Chapter 13
OLIVER
Istill find it strange that Aaron’s friends have slotted me into their group so easily.
They have so much history together that I can’t compete.
There are so many inside jokes, references to people they know, and meaningful looks that go around.
Sometimes I feel like I’m intruding on some intimate affair, one I can’t quite find my place in.
For better or worse, Matthias’s backyard gives me very little room to hide.
Instead, I’m sitting in a circle, listening to Tyler and his newish boyfriend Graham regale us with stories of their camping trip.
Honestly, it sounds terrible. I’d rather be curled up indoors with a good book.
Despite my family’s insistence that playing sports would help me build character, I never took to any of them.
Especially anything that included braving the elements.
Heat, cold, wind, rain. I hate them all.
The only thing I managed to stick with long-term was Judo.
Poorly, but I did attend classes for ten years.
Not that it made much of a difference.
At least now I’m not the only outsider. Colt is firmly part of the group, never far from Nathan, and now Graham is becoming a fixture as well. It makes me feel a little less alone, not to be the only odd person out, even if I’m the only odd person out who’s not a significant other.
Being the secret friend-with-benefits of someone doesn’t exactly come with the same privileges. Instead, I’m stuck in my own category, trying to figure out where I belong.
It’s not a complaint so much as a nagging feeling that won’t go away. Aaron and I have been friends-with-benefits for a month. So far, it’s the same as our relationship was previously, but with the addition of sex. Lots and lots of great sex.
The problem is that after we run, crochet, and fall into bed together, he leaves. It’s then that the sinking sensation comes back to me. My spending on anti-nausea medication has skyrocketed over the last month as I try to ward off my feelings. There’s not much I can do about it.
Just like before, I agreed to this arrangement. Having some of Aaron is better than none. At least that’s what I tell myself. So what am I supposed to do?
I know what Jane wants me to do. She told me to sit him down and tell him exactly what I want from him.
She’s sure he’ll say yes because he won’t want to lose me.
I’m a bit more skeptical. I think he’ll get up, put his running shoes on, and get away from me so fast that a puff of cartoon smoke will follow him all the way to the other side of town.
As soon as the group conversation shifts to sports, I tune out.
Not only am I bad at playing them, but I’ve never gotten into watching them either.
Half my family are die-hard football fans, gathered around the TV anytime a game is on, screaming and yelling.
Honestly, I’m not even sure if they’re cheering for the same team.
All I know is that it’s the perfect time to sneak away to spend a few minutes alone.
“I’m going to grab another beer. You want anything?
” I ask Aaron. I don’t need another drink, but stretching my legs and clearing my head sounds like a good idea.
It also gets me out of pretending to know anything about the current team.
Or even what season it is. Football, maybe? They do that in the fall, right?
“Sure. Thanks.” He gives me a soft smile, the one that always melts my heart and breaks it at the same time. It’s probably a good night to review the list of reasons why we can’t be in a relationship. However, it’s getting harder to agree to many of them.
Colt and Nathan are so in love it’s disgusting. Neither of them shows any signs of caring if I’m around. I doubt they’d care if Aaron and I were together. Or when the official start date of the relationship occurred.
I head up to the tiny porch, where the oversized cooler sits.
I spot what I want on top, but spend a little time looking around to buy myself a few minutes.
It’s hard to watch the couples together, holding hands and sharing looks, knowing I can’t do the same.
It’s not exactly FWB behavior—especially secret FWBs.
“Hey.” Tyler startles me as he reaches around to pull a few cans of dark beer from the cooler. It sounds incredible, but I saw the ABV listed on the front. One of those would have me flat on my back. I settle on wheat beers for myself and Aaron. They’re what we’ve been drinking so far.
“Hey, Tyler. What’s new?” Talking one-on-one with the guys is still a little weird. They don’t feel like my friends, and every conversation seems like an interrogation.
“I went camping for the first time and didn’t get eaten by a bear.”
Holy fuck. When they were telling the story, I didn’t even consider there might be bears around. He’s lucky it was only a bee that attacked him. Judging by Graham’s face during that story, the bear might have been preferable.
“Shit, I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t think there are even bears around here.”
“That’s good, I guess. I’m not really the outdoorsy type.” The understatement of the century. Since I started running, I’ve nearly quadrupled the amount of time I spend outdoors.
“What’s new with you? It’s been a while.”
This kind of small talk always makes my head hurt.
I’ve never figured out when someone’s asking for information and when they’re being polite.
Too often, I wind up offering a bunch of details no one asks for.
“Oh, you know, work and stuff. It’s been busy.
” Honestly, it’s always busy, but rarely in a bad way.
I’ve got a system for making sure I don’t get overwhelmed.
It helps that Haskell and I have been working together for a long time.
I’ve got a good sense of when some things can be dropped or pushed out and what has to be done on time.
Of course, he’s often late, so I end up rushing. It’s a good flow, though, and sometimes gives me an extra day to recover before things get busy again. It works for the two of us, which is all that really matters.
Tyler nods, knowingly. “Hopefully, it calms down soon. We like having you at these.” He gives me a grin that looks genuine, though I’m not the best judge of those things. Tyler’s probably the biggest enigma in the group. I can’t get a good read on him. At least not in a meaningful way.
“You’re all great. I’m not really sure I fit in, though.” I wave in the general direction of the group. They’re engaged in a heated discussion about which teams will make the playoffs this year. They’ve tossed around a lot of names. A few I even recognize.
“Because you don’t know about sports?” I nod. “Fuck that. I don’t know what they’re talking about, either. Eventually, they’ll wear themselves out on the topic and go back to more sane discussions.”
I’m not so sure about that. Thanks to my family, I’ve gotten good at figuring out when people are winding up for a long debate. For all I know, this will be the rest of the day. I don’t say any of that; instead, I smile at Tyler. It must satisfy him as he turns and heads back to join the group.
Following after him, I retake my seat on one of the lawn chairs, handing a beer over to Aaron. Even sitting next to him, a foot of space between us, I feel more settled. He leans over, turning his head so the others can’t see his mouth. “Thanks. I’ll make this up to you later.”
There’s a hint of something in his voice that makes my cheeks heat. God, I’ve been hoping we’d end up at my place tonight, naked and wound around each other. It’s not a given on days like this, but I’m desperate to keep making progress on my checklist of things I want to do with Aaron.
Secret checklist, of course.
“Yeah?” I whisper back.
“We’ll leave soon,” Aaron promises. I hope he’s serious.
This conversation isn’t dying down anytime soon, and watching Tyler snuggle up on Graham’s lap while Nathan and Colt shoot each other lustful looks is tearing me apart.
Not because I’m not happy for them—I am—but because I’m dying to touch Aaron in public.
Not even something like kissing him, but being allowed to hold his hand or to run my hand along the edge of his face.
I don’t even know how Aaron feels about PDA.
I know we can’t because of the whole sleeping together in secret thing, but what about if we weren’t?
Would he let me steal kisses between stories?
It’s easy to let my mind wander away from whatever the guys are talking about to a vision of that.
It can’t go too far because hiding an erection from his friends sounds like a nightmare.
“Oliver?” Aaron looks down at me, and I shake off my daze. “Did you want to head out with me?” He stresses the last syllable, as if I need any help figuring out what he’s been hinting at.
AARON
Oliver is a million miles away on the walk to my car.
I stop myself from inquiring several times, wanting to make sure we’re away from my nosey friends.
They have a habit of popping up at the least expected times.
Something tells me that I’m at least part of Oliver’s problem, and I’d rather hear about it where my friends aren’t privy to our details.
Especially since they don’t know that Oliver and I have been sleeping together.
I hate that term. I’ve been rolling a bunch of options around in my mind for the past week, trying to figure out what to call us. So far, every option has been worse than the last.
Friends-with-benefits? Weird, and sounds like I’m using him for money or something.
That leaves the crass options of things like fuck buddy. I even asked the internet, but it only suggested options like pleasure pal.
Gross. There’s no way I’m calling anyone that—ever—but especially not Oliver. He’s far too sweet and means too much to me to turn our relationship into something like that.