Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
Marina was brushing her hair out at her vanity when there was a knock on the door. “Come in,” she called, thinking it was another maid. She set the brush down and stood up to stretch.
The door opened, and Evan walked in.
She startled and realized she was just in her nightgown.
She blushed and took a step back. She itched to find her dressing robe and put it over the nightgown.
Do not be silly. He has seen you soaking wet with your corset sliding down, and that was before you were married.
No need to show him how much he affects you now! “Good evening,” she said stiffly.
He stared at her for a moment longer than necessary before looking at a random spot over her left shoulder.
Despite his best effort to keep his face completely neutral, like usual, his cheeks turned rosy, and Marina felt a small spark of satisfaction about that.
He cleared his throat and sat down on the edge of her bed.
Marina gasped. “Do not tell me that you are here to finally claim your marital right!” Why else would he be on her bed, after all?
He looked startled. “I beg your pardon?”
But she did not hear him. Finally? Why did I say that? It is not like I have been anticipating … or imagining … heavens. She turned away from him. “I did not mean ‘finally,” she said quickly. “I just meant, why bother claiming it now, after all this time?”
Evan stared at her for a moment more before he started to laugh.
Marina felt her cheeks heat up. “I do not see why you have to mock me,” she muttered. “It is a perfectly reasonable question. You are in my bedchamber at night, and you are sitting on my bed.” Even as she said it, she could not help but enjoy the sound of his laughter.
Even though it was at my expense, it is still a wonderful sound. I wish he would laugh more often.
“I wanted to check on you tonight,” Evan said. “How is your head doing?”
She stared at him, feeling at a loss. “My head?”
“The maid said you would not be joining us for dinner because you had a headache. So, how is your head?”
Marina felt herself blush even harder. “It is not too bad,” she said.
“Are you lying?” He stood up and walked toward her. “I must ask because I need to know if you will have constant headaches around dinnertime every night for the near future. For my own planning purposes.”
She rolled her eyes. “I do not see why it matters. We have been eating separately for the past three nights. You were not thrilled the last time we ate dinner together.”
“No, I was not. But I was willing to try it again. Lilly was going to join us for dinner tonight. She is quite concerned about your headache.”
Marina paused. “I did not know Lilly was joining us for dinner tonight. The maid just asked me if I was going to eat dinner with you or in my room.”
He nodded. “Of course. And the severity of your headache certainly matters on whether Lilly will be at the dinner table or not.” He said it so dryly, she almost thought he was being sincere.
She scoffed. “I believe we both know that is not true. I simply did not want to see you.”
He raised his eyebrows, as if surprised that she had been so forthright. But a small smile tugged at his lips anyway. “I appreciate your honesty,” he said. “It saves time. Why are you avoiding me?”
“Why are you avoiding me? You have not been showing up for the scheduled time with Lilly like you said you would be.”
“I asked the question first,” he said. His voice was calm, which only irritated her more.
She crossed her arms protectively over herself. “You started punishing me because Lilly acted out. She is a child, and she acted like a child, but you blamed me.”
“She acted out because you insisted on changing her schedule,” he said defensively.
“I feel—”
“You feel?” He scoffed. “All these feelings, and you still let Lilly down tonight. She waited for you at dinner after I made her promise to behave.”
“I do not need her promise! She is a child with pent-up emotions. Of course, they come spilling out now and then.” She shook her head in disbelief.
He stood up and started to pace around the room in agitation. “Then you should teach her how to control those emotions. Such things are just counterproductive, and they will only hinder her in life.”
“Emotions will hinder her? I daresay they will only help her.”
“Not when they make her sad and angry.”
Marina smiled. Despite Evan’s insistence that emotions were a waste of time, it was clear that his own emotions were ruling him right now—specifically, his love for his daughter.
Now we are getting somewhere. “Of course, she is sad and angry. Her mother died. I cannot replace her in her heart or yours.”
“My heart?” He looked at her as if she decided to speak fluent Latin to him. “I have been informed that I do not have one of those.”
“We both know that you do, as much as you try not to show it. Tell me, Evan, do you still love the late duchess? Perhaps you are grieving for her, and that is why you cannot let yourself care for anyone properly.”
Anger crossed his face. “I suggest you tread carefully about what you say next.” His voice was low and quiet.
“Why? What will happen, Your Grace?”
“Do not—” he broke off and took a deep breath, but he still looked tense, as if his anger was simmering just below the surface.
Marina could not help but watch him in mild fascination.
It was rare for her to see someone struggle so much to control his or her temper.
Her mother certainly never bothered to try.
If she were angry, then she would scream and shout.
If she were sad, then she would sob pathetically so the whole house would hear.
As for her father … well, he never cared enough about her, so it was impossible to get any sort of reaction out of him.
“Why should I not call you that? It is your title, after all. We are not husband and wife, not really. We are just strangers raising a child together because you are still in love with the ghost of your former wife.”
“I never loved her!” he shouted. He gritted his teeth as he glared at her.
“I never loved her,” he said, his voice quieter now.
“And she certainly did not love me. I needed an heir, so I entered a marriage of convenience, but I could never make her happy. I tried at first—I really did. But there was no point because she could not stand to be with me. Almost from the beginning, she had an affair with another man, and towards the end of her life, she moved out of my life completely.”
Marina looked at him, stunned. “She had an affair? I thought … Bethany had told me all of the gossip about you and the late duchess. She never mentioned such a thing.”
“Good,” he said, his voice grim. “I paid her lover handsomely to leave the country and to never breathe a word of it after he informed me of her death.”
“How long had she been living with him?” She could hardly believe her ears.
“A little over a year,” he said quietly.
“She left Lilly behind?”
“Yes. She never wanted her. She said that she provided me with my child, and that was that.” He ran his fingers through his hair as he stared at the fireplace. “Of course, I do not know if Lilly is truly mine. She had to choose a lover who looked very similar to me.”
Marina stared at him. “Lilly might not be yours?”
He hesitated for a moment before looking at her like a condemned man. “You will not breathe a word of what I am telling you. Not to anyone, including your sisters.”
“Of course not,” she said quickly. She loved her sisters, but Bethany’s love of gossip could get the better of her. Amelia would show more discretion, but there was still no reason to tell her.
“Lilly does not know,” he said. “She adored her mother and had always thought she would come back for her. I never told her that her mother had all but confirmed to me that she was abandoning Lilly. She told me it was too tedious and suffocating to be a wife and a mother, and her lover certainly had no interest in being a father. I would rather not spoil Lilly’s memory of that woman. ”
“I will not tell her,” Marina said softly. Her heart went out to the poor girl. She had no idea that she was abandoned by one parent, and she blamed her mother’s disappearance on her father. “You have my word.”
He relaxed a little and sat down on the edge of the bed again, putting his head in his hands. “You have to know how difficult this is for me to speak of. I do not say these things lightly.”
“I know. It is clear you have gone to great lengths to cover up your wife’s affair.” She hesitated for a moment before coming over to sit next to him on the bed. “I assume that is mostly for Lilly’s sake.”
He nodded. “I do not want her to have a reputation of being illegitimate. It would set her up poorly in life, and it would not even be her fault.”
“You are a good father,” Marina said. “Most men would not be so merciful.” She could not imagine what would have happened to her if she were suspected of being illegitimate. Her parents had already disliked her.
If either of them thought for a second that I was not a full-blooded Shirley, then I certainly would have been sent off to finishing school years ago.
“I am not a good father for that,” Evan said.
“As far as I am concerned, Lilly is mine. I wanted a child, and I have one, regardless of her true parentage.” He shook his head.
“I never understood why people would punish or shun a child based on the actions of their parents anyway. It is not rational.”
Marina smiled softly. “You are right. Luckily, she is safe. No one will know the truth of the matter.”
“I hope not.” He ran his fingers through his hair.
“I want to protect her. But I’m not a good father.
I did not handle her mother’s death well.
I had hoped Lilly would not be sad if I could keep her from crying.
So I ordered her not to cry. That was foolish.
I should have been less blunt when I broke the news to her. I shouldn’t have been so… cold.”
“You’re right. That wasn’t the best way to handle it,” Marina admitted. “But what matters now is how the two of you go forward. Maybe you will be able to find a way to explain things better to her when she’s older.”
“Maybe.” He sighed. “I just want to keep her safe.” He ran his fingers through his hair.
“About the other … man … I made him sign a document releasing all possible claim to Lilly, but sometimes I worry he will come back to England and make trouble for us—for her. But …” A muscle twitched in Evan’s jaw.
“Perhaps she would prefer that anyway. She blames me for everything that happened with her mother. Perhaps she would prefer to be the daughter of a silk merchant instead of the daughter of a duke. She certainly does not feel safe with me. She would not have nightly terrors if she did. So, what good does my protection do her? Maybe he would know how to make her nightmares stop.”
A lump formed in Marina’s throat as she listened to him.
She had never seen the man so open and vulnerable.
He spoke as if every word was causing him pain.
She did not know what to say to make him feel better.
She did the only thing she could think of: she reached out and wrapped her arms around him in a hug.
He tensed up for a moment. “What is this?”
“A hug,” she said, closing her eyes. She breathed in his scent, which always comforted her. She wished she could give him the same comfort he seemed to give her without even trying.
“W—why are you hugging me?” The slight tremble in his voice made her hug him tighter. When was the last time he had received comfort like this? It might have been years.
She could not imagine a life without hugs.
Even though her parents were not very affectionate with her, she had given and received many hugs from her sisters over the years.
They always helped her through tough times.
Perhaps the duke has not been hugged since his parents.
The thought was heartbreaking. “She is not going anywhere,” she said.
“You are a good father. You clearly care about her, which is more than a lot of fathers do for their children.”
“I have failed,” he said softly. “She blames me. Her nightmares are not getting better.”
“You have not failed. These things cannot be changed overnight. You have been trying to raise her alone. This is the hardest thing a person can do!” She looked up at him and smirked, hoping to lighten the mood.
“But now you have me. Marrying me was perhaps one of the best things you have ever done. For better or for worse, you are tied to me now, and I want to be here for you and Lilly. But you need to open up to me without having a spectacular fight first.”
He nodded, and he swallowed before slowly turning to her and returning the hug. His strong arms wrapped around her, and she was very aware that she only wore a thin nightgown. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to relax into his embrace as he placed his chin on the top of her head.
For a moment, they just held each other, and the world felt at peace. Then Evan slowly pulled away. He looked at her intently, although Marina could not tell exactly what he was searching for in her eyes. Then his gaze traveled to her lips, which parted, almost in anticipation.
Just when she thought he was going to kiss her, he fully untangled himself from her and stood up. “Goodnight, Marina,” he said. He left the room without waiting for a response from her.
Marina swallowed as she stared at the closed bedroom door he had just exited through.
Her lips tingled, even though they had not actually kissed.
The tips of her fingers went to her lips.
How would it feel for him to actually kiss her?
She did not mind the thought—in fact, part of her even welcomed it.
I should not be too greedy. He confided in me tonight, which was more than I thought possible. Perhaps he will want to kiss me in the future, but I should be patient while waiting for such a time.