10. Keira
Chapter 10
Keira
T he entrance courtyard of the keep is bustling with people preparing our horses and securing our supplies. I feed an apple to my dappled gray mare, watching the guards move with purpose.
The war meeting yesterday stretched from midday until late in the night. I was shocked senseless when my father arrived with Aldrin in tow, then lost my mind over the condition he was in. I immediately had Klara and Drake tracked down and dragged in to heal him.
The hours of circular arguments were enough to give me a headache. We came to the same conclusion in the end: the forces of the Appleshield Protectorate, the Northern Mothers of Magic and Aldrin’s fae will band together to prepare for this war.
Our first task is to visit each of the lesser noble houses of the North who owe their allegiance to my family and muster their support in the coming conflict.
There is no guarantee they will side with us over the king, or take part at all. Still, we will embark in two groups: a band of warriors led by my father, and a band of priestesses led through the portals by my grandmother. Of the fae, only Aldrin and Silvan will travel with us. The rest will remain behind to train Appleshield’s main body of troops and march when they do.
The chaos of the courtyard this morning is a balm for my soul. It is a relief to take action. The warriors rushing around me are preparing for war because I refused to marry Finan.
I try not to let guilt suffocate me, but I can’t help committing each face to memory as they work and laugh together. Many nod their respects at me as they pass. Not a single person holds resentment for me, and that is still something I find shocking.
Gods, I hope it doesn’t come to battle or bloodshed. I don’t know how I could stand people losing their lives so I can keep my freedom. What makes me any more important than them?
But I have spent so many years attributing no worth at all to myself. It is the consequence of living in Finan’s shadow.
No more.
Around me, fae and humans work together, and the sight makes my heart soar. Months ago, this scene would have been perfection—a fairytale dreamed up in a foreign realm while lying beside a beautiful fae man—if it weren’t for the undercurrents.
Many of the guards are just as nervous around my father as they are with the fae, and it’s not just because of his constant simmering rage. Others are friendly with Aldrin and Silvan as they utilize lazy air wields to place saddles on the horses. Aldrin laughs with Liam and Aiden as they attempt to do the same, catching the wield when it slips and threatens to drop the supplies.
“Don’t take on the burden of the coming battles,” Caitlin says at my side. I jump. I didn’t notice her approach. “Finan’s bad behavior is not your responsibility. His choice to start a civil war is not your fault. Remember, this is larger than you. They fight for the freedoms of their wives and daughters and every priestess who ever made sacrifices to save this realm.”
I run my hands across my eyes. I know this; it is just so hard to believe it. How much simpler it would be if I gave up everything I am, sacrificed my happiness and lost the life I deserve, to preserve theirs.
“Cheer up,” Caitlin huffs. “Most of these soldiers are excited about traveling between the lower lords’ estates to drink, eat and enjoy festivities. We are the ones who have to do the hard job of convincing them to muster.” Such a deep scowl forms on her face at having to socialize with lords that I want to laugh.
“They will muster,” I say. “The Northerners are too proud to let a Southern king march his army across their lands and take whatever he wants.”
Caitlin squeezes my arm, but her attention is quickly dragged away by the Captain of the Guard, who stalks toward us.
Gwyneth’s lips twist nastily as she asks, “Is it true? Are the rumors true?”
Caitlin shoots me a panicked look, but fixes her features as she turns to her partner. “What rumors?”
“Is it true that fae males father the magical pregnancies?” Gwyneth hisses. “That a pilgrim lies with them? That we have all been told lies?”
I tense. Was a guard listening at the door when Aldrin revealed as much to my father?
“I laid with no fae,” Caitlin snaps.
“Caitlin speaks the truth,” I confirm. “You know she wouldn’t betray you.”
Gwyneth tosses her head, her many long, black braids flicking out behind her like whips. “You know what the fae did to my family, Caitlin. To my sister!”
Caitlin places a hand on her shoulder. “Trust me, okay? We will talk when I get back.”
Gwyneth turns away, her entire body coiled tight. A shiver runs through me at the forlorn expression on Caitlin’s face as she watches her lover disappear back into the crowd.
I put my hand on Caitlin’s arm and whisper in her ear, “If Father can weather the storm of his fae nature being exposed, then you and your baby will survive this as well.”
“Mother and Brianna are going to have their hands full putting out that fire while we are gone,” she says.
I put my arm around her shoulders, and she leans her head in toward me. The moment lasts a few heartbeats until she spots a young guard sharpening his blade incorrectly and rushes off to scold him.
The chaos of the courtyards becomes ordered as people prepare to ride, many already mounted. My father stands in the stirrups of his huge stallion at the front of our pack, barking out commands. I notice Aldrin and Silvan stand as far as possible from the great warhorses allocated to them. Silvan frowns profusely at the creature, as though his dark looks can persuade it to enact his will. Aldrin rubs his temples, face pale.
I move toward them. “Do you need help mounting?”
“You expect me to trust this thing?” Silvan glowers at me. “How do I know it won’t kick me or buck me off? Does the beast bite?”
Aldrin runs a hand through his hair as his eyes slide to mine. “We can’t even talk to it. How does it know where to go or what to do?”
I can’t help it; a giggle bubbles right out of me. Both men shoot me indignant stares.
“Are you two big fae warriors afraid of horses?” I say.
Aldrin’s lips quirk up, but his expression is abashed.
Silvan folds his arms across his chest, a muscle feathering in his jaw. “At least we could tell the kelpies what to do. We only rode them when we were too injured to run.”
I quirk an eyebrow at him. “How well does Kai listen to you? Especially when ‘the spirits get to him.’ What does that even mean?”
“Adrenaline hit, I think,” Aldrin says, still not getting any closer to the horse. “I think I’ll walk there. Run if I need to. We can leave these creatures behind.”
The sound of clopping hooves alerts me to my father’s approach. “You will do no such thing,” he orders. “You leave here and arrive at any lord’s estate on horseback. Only peasants walk. Unless you want no one to take you seriously.”
“It’s true,” I say gently as my father leaves.
Aldrin moves closer to murmur to me, “Does it have to be this beast? This one looks nasty.” The black stallion in question huffs out a breath as though offended. Aldrin raises his eyebrows and throws a hand out toward it, as if that is proof.
I laugh. “Any horse big enough to carry your bulk is going to be nasty-looking. The groom said these two have gentle temperaments.” Neither man looks convinced. “Look, when we travel out of the keep and into any estate, we’ll be moving at a snail’s pace, so you just need to hold on. You can walk for the rest of the journey. You really need to learn to ride a horse, though.”
Both men nod, gritting their teeth as I summon a groom to discreetly help them onto their horses and position them behind me in the procession.
Our long line of warriors rides out through the guardhouse, across the bridge that connects the fortress to the orchards and down the winding path that leads to the outer wall. Each time I glance over my shoulder, I see both Aldrin and Silvan sitting stiffly in their saddles, their knuckles white on the reins.
Seeing Aldrin vulnerable makes that ice around my heart thaw.
After a few hours, we stop at a creek that runs through a rolling meadow to water our horses. Aldrin finds me soaking my feet in the shallow, crystal-clear waters to ease some of the heat of the day. He watches me from the shore, and I move carefully over the shifting pebbles of the riverbed toward him.
“You survived a morning on horseback,” I state.
“Yeah, well.” He shakes his head. “I just can’t get used to sitting on that thing. I swear there is murder in its eyes whenever it looks at me.”
A laugh rolls out of me as I glance at the calm stallion chewing grass.
Aldrin searches my face. “I was just—I thought maybe…I don’t know. Forget about it.”
He turns to walk away, but I grab his wrist and pull him back. “Tell me.”
Aldrin glances from where I touch him to my eyes. “I have always had a kelpie’s torso to hold on to. Caitlin said that a good way to get used to being on horseback—that you might not mind if I…”
My eyes dart over his shoulder to where Caitlin straddles her mount. A huge smirk grows on her lips and she raises an eyebrow at me. This morning, she told me to get over my issues with Aldrin. That everyone makes mistakes.
I am trying, but it is hard with the noise coming from my father and grandmother. They know exactly how to tap into my fears.
“You want to ride double on my horse until you get your confidence up?” I ask, a flush running over my skin. Maybe he doesn’t realize how intimate such a thing can feel.
“Would you mind?” The words rush out of him.
“I guess it’s one way to teach you how to ride.”
I pull my stockings and boots back on, then walk away, not missing the way the tension falls from his shoulders. Aldrin follows close behind, but stops short as I tie the reins of my mare to the stallion’s saddle so he can lead her.
He hovers back. “We are getting on that war beast again? Yours looks…more approachable.”
“Mine can’t take both our weight.”
I use the stirrup to pull myself up into the saddle and glance back at Aldrin. He is still surveying the horse. He has a hand behind his head, his bulging bicep exposed by the short sleeve of his tunic.
“Do you need help mounting?” I ask.
“I know how to do it…in theory,” he mutters.
I raise an eyebrow. “Well, you need to come a little closer.”
Aldrin lets out a long breath, then takes slow steps toward us. The stallion huffs out a whicker in his direction and Aldrin immediately holds up his hands at it in surrender. Something melts within me. I leap down and take his hand, almost dragging him back to the horse.
“You get up first and I’ll…hold the horse,” I say, as though it will make any difference.
Aldrin approaches with bolder steps, pulling himself up in a way that is somehow both inexperienced and graceful. I climb into the saddle in front of him, his large hands shooting out around my hips and helping me in. I send him a dark look, and he pulls his hands away and into the air with mock innocence.
I’m not ready to fall back into that comfortable intimacy we had. Not without talking through our issues first.
My father shouts a command for our band to get moving. I spur our stallion into motion, and the horse jolts forward. Aldrin’s arms wrap swiftly around my waist. His hold on me is so tight, his body so tense against mine, that I don’t doubt his fear. I join the line of horses as far back as possible, because I don’t want to deal with my father’s fury if he sees Aldrin this close to me.
Silvan is just ahead of us, his jaw tight and all the color gone from his face. His mount plods steadily on, but his stiff body hardly moves with it. He’ll have aches running up his back and legs by nightfall.
Our band of horses and warriors falls into a rhythm as we cross rolling meadows, the others naturally leaving space around the fae.
Aldrin’s hands rest loosely around my waist, clearly more relaxed now. I know I should tell him to take them off me, should hold myself separate from him, but the feel of his thick, muscular thighs pressed up against mine and his arms around me—almost caging me, in such a warm and protective way—is intoxicating. I can’t help leaning back into his hard chest and savoring the masculine scent that envelops me.
I have hungered to touch him for so long, but taking him to my bed without healing the festering wounds between us would be a betrayal to myself and my worth. But allowing him to put his hands on me here, like this? At least I can deny to myself and to him that it is anything more.
Aldrin’s hands roam over my stomach ever so slowly, as though his thoughts match my own and he hopes I won’t notice. I am hyper-aware of the placement of each of his fingers.
One hand ends up on my hip, dangerously close to my backside, and the other on my ribcage, spread until his thumb almost reaches the swell of my breast. They move in drawn-out, maddening circles, as though he knows he shouldn’t, but can’t help himself.
l melt into his hard chest, allowing myself to fall even closer to him.
Thoughts fly unbidden into my mind. Fantasies of those long fingers sliding further down my belly and slipping beneath the belt of my wide-cut pants, then dipping beneath my undergarment. Of the calluses on their tips snagging across my bare skin until they find their way to my core, already hot and needy for him.
I crave the groan that would escape his lips when he finds just how wet I am for him. How desperately I want him to plunge those long, thick fingers into me. To curl them deep inside me. A shiver runs through me as my breath hitches.
I shift in the saddle as I try to dispel those thoughts, but I cannot get comfortable. All I end up doing is rubbing my ass against Aldrin’s thighs. The gods help me, I want to do it again, to tease him. The people nearby are the only thing that stops me.
“What are you thinking about?” he murmurs into my ear, his breath curling on my neck.
I turn to glance up at him and find his eyes hooded. He is definitely comfortable on this horse right now.
“Nothing,” I respond quickly.
“Mmmm,” he rumbles.
A few moments pass, and then his body tenses around me again.
“Keira. We need to talk.”Aldrin’s words break the beautiful moment and dread fills my stomach. “There is too much anger and distrust between us.”
“I don’t know where to start, Aldrin,” I choke out. “You hurt me and I hurt you. I cannot articulate how ashamed I am of the way my family treated you and your people.”
“Start by allowing me to tell you the story of my first visit to these lands from my side. The entire story.” He tugs a lock of my hair. “We already know your father and grandmother have twisted events. That they have worked to pit us against each other.”
I flinch and turn in the saddle to look at him. “Gods, do I want to know?”
Aldrin releases his hold on me. “My visit to the human lands was the last thing I did as a king. It was the final catalyst that led to my exile. It was a huge gamble. The people were already unsettled over my insistence that we return to the old ways and nurture the lands instead of living easy in the city. The idea of inviting humans to our realm to help spread our magic across generations made them feel too vulnerable.”
He lets out a shuddering breath, but I don’t interrupt him.
“There were fears we fae would become outnumbered and diminished in our own lands. But if I gained a trade deal with humans that would bring wealth to the Spring Court—well, that would have sweetened the deal. It would have opened many eyes and hearts. If humans wandering our realm became more of a common sight, they would be seen as less of a threat. But we know how that went.”
Aldrin falls silent, and I glance over my shoulder at the scowl on his face and the distant look in his eye. I absentmindedly run my fingers through the warhorse’s mane.
“I want to hear it from you, Aldrin. What happened when you came to Appleshield?”
He gives a small start. “I sent a few diplomats across to request an audience with the human king. They consulted with the priestesses, and I was allowed a meeting with the Lord Protector instead. I didn’t barge into these lands or invade uninvited, as your father would probably have you believe.”
My stomach twists.
“Edmund was keen to speak of trade and the riches it would bring his lands,” Aldrin continues. “But he refused to have fae walking among his people, or to allow humans into my realm. After days of discussion, I convinced him to grant human merchants and diplomats the ability to travel to the fae world, to pave the way for the potential of open migration. We almost struck a deal, but then my sister fell into a trance and saw a vision of you—a red-headed beauty with womanly curves and fire in her eyes, who would fight at my side to heal both realms. Lorrella’s prophecies are never clear, but she became convinced that she had seen the love of my life. My m?—”
Aldrin’s voice breaks, and he takes a moment before he continues.
“I couldn’t get you out of my head, Keira. Something compelled me, the fates, perhaps, and I asked the Lord Protector to seal the deal with an engagement to his second daughter. I thought making you my queen would be a great honor to him. I didn’t know he didn’t have any children yet. The way he reacted, you would have thought I asked for a slave instead.”
I stare ahead at the calm meadows that pass us by, at complete odds with the turmoil roiling in my head. My knuckles are white where I grip the horse’s reins so tightly it aches. “Tell me about the battle afterward, Aldrin.”
He lets out a harsh breath. “I’m not proud of the way we left. Edmund flew into a rage at my marriage proposal and called his guards to forcefully remove us from his lands. We were swarmed in the council room, while my guards outside were ambushed unexpectedly.
“There was such murderous intent in Edmund’s eyes, and his soldiers fell on us with such brutality that I thought they were trying to slaughter us all. I called for a peaceful retreat from my people, but it was difficult. We were harried from the fortress back to the portals. The last thing I wanted was to leave a trail of dead humans behind and destroy all chances of an alliance, but then a human struck Lorrella in the head. The gash was horrible, deep and gushing blood. She was five months pregnant. Cyprien and I lost our minds.”
Aldrin’s entire body tenses behind me and a shiver ripples through him.
I take his limp arms and wrap them around my waist. It takes a moment for him to react, then he holds on to me tightly, as though I am the only thing keeping him upright.
I can only imagine the desperation of being attacked by greater numbers in an alien realm. Of all his careful planning falling apart when he was so close to achieving what he needed to save his people, all over a misunderstanding. I would have killed them all, if it had been Caitlin struck down by an enemy.
I can see the wrath my father would have fallen into. He is a man who protects his family and his people furiously, without apology or restraint. He would not think twice before burning the world down to save the ones he loves.
I have no doubt he will use everything in his arsenal to destroy Finan, even if we don’t end up going to war with him. Even if it takes his entire lifetime, my father will crush him for wrapping his fingers around my throat.
Maybe civil war is inevitable, with a man like my father holding so much power and a cruel king on the throne.
“Is that what happened to the baby? Is that why—” I can’t finish the sentence. My heart breaks for him.
Aldrin shakes his head in my periphery. “No. No, she made it to full term. But Lorrella never saw another vision after the head wound. Maybe we could have anticipated the birth going wrong and saved her if she still had the ability to predict her own doom. Her sight had saved us in the past. The outcomes of the visions were fluid like that.”
“I’m so sorry, Aldrin.” I clutch his knee and we fall into a deep silence.
He disturbs it when he is ready. “Is there anything else you want to know about that visit here?”
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I had a right to know.” Hurt blooms in my chest. I can’t handle the idea of Aldrin being another man who makes decisions for me and keeps uncomfortable truths hidden because I shouldn’t worry my pretty little head about men’s business.
“Honestly?” He sighs. “I didn’t think it was that important. It happened a lifetime ago for me. There was a selfish part of me that didn’t want to scare you away.”
I turn and give him a dark look.
He holds up his hands. “Tell me, Keira, at which point in the last months should I have told you?”
“The moment you realized who I was.” I elbow him in the ribs hard enough to get a satisfying grunt out of him.
“Yeah. Okay. You would have run screaming in the opposite direction, then I would have had a path of dead low fae to clean up behind you.”
I cringe at the memory of the Cú Sídhe he stopped me from killing. “I’m serious, Aldrin.”
“So am I!” His voice pitches high. “You had just accused me of being a monster for calling in the bargain between us and asking you questions about your realm. What should I have said? By the way, I had a massive feud with your father because I asked for your hand in marriage ? I had just finished convincing you that I was not your evil high fae slaver.”
Gods-dammit, he speaks too much sense. My chin rises and my back goes ramrod straight. “What about when we were in your palace? Or before I left through the portal?”
“Do you mean when I was trying to convince you to stay at my side? Because telling you about a prophecy that predicted you would be my life companion, my queen, would have been very manipulative. I couldn’t make you stay because fate suggested it. I want you to choose me, Keira.”
I could toss him off this warhorse right now, to test if he falls as gracefully as he mounts. Every word he says burrows under my skin, piecing bits of my heart back together.
“No other arguments? Are you speechless, Keira?” He pokes me in the ribs. “Are you going to forgive me now?”
“Gods, I hate it when you’re right!” I half sob, half laugh. “You get so damned smug.” I turn burning eyes on him as a turmoil of emotions crashes through me. “The reason I was so hurt was because you were supposed to be better, Aldrin. Everyone else used me, took from me and slotted me into positions in life that benefited them. My family. My kingdom. The prince I was supposed to marry. No one saw me for who I was until you came along. Before that, I was expected to wait patiently while everyone else made decisions for me. I was told only half the truth.
“Gods, I was the last to know that Finan had his eye on Caitlin as well, and that the king would have made him marry her if she returned from your world pregnant. I had no agency until I met you. You were meant to be better, but then I found out that you kept things from me. Important things.” Tears sting my eyes. “I thought you lied and used and withheld from me just as much as Finan, and it was the most horrible realization of my life.”
“But none of it was true, Keira.” He grips my shoulder tightly, reaching around for my chin to force me to look at him. “You know that, right?”
I feel like I will choke on the lump forming in my throat. “I know it in the depths of my soul, but they were so damned convincing. I thought I could trust my father and grandmother, then I thought I could trust no one.”
“You can trust me,” he says, so softly. “Tell me you know that.”
“It takes time, Aldrin, for that kind of hurt to heal.”
“I am trying to bridge the gap between us, and I need you to meet me halfway.” All the warmth leaches out of his tone. “I have questions for you.”
A sudden spike of fear and dread ripples through me. I know exactly what he is going to ask, and I brace myself for it as every muscle in his body tenses.
I failed him.
It doesn’t matter how many times I searched every cell of the dungeons. All the yelling arguments I had with my father to try to find him don’t count. The fact remains that he was tortured by my family and I couldn’t save him.
It took me far too long to find him and his people and pry them from my father’s grasp. I made too many damned mistakes, the greatest being the fact that I couldn’t conceive of my loving father being a cruel man.
I turn slowly to Aldrin. I have to see his expression as he accuses me of being a weak, powerless child who couldn’t protect him in my own home, even if it kills me.
“Where were you, Keira?” He searches my face with a narrow-eyed glare. “Where were you when I was being imprisoned and tortured in your home?” The downward curl of his lips reveals exactly what he thinks of me. “They told me you didn’t want to see me. That you refused.”
My lips fall open, but no words come out. It feels like my chest will burst with agony. Of course they told him lies. “Aldrin, no,” I whisper. “I would never turn my back on you. I tried—the gods know I tried.”
He stares and stares at me like he is trying to see into my soul, while my throat closes painfully. I never should have trusted that he was safe with my family. A hundred explanations whirl through my head and I desperately attempt to grab just one. I need to fix this, no matter the shame that floods me at my inadequacies.
Trumpets bellow suddenly up ahead of us, the shrill notes cutting through the still air, and more respond to the call from our number. I whirl around to see our first destination looming ahead: the small fortress of Riversdale Watch, with its lord and contingent of soldiers funneling out in preparation to meet our procession.
Aldrin’s grip on my hips tightens, as though he is afraid to lose me again. Over the muttering of our soldiers, I can hear my father calling my name. Caitlin pulls away from the head of our column and gallops toward us.
I turn back to Aldrin with wide, desperate eyes. “Please trust in me, Aldrin. We will have this conversation, I will explain everything, but…”
“But this expedition has a purpose,” he grumbles, finally taking his hands from me. “And you need to arrive at the front of the procession to greet and appeal to this minor lord, or risk offending him.”
Caitlin arrives in a storm of dust, pulling up her mount up short while it whinnies in protest. “Keira, get on your own horse now. You need to be at Father’s side.”
I glance at Aldrin, soaking up every line of his face as a deep longing fills my chest. I don’t care about politics or mustering troops or warfare right now. I only want to remove the frown pinching his features, and to have a chance of redemption in his eyes.
I place a hand on his cheek. “I’m sorry.”
He closes his eyes for a long moment. “Go, Keira. Find me later.”
I nod, then slide to the ground. Regret hits me so hard it turns my legs weak. Then I am on my own mount, racing past the troops to the front of the line with Caitlin.