Chapter 6
CHAPTER SIX
When I woke up it was dark. I glanced at the clock, seven. Why was it seven? Distantly, I heard a small voice saying, “Help. Please help...” My Nana Cole.
I got out of bed and padded down the stairs to the first floor. In the kitchen, my grandmother was on the floor. Emerald was happily crawling around next to her.
When Nana Cole saw me, she said, “Thank God. I’ve been calling for forever.”
“Why didn’t you wake me up when Dorothy left?”
“We called up the stairs and you wouldn’t wake up.”
Okay, so maybe I took two Ativan. I was having trouble remembering.
“Dorothy just left?”
“She had things to do. She has a life.”
“Everyone living has a life.” I picked up the baby and strapped her into the car seat. She seemed to be smirking, as though she’d engineered this whole situation.
“How did you end up on the floor?”
“I fell. Is it that hard to figure out?”
“Were you holding the baby when you fell?”
I was giving Emerald a subtle exam, gently squeezing her limbs to see if she cried, touching her head to make sure it hadn’t been flattened on one side.
“I didn’t let go of her and she didn’t hit the ground.”
“You know you’re not supposed to take her out of the car seat when you’re alone.”
“She was getting fussy. And why aren’t you asking me if I’m hurt?”
She was still on the floor, so I’d assumed she was. She was also talking, bitching, making excuses for herself. So I knew she couldn’t be hurt badly.
“Have you tried to get up?”
“No, I’ve been enjoying my time on the floor. Of course, I’ve tried to get up. I’ve been trying for the last half an hour.”
“Do you want me to call an ambulance?”
“Don’t be stupid. Just help me up.”
I bent down and slipped my hands under her arms to pick her up the way I would Emerald. She was saying, “Not like that. Stop—” Too late, I’d lifted her off the floor. She really was a lot more fragile than she looked. She screamed a little, but I got her to her feet.
“Chair… chair…”
I pulled out a dining chair and set her in it.
“Ah… ah… oh sweet Jesus…”
“I’ll get your coat and purse, and we can go after I check to see if the baby needs to be changed.”
“Go where?”
“To the emergency room,” I said, though it seemed obvious to me.
“No. Help me into my chair.” She meant the one in the living room, not the one she was sitting in.
“You might have broken your hip. We’re going to the ER.”
“Just get me to my chair and I’ll be fine by tomorrow.”
“Get there yourself,” I said, to prove a point.
Pressing down on the table, she tried to lift herself out of the chair.
She struggled mightily to not make a peep as she did.
I gave Emerald the sniff test. She was fine for now.
The diaper bag (vintage Winnie the Pooh from the ’60s and used for my mother and later me) sat near the front door; I was pretty sure it hadn’t been touched and had everything we’d need.
My grandmother was still trying to get out of the chair.
I went down the hall and took her coat off the coatrack and brought it back to her.
“No.”
“Okay. I’ll warm up the car. If you’re not in the living room by the time I come back we’re going.”
I walked out the back door, wondering if I should just call an ambulance. I could get her to the hospital if she cooperated, but it didn’t seem like she was going to do that. And it would be nice if she was someone else’s problem, if only for the time it took to get to the hospital.
Riley followed me out the back door. He’d like to go to the hospital.
He’d like to go anywhere. I started the car and then threw down some more rock salt onto the back steps.
Back inside, Nana Cole was exactly where she’d been when I walked outside.
I braced myself for more negativity, but then she said, “I couldn’t get the coat on. ”
I’d won. Not as satisfying as winning the lottery but still a victory. I had to take what I could get. I grabbed her coat, which was possibly older than I was. Then lifted her off the chair again.
“Okay, you’re going to need to hold onto me. Grab my sweater.” I thought that was magnanimous since she’d likely stretch it out. And I really did love that sweater. Seriously. It was lime, for god’s sake.
Anyway, while she was clinging to me, I put the coat behind her then had her slip her arms in one at a time.
Then, without asking, since I knew that would be a bad idea, I bent down and picked her up in a fireman’s carry.
I learned that watching Baywatch. I knew there was a reason to watch that show other than guys in bathing suits—though the male to female ratio on the show was not at all.
.. Okay, fine, we’ll talk about that later.
“Put me down! Put me down now!”
I ignored her. Putting her down only meant we’d be stuck wherever I put her down. Still, she kept demanding to be put down until I got to the SUV, opened passenger door, and plunked her onto the seat. Not too gently.
“FUCK!” she roared.
Hmmm, this might be bad. I mean, I’d never heard her swear like that. I ran back to house, collected the baby in her car seat, the diaper bag, forced Riley into the house against his will, and then went back to the Escalade. Once I got Emerald strapped in, we were off.
At the entrance to the ER at the recently renamed HealthWeb Hospital (formerly Midland Hospital, formerly Morley Medical Center, formerly St. Anne’s), I jumped out of the car, grabbed the baby and hurried in.
I told the receptionist, “My grandmother is in the car, she’s taken a bad fall and is in a lot of pain. I need help getting her inside.”
It seemed like forever, but was probably a whole two minutes, before an orderly, dressed entirely in scrubs, came out with a wheelchair.
“Your grandmother can sit, right? She’s not lying in the back seat, is she?”
“No, she’s sitting.”
“Great,” he said as he pushed through the automatic doors.
Behind him I said, “It’s the Escalade.” Not that there were many other choices. I mean, I’d parked right in front, and I could see my grandmother wincing at us through the passenger window.
Once the orderly had gotten Nana Cole into the wheelchair, she moaned loudly but managed not to swear again.
He wheeled her directly into the emergency room.
He took us to an exam… bay? Is that what they’re called when there’s no actual room just a bunch of spaces defined by thin curtains?
I should know, I’d been there enough… But you know, no one gives you a tour.
Anyway, we went right in. Like the pretty people at an LA club.
There was a chair, so I sat down and took Emerald out of the car seat so she wouldn’t fuss.
I got her onto my lap, and she immediately started pulling on my sweater—determined to complete the misshaping Nana Cole had started.
Once the orderly wrangled Nana Cole onto the exam table, he said, “The nurse will be here in a minute.”
“Thanks for your help,” I said, as my sister tried to put her hand into my mouth.
As soon as he left, Nana Cole said, “He wasn’t gentle.”
“Do you want to leave?”
She glared at me for a moment before saying, “I don’t want anything. I’m just telling you.”
While we waited, Emerald and I stared at each other. Frequently, she had a dubious look on her face. I know babies at her age can’t form sophisticated thoughts, but I could see that ideas were floating around, trying to connect, and I expected that her first full sentence would be ‘What the fuck?’
Then Edward walked in. I was speechless for a moment. I often was with him. He probably thought I was an idiot. And in that moment, I probably was.
“Hello.” He looked at the baby and said, “So, this is the result of your visit last fall, I assume?”
“This is Emerald.”
“Hello, Emerald.”
She smiled flirtatiously. Clearly, we were related.
Turning to my grandmother, he asked, “Now, what happened to you?”
Before she could answer, I said, “She took a fall with the baby, even though I told her—”
“I had an accident,” she interrupted. “The kind people have. And the nurse hasn’t been in yet. You’re early.”
“It’s all right. I remember how to do vitals.” He walked over to her and began taking them. He held her wrist for a half a minute then said, “You fell while holding the baby. Did the baby hit her head?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t think so.”
“I was careful. I didn’t drop her.”
He stopped and looked the baby over quickly. That meant he was very close to me. His smelled amazing. I was tempted to toss the baby aside and just grab him.
Then, to Nana Cole he said, “You did a good job. Though you may have made things worse for yourself.”
My mood changed quickly. Was she going to come out of this a hero? She was explicitly told not to—I would have made that point, but Edward was checking her heart with his stethoscope. He looked like he was having trouble finding it.
Apparently he did though, because he announced he was going to exam her hips. “Did you fall on one side? Or did you fall flat on your back?”
“More on the left.”
Emerald maintained her balance by pulling on my hair. I really needed to give her a toy or something. Unfortunately, the diaper bag was on the other side of the exam table.
To me, Edward said, “I thought your mother was just visiting. When do she and the baby go back to California?”
“I guess you’ve missed the gossip. She disappeared.”
Nana Cole squeaked. He’d found her left hip.
“Sorry,” he said. Then, “Your mother disappeared? You don’t think something horrible…”
“Nothing happened to her,” my grandmother said. “She sent a Christmas card.”
“Do you know when she’s coming back?”
“Not a clue.”
“She married Emerald’s father.”
Awkwardly, Edward said, “Well, that’s something. Can you lift your leg?”
As my grandmother grimaced, I said, “Is it something, though? I can’t work out if it’s better to be abandoned by two parents or just one.”
Oh my god, I could hear the anger in my voice. Getting angry in front of the sexy doctor who occasionally gave me pills was a terrible idea. I shut up.
“Okay, I’m going to send you for X-rays. Sorry we don’t have a portable machine. Too small a hospital.”
He nodded at both of us and then left. I scooted out after him, baby bouncing in my arms. “Edward.”
Turning back to me he asked, “Did I forget something?”
“I just, um, I don’t mean to sound so pissed off.”
“Sounds like your mom is being irresponsible. It’s okay to be pissed about that.”
“Oh. Okay. Yeah, I’m pissed.”
We kind of gaped at each other for a moment. Then he spoiled the moment by asking, “The situation isn’t… How are you doing with the pills?”
“Well, I could use another prescription, if you’re so inclined.”
Emerald took that moment to wallop me in the face with one hand. Really? She couldn’t possibly understand—
“Not what I meant,” Edward said, then he whispered, “Oxy?”
“I haven’t had any of that for a hundred and eighty days. Eighty-one? Eighty-two? Something like that.”
“Good. Good for you. There’s a chip for that, isn’t there?”
“I have no idea.”
“Well…”
He looked like he was going to walk away from me, so I blurted out, “Rather than a chip… How many days before we can try having another date?”
“I’m not really supposed to date patients.”
“I’m not a patient. My grandmother is.”
“You’ve been my patient. Repeatedly.”
“Um… Isn’t that a problem? This is the only hospital in like two hundred miles. Basically, everyone is your patient.”
“That’s occurred to me.”
He paused and then after a moment said, “Let me think about it. I need to go order your grandmother’s X-ray.”
When I was back inside Nana Cole’s bay, curtain-room, whatever, I put Emerald back into her car seat which resulted in her starting to cry. I looked up and Nana Cole was glowering at me in a way that made me say, “None of this is my fault.”
Had she heard my conversation with Edward? She might have. There was basically a threadbare piece of cloth hanging between us. Crap. I mean, not crap. Screw her. She had to know I was gay. I mean, I did tell her, and I haven’t exactly been hiding it. She knew. Right?
I dug Emerald’s plastic keys out of the diaper bag, and waved them in front of her. She paused the sobbing, took them, threw them on the floor, then began crying again. I picked them up, they’d need to be washed, and while I was down there, I realized she needed to be changed.
“I’m going to go change the baby,” I told my grandmother as I grabbed the car seat and the diaper bag.
In the men’s room, as I was washing the keys with a little soap—not a lot, I didn’t want her swallowing a lot of soap any more than I wanted her swallowing whatever lived on a hospital floor—while I was doing that I thought, What the fuck am I doing here?
Two years before, well, maybe eighteen months.
During pride month 2002, I went out to West Hollywood every night for eleven days straight and did not pay a single door cover, did not pay for a single cocktail or any of the various and sundry pills I popped into my mouth.
Now, I know that’s not Nobel Peace Prize-worthy, but it is an accomplishment.
One that I’m rather proud of. One that I’m afraid I might never repeat if I don’t get back to Los Angeles soon.
Young gay men have a shelf life and I could feel my expiration date approaching.
But instead of enjoying my moment, I was holding a dirty disposable diaper in my hand with my nasty, broken grandmother in the other room.
It was wrong. All wrong.