Chapter 14
The next morning Nell was awakened by her phone alarm chiming at eight o’clock. She had slept well and felt refreshed. Stretching
beneath the plush black blanket piped with white, she looked out the large window. Through the top of a palm tree in her view,
she noticed the sky was dark with clouds. How might this affect Moira’s plans for their morning walk along the shore, pool
time, massages, and dinner on the catamaran?
She walked into the small adjoining bathroom, its walls adorned with palm leaf wallpaper reminiscent of Blanche Devereaux’s
bedroom from The Golden Girls. After washing her face, she found herself wondering how Moira was feeling after drinking so much. Moira had not just fallen
asleep in the theater; she had passed out on the first night of her own birthday celebration. Nell quickly reined in her thoughts,
steering them away from any hint of condescension.
“God, I’m not saying a word to her. You can handle it,” she said out loud as she pulled her toothbrush and toothpaste from
her flowery toiletry bag on the bathroom counter. “You are the one who can convict her and change her. You don’t need me.”
God hadn’t necessarily needed Chip Rehman either, but he used him to show Nell the error of her ways.
Like Moira, Nell was defensive and accused her husband of being dramatic and holier-than-thou for disapproving of her choices.
Over time, however, her heart softened, and she came to understand that her husband’s words came from a place of concern, not criticism.
God had used him to communicate with Nell.
Perhaps he wanted to use Nell to reach out to Moira again.
It had not gone very well back in December, but maybe it was time for her to take another swing at it.
“Okay, maybe. I trust you, God, to tell me what to say, if anything.”
Nell found it difficult to trust anyone—herself, Chip at the beginning of their relationship, and even the Lord and his divine
plan. To her, trusting meant relinquishing control, which made her uncomfortable. As the oldest of three children, she had
to take charge when her father’s drinking and affair brought chaos to their family. Nell was only a teen then, but she felt
responsible for comforting her mother, caring for her younger siblings, and maintaining peace and hope within their home.
As an adult, Nell tried to control her house, the schedules, the appointments, the extracurricular activities that her twins
were involved in. And drinking had provided relaxation from the burden of needing to be in charge. Nevertheless, after becoming
sober and drawing closer to God, Nell realized she didn’t have to manipulate everything. The need to be in charge was a false
belief she had created—a purpose she had assigned to herself. One of the most beautiful aspects of her relationship with Jesus
was the act of surrender. It was liberating for her to acknowledge that she couldn’t manage everything on her own. Finding
rest at his feet was exactly what she needed.
Knowing all that, she still faced moments when she struggled to trust. It was simply part of her human nature, a struggle inherent to being flesh and blood.
She spent hours lying in her dark bedroom and worrying about her children’s safety, the possibility of backsliding, and even about her friend Moira.
She tended to stew in panic for a while until the Lord gently reminded her that she wasn’t in control—and that she didn’t need to be.
Peace would eventually wash over her whenever she whispered, “I trust you, Lord.”
Nell spent the next thirty minutes in the palm-print guest bathroom talking to God, then getting ready for the morning walk
along the Ogeechee. She laced up her green and white tennis shoes and checked her phone to see where her children were early
that Saturday morning. Both were safe and sound in their beds, and she thanked God for it.
CK and Erin sat at the round wrought iron table on the back patio, holding hot cups of coffee. They gazed at the calm water
beyond the manicured lawn, which was dotted with oak and palm trees and patches of blooming pampas grass. The same pampas
grass plumes were in fresh flower arrangements throughout the home.
“Cloudy today, isn’t it?” CK broke the silence as a cool breeze wafted through the green canopy above them. Bits of moss fell
onto the cobblestone patio and tumbled into the mulched flower beds filled with begonias in shades of pink and red.
Erin tightened the strings of her gray hoodie and used the toe of her worn tennis shoe to pull the tapered leg of her sweatpants
down over her exposed ankle. “It’s a little chilly for me,” she admitted.
“You’ll warm up once we get moving,” CK said as she picked up her phone from the table and sent another text to Silas. “My son Silas texted earlier that he was awake and was about to log onto the college’s website. I hope he didn’t just roll over and go back to sleep.”
“What’s he got to do this morning? You mentioned it last night, but . . .” Erin’s voice trailed off.
CK sat back in the cool iron chair. “Cumberland State began accepting applications this morning. He’s only a junior, but the
earlier he applies, the better his chances for admission. I’m most concerned about some of the questions on the application—essay-type
questions about his goals and challenges he has had to overcome. That kind of thing. I really wish I were there to help him
through it, because he isn’t the best writer.”
“I’m sure he will be fine,” Erin assured her. “What if he doesn’t get into Cumberland? Any second choices?”
CK took a sip of the steaming coffee flavored with hazelnut creamer. “He’s only ever mentioned Cumberland State. It’s just
forty-five minutes from home. He would commute, continue living with us, and save money. I honestly don’t know what plan B
would be. I guess we still have plenty of time to figure that out.”
CK was quiet for a moment and then said, “My husband, Sean, wants him to go as far away from home as he can. He’s not opposed to us sending him off to a big city in another state.
‘He needs life experience. Cut the cord,’” CK said, imitating her husband’s deep, serious tone.
“I get it. I really do. But I just—” She let out a deep sigh and shifted her gaze from the calm water to Erin, searching for understanding.
“How do we let go of them when the time comes? Gemma seems ready to push her child out the door without a second thought, and I simply can’t wrap my head around it.
How did Mo and Nell manage to do this? It feels so unnatural, doesn’t it?
After dedicating eighteen years to raising a child and preparing their lunches, bandaging their scrapes, and holding them when storms roll in, I mean, how do we just abandon all that and release them into the world?
What if your boy decided to leave, Erin? How would you deal?”
Erin pulled her feet up onto the iron chair, tucking them beneath her as she cradled her coffee mug tightly in both hands.
“PJ is all I have. It’s just been the two of us for the last nineteen years. Not literally, because I was married to his dad
for twelve of those years, but that marriage was far from happy, and PJ and I only had each other to depend on. We weren’t
the picture-perfect family frolicking around on the sandy shores of Tybee Island on a Saturday.” She glanced over at CK from
beneath the gray hood of her sweatshirt. “His dad abused me both physically and mentally.”
“Erin, I’m sorry to hear that,” CK offered.
Just a few months into Erin’s marriage, minor irritations—such as having a stressful day at work or being stuck in traffic—triggered
Phillip’s volatile temper. For the next twelve years, Erin found herself walking on eggshells, living in a constant state
of fear and uncertainty. It was perhaps too soon for the new Mrs. Pepperell to witness that cruel side of him. She likely
wasn’t aware that Phillip had left Erin without a penny and that his nineteen-year-old son did not have a relationship with
him due to the mental and physical abuse he had inflicted on his mother.
Erin continued, “There have been many times when PJ stepped in and came to my defense, not just as my son, but as my only protector. When the time comes for him to leave the nest, it will be very difficult for me. But, CK, I’ll be honest. It’s not me holding on to him; it’s PJ who clings to me.
He’s filled with anxiety whenever I mention his next steps in life.
Even while I’m at my second job at the convenience store, he makes it a point to check on me constantly.
He’s texted me ten times since I have been here. He’s the one who can’t cut the cord.”
“Oh, Erin, you must think I’m such an idiot,” Celia Kate said, shaking her head in embarrassment.
“Of course not,” Erin gently reassured her. “I understand where you’re coming from. I love PJ more than anything in this world.
He’s my greatest blessing. But he’s got to find his own way. I hate that he’s always worried about me. I want him to embrace
life fully—to explore the world, find love, get married, have kids of his own. Those dreams mean everything to me, but here
he is, focused on making sure his mama is okay, putting my needs above his own. So when you ask me how I would feel if my
boy chose to leave home, I’ll tell you honestly. I would be relieved. It would mean that I had done my job, that I raised
him to be strong and independent.” Erin reached over, her hand lightly tapping CK’s knee covered in trendy joggers. “I don’t
know you that well, but I trust you’ve done your job and your boy will be just fine. And you will be too.”
“You haven’t said much so far this weekend,” CK said, “but I hope that changes, because you have a lot of wisdom.”
Erin smiled appreciatively at her new friend before they were interrupted by the sound of Gemma and Nell talking while exiting