Chapter 13 #2
“That’s not fair. I did fight.” Emotion made her voice waver, stiffened her posture, her hands fisting at her sides. “I fought for an entire year. I fought until I became convinced I had no allies and no place in the hallowed halls of Greystone Manor.”
“No place? That’s ridiculous. You were my wife, the Viscountess. The rightful lady of Greystone—”
“No, I was not.” Her laugh was bitter, strangled. “How could I be, when there are already two other ladies there occupying the position and unwilling to give up their place? Especially to someone they considered unworthy and beneath their station.”
Nathaniel blinked, his brow furrowing. “They never said—”
“No. They never said anything outright.” Her voice trembled now, thick with remembered hurt.
“It was subtle. A thousand tiny cuts. Your mother’s cutting and condescending words.
They’d offer kindness only to twist it into humiliation.
Making me feel like the lowest, most incapable creature.
Making me question if I was imagining things.
And then they’d act so sweet I doubted myself.
Can you imagine that, Nathaniel? Me, doubting my own instincts?
Me, the agent who is supposed to be the expert at reading people, who could sniff out a lie in a heartbeat, couldn’t tell if they were sincere and I was being oversensitive, or if they really despised me.
I began wondering if it was my fault that I never felt welcome, that I just wasn’t good enough, not refined enough to be your wife. To be the viscountess.
He shook his head slowly. “Of course you are good enough! You are the most extraordinary woman I know, Alice.”
“Even the servants saw it. They’d glance at your mother for approval before obeying my instructions.
I was nobody.” She sighed, hanging her head in defeat.
“But you know, I can’t even blame you for not understanding.
It is difficult to see if you haven’t lived it. I doubted myself for an entire year.’
“If my mother and sister-in-law were being difficult, it was probably because they were grieving. They had lost a son and a husband, respectively. Their places in the family were changing as well. It was a difficult time for everyone. I’m sure they didn’t mean to make you feel that way.”
“I know they were mourning, Nathaniel. I’m not an insensitive monster.
I made many allowances for their grief. Offered them plenty of grace because of that.
I even understood they might have felt threatened by me taking over, and I reassured them I never intended to displace them.
I wanted to befriend them. Learn from them.
Mourn with them. Be a part of the family. But they never allowed me in.”
“I didn’t know it was so bad. I swear to you, Alice. I thought you had everything in hand. You’ve always been so capable…”
“Capable?” She gave a small, humorless laugh. “I was. As an agent. Out there in the field, yes. But in that house…” She shook her head. “I became an imbecile. And you—”
“I was not paying attention.” His voice was low now, full of remorse.
“That first year was difficult. I had inherited a ton of responsibilities I never wanted and was wholly unprepared for, so I had much to learn myself. Do you think it was easy for me? My entire life was upended as well, and I was scrambling to adapt.”
Her eyes stung. “I know you were struggling as well. But you never turned to me for support. We weren’t a team anymore. I endured it for a year. A whole year. Until the dinner party disaster.”
He sighed. “Alice, that was not that big of a deal. So things didn’t go as planned. There would be many others in the future when you could prove yourself. That was not a good enough reason to leave me!”
“You think that’s why I left? Because I couldn’t handle the humiliation of a failed dinner party?
Oh, Nathaniel, you still don’t understand, do you?
They offered to help with it, and I believed them.
Welcomed their help, in fact. I thought it was the perfect opportunity for us to work together and bond as a family.
” She drew in a shaky breath. “But they sabotaged me.”
“It could have been a mistake. These things happen. I know as agents we are trained to always see foul play. But there’s no need to be suspicious within the family.”
“Give me some credit. I’m not that paranoid. I overheard them laughing about it the next day—mocking me. That wasn’t grief, Nathaniel. It was spite. Cruelty. And when I told you about it. Do you remember what you said?”
His face darkened, mouth tightening into a grim line. “I told you that you were too distraught. That you probably misunderstood what you overheard. That you had made a good effort for your first time and not to worry because next time would be better.”
She nodded. “That’s when I realized I was on my own. That house wasn’t my home—it was a viper’s nest. And you…” She swallowed hard. “You didn’t believe me. You basically said I was imagining things and that I just needed to try harder.”
“I…may have been wrong,” he said quietly, his shoulders slumping. “Maybe I should’ve listened. You should have made me listen.”
Tears threatened. She blinked them away, keeping her voice steady. “I left because I couldn’t stay. Because I was losing not just you but myself. I thought you’d follow me. Demand an explanation. Fight for me. But you didn’t.”
“I thought you didn’t want me to,” he admitted. “And you didn’t exactly wait long before moving on with your life. Replacing me.”
She stiffened. “What are you talking about? I never replaced you.”
His eyes searched hers, a muscle ticking in his jaw. “Didn’t you?”
“No.” Her voice was fierce now. “There’s never been anyone else.”
For a long moment, silence stretched between them. His gaze bore into her, conflicted, haunted, as if trying to read her mind.
Finally, Nathaniel exhaled a shaky breath and rubbed a hand over his jaw. “If…if there was—if you turned to someone else out of anger, or loneliness, or disappointment because I failed you…you can tell me.”
“Nathaniel, I’ve never—”
He held out a hand, palm out, stopping her words. “I think I could forgive that. But I need you to be honest with me, Alice.”
Alice’s heart slammed painfully against her ribs. Nathaniel thought she had betrayed him? That she needed forgiveness? He had understood nothing. He still wasn’t listening. Still didn’t believe her.
“I have been honest with you. I’ve always told you the truth. But I can’t make you believe me, can I? Why are you even here if you think I betrayed you?”
He didn’t know her at all if he thought her capable of committing adultery. Why would he still want her if that were the case? Oh, wasn’t he the understanding husband, forgiving his wife’s indiscretions and taking her worthless self back?
He stepped closer, close enough that she could feel the heat of his body. His eyes were dark, intent, filled with a hunger that wasn’t purely physical.
“I don’t want to argue anymore. Not today.” His hand cupped her cheek, thumb brushing away a tear she hadn’t realized had fallen. He might not want to argue, but he had not changed his mind. She could see that. A layer of reserve separated them, almost like an invisible veil.
“Let’s eat. Then we need to visit Dalton and apprise him of all the events of the night. We will talk about us later. And we’ll figure out what comes next. Together.”
She nodded silently, too choked to speak. At this point, she had no faith they could figure anything out. Much less be together.