Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
They spent the carriage ride home in awkward silence.
Caspian fumed silently the whole way, brought to a level of anger that Thalia had never seen in him before. And Thalia, watching her husband closely, could only wonder why he was so angry.
Who cares what people think? Who cares if our secret is out? It should not matter, so long as he cares for me. If his feelings are true, what people think is irrelevant. Our love is all that he should care about…
Was that the reason he was so angry? Was it fear that with their secret out, that they could no longer lie about how they felt? And if they could no longer lie, was he going to spurn her, shut her out as he had done in the early days of this marriage?
Did he care for her at all…
“Caspian!” Thalia was forced to call after her husband once they arrived home. “Wait!”
Caspian was halfway across the foyer, each step taken shaking the very foundations of the manor. She could not say what was on his mind exactly, but she intended to find out. She had to, for the sake of their marriage… and their unborn child.
He stopped when he heard her voice, and he slowly turned around.
Thalia gasped when she saw the look in his eyes, one that she had never witnessed before.
It reminded her slightly of how he looked when they were in bed together, the animalistic side of him coming to the fore.
But there was no hunger there this time, no desire. Only rage.
“He will pay for this,” Caspian seethed. “Mark my words, he will pay!”
“He does not have to,” Thalia said gently as she went to him. She made sure to keep her voice soft, her eyes caring. “And if you antagonize him further, he will only –”
“Only what?” Caspian barked, and Thalia winced. “He insulted the both of us, Thalia. It was as good as if he spat in our faces. He will not get away with this.”
“But if you try and fight it, it will only make things worse,” she eased him. “The best way to nullify gossip is to give it no air to breathe.”
“It already has air,” he snarled, body shaking. “And the longer we do nothing, the worse it will become. No…” He shook his head. “This will not stand.”
“What…” She leaned back. “What do you mean to do?”
“First, we must cut the rumor off once and for all…” He bit into his lip, his brow furrowed tight. “We will host a party… a party that will prove to everyone how we feel about one another. Yes…” He started to nod his head. “And we must make them believe it, no matter the cost.”
She winced. “Do you think that is necessary?”
“Of course it is.”
Thalia hesitated on what she was about to say.
She knew the reason that Caspian was so upset. To have his honor questioned in that way, to be called a liar to his face, was the height of insult. He had every reason to want to prove it false, if for no other reason than to protect his dignity.
The problem, as she saw it, was that such things should not have been necessary.
“Caspian…” Carefully, she took her husband’s hand. It was trembling, so she held it to her chest. “I need you to breathe. To be calm.”
“I am perfectly calm.”
She chuckled softly. “This is not calm. In fact, I don’t think I have ever seen you so emotional.”
“Can you blame me?”
“No, you have every right. Only…” She made sure to be looking into his eyes.
“Let us think about this clearly. Anything that we do will be watched closely and commented on. And any actions we take, if they are obvious, will only add kindling to the fire. The best way to fight this is to do nothing.”
He bared his teeth. “I cannot do that.”
“You can,” she pressed on him. “Caspian, what does it matter what other people say? I know you think it does but…” She shook her head as she looked desperately at him. “The only thing that matters is how we feel. And all the outside noise is just a distraction.”
Her eyes searched him, praying that he would understand what she was saying, but he looked away, still snarling, still shaking.
“We are married,” she continued gently, still holding his hand to her chest. “We are happy, no?” She waited for a response, but he did not give it. “It does not matter how this marriage started, only how it ends.”
“I… that is not…”
He was struggling to come to terms with how he felt. Behind the anger, beyond the confusion, Thalia could see him desperately reaching for answers that were not there. She knew how he felt. She was certain that he cared for her. He just had to say it…
“I will not be insulted.” He snatched his hand away and turned his back on her.
Thalia’s heart sank and she stumbled back.
Why can’t he say it? The only reason I can think… no, I refuse to believe that. Not after everything we have done.
It was thus that Thalia came to a decision. It was madness, she knew. It was dangerous and would likely break her. But with all things considered, she had no choice.
Sick of the lies. Sick of not knowing. And now with a child on the way. If Thalia was to stand by her husband, she needed to know that he would stand by her. She needed to know once and for all that this marriage meant to him what it did to her.
“Can I ask you something, Caspian?” she said softly, speaking to his back. He did not respond, so she asked again. “Caspian, look at me please.”
Slowly, he turned. There was still that anger behind his eyes, but through it, she thought she could see the man who she had fallen in love with. He was not angry, but scared. Lost and unsure of how to find a way out. He loved her, she knew that he did, and she needed him to see it.
“When I agreed to marry you, it was done with the requirement that I give you an heir, and I want to know, when that day comes, what…” Her body was trembling with fear. “What will you do?”
He started. “What do you mean?”
“Lord Donmere’s words do not matter.” She took a step into him and took his hand again. “Not unless what he says is the truth. So, I ask you again, when I do provide you with a child, what comes next? What does that mean for us?”
The question caught him by surprise.
He leaned back as if shoved. The anger he held faded, sadness flashing behind his eyes, and Thalia continued to hold him in her probing stare. She bore herself into his eyes so that he could not escape her.
Should she have just told him how she felt? Maybe, but that felt like a cheat. She did not want to force him. She did not want to trick him. She wanted him to say it on his own accord, because only then would she know it was true.
“I… I have not thought about it,” he said finally.
“Yes, you have,” she countered. “Tell me, when I have a child, what is next for us? This marriage is not what either of us expected, it has not gone how we foresaw…” She laughed and forced a smile. “And I want to know, what you want from me. From us.”
He licked his lips as he considered.
He glanced away and then looked at her.
He fought within himself, and for a moment, Thalia thought that she saw the answer pass behind his eyes. She thought that she saw the relief that comes when one stops fighting the obvious and finally accepts the truth. She thought that she saw love.
“That is up to you.” He looked away. “Once you have done as promised, you will no longer be required to stay with me. I can arrange to have you housed at another property. You will be free.”
Thalia’s heart sank through the floor and the world turned around her. She let go of his hand and took a step back, nearly tripping because her knees shook so horribly. The floor rose, the ceiling collapsed, and it was all she could do to not burst into tears.
“Oh…” She sniffed and straightened, forcing a neutral expression on her face. “Is that… is that what you want?”
“Is it not what we agreed upon?”
It was like a knife plunging into her chest. She did her best not to show it, but she wasn’t so sure she managed. “I suppose it is.”
And there it was, the answer she had sought. But not the one she had wanted. Despite how Thalia felt, Caspian did not love her. By the sounds of it, he did not care about her at all.
She turned away because she could feel her eyes welling with tears.
“I should go…” She started across the foyer, desperate to be free from him.
“Thalia…” He called after her. She stopped but did not turn. Still, she hung onto the vein thread of hope that he might change his mind… “I will let you know what I plan, concerning Lord Donmere.”
“Do that,” she said without turning around. Then, a decision was made, one born from the moment. “If you need me, I will be at my brother’s home.”
“What?”
“Rosaline is staying there, I believe,” she said. “As is Laurent. They need me now, and I should be there for him.”
“You cannot go,” he said in shock. “What if word gets out? How will that look?”
“How will it look?” She laughed bitterly, bowing her head, letting her shoulders slump. “To be honest with you, Caspian, I really do not care.” And then, before he had a chance to say anything else, she strode across the foyer and out of the room.
It was only once she was free from her husband, tucked away in a random room of the manor, that she gave in to her emotions. She collapsed on the floor, she hugged her knees to her chest, and she wept as if the world was ending.
The world was ending… her world. Caspian did not love her. And it was because she loved him the way that she did, that knowing the truth of his feelings hurt more than she could possibly bear.