Chapter 21
Coming to Wilton Towers with John had been a mistake. Whatever she had hoped to find here, she certainly hadn’t found it.
The old marquess had looked at her without an ounce of recognition or affection. Upon being introduced by John, his sunken eyes had turned sharp, examined her more thoroughly, but the only thing he said to her was.
“Ah! You look like your mother.”
Then dismissed her completely, turning to John.
“Ardmore, you should be more discerning about the type of company you keep.”
“Father!” John had protested, but the marquess lifted a hand.
Even weak and wasting away, lying in a stuffy bed in a darkened and malodorous bedchamber, the man still managed to look commanding.
“Off with you. I need to rest. I’ll see you later, Ardmore.”
The implication that he only wished to see Ardmore later was so clear that he might as well have added the word ‘alone’ at the end of his sentence.
No matter. Alice told herself. She was used to the slights. To not belonging anywhere. It was exactly what she had expected. Then why did it still hurt?
She hurried from the room before tears could humiliate her further. John was close on her heels.
“I’m sorry, Alice. I shouldn’t have put you through that.”
“Don’t worry about it. It was not your fault.”
“I don’t know what I had expected from him.
Maybe more acceptance. Some self-reflection as he approaches his end.
Foolish of me, I know. If it’s any consolation, he’s equally despotic with everyone.
Abigail didn’t fare any better. It’s no coincidence that she’s not here.
I only received more of his attention because I’m the heir. ”
“I can’t imagine that being the focus of his attention was any better.”
“It wasn’t.” A shadow passed through John’s eyes, but then he came to her and grabbed both her hands in his, squeezed them earnestly.
“I regret inflicting him upon you like that, but I don’t regret introducing you to him.
I want Father to know that I met you, that I care about you, and intend to do right by you. ”
Alice shook her head, moved, but not wanting to cause a rift between John and his father. “That’s not necessary, John. Truly, I appreciate the gesture, but I’m a grown woman. I can take care of myself.”
“I know you can. You are the most capable, independent, and resourceful woman I know. But you have been alone for too long. It’s about time you had someone to rely upon. Someone to take care of you. Everybody needs somebody, Alice.”
And well she knew that. John was a good, honorable, and caring man. She didn’t know how he had come by those qualities, having grown up with a father like Lord Langford. It must be in his nature, for he had always accepted her wholeheartedly.
Only with Nathaniel had she ever found that kind of acceptance.
More than that, he had loved her for all that she was.
She had never felt like she belonged so much as when she was with him.
Once, she had believed to have found her home, her place in the world, in his arms. But it hadn’t lasted, had it?
Soon her flaws and deficiencies had surfaced, and she had proven unequal to the challenge.
Maybe that was her destiny. Always straddling two worlds, not belonging anywhere. Not wanted in either one. Those who tried to get her accepted were bound to be disappointed.
“I think I’d better return to London. I have unfinished business in town.”
“Oh? Are you working on something?” John asked with interest, and she could have kicked herself for speaking out of turn. In trying to come up with an excuse to leave immediately, she had opened herself up for that question. Now she would have to lie or dissemble, and she hated doing that to John.
“Nothing important. Only clerical work, but Dalton wants some reports and verifications completed posthaste.”
John grinned. “You know Dalton; he always wants things done yesterday. Don’t let him run you ragged.”
“I’m not. I would really rather return, John. I…I don’t know why I came. I guess I was searching for something I needed. For some reason, I thought I would find it here, but I didn’t.”
“I understand.”
The way he looked at her, eyes somber, gaze direct, made her believe that he really did.
But how could he? He was the heir to a marquisate.
A respected aristocrat. He knew his worth, his place in the world.
She, on the other hand, was still figuring out who she was.
Who she wanted to be. She knew she was a good agent.
Was that all she could be? She needed more.
Especially of late. After reuniting with Nathaniel, she had begun dreaming again.
Had started to believe in the possibilities.
“If I leave now, I can catch the last train back to London.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“No! You need to stay here. Talk to your father and don’t antagonize him. Especially not over me. It’s not worth it, and you may be left with regrets.”
“At least let me accompany you to the train station. I’ll see you safely on your way.”
An hour later, she was back on the train, racing back to London.
And, she hoped, to Nathaniel. Would he have returned from his country estate in her absence?
What would he think upon finding her gone?
But she had only been gone for two days.
One night. After a full week away, it would be the height of irony that he would return on the one night she spent away.
She arrived home at sunset. It was a good thing that John’s estate was not terribly far from London.
No more than a couple of hours by train.
In the first-class seat John had insisted on buying for her, the trip had been fast and comfortable.
Nathaniel’s estate was a bit farther. About six or seven hours by train.
If he wasn’t yet in London, maybe she could make the trip to see him.
Or not. She should probably wait until he returned.
In the meantime, she had lots of work to do.
They had both neglected the mission for long enough.
She should continue to go through the widow’s papers.
Nathaniel had promised to keep working on the cipher while he was away, but if he was dealing with problems at his estate, he might not have had much time to worry about the mission.
Another reminder of how his priorities had shifted.
How he was no longer an agent first. Before, Nathaniel would have never abandoned a mission—abandoned her in the middle of a mission—to go solve a problem at his estate.
But then, before, he hadn’t had an estate.
She knew it wasn’t his fault, and that he hadn’t asked for the extra responsibilities.
But the reality was that he was now Lord Greystone.
This was now his life. He was a lord first, an agent second.
And she? What place did she occupy in his list of priorities now?
She used to believe she was number one, just as he was for her.
She was not sure of that anymore. Regardless, she was resolved to tell him everything.
She should have told him from the start.
It was past time they talked openly, but it never seemed to be a good time.
Before, there had never been secrets between them.
If they wanted to forge a true and lasting union, it couldn’t be different this time.
She pushed open the door to their library, opened the safe, and retrieved the papers she had been perusing before John showed up.
A sense of renewed purpose compelled her as she looked again at the documents with fresh eyes, a driving need to make progress.
Some instinct was telling her they had wasted enough time. And time was running out.