden laughs. “I hope you brought more than the one you were wearing.”
It takes me a second to remember I tore that blouse apart like an animal. “Oh, gosh. I don’t know. I’ll have to see what Lainey packed for me.”
Covering myself with the comforter, I start to get up again, but Holden picks up my weekender bag from the floor. “This yours?”
“Yes, thank you.”
He hands it to me and then stretches his arms and scratches his chest. He is being so attentive and boyfriend-y that I just want to put my mouth on his penis again or something.
I set the bag down in front of me on the bed and unzip it. The first thing I pull out is a box of condoms. The second thing I pull out is two more boxes of condoms. The third thing I pull out is a bottle of personal lubricant with a Post-it note stuck to it that says Just in case ;)
“Definitely won’t need that ,” Holden mutters. “But I like where Lainey’s head was at.”
I find something resembling T-shirt material, but when I pull it out and hold it up, it’s about the size of my nana’s sunglasses. Turning it around, I discover that it says Yes, sir. across the front. I peek under it to find Holden grinning at me.
When I pull out an unfamiliar strip of pink silk fabric with a beaded fringe and two pieces of elastic that are supposed to go…I don’t even know where, I don’t have to look through the rest of the bag to know that there is nothing in here that I can wear for a video call with my dad. Maybe there’s a sewing kit around here somewhere, but I will probably have to put on my coat.
“You can borrow a sweater or any of my clothes,” Holden says. “But I would just like to go on record as saying that Lainey seems like a really good friend and I would like to see you in both of those items of clothing at some point.”
“I think seeing me out of them is pretty much the same as seeing me in them.”
Holden goes to the living room, and I find a mesh thong in the bag. It’s slightly more useful than not wearing any underwear at all, I suppose. I just wish I had thought to bring a pair of pants at least, but I was so busy packing Shay’s things into the car that it just didn’t occur to me to bring anything for myself. He returns, now wearing his black shirt, and he gives me the creamy white sweater he was wearing earlier and a pair of sweatpants.
For some reason, wearing Holden’s clothes feels like the most intimate thing that’s happened so far today. Maybe because I’ve never fantasized about this? But I can’t think of anything more romantic than putting something of Holden’s on after he’s put something very special of his in me.
“I’m gonna go start a fire in the fireplace,” he says. “I’ll give you some privacy while you call them, but did you want me to say hello, or…?”
“To my parents?!”
“I won’t if you don’t want me to. I’m just sayin’ I get paid a lot of money to portray a guy who protects a lot of people from a lot of bad things. And it’s not just because I look good riding a dragon shirtless—it’s also because I’m really good at conveying a certain, shall we say, I’m not just here to fuck your daughter vibe. So, I’ll be in the living room building a really sexy but responsible fire if you need me.” He winks at me and shuts the door behind himself.
I think I’m having an emotional orgasm.
I check myself in the little mirror that’s on the dresser, and I’m very glad I did, because my hair is basically screaming that someone just laid the Piper. I pick up the mirror to get a closer look at myself. I don’t think I look different, aside from the hair. And the enormous smile. I put the mirror back down. “You did get it, girl,” I say to my reflection as I high-five myself.
I find my hairbrush in my handbag and ensure that I don’t look like I just got boned and then start an FT call with my dad.
It connects literally immediately. And then there’s a lot of chaotic movement and I just see a ceiling. My poor dad. He must have been so worried.
His face finally appears and he is wearing a black-and-gold party hat. And laughing. “Hey there, sweet pea!” He blows a party horn at the camera and doesn’t look at all like he’s about to call a bunch of hospitals.
“Hey!” I squint at my phone screen. I can see other people in the background. “Where are you?”
“Oh, we just stopped by Dec and Maddie’s.”
“Wait, you’re at a party?!”
“It’s just a little get-together, sugar. I don’t want to keep you—we just wanted to say happy new year to your sweet face.” He waves the phone around. “Bex! It’s her!” He holds the phone in front of his face again. “She’s doing shots with the girls. We rented a car for the night.”
“Who else is there?”
“Oh, it’s just your mom and Ben and me. Dec and Maddie and the kids, of course. Aunt Mel’s here with her boyfriend. Nolan and Cora, but their kids are somewhere else. Oh, Eddie and Birdie flew in with the baby.”
“What?!”
“And Billy and Donna are here with the kids.”
“Oh my God! I can’t believe you’re all hanging out without me!” I am legit jealous of my parents and Ben right now.
I can hear Declan crooning in the background. “ Should old acquaintance be forgot— everybody! Aaaaand never brought to mind! I can’t hear you! Should old acquaintance be for —wait, I sang that already.”
Maddie yells at him that it’s too soon. Suddenly, the Chumbawamba song drowns out everything else until I hear Nolan shout out “You eejit !” and there is silence.
“Oh hey, Piper! Happy new year.” It’s Eddie. Stopping by my dad’s phone to say hi to me. Even with Holden Archer in the next room and the whole being related to him by marriage thing, my heart still skips a beat when I see Eddie Cannavale’s impossibly handsome face. “You in LA? Why aren’t you here?”
“Eddie! I’m in California! I didn’t even know about this gathering until one minute ago!”
“Hey, go pahk your face ovah by the bah , Pretty Boy Magee.” Billy Boston appears from out of nowhere. “Heya, Pipes! Happy New Year tooooo youse! Where you at? I’ll send a choppah .”
“Hey, Billy! I’m actually in California and I have plans, but I miss all of you so much.”
“Well, I’m wicked rich, you know? I can send a jet or something. I know a guy.”
“I’m good, Billy, but thank you.”
Nolan shoves him out of the way and holds up a pint of Guinness to the camera. “Piper, my bonnie lass. In the new year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, never in want. Sláinte .”
“ Sláinte , Nolan!”
“Wish you were here, sugar.” I can finally see my dad again.
“Hey, girl!” My mom’s unbelievably happy face pops up behind my dad’s shoulder. “Is that a new sweater?”
“Sort of…” I feel like if there is such a thing as a good time to let your parents know you’re stuck in a mountain cabin with a hot guy overnight, that time is when they’re super tipsy at a party with a bunch of cool people. “It’s actually my friend’s sweater…” I get up and open the bedroom door. “Funny story—remember I told you about the actress I’ve been working for? She sent me to run an errand for her this morning, which is why I’m here at a very cute, very warm cabin in Big Bear Lake, and I can’t leave now because it’s snowing and the actress wasn’t able to get here—but you don’t have to worry because I’m here with this guy!” I pan the phone around to where Holden is stoking a very responsible-looking fire while looking super hot but very responsible.
“Hello there!” Holden takes the phone from me in a very alpha but polite way that I like a lot. “You must be Mr. and Mrs. Puckett. It’s very nice to meet you. I’m Holden.”
“Whoa,” my mom says. “Are you the guy from the jeans commercial with the butt?”
“Mooooommmm!”
“I am indeed that guy. That’s some of my best work. Happy New Year. I’d just like to say that I think your girl Piper is a wonderful young woman. We’ve been corresponding via email and text for a little while now?—”
“Wait, you have?” says my mom. “Wait, you’re Zephyr! Wait, you’ve been emailing with Piper? Wait, what’s happening? Josh, say something.”
My dad is just staring at his phone and smiling. “Okay.” He blinks. “So, it’s just the two of you over there? In a cabin? Is that what I heard?”
“Yes,” I tell him. “Lainey has the address. You have Lainey’s contact info.”
“Okay.” My dad swallows hard. “Okay.”
“I have a great deal of respect and affection for your daughter, sir. I just want you to know that.”
My dad clears his throat. “Okay… Okay. Very nice to meet you, Holden. Have a happy new year, both of you, and just stay safe and let us know if you need anything.”
“Absolutely. You all have a safe and wonderful night too,” Holden says.
“Thank you. Good night, sweet pea.”
“Good night, Daddy. Love you.” I end the call before either of us starts crying. That went well. “Wow,” I say to Holden. “You’re the Dad Whisperer.”
“Told you.” He shrugs. “But everything I said was true.”
“Really? That was almost kind of fun.”
“I don’t think it was fun for your dad, but he’ll be okay.”
I silence my phone as soon as I see the first OMGGGGGG text from my mom with three salsa-dancing-lady emojis. “Can I meet your parents now?!”
“No way.”
“Why not?!”
He smirks. “I already texted them, but I don’t want them to know I’m alone in a cabin with a hot chick. They’d panic.”
We’re both joking, but it makes me feel so good. “Because I’m so over-the-top sexy?”
“For sure. Especially in that outfit.” We just stand here smiling at each other for, like, five hours, it feels like, and then he kisses me on the lips. “I did tell them I’m with a girl I like, and my sister knows it’s you. I don’t think we’ve seen her this happy since she was twelve.”
I really can’t stop smiling. “What is the name of this brilliant sister of yours who has such great taste?”
“It’s Rory.”
I gasp. “Rory?! Like?—”
“Yes, like Gilmore Girls . Come on.” He claps his hands just once. “Let’s get this party started. We need to have our first date before the end of the year.” He starts moving one of the armchairs closer to the fireplace. “Time to make Journal Guy’s wish come true.”
If there’s such a thing as multiple emotional orgasms, then I’m having them.