Chapter Four
Damon and Elliot had gotten into fights before. When they were younger, it was usually because Damon didn’t understand why Elliot insisted on doing things a certain way. Damon’s mom had to explain to him that some people were extra sensitive.
That the things Damon loved about Elliot—his kindness and understanding, his quiet reassuring presence—those things came from that sensitivity.
Elliot always knew Damon’s feelings without Damon ever having to explain them. He was the calming presence that held Damon as he broke down when his dad died. Damon wouldn’t have gotten through that time without him.
But that sensitivity meant Elliot usually avoided conflict. He let the things that bothered him fester under the surface until he exploded and it ended up in a huge fight that Damon didn’t see coming.
Damon knew this. He tried to be better. Tried to be more sensitive, like his best friend.
But he never really mastered that preternatural way Elliot just knew things about him. About when he was scared or sad. When he needed space or needed comfort. When he was about to do something stupid and needed to be talked out of jumping off swings or roofs.
Damon could see that every fight they’d had in the last four years had been because Damon was pushing Elliot to date or trying to set him up.
It made sense now why Elliot had shut down when Damon told him about going to prom with Chelsea.
Why his shoulders had hunched and he wouldn’t meet Damon’s eye as he explained how Elliot and Madison could go together to the dance.
Elliot wasn’t jealous of Damon at all. He was sick of Damon pressuring him into being someone he wasn’t.
Damon rubbed his eyes. It made him sick to remember everything he’d said to him. The hours and hours he went on, trying to coach him on how to talk to girls or how they liked to be kissed or touched. It never occurred to him that Elliot might be gay. Damon thought he was just shy and needed advice.
God, he was such a dick.
Everyone in school knew, or assumed, that Elliot was gay, but Damon didn’t see it. Didn’t know his best friend at all.
Elliot was his everything, and he kept this from Damon, which meant Damon wasn’t as important to Elliot as Elliot was to him.
It’d been a week since he’d hauled Elliot into the restrooms and basically forced him to come out.
Damon tried, multiple times, to type out an apology text, but everything sounded stupid.
He scrolled through their text thread. The last message was ten days ago.
Elliot reminding him that Damon’s mom’s birthday was this week.
Or last week. Which Damon had forgotten anyway because he was a terrible person.
Elliot probably would have reminded him again on the day of if they weren’t still fighting.
He deleted his pathetic I’m sorry text and left his phone in his bedroom. He went down the stairs and into the kitchen to deliver the other apology he owed.
“Hey, Momma?”
“Hmm?” his mom said, stirring something in a pot.
“Can I help you with dinner?”
She looked up and smiled. “Sure, baby. That’d be great. You want to get stuff out for the salad? Cut up the veggies?”
Damon opened the fridge. “Uh, so,” he started, grabbing the veggies. “I’m really sorry I forgot to say happy birthday the other day. I suck.”
His mom laughed. “It’s okay, hun. I know you have a lot on your mind with semifinals coming up.”
He deposited all the vegetables on the counter and went to his mom, hugging her from behind. “Still. I’m sorry, Momma. Happy late birthday.”
She patted his hand. “Thank you, Damon.”
“Should we go out to eat or something this weekend? My treat?”
Turning to him, she smiled and said, “Yeah, that’d be nice.”
“We could go to the restaurant you and Dad always went to.”
“I think I’d like that.”
Damon grabbed a knife and started cutting the vegetables. It’d taken years for them to finally be able to talk about his dad without tears.
The night of the car crash was the worst of his life. It’d been after Elliot and Damon’s sixth-grade graduation. Damon’s parents had taken them both to a gaming arcade to celebrate. A drunk driver swerved into their lane.
His mom had a broken pelvis and almost lost her ability to walk. Damon and Elliot got away with nothing but a couple cuts, even though Elliot had been on the driver’s side in the backseat. No one understood how he hadn’t died. That side of the car was completely smashed in.
No one understood a lot about that day. Like how Elliot, at twelve years old, had been able to get Damon’s dad out of the totaled car.
The image of the paramedics carrying a kicking-and-screaming Elliot away from Damon’s dad’s body was seared into his brain. Elliot kept fighting them and shouting about how he could save him, how he could fix him.
All Damon did was stand there. He didn’t even try to help. He didn’t even check on his mom.
Elliot had been the one to shake him out of it. He’d wrapped his arms around Damon and apologized over and over. It’d made Damon feel so guilty that, in that moment, he was capable of feeling okay. That he felt better because his best friend was holding him.
How could anyone feel okay standing only a couple of feet away from their dead father?
But Elliot always made Damon feel better. No matter what was happening.
A broken arm.
A broken heart.
Elliot could always fix it, or at least, make it easier to bear.
“We can invite Elliot too,” Damon’s mom said. “I haven’t seen him around in a few days?”
It was her subtle way of saying she knew he was moping around.
“We got into a fight.”
“About what?”
Damon sighed, cutting the tomato with a gentle hand. Was he supposed to keep it a secret? Had Elliot told his parents?
Damon worried his lip. “I found out a secret he’d been keeping from me. Kinda forced him to tell me. I don’t think I reacted the right way, and I don’t know how to apologize for forcing him to tell me when I feel like crap that he didn’t tell me in the first place.”
His mom made a humming noise. “Elliot is a private person,” she said. “Remember how it took him two years before he could answer a question at the dinner table without blushing and stuttering?”
Damon smiled. He’d forgotten about that. Elliot had been so nervous around his parents. Around any authority figure really. He hated the first day of school because he didn’t know how the teacher would expect him to behave.
“I thought that I was different,” Damon said. “I thought we didn’t keep secrets from each other.”
Damon’s mom turned off the stove and put a hand on his arm. “I’m sure he wished he could tell you but was scared. Whatever it was, it was probably hard for him to talk about.”
After they finished having dinner, Damon tried again to type out an apology, but he quickly gave up.
It was probably better if he did it in person, anyway.
Chelsea mentioned at lunch that she’d talked to Elliot about asking Madison to prom. Damon had hummed distractedly at first, and then tried to grill her about what else she talked about with him.
She’d gone into great detail about the plan she’d made for Elliot’s prom-posal. Damon spaced out when he realized she wasn’t going to tell him anything Elliot had said.
He probably should have paid more attention to Chelsea’s prom-posal plan so he wouldn’t have been so surprised by the scene he stumbled upon as he turned the corner of the hall.
A crowd gathered around Madison’s locker. There were origami hearts taped to the outside. She plucked an envelope off the locker and cleared her throat, loud enough that everyone in the hall could hear her.
“Madison,” she read. “Your beauty distracted me all through our lesson on differential equations, but I won’t be upset that you got a better grade than me on our last exam if you go to prom with me?”
Damon rolled his eyes. Elliot most certainly didn’t get distracted by Madison’s beauty. Sure, Madison was pretty, but even if he hadn’t known Elliot wasn’t into girls, he’d know that this was fake because Elliot didn’t get distracted in class.
He never, ever, let anyone or anything come between him and a good grade.
If Madison did get a better grade than he did on his last exam, it was probably the day after Damon stole Elliot’s keys and convinced him to stay over instead of studying.
Now that Damon thought about it, maybe Elliot was better off without him.
The crowd parted, and Elliot stood, smiling and leaning near the vestibule with the water fountains.
He was wearing his usual jeans and beat-up sneakers, but had on a tight red t-shirt that Damon had never seen him wear before. It emphasized his lean frame and gave him a more styled and put-together look. He’d also gotten a haircut so his long blonde hair didn’t cover his blue eyes.
He looked good. Really good. Damon didn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to date Elliot. Why he only fucked around with guys. Why anyone wouldn’t want to shout to the world that this sweet, kind, cute guy was his—
“Yes, I’ll go to prom with you!” Madison screamed louder than necessary. She ran over with her arms wide. Elliot met her halfway and pulled her in close. He hugged her and spun her around, smiling like he…actually liked her or something.
Why was Elliot even asking her to prom? He was only supposed to go with Madison so he could hang out with Damon. It was supposed to be their last senior-year hurrah. They were going to sneak in a flask and have a good time together.
Damon didn’t even want to go to prom anymore. It wouldn’t be fun without Elliot.
The crowd was still clapping for the happy couple.
Madison grabbed both sides of Elliot’s face and kissed him.
Damon expected him to freeze up or push her away, but instead, he didn’t hesitate to kiss her back.
The crowd’s clapping turned into whistling.
Damon clenched his hands into fists. His chest burned. He wanted to punch something, and he had no idea why.