Chapter 34
Lyra
EVERYTHING FEELS . . . WRONG. AFTER MIDTERMS and Samhain, I had so much hope, so much excitement.
But somehow, it’s all blown away like leaves on an autumn wind.
I keep thinking about that letter sitting on Cairn’s side table, wondering what’s going to happen, wrestling with the emotions writhing inside me.
I know I’m being selfish and hotheaded. I care about Cairn—of course I want him to have a job he enjoys, do something that gives him purpose.
But I’m also sad and jealous and left feeling like I don’t mean to him what he means to me.
If he really cared, wouldn’t he have told me?
Wouldn’t he have wanted to talk to me about it?
Maybe he was afraid of this very thing happening: me getting upset, making a fuss, tearing the fragile thing we have—had? —into little pieces.
Why am I doing this? Why am I acting this way?
I felt like I’d made so much progress with controlling my magic and my emotions. But all it took was this one thing to derail me. Now my fire’s acting up again, and so close to final exams . . . This could be it for me. If I mess up again, I might be packing my bags and not coming back.
Where I’m sitting in the deep window in my secret alcove, I pull my knees tight against my chest and wrap my arms around them. Juniper sits beside me, looking out the window at the snow-frosted trees in the Mistwood. Her little ears perk up, and she turns to look at the stairwell.
“Someone’s coming,” she says.
Great. Just what I need: another student seeing the volatile Lyra Wilder pouting around, probably thinking about what she’s going to burn down next.
“Lyra?” comes a familiar voice.
I sit up a little bit. A moment later, a blue head appears as Alina climbs the stairs. I tense up, waiting to see Raelan walking right behind her, but he’s not there.
Alina comes to stand next to me where I’m sitting in the window. She props one hand on her hip and arches a frosty brow. “I thought I’d find you here. Hi, Juniper.”
Juniper squeaks out a small greeting.
“Where’s Raelan?” I ask.
“He and Yuki are out playing in the snow.” Her lips pull up a bit on one side. “I figured you’d be more willing to talk if Raelan wasn’t here, so I sent him away for a bit.”
A short laugh slips out of me. “I’m surprised he allowed that.”
Her expression softens. “Raelan knows you’re upset. He cares about you too.” Alina settles herself into the window near my feet, leaning back and turning her gaze to the frosted woods outside. “So, are you ready to talk about it?”
I cross my arms. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
Alina flicks her gaze at me. “Why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Act like I don’t know you, like you can hide your feelings from me.
You can’t, you know. You wear everything on your sleeve, even if you pretend like you don’t.
And I know you’re sad and mad about something.
Please tell me what it is.” She reaches out and puts a hand on my knee.
Her sky-blue eyes hold my gaze, imploring, begging.
“You could just order me to tell you, Princess,” I grumble.
Alina smiles. “I could. But you still wouldn’t listen to me.”
My shoulders rise and fall with a sigh. “That’s true.”
“She’s worried about you,” Juniper says from beside me. She crawls up into my lap, then up to perch on my knee so she can look me right in the eye. “Alina’s your friend. It’s okay to let her in.”
Now both Alina and Juniper are staring at me. Looks like there’ll be no worming my way out of this one.
“Fine,” I grumble, then let out a whooshing sigh. Juniper squeaks approvingly and jumps off my knee to go look out the window again. I focus on Alina. “I found out Cairn applied for a job at the conservatory.”
Alina tips her head. “You mean the Columbine Conservatory? In Wysteria?”
I nod.
“It’s beautiful there. My father and I used to go every year when I was young.” She smiles like she’s reliving a fond memory. Then she asks, “But what’s wrong with that?”
“If he gets the job, he’ll leave.” As emotions rise in my chest, I clutch the sleeves of my sweater in my fists. “And I’m not good with people leaving . . .”
Understanding glistens in Alina’s eyes. Without warning, she leans forward and wraps me in a hug. I go stiff at first—I’ve never been one for physical affection—but she just keeps holding on, and slowly, my body relaxes.
“Him leaving the academy to get a job doesn’t mean he’s leaving you,” she says, her breath rustling my hair. “It just means he’s trying to do something good for himself. And maybe even for you too.”
“How is that good for me?” I ask, resting my head against hers, softening to her arms around me.
Alina squeezes me again, then sits back slowly so she can look into my eyes.
“Because maybe then you can actually be together. You know that so long as he’s here, you can’t be seen publicly together—at least, not romantically.
” Alina finds one of my hands and takes it in hers, unwrapping my tight fist so she can hold my fingers.
“That’s not a real relationship, having to hide how you feel about each other.
But if he’s no longer working here . . .
” She gives my fingers a gentle squeeze.
“Then maybe you can create something real. Something that’ll last.”
Something that’ll last.
I think, in some ways, I’ve been looking for that since my mother left. She taught me that even the things that are supposed to be there forever can walk out the door at any moment, can choose to leave you behind in search of something bigger and better—or just different.
And this job at the conservatory, it feels bigger and better. Of course Cairn would want something like that. But will he still want me? That I’m not so sure about.
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” I say, pulling my hand from Alina’s and turning to look out at the snow clinging to the tops of the pine trees.
Alina goes quiet for a while. Maybe she’s mad at me. I’ve never been good at friendships. I’ve never been good at any sort of relationship, except with Papa and Juniper.
But then she just says, “Raelan and I are going to spend part of the holiday at that little cottage—you know, the one I told you about?”
“The one you found together after that mess with Tristan?”
In my periphery, she wrinkles her nose, maybe remembering that evening and the events that followed. “He’ll be getting out of prison soon,” she says. “Warren, I mean.”
Warren, right. I forget sometimes that Tristan wasn’t even his real name. The Veiled Hand like to be secretive that way.
“I think they should just leave him there,” I grumble. “Let him turn to dust.”
She shakes her head at me and lets out a sigh.
“He was helpful. He led Grandfather to the real culprit behind all that. So now the person responsible can face justice.” Her fingers curl into fists in her lap, and her eyes narrow as she stares out the window at the snow-tipped trees.
“If something had happened to Raelan,” she whispers, “I don’t know what I’d have done. ”
I don’t think any of us like reliving that night, but Alina likes it least of all.
“You okay?” I say after an extended silence.
She shakes her head a bit and blinks the faraway look from her eyes. “Yeah, I’m fine. What was I saying before?”
“You’re going to the cottage.”
“Oh, right.” She smiles while tucking a strand of blue hair behind her ear. “You’re welcome to join us. You can come stay if you’d like. The forest is so peaceful, especially in the snow.”
My shoulders rise and fall with a shrug. “I don’t know.”
What I really want is to see my dad, to wake up in my bed and to smell the terrible coffee he brews before going out to work in his woodshop. I want to be somewhere that doesn’t feel like it could change at any moment. Somewhere that I feel I can depend on.
The air around me grows colder, and when I look over at Alina, her lips are pulled down. I think I hurt her feelings without meaning to.
“It’s not that I don’t want to visit,” I explain. “I really just want to see Papa. It feels like it’s been forever since I was home.”
The chill in the air from Alina’s frost magic disperses. She nods. “I understand.” She squeezes my knee, then stands up. “Just know that you’re always welcome. And I’m sure Raelan would love to give you a bucket and watch you mop the floors.”
This makes me smile, and it feels good. “That dragon can scrub his own floors, thank you very much. If I visit, it’ll be to do absolutely nothing.”
“Sounds like a good way to spend the holiday.” Alina gives me a real smile, then lifts a hand. “All right, I’ll go. But don’t be late for dinner. They’re serving apple pie for dessert tonight. Yuki already tried to sneak in and steal some.”
My stomach grumbles at the thought.
“I won’t. I’ll be back soon.”
Alina descends the stairs, and once she’s gone, I resume staring out the window. The snow is starting up again, falling from the gray sky in a slow, silent dance.
“Come on,” Juniper says from beside me. She tugs the sleeve of my sweater with her tiny paws. “Let’s go get some apple pie. That always makes you feel better.”
I glance down at her, and she’s staring up at me, whiskers twitching.
I don’t think pie is going to fix this. I think Cairn is the only one who can make me feel better.
But I don’t tell Juniper that. Instead, I scoop her up and kiss the top of her warm brown head, feeling comforted by her familiar smell. “All right, let’s go. It feels like a dessert-before-dinner night anyway.”
Juniper climbs onto my shoulder and tucks herself under my hair. “Exactly what I was thinking.”
I push up from the window seat, but my eyes are drawn once more to the snow flurrying outside the window.
Everything Alina said about me and Cairn is true. So, then, why didn’t it make me feel better? And why does the thought of Cairn leaving still make me feel hollow inside?
As I start down the stairs, I’m left wondering if I’m meant to be alone. If the people I love are destined by fate to leave me.