Nineteen
Supper at End Cottage was a lively and entertaining affair, and I felt as if Sam and I were a real couple. I really liked all my neighbours, and I found myself wishing, once again, that I lived in Fairlight Bay. I loved Erin with all my heart, but I knew that I could also be good friends with Noelle and Alec, and Adele and Marcus. As could Erin, if she moved here too.
Sam and I finally returned to Far Cottage around ten p.m., and walked with Noelle to Middle Cottage, Alec having left a little after nine-thirty to get Melody to bed.
I hadn’t realised he and Noelle had only been dating since last December, although I think Adele might have mentioned it. I also discovered Melody was his child and that he was a widower, who didn’t actually live with Noelle, but who had a home of his own down in Fairlight Bay. From what I had gleaned during supper, he and Melody spent half the week in Middle Cottage, and then Noelle joined them for the remainder of the week at Alec’s home.
I also discovered that Adele and Marcus had a rather strange and dramatic history. He had been married to a nasty woman who had cheated on him with his best friend, who at the time lived in Noelle’s cottage. Marcus’ ex-wife had moved in with Marcus’ former best friend, and then they’d moved away together. Just last Christmas the pair got married. Adele and Marcus hadn’t spoken to one another for years, thanks to Marcus’ ex-wife. But last December, Noelle had helped bring Adele and Marcus together. And now they were inseparable, and deeply in love. As were Alec and Noelle, it seemed.
‘Perhaps I shouldn’t bring this up,’ I said, as Sam and I walked into Far Cottage and closed the door behind us, ‘but did you hear that Alec’s first love had died, and now he’s found his second? And Marcus picked the wrong woman first, but now he’s found the right one? So I understand your point about the divorce rate and all that. But surely you can see mine, about there being someone special for everyone? Noelle and Alec found each other, as did Adele and Marcus.’
Sam met my eyes after helping me off with my coat and we stood facing one another in the hall.
‘You’re assuming that Alec and Noelle, and Adele and Marcus will stay together. They might not.’
I raised my brows in disbelief and my mouth fell open.
‘Are you serious? Didn’t you see how deeply in love each couple is?’
‘I saw two couples who seem to be happy with each other. At the moment. But they’ve only been couples since December. Talk to me again when they’ve been together for years.’
‘You’re unbelievable! How can you ignore the fact they’re so in love. Deeply in love. They were clearly made for one another.’
‘Says you.’ He turned and walked into the kitchen and I followed. ‘We’ve had a lovely evening, Lucy. Let’s not ruin it by disagreeing.’ He reached out for me but I held back. He let out a long sigh and ran a hand through his hair. ‘You’re going to do this, aren’t you?’
‘Do what? Prove you wrong?’
‘Prove me right. I really like you, Lucy, and that week we spent together ten years ago was the best week of my life. I told you that. And this week so far has, if anything, only been better. But I can’t give you what you want. I can’t have a relationship with you. It would break us both. It would ruin this. Ruin our memories. What we had then was special. What we have had over the last two days has been more so. It will stay with me forever. I want to spend the rest of this week with you. I really do. Doing what we’ve been doing. Enjoying each other and having a good time. But I can’t give you more than that. And I can’t keep having this argument about love, and about there being just one special person for each of us. You believe that. I don’t. Can’t we just agree to disagree? I can’t give you more. I can’t make you promises. I can’t be the man you want me to be. I can’t get into some sort of relationship with you. Especially not a long distance one. I don’t want a relationship. Why can’t you just let me be me? I can’t be anyone else. I’m not prepared to live a lie. Not even for you.’
I stared at him in silence, unable to think of anything to say. Unable to stop the pain searing through me. I shouldn’t have drunk so much wine during supper. I shouldn’t have started this conversation. This argument as he called it.
He let out another sigh. ‘I’ll sleep in the other room tonight. And I’ll leave in the morning. The snow should be passable by then. I’m sorry it had to end like this, Lucy. I truly am. I was really looking forward to this week and… what’s the point? I’ve said all I can possibly say.’
I ran up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door behind me, collapsing onto the bed in a heap.
Why had I been so stupid? He’d made his position clear from the start. Several times, in fact.
Why couldn’t I just enjoy what we had?
Why did I have to keep pushing him for more, even though I knew he couldn’t give it? Wouldn’t give it.
Even though I knew he didn’t love me, why did I keep wishing and hoping that he would?