Kayla
After a shower and a bowl of noodles, I sit on the couch and turn the TV on, but I can’t relax. I pace the small apartment I rent near the center of town, wondering when I’ll hear from Jace. Then I berate myself for wanting to hear from him.
I do what I always do when anxiety threatens to creep in. I lay down my yoga mat, stretch, and breathe.
As I move through the salute to the sun poses, my mind clears, and with it comes clarity.
I didn’t imagine the connection between us. It’s real, and Jace knows it, but he’s scared of something. The tough Army Ranger is scared of not being an Army Ranger. It’s got nothing to do with me.
My heartbeat steadies as I move through the sequence of poses.
I can’t control what he does, so there’s no point in worrying about it. He’ll either come to his own decision, or he won’t. And besides, I’m better off without him disrupting my equilibrium.
My chest aches, and I sink to the floor, abandoning downward-facing dog. My breathing is erratic, and my stomach twists in knots.
I know this feeling—the longing for something.
I want Jace, and that terrifies me. Last time I wanted something this badly, I ended up in the hospital with complications from stress.
I’ve been fighting my feelings for Jace because I’m terrified to want something this much.
If I’m in something, I’m all in. I don’t just want Jace a little bit.
I want all of him, his body, his mind, this connection I feel in my soul.
It happened fast, and it can’t be normal to feel this way about someone so quickly, especially when I don’t know if he feels the same.
A knock at the door drags me out of my downward spiral. When I open the door, Jace is on the other side, his hair disheveled and his t-shirt sticking to his hard muscles.
“How about for a second date, we grab some tools and help tidy up this town?”
He grins at me, and it’s the mischievous grin that makes my heart stutter. And in that moment, I know without a doubt that I can no longer deny what I want.
“I’d like a second date with you.” It feels scary to say, but good once I’ve gotten it out.
His grin widens, and he pulls a brown bag from behind his back. “And I brought lunch.”
He follows me into the house, and that’s when I notice how red his face is and that there’s no car in my driveway.
“How did you get here?”
“I jogged.”
It’s at least ten miles from here to the retreat. “Can your leg handle that?”
He shrugs as if it’s nothing. “I had to see you.”
He puts the bag down on the table and takes my hands. “I’m not going back into the Rangers.” He lets out a long breath. “I can accept that now.”
“I’m sorry, Jace.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t be. I’ve found something better, a new purpose: you.”
My heart stutters in both joy and panic, and I let the joy win.
“I want to be with you, Kayla, more than I’ve wanted anything in my life. I didn’t think I could get into a relationship because it would be too painful when I deploy. I can accept that I’ll never be in the military again, but I can’t accept that I’ll never see you again.”
I’ve never seen him so serious and so vulnerable.
“I want to build a life with you. Here in Hope or wherever you want to be, I’ll be with you. Just say you choose me too. I love you, Kayla.”
My breath catches. Since Jace came into my life, the calm I’ve fought so hard for has been shattered.
Yet as he says those words, just like when we were intimate in the hut, a different kind of calm comes over me.
A calm that’s deep in my soul; one I don’t have to fight for because he is my calm.
I catch my breath. I’ve been fighting these feelings toward him, towards wanting something so much.
But as I look into his eyes, filled with love and promise and devotion, I see my own want mirrored.
It’s scary, but I’m ready to choose him too.
“I love you too, Jace.”
The admission calms my breath quicker than any meditation. It’s like a release, and I laugh out loud at how good it feels.
He grins back at me, and the last of the fear dissipates. With Jace by my side, I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.
He kisses me, and it’s tender and soft, and I melt into him. I surrender to my want and let the warmth of his lips carry me to a deeper place.
The kiss deepens, and he pulls me against him.
Then we’re undressing each other, and I lead him to the bedroom.
He lays me down gently on the bed and climbs on top of me.
This time when we make love, we keep our gazes on each other.
It’s slow and tender, and we whisper to each other as we move together.
Afterward, we eat the takeout, sitting at my kitchen table and making plans for the future. I don’t know what that might be, but we’ll face it together. Jace has some decisions to make about what he does next, but I get the feeling that with his resourcefulness, he’ll land on his feet.
After lunch, even though I’d love to go back to bed, this town we both now call home needs us. We head out in my car for our second date: cleaning up Hope.