Kayla
Iawake with a start in utter darkness. My body aches, and when I shift positions, my blankets rustle in a weird way, which is when I remember they’re not blankets. It’s a sleeping bag.
It all comes crashing back to me. The washed-out bridge, the hike in the rain, the hut, and Jace undressing me because my fingers were too numb to function. The sleeping bag is Jace’s, and if I’m in it, then where is he?
“Jace?” My voice is hoarse in the darkness, and a shadow moves next to me.
“I’m right here, sweetheart.”
His voice is close, only inches away, and gentle. When we first met, every time he called me sweetheart, he did it with a smirk, as though it was a joke. But now, when he says it, it’s gentle and endearing and sweet.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
I do a quick body scan and stretch in the sleeping bag. I’m not injured, but the temperature has dropped, and even warm and dry I’m shivering. But if I’m in his sleeping bag, what’s keeping him warm?
“I’m fine, but you must be cold.”
There’s movement next to me, and his form looms out of the darkness. “I don’t feel the cold.”
But as he says it, I hear a shudder in his voice.
“Have your sleeping bag back.” I unzip it from the top, and his hand closes over mine.
“I’m not taking your sleeping bag.”
His fingers are freezing, and it’s my turn to take them in my hands and rub them between my toasty palms.
“It’s your sleeping bag. And you’re no good to me if you freeze to death. Come here and get warm.”
I unzip the sleeping bag almost to the end so it’s big enough to fit over both of us, while keeping our feet enclosed. The cool air hits my body, making me shudder.
Jace slides onto the bedroll, and I roll onto my side to accommodate him.
Luckily, he’s not one of the big Navy SEAL guys.
He’s medium height and stocky, and as his body presses against mine, I feel his hard chest. Jace is all muscle, and I try not to slide my hands over him as I wrap the sleeping bag around us both.
“You’re freezing.”
His body is cold, and the only way to warm him up is by rubbing heat into his arms and back. But every time I touch him, it’s more than body heat that transfers between us. The spark that’s been firing between us all week is undeniable.
“It’s forty-three degrees in here. We need to keep each other warm.”
Jace slides his arms around me, and our bodies are forced even closer. My eyes have adjusted to the dark, and his face is inches from mine. He smiles, his teeth shiny in the darkness.
“Hello, beautiful.”
“Hello.”
His face is in shadow, but I can see the fire burning in his eyes. His body is pressed against mine, and I feel something stir and harden.
My mind goes to him peeling off my t-shirt and unhooking my bra, his gentle care and the intense look of desire he tried to hide.
Then, I was freezing, and I appreciated his restraint. Now, I’m still cold, but there’s an ache between my legs and a longing to feel his lips on mine.
I peer up at him in the darkness, and his gaze drops to my lips. He wants to kiss me, I’m sure of it, but he’s treating me like I’m precious, like he might break me. I’m stronger than he thinks. But he cared for me when I was cold, so I’m going to show the same restraint now.
I pull the sleeping bag up around his back as far as it will go. “Why did you pack your own sleeping bag and bedroll?”
“Force of habit. And so that if the retreat was unbearable, I could make a quick exit.”
I can’t tell if he’s joking or not. “You were going to hike home?”
“If someone started strumming “Kumbaya,” on a guitar, I was out.”
I snort laugh. He’s joking, I hope. “Meditation is not what you think it is.”
“Enlighten me.”
My hands rub warming circles across his back, and he makes matching movements on me. Slowly, the movement and the closeness bring warmth back to my body.
“It’s learning to live in the moment. It’s not about stopping negative thoughts and feelings; it’s about noticing them and not letting them control your life.”
He screws his face up. “I don’t have feelings.”
I laugh. “Are you ever serious?”
“Deadly serious when I need to be. No fucks given for everything else.”
It’s a reminder of what he did, what he’s trained for. I guess humor is one way to deal with the dark parts of his job.
“How did you get into yoga? You said you used to work for a bank.”
I glance down, thinking about what to tell him. I don’t like talking about my past. It’s not that I did anything wrong. It’s just not the person I am now.
“I did, and I was damn good at my job too.”
“I can believe that.”
His arms move rhythmically over my back, and the shuddering has stopped. I’m warming up with him next to me, and I hope he’s doing the same.
“I told you I worked in commodities, dealing in futures and making trades.”
“What happened? You got fed up with making all that money?” He smirks, but it’s partly true.
“I liked the money at first. But it’s a high pressure job with high expectations.
I was working eighty hour weeks and always worried I’d make a bad decision and people would lose their retirement funds.
I was so anxious I bit my nails to the bone.
I couldn’t eat, and when I did it was comfort food.
Ice cream straight from the tub, an entire package of Oreos. ”
I’ve never admitted this to anyone before, and I don't know why I’m telling Jace. He must think I’m a pig, but he keeps rubbing my back in slow circles, not saying a word.
Maybe it’s the darkness, or maybe it’s what we’ve been through, but once I start talking, I can’t stop.
“The people I worked with were assholes. Real assholes, not the jokey, arrogant type of asshole you are.”
“Um... thanks. I think.”
“Yeah, believe me, you’re strawberry shortcake compared to some of these guys.”
He stiffens, and his movements stop. “Did anyone hurt you? Or…”
“No.” I shake my head. “It’s a cliche that traders are all sexist pigs. I saw some of that, and for sure, it was hard to be a woman in that environment, but it was mostly snide comments about my weight, and the usual come-ons that I learned to ignore.”
“Usual come-ons? That’s not a normal working environment, Kayla.”
I let out a long sigh in the dark. He’s right. When I say it out loud, it sounds horrendous. But at the time, I was so caught up in what I wanted and the push for more, more, more that I ignored the small daily indignities. I was blind to everything else.
“The worst part is that I wanted that success so much, I put up with all of that to get it. I wanted it, Jace. I wanted the money and the nice car and the city apartment. I wanted it all so badly.”
It sounds terrible to admit, and even though it’s dark, I keep my eyes down, not wanting to see the distaste that must surely be in his expression.
“Hey.”
His hand slides under my chin, and he tilts my head up so I have to look at him. But it’s not distaste I see in his eyes. It’s kindness and understanding.
“It’s not a crime to want financial success, Kayla. We grow up in a culture that values those things. Most people never get out of the rat race. It takes courage, and you did it.”
I shake my head, and I can’t look him in the eye. “Only when my health forced me to. Some days I was so anxious to go to work that I felt sick to the stomach. I ended up in the hospital from stress. That’s when I realized things had to change.”
His movements on my back start again, and his touch feels like acceptance. I’ve just told him the darkest parts of myself, and he still wants to rub my back.
“Finding mindfulness and yoga helped me remember who I was. It gave my mind space, and in that space I realized I wanted to do something different with my life. I wanted to make a difference.”
The rhythmic movements of his hand on my back are reassuring, so I go on.
“It was hard. Every day I had to do the work, do the breathing exercises until the anxiety left me. I still have to work at it every day.”
“I’m sorry you went through all that. I thought you woke up on a fluffy cloud every day of your life and floated down to join us mere mortals.”
“I wish it was that easy. But the truth is, I work at this every day. It’s a decision I’ve made about how I want to live my life and what I want my purpose to be. It wasn’t the life I thought I was going to have, but it’s the life I choose now.”
He’s silent in the dark, and I wonder if I’ve scared him off. He must have had this idea of who I was, and the truth is I’m not that person. I’ve had to work to be the serene yoga instructor he sees.
I have to work at being content with what I have, not wanting too much, or I might spiral into that place I was before.
“You’re brave, Kayla.” Jace’s hand pauses on my back. “Most people don’t have the balls to change their life. You did it.”
I shrug. “Sometimes life doesn’t work out how you want it, and you have to adapt.”
“And sometimes, life throws you together with a beautiful, smart, brave woman and you have to act.”
His lips are inches from mine, and his gaze is on me. He leans forward, and his breath tickles my lips as he grazes them with his. His lips are cool and soft, and I close my eyes and let him kiss me.
His hand slides up my back and tangles in my hair as he draws me close to him. I part my mouth and his tongue slips inside, warm and insistent.
My heart beats faster as he crushes me against his chest. Our bodies are moving together, and the heat that’s been sparking between us all week ignites.
I move my hips and they roll against him, pressing into his hardness.
“Be careful,” Jace growls out a warning.
“What if I don’t want to be careful?”
Because suddenly, the only thing I want is to live in the moment with Jace.