Twenty-two
Iawoke to sunshine on Friday morning – Valentine’s Day – and to breakfast in bed, consisting of a glass of champagne, freshly squeezed orange juice, poached eggs, mushrooms, bacon, and tomatoes, together with toast and marmalade, delivered on a faux silver tray, with a single red rose in a bud vase, a card, and a beautifully wrapped gift. Sam had gone above and beyond, and for one brief moment, when he smiled at me and bent down to kiss me, I actually believed he loved me.
‘This is a first for me,’ he said, ‘so I hope it’s okay. I need to pop into town to my showroom this morning, but I’ll be back as soon as I can and we’ll do something special. It’s a beautiful day, so maybe we could go for a ride, or something? Anyway, enjoy your breakfast and I’ll see you soon.’
‘Thank you,’ I called after him. ‘I’ll give you your card and present later then, shall I?’
‘Yeah,’ he called back. ‘That’s fine.’
Well this was a great start to Valentine’s Day. The breakfast in bed was lovely, but surely he could’ve stayed and enjoyed it with me?
The card, to my surprise was fairly romantic. It had two cherubs on the front, shooting arrows at one another. Maybe that wasn’t so romantic after all. Inside it read, ‘Be My Valentine’ and he had signed it simply, ‘Sam’. He had added one kiss though, so that was something.
The gift however, was a complete surprise. It was a silver, heart-shaped locket, and inside sat a photo we had taken together in a photo booth on Fairlight Bay pier just the day before. I had wondered why he was so adamant about having our photos taken in that booth and whether or not he remembered we’d had our photos taken there before. Now I had my answer. Alongside the photo in the locket was another photo of us both, taken ten years earlier, in the same photo booth.
I was utterly astonished. I had kept my copies of the photos we’d had taken that day all those years ago. I had no idea Sam had kept his copies too.
I put the necklace on, vowing never to take it off again. Except to shower, and maybe before I went to sleep.
I’d bought Sam a dancing heart, that did little back-flips when you wound the spring. Not quite as romantic. But I hadn’t expected a real gift from him. Just a jokey token. This was a complete surprise.
And that wasn’t the only surprise I was to receive. Except the next one wasn’t from Sam.
I had seen the florist’s van pull up in the car park opposite – because I was looking out for Sam’s return. It was just my luck that he drove up on his bike, as the florist was leaving the front door, having delivered a massive bouquet of two dozen red roses … from Ted.
I’d decided earlier that morning – before I’d opened the gift from Sam – that although I might never love anyone as much as I loved Sam, if I could find someone like Ted, I might be able to be relatively happy.
I wanted a home, a family, a wedding.
Sam would never give me those things. He’d made that abundantly clear.
But someone like Ted might. And now, having read the rather gushingly romantic card accompanying the roses, before I had seen Sam return, it seemed Ted wanted to give me those things. He’d realised how much he’d missed me. And how much he cared about me. And the note with the card informed me that, on his return from Portugal, we would go out to dinner where he intended to ask me a very particular question. I was fairly certain it wasn’t about my taxes.
I considered trying to hide the roses, but Sam had clearly seen the florist, and also the bouquet I was holding at the door. I could hide the note, but what was the point? Sam wouldn’t care. So instead, I went back inside, leaving the door ajar for Sam to enter, and I put the roses in a vase and placed the vase on the counter with the gushing card beside it.
Sam didn’t look happy.
‘Were those flowers for you?’ he asked, as soon as he stepped inside the front door. ‘Ah. I see they were.’
‘They’re from Ted,’ I said, seeing no benefit in lying. ‘He’s had a change of heart and he wants us to have dinner when he returns from Portugal. He says he has something in particular to ask me.’
‘Oh does he?’ Sam said, sounding none too pleased.
‘I love this locket,’ I said, holding out the heart shaped locket Sam had bought me. ‘And I can’t believe you kept those photos from all those years ago.’
He furrowed his brows, and glared at the massive display of red roses.
‘I assume you didn’t.’
‘I did. I can’t believe you kept yours.’
‘Why wouldn’t I?’ He shrugged, still glaring at the roses as if they might attack him any second.
‘Because it’s romantic. And you don’t believe in love and all that stuff.’
‘I didn’t say I didn’t believe in love, exactly. I said it doesn’t last. My parents, and even yours are proof of that. Along with thousands of others who’ve got divorced. Okay. Maybe I did say I didn’t believe in it. So, Ted wants you back, does he?’
‘It would seem so.’
‘And?’
‘And what?’
‘Will you go back to him?’
I shrugged. ‘I honestly don’t know. We get on well. And I know he believes in love and marriage and kids and all that. But…’
‘But what?’
I looked him in the eye. ‘I don’t love him. Not in the way you should love the man you intend to marry.’
‘You intend to marry him?’ He looked distraught. ‘Why in God’s name would you do that?’
‘Because I want a husband, and a home, and a family, and a pet dog, and cat, and everything else that goes with it. I want to love and be loved. I want someone special in my life.’
‘You … you don’t have to get married to have those things.’
‘Maybe not. But that’s what I want.’
‘I … I don’t know what to say.’
‘There’s nothing to say, is there? You don’t love me, do you? You’ve made that abundantly clear.’
‘What if I did? Love you, I mean.’
I looked him in the eye wondering what was happening.
‘But you don’t, do you?’
‘What if I did?’
‘But you don’t. Or are you saying that you think you might?
He glared at the roses again.
‘Do I have to buy two dozen red roses to show you that I do?’
My heart did a little leap.
‘No. You just have to tell me. You simply have to say the words.’
‘The words, I … love you?’
‘Yes. But without the inflection on the end. It needs to be a statement, not a question.’
He sucked in a breath and ran a hand through his hair.
‘I’ve been to see Dad. And also, Mum.’
‘Have you? That’s … nice.’
He rested his hands on the back of a chair and looked me in the eye.
‘You know my parents have been married and divorced more times and to more people than most people move home. Well, I didn’t want that. I didn’t want endless broken families, in my life. So I decided I’d never get married. No matter what. But Dad has often told me I was missing out on something that could be wonderful. Not that any of his, or Mum’s marriages, have been that, but Dad said at least they’ve both tried to find happiness. He told me today that I run from happiness. Do you think I do that?’
‘I think it’s possible that you do, yes.’
‘Hmm. Mum says I do too. Anyway, Dad said it was like someone having parents who are serial killers. He asked me if I thought that meant their child would automatically be a serial killer too? I had to agree that it didn’t. He told me that just because he and my mum aren’t good at relationships, it didn’t follow that I would be bad at them as well. Unless I thought I was. That was a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. “You're your own man, Sam,” he said. “You can be whatever you want to be and do whatever you want to do.” He also told me that he’d never had feelings for any woman that were anything like the feelings I have for you, Lucy. And Mum has never felt that way about any man, so he said. I asked her about that afterwards, and she agreed with Dad. “Believe me, son,” she said, “if either of us had felt even half of what you say you feel for Lucy, we would have both run, not walked that person down the aisle. You’d be a fool to give up on a love like that just because of some irrational fear that it might not last or that you're not worthy.” And then she told me to stop being such a total jerk and to come and tell you how I felt. So here I am, Lucy. Except, I didn’t expect to have competition. And I only gave you one red rose. Not a whole bunch of the damn things.’
I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly, at first.
‘You don’t have competition, believe me. But … are you saying what I think you’re saying?’
He furrowed his brow. ‘If you think I’m telling you, in a rather long-winded and roundabout way, that I love you, then yes. I am. Is that what you think I said?’
I nodded. ‘Uh-huh.’
‘Okay then. At least we’re on the same page. Unless … you don’t love me, that is. But you do. Don’t you?’
I laughed at that.
‘You know I do, you utter imbecile.’
‘Imbecile? I thought I did that rather well. You have no idea how hard that was for me to say. I had to get it all out at once or I might not have said any of it. I’m not used to doing this. Or to saying this stuff. But just to make it clear and for the avoidance of all doubt. I love you, Lucy. I’ve always loved you. And only you. I just didn’t want us to end up like Mum and Dad. But this week has made me realise that my life is so much better with you in it than out of it. So I want you in it for ever from now on. I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. I want to be the man I know you want me to be. The man I want to be. The man you deserve. Because I want to be with you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.’
‘Oh, Sam,’ I said, running to him and throwing myself into his arms. ‘I love you, Sam. Just the way you are. I’ve always loved you.’
‘Well,’ he said. ‘That wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. I should tell you I love you more often.’
‘That would be lovely,’ I said. ‘But … actually. There’s something I need to tell you, Sam. Something that might change the way you feel about me.’
He looked both sceptical and concerned. ‘Okay. But nothing will change the way I feel about you, Lucy, so don’t worry about that. If it’s something from your past, I don’t care. If it’s something in your present or your future, we will deal with it together, whatever it is.’
I took a deep breath. ‘I have aerophobia,’ I said. Not wanting to keep anything from him. ‘That’s a fear of flying.’
He let out a huge sigh of relief and beamed at me as he pulled me back into his arms.
‘Oh god, Lucy. I thought you were going to tell me something dreadful.’
I revelled in his embrace, but then I eased myself away and looked into his eyes.
‘I don’t think you understand, Sam. Okay, it’s not a serious illness or anything like that, but it’s a condition that causes a severe reaction and means my travel options are restricted. I’ve never been on a plane. Just the thought of it brings me out in a cold sweat.’ My words were tumbling out and although Sam’s mouth was opening and closing, I didn’t give him the chance to speak. ‘The first time I tried to get on a plane I had severe chest pains, dizziness, and nausea. I couldn’t breathe and I thought I’d either be sick or pass out at any minute. And that was just in the airport. I keep telling myself it’s an irrational fear, but I can’t help it. I went to see a specialist but that didn’t work. I even tried hypnotherapy. The next time I went to an airport, I made it as far as the check-in desk but I was sweating and trembling, and I wanted to scream. Then the nausea, rapid heartbeat and dizziness kicked in, and even Usain Bolt would’ve had a hard time catching up with me, I ran out of that place so fast. I’m really sorry, Sam.’ I gave him a pleading look and finally stopped to let him have his say.
He smiled reassuringly and he gently brushed a lock of hair away from my face.
‘You’ve got nothing to be sorry about, Lucy. We’re all afraid of something. That’s one of the things that makes us who we are. And I love who you are. I love everything about you. Thank you for telling me about your fear. If I can help you in any way, I will. I wasn’t making light of it. I know how awful it can make people feel. But I don’t see why you think it might be a problem between us.’
‘It’s a problem if you want to go abroad. And I know how much you like travelling.’
His brows knit together. ‘Why is it a problem? We can use the Channel tunnel if we want to go to Europe, and there are ferries to most places from there. It might take a little longer, but that means we’ll have more time to spend together. That’s not a problem. That’s a blessing. Don’t forget, I’ve taken my bike on most of my holidays. That’s meant I couldn’t go by plane, so you see, it really isn’t an issue. And cruises aren’t just for the elderly.’ He slid his hands into my hair and eased my head towards his, that devastatingly gorgeous smile of his making my heart pound in my chest – but in a good way. A very good way. ‘I love you, Lucy. Just being with you every day feels like a holiday.’
His kiss confirmed everything he’d just said and my heart soared with delight.
Sam truly loved me. And I truly loved him.
‘Sam?’ I asked, a few minutes later as our lips parted. ‘What are you afraid of?’
He looked me in the eyes, his own eyes questioning.
‘Afraid of?’
‘You said we’re all afraid of something.’
‘Oh I see.’ He smiled and then his expression was deadly serious. ‘I’m afraid of losing you again.’
I beamed at him. ‘You’ll never lose me again.’
He breathed in deeply and then let out a slow sigh.
‘I’m delighted to hear that,’ he said huskily, his mouth within inches of mine once more. And then his tone changed and the serious expression was back. ‘I’m afraid of clowns. I’m not joking. It’s irrational, I know, but I can’t help it. I had an unpleasant experience with a clown when I was a kid and even now I can’t bear to be near one. They give me the creeps. Does that make you think less of me?’
‘Absolutely not. I don’t like clowns much either.’
‘So we’re agreed? No clowns at our kids’ birthday parties.’
I gave a small gasp of delight. We were planning our future together and I couldn’t have been happier.
‘We’re agreed. No clowns.’
‘Because phobias are not a laughing matter,’ he joked.
‘They’re not,’ I confirmed as his mouth came down on mine in a kiss that was deep and passionate and made me feel as though I were flying among the stars. It was better than all the kisses we had shared all week.
I might have been afraid of getting on a plane but if that was what flying felt like, Sam Worth might be able to help me overcome my fears. With Sam by my side, I was sure that anything was possible.
And I was certain now, that despite us both having parents who were divorced – several times in his parents’ case – Sam would be by my side for the rest of my life. And I would be by his.
The only problem, as far as I could see, was that I would need to persuade Erin that Sam would truly make me happy. I was sure as soon as she met him and saw us together, she would see how we felt about each other, so I wasn’t really too concerned about that.
What did concern me, was how I was going to get my best friend to want to move to Fairlight Bay. But that was a problem for another day.