Three
‘Have you paid a deposit?’ Ted asked, a couple of hours later when we’d finally settled on the sofa together, after I’d loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen, and put the rubbish out, while he’d answered three phone calls and spent over an hour doing some work on his laptop for “an important client”. Ted had another beer and I had yet another glass of wine, finishing the bottle. ‘You’ll get a refund, won’t you? When you cancel.’
We had eaten in silence until Ted had eventually asked for more details of the cottage in Midwinter, but it had quickly become clear that he had no intention of going and that anything I might have said to try to persuade him would have been futile, so I hadn’t tried.
‘Erm.’ I clicked on the TV remote and an episode of Love Island All Stars popped up on the screen. I immediately changed channels. I didn’t need the competition. My body wasn’t bad, but I tried to keep it covered as much as possible. Especially in the winter months when it was more the colour of porridge than sun-kissed bronze. Neither of us were football fans, but an FA Cup Final was preferable, in my opinion at least, to the other offerings. I hadn’t renewed my subscriptions to any of the streaming services because one of my new year resolutions had been to watch less TV. ‘I had to pay the full amount. It was a last-minute booking. And it’s Valentine’s Day next Friday, so no.’
His head shot round so that he could look at me. ‘You won’t get a refund?’
‘Not if I cancel. No.’ I stared at the TV as one of the footballers rolled around on the wet grass, hugging his right knee.
Ted shifted his position and his torso was now facing me, ‘What do you mean, “not if I cancel”? We discussed it. I can’t just swan off for a week without giving my firm proper notice.’
I turned my head to meet his eyes. ‘And yet you said during supper that if I changed it to somewhere hot, you’d be happy to help me “get over my little problem with flying.” And that you could email Babs in HR and tell her, and it’d probably be fine.’
‘No, I…’ He lowered his gaze and shook his head before looking at me once more. ‘Okay. I did say that. But come on, Lucy. You know I’m not particularly into the countryside. And long walks don’t really do it for me. Especially not in the rain. I’m sure you’ll be able to get a refund. Even if it’s only a partial one.’
‘What if I don’t want to? Cancel, I mean.’
His mouth opened and then closed and his brows knit together before he spoke.
‘Why wouldn’t you want to cancel? I know you probably meant it as a pleasant surprise, but as I said earlier, you should’ve discussed it with me before you booked. I don’t want to spend a week in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. Cancel, and we’ll do something special on Valentine’s Day. I’ll take the day off and we’ll spend it together.’ He looked away from me and glanced at the TV. A roar had gone up among the crowd and the footballers were now all hugging one another after one of them had scored a goal. ‘Erm. As it happens, I’ve just been told about a networking event next weekend and … I think perhaps I should go to that. That was one of the calls I got tonight.’
I didn’t ask for details and Ted didn’t immediately offer any, but he was right. I should’ve discussed it with him first, before I’d booked our week away. I don’t know why I hadn’t.
And yet, perhaps I did know why.
Something had definitely changed between us since New Year’s Eve. Not by a huge amount, but by enough for me to know there had been a change. And then Mum had asked me a couple of weeks ago if everything was going okay between me and Ted, so even she had noticed. Erin said I was imagining it at first but last week, on one of our regular, girls’ nights out, she agreed with me.
‘Ted’s never been overly effusive on the romance front,’ Erin had said, ‘But I agree it’s odd that he hasn’t mentioned doing something on Valentine’s Day. Last year he told you three weeks before that he was planning a surprise treat for you. I remember, because I said that as he’d told you he was planning a surprise, it wasn’t a genuine surprise. And you said it was a surprise, because you didn’t know what the actual treat was. And then it turned out to be dinner in the restaurant at the pub where you’d met.’
‘Yes. And you sarcastically said that you’d never heard of anything so romantic.’
Erin had laughed. ‘It was hardly imaginative, was it? Dinner in a pub restaurant. I said it then and I’ll say it again now. Surely he could’ve come up with something better than that?’
‘At least he made an effort. This year, he hasn’t said a word.’
‘Perhaps this year he’s actually keeping his epic romantic gesture a secret.’
‘Do you think so?’ I had brightened at that prospect.
‘No,’ Erin had unceremoniously replied. ‘I think he’s been so focussed on his work that he’s forgotten about it entirely. And last year, I remember you saying how excited you were about Valentine’s Day. This year you’ve hardly mentioned it.’
That conversation had made me realise that the change in my relationship with Ted wasn’t just down to him; I had cooled off too.
When I’d told Mum about it at work the following day, she had said that all relationships go through this as couples settled into their own routines.
I didn’t want a routine. And I didn’t want to settle.
Yes, I wanted to get married, have kids, and pets, and everything else that falling deeply in love usually led to, but settle into a routine? No thank you. I wanted to be with someone who made my heart soar, my mind fizz with excitement, and my body burn with desire, each and every day. I wanted the sort of love I’d be willing to do anything for.
Was that the stuff of fairytales?
Perhaps it was.
But that was how Sam had made me feel.
Okay, that had been ten years ago, and I was only eighteen at the time. But I was only twenty-eight now, and I wanted those things. I had always wanted those things.
That was why I had booked a romantic getaway for me and Ted to that cottage in Midwinter.
After one year and a few months together, Ted and I were drifting apart. I could feel it. He hadn’t booked anything for Valentine’s Day. I hadn’t been certain of that, but I somehow knew he hadn’t. He had confirmed that tonight when he’d said that if I cancelled, we could go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day. He hadn’t said that he had already booked something.
And I hadn’t been excited about Valentine’s Day this year either. If we were going to save our relationship, one of us had to do something to rekindle that spark.
I was hoping that being so close to Fairlight Bay, the place where I’d experienced the best week of my life, not to mention, the best sex of my life, might reignite something in me. And hopefully ignite something in Ted.
How stupid of me.
I had wanted to spend a week with Ted in a cosy, country cottage in Midwinter in the hope that some of the magic I’d felt in Fairlight Bay ten years ago, might waft over us, and make us fall in love. Deeply, madly, and passionately in love.
Because we weren’t.
We liked each other a lot, but love?
Neither of us had said those three little words, and the chances of us ever saying them were getting less each day.
This evening, I had also realised that I wanted to get away from the hustle and bustle of Kingston upon Thames. Away from the bridal shop, and the online side of the business that I helped my mum run, where every bride-to-be gushed about her upcoming marriage with the love of her life. The man of her dreams. Her one true love. Away from the constant reminder that, the way things were going, it would probably never be me. Because the only man I had ever truly loved, had broken my heart ten years ago, and no one since had made me feel the way that he had.
When I’d met Ted, I had thought he might come close, but the longer we dated, the more it seemed unlikely. I’d booked this romantic break in a sort of last-ditch attempt to see if we could make a go of it. But in doing so, the only thing I would have possibly achieved was the thing I was determined not to: I would be settling.
I wanted to be in love. Deeply in love as I once was. All those years ago. Would I ever feel that way again? Why wasn’t I lucky with love?
Perhaps the problem wasn’t with the men I dated. Perhaps the problem was with me. I still hadn’t got over Sam, even after all these years, I was clinging to the past.
So I was going to spend a week in a cosy, country cottage in Midwinter and try to sort myself out. Whether Ted came with me or not. And I wanted to go back to Fairlight Bay and to try to exorcise those ghosts. The ghosts of a long-lost love.
Was I being overly dramatic? Probably.
But after I’d had that little flashback earlier, I couldn’t get Sam out of my mind. And I had to get him out. Once and for all. I had to move on from my past if I was ever going to have the future I wanted.