Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
It felt strange for Caspian to feel as nervous as he did. It was not as if he was about to do anything that necessitated such a feeling. It was not as if he should feel embarrassed, or even unsure what the answer was going to be to the question he was set to ask.
What is happening to me? That I feel so nervous suggests that I care. And while it would be nice to simply dismiss such an idea as folly… it is high time that I stop lying to myself.
I do care, and there is nothing wrong with that.
“Good morning,” he greeted his wife as he strode into the breakfast room. “How did we sleep?”
“Wonderfully.” Thalia beamed to see him coming for her, and he offered her a smile. “And yourself?”
“I have never felt better.”
As he walked into the room, Caspian’s first thought was to go to where Thalia was sitting and to kiss her on the lips.
To show her how he felt, no longer bothering to hide his desires and his emotions as he had spent his entire life doing.
Dammit, when he woke this morning, his first thought was of her lips and their taste and how he yearned to feel them.
He did not kiss her, however. Despite how far he and Thalia had come, Caspian did not think that they were quite in that place… yet.
“I am glad to hear it.” She smiled and went back to her plate of food. As she did, she hummed lightly to herself, and the smile did not leave her lips even once.
Caspian paused at the end of the table, still very much transfixed by his wife.
It was a sunny morning, and the sun shone white through the window and over his wife, lighting her up as if a halo was emanating from her body. Caspian had always thought Thalia to be beautiful, but today he realized how far short that description fell.
She is beyond beautiful. She is transcendent. An angel come from heaven and gifted to me for reasons I cannot comprehend.
He could not stop looking at her. And he could not stop thinking about what they had done last evening… dangerous to do, because Caspian’s blood began to run hot and his legs began to tremble at the thought. But for once, he did not care about such things.
Last night had not been intended to happen the way it did.
Their only plan had been to attend the Ball and remind the ton that their marriage was a happy one.
It was an easy enough reminder to give, as he and Thalia were in a place where they could be comfortable around one another without having to force it.
Only then, he had seen her dancing with Northwick.
He had seen her laughing and smiling, and he had noticed the way Northwick held her.
That lit a fire of envy inside of Caspian like he could not have predicted, and before he knew what he was doing, he was acting on impulses he’d spent so long trying to contain.
It was his fault, he knew. All of it. This marriage. How poorly it started. How terribly he had treated his wife. Not done on purpose, but that didn’t make it any better. Now that he knew it, and now that he was willing to try and fix it, Caspian was excited to see what might happen.
That’s right! Excited. I did not want this marriage but now I can’t imagine a world where it did not happen as it has done. And it is time that I prove this to Thalia… even more than I did last evening.
“I had a thought earlier,” Caspian started as he walked down the length of the table.
“Oh?” she looked up.
“Yes…” His tongue grew thick in his mouth, nerves starting to wreck him. “Do you have any plans today?”
“I am as free as a bird,” she said.
“Good, as am I…” He swallowed the lump in his throat, unable to believe that he was feeling this nervous about something that should not have fazed him. “And with today being so gorgeous, I thought we might spend it together.”
Thalia started in surprise but was quick to recover. “And what did you have in mind?”
“Ah, now we can play this two ways,” he said. “One, I can tell you, so you can decide if it is something you wish to do. Or two, I can surprise you and you can take your chances.”
She laughed. “And if I take the surprise and don’t like it?”
“Then you will have to contend yourself with my company. Think of it as a consolation prize.”
She laughed again. “The surprise it is. And if I hate it…” She sighed and pretended to look content but not thrilled. “I have a good feeling that your company will more than satisfy.”
It was so silly that her simply agreeing to spend the day with him excited Caspian the way it did. As if she might have said no. As if there was a chance that she had better things to do. As if she did not want to spend the day with him as much as he did with her.
She can feel it, as well as I. Something has shifted between us. Something has grown. And while not so long ago, I might have fought against it… that was the old men.
“Perfect.” Caspian walked to where Thalia was sitting. Then he took her hand and kissed it while looking into her eyes. “We will leave on the hour, if the timing suits you.”
“It suits me perfectly,” she said back, looking him in the eyes the whole time.
They left within the hour, as promised. It was just a short carriage ride, less than an hour, and still within the confines of the estate. But that did not take away from its beauty.
“Caspian…” Thalia started when the carriage came to a stop and the doors opened. She peered outside, her brow furrowed as she tried to take in where he had brought her. “This is…”
“Probably not what you were expecting.” He climbed out ahead and offered her a hand.
“In truth, I didn’t know what to expect,” she laughed. “I thought it would be more fun that way.”
He had brought her to a small glade on the other side of the forest that sat on the edges of the estate.
The glade was surrounded by tall trees that came to a sudden stop, girt by soft grass that was thick and verdant, and then taken over by a large pond with crystal blue water that sat flush at the very center.
It was isolated from the world, contained in its beauty, and perfect for the two of them.
“This is beautiful,” Thalia gushed as she looked about the large glade. She laughed when she saw bluejays flocking through the trees. And she gasped when a deer frolicked from the forest, stopped to stare at them, and then vanished back in the brush.
“You like it?” he asked nervously.
“What do you think?” she beamed at him.
“Here…” He walked to the carriage and popped open the trunk attached to the back. Inside was a basket filled with snacks, and a blanket to sit on. “Let me just…” Caspian hurried to lay the blanket down by the edges of the water and set the basket up between them.
Thalia folded her arms as she watched him. “It looks like you’ve done this before.”
“Maybe a few times.”
“Tell me, Your Grace, how many women have you brought out here?”
Caspian’s eyes widened. “What? That’s not what I –”
“I am joking,” she laughed and then swept to him. There, she wrapped her hands around his arm and pulled him in close, placing a kiss on his cheek. “It is lovely, Caspian. I love it.”
Once, such showings of affection, such displays of warmth, would have made Caspian squirm with discomfort.
It still did, truth be told. But out here, alone as they were, with nobody to watch or judge them, Caspian was able to ignore those feelings in his gut and simply enjoy the warmth and affection that his wife was giving him.
“I’m glad that you do,” he said with a smile. “I hoped that you would.”
They spent some time walking the edges of the glade together.
Holding hands the whole while, it was as if they were both afraid to let go.
Thalia took off her shoes and dipped her toes in the water.
She splashed Caspian who laughed. There was a small outcrop of rocks sitting over the water and they climbed them.
To many, it would appear like a simple day. But to Caspian and Thalia, the meaning behind it was huge and both seemed to recognize the fact.
Once it was near midday, they chose to sit down on the blanket and unpack the food that Caspian brought. Cucumber sandwiches and fruit, nothing exciting, but the food wasn’t what mattered.
They sat close together on the blanket. Caspian with his legs folded, and Thalia leaning into him so that he could wrap an arm around her. There, they watched the water ripple, they saw birds flutter through the trees, and they basked in the midday sun.
“So, are you going to tell me?” she asked him after some time of them sitting in silence.
“Tell you?” Caspian leaned back. “Tell you what?”
“Why this spot?” she asked, adding a light chuckle in as she did. “Clearly, you did not find it by accident. And clearly…” She indicated to the picnic blanket and then looked at him with a questioning eyebrow. “You have done this before.”
“Ah yes,” he said. “All the women I have brought here.”
“That’s not what I meant,” she said. “Now, come on…” She elbowed him playfully. “Tell me, what does this spot mean to you? It must mean something.”
She was right about that, and silly Caspian, he did not consider when he brought her here that he would be expected to tell her. What was meant as a nice gesture suddenly felt much more personal, more intimate, more real because Caspian rarely spoke of his past to anyone.
He hesitated, suddenly nervous and unsure.
“Caspian…” Thalia must have felt his body stiffen because she pulled away and looked at him. “Is something wrong?”
Caspian looked down at his wife, noting the concern in her eyes.
He knew right then that if he told her that he did not want to talk about it, she would accept his answer.
By now, she knew him well enough to know that he did not speak openly about his feelings, and certainly not his past. Not because he did not trust her, just because… I am not even sure why.