Chapter Thirteen #2
And, a frightened voice in my heart reminded me, I’d never be able to change my mind if I failed to return. Once word reached the House of Industry, my name would forever be associated with failing to thrive at a Mission characterized by a shockingly low level of expectations and responsibilities.
Josephine Haven, the apprentice who had gotten sent home from her assignment before radiance had even been connected to her Mission.
“You …” Julian began, frowning. He briefly looked like he wanted to reach for me before he said, “I certainly hope you’ve packed handkerchiefs.”
I nearly mustered a glare, but even now, I couldn’t bring myself to outright disrespect Julian. Regardless of only being a few years older than me, he was my Senior. I consoled myself with imagining setting his shoes on fire.
Deep down, I knew my desire to lash out at him was all bluster. What I really wanted was his empathy. What I wanted was to be his friend. And friends didn’t hurt each other like this. Or, at least, I imagined they didn’t.
When he took my suitcase for me, Julian avoided my gaze.
I reminded myself that none of this was his fault.
Not entirely, anyway. Even if I hadn’t been caught being improper with Ezra, I knew in my heart that I wasn’t an adequate Conductor.
I wasn’t good at following orders. I was too curious and too impulsive and too violent.
Julian would be in dereliction of his own duties to let me continue fumbling my way through apprenticeship.
My presence was putting the whole Mission at risk of being disrespected or disregarded by the townspeople—or targeted by resistors.
If he’d known I’d used radiance like a Transistor during the robbery, he wouldn’t have let me off the train.
He was doing the right thing by sending me away. But I didn’t have to be happy about that. I couldn’t be happy about that. I could barely breathe.
Though no one but the mule watched us cross the courtyard and enter the path toward the train yard, I ducked my chin low.
Every few steps, I wiped my nose with my sleeve, feeling every bit the chastised child.
I wore my tool belt stubbornly, and it bounced at my hip, the only comfort as a tide of shame threatened to drown me.
Unless I found a way to rid myself of Julian, I couldn’t even run away properly.
I’d have to leave the train at a distant stop, hopelessly far from Frostbrook and unimaginably far from Sterling City.
There, I’d surely end up begging my way back onto the train.
It wasn’t like I could survive as a rogue Conductor in a wilderness where no one had the infrastructure to make any use of it.
“You’ll grind your teeth to bits at this rate,” Julian muttered. “Stop that.”
“I’m not grinding my teeth. I’m trying not to cry.”
“Well, you’re not doing a very good job at that.”
I wanted to wallop him. “Haven’t you criticized me enough for one day? I’ll be gone before you know it, and you’ll get a new apprentice to judge.”
Until that moment, I hadn’t considered someone else in my place. In my room. In my Mission. I shuddered with the effort to suppress a sob.
Julian heaved a sigh that was somehow sympathetic and utterly impatient with me at the same time. “Try to get ahold of yourself before we get to the station.”
“That’s quite easy for you to say,” I snapped. He’d probably never cried a day in his life.
“It takes discipline. Discipline you sorely lack.” Julian stopped walking so abruptly, I nearly stumbled into his back.
His hazel eyes were like polished stones when he turned and watched me wiping my nose and swallowing back tears.
“You cannot show others every part of yourself. The world will devour you. Feel these things. Feel them entirely. But do not give that power away.”
His words were soft, hurried. His gaze darted to the tree line before he took me by the elbow and ushered me to continue walking beside him.
My throat went dry. I let his words wind around me like a ribbon. Feel these things.
“Why are you—”
He released my arm forcefully, as if it had disgusted him to touch me. “Keep walking, or we’ll miss the train.”
“You’re the one who stopped.”
His breath sucked in, an argument clearly poised in his throat.
Then he sighed again. Without looking at his face, I knew he was rolling his eyes.
The silence that followed left me alone with my thoughts and the echo of his unexpected advice.
He hadn’t said one sentimental or encouraging thing to me in my days at the Mission.
It was only now, as we headed to the station, that he felt compelled to offer me a scrap of helpful guidance?
Of strange guidance.
It reminded me of Professor Dunn telling me to be myself as she bid me farewell.
I wanted to tell him that I liked feeling. I liked the pain, and the rawness, and the potential of it all. I liked the small forbidden part of me that wanted to be known and wanted to know others.
Despite trying to keep him off my mind, I considered Ezra, how unhappy he’d been when we’d gotten caught together at the Mission.
How he’d been more disturbed by my show of radiance than by Julian’s blow.
My chest felt hollow. I should have tried to leave him some sort of letter.
Dropped it off at Ainsley’s. Hidden it somewhere.
Now I’d disappear, and he’d never know that I—something.
Enjoyed his company? Liked his unreasonably thick eyebrows and the softness of his eyes?
The truth was that I wanted to kiss him again. But not a kiss goodbye.
I wanted to be part of his dream of a quiet life in a beautiful place.
Maybe he was nearby. Maybe he’d come to say farewell. Was I worth saying goodbye to, or would I be like the engineer’s son—nothing but a memory of a past dalliance?
A train whistle, shrill and long, startled me out of my thoughts.
Julian handed my suitcase to the attendant.
I was leaving now whether I liked it or not.
I was not about to duel with Julian, no matter how much I suspected I’d win if I did.
If I injured him, I’d feel awful about it no matter how stuck-up and frustrating he was.
Beside us, a man and woman were helping a limping, pallid young man make his way onto the train. The young man coughed a dry, wheezing sound that echoed in the recesses of my memory. I shuddered and looked away.
Ainsley approached wearing an apron dusted with flour. At the sight of Julian, her eyes hardened. She held a cloth sack. “Sending her away without a bite to eat? Surely they taught you manners in the big city.”
He stiffened beside me, but his voice held the same silky condescension as usual. “As incompetent as Josephine proved to be, I felt her capable of packing her own supper.”
I’d actually packed nearly everything in the pantry into my suitcase. A fact that I hoped would irritate him for days to come once he figured it out.
I accepted the sack from Ainsley anyway. “How did you know I’d be on the train?”
What I wanted to ask was, How did you know I’ve been disgraced?
Ainsley glanced at Julian pointedly before patting my hand. “Ezra told me that Senior Gray dismissed you. He thought it best not to show his face here.”
Had Julian intimidated him so much that he didn’t feel safe bidding me farewell?
“Oh.” It was little more than a pained exhale—as if I’d been struck in the stomach just as Ezra had been. This felt like far too private a conversation to be having in public. Especially when Julian was so angry that I’d … that we’d …
Trying to recover my senses, I asked, “Is Henry not with you?”
Ainsley tilted her head, a frown briefly crossing her features. “No. I took him to Harlington, where a family can foster him until the winter. With bandits about, this is no place for a child to play in the woods.”
Be careful.
“Please tell him I said goodbye.”
“Henry?” she asked, her lips giving a minute quirk.
“Yes, of course.” I lifted my chin, daring her to tease me.
Ainsley gave me a nod of acknowledgment, and I waved the bag of food at her awkwardly, surprised to find myself wishing she’d embraced me. We were hardly friends, but she’d been welcoming and kind, and I regretted losing the opportunity to become closer.
The whistle sounded again, and Ainsley and Julian shared an inscrutable look before Julian ushered me toward the passenger car. Though I knew Ezra wasn’t here, I couldn’t help looking over my shoulder, scanning the train platform for the sight of a boy far too tall for his own good.
All I saw was Ainsley watching us, her expression unreadable.
Julian stayed by my side until I reached the entrance to the passenger car. Wordlessly, he took the bag of food Ainsley had given me out of my hands.
“What?” I tried to snatch it back.
“Get on the train,” he said urgently. “Now.”
The look in his eyes made me stop reaching for the food.
He slapped the side of the train as if urging a horse to move.
“Go,” he said, his voice strange—almost frightened.
I stared back at him for a moment before I pushed through the curtain into the dusty car that looked like no one had set foot in it in a year.
There was no time to wonder at his puzzling behavior. The train lurched into motion, and I had something more pressing to consider: when to jump.