Chapter 27 #3
“Yes, that is right. You learned. You improved. You flourished, Nathaniel.” She pulled the sheet up, wrapping it more tightly around herself.
“Once I left. Without me. Don’t you see I’m the one who doesn’t belong in the picture?
I’m the one who dragged you down the first time. And I will do so again.”
“That’s a fallacy if ever there was one. You didn’t hinder me. We were both new at the roles that had been thrust upon us. I didn’t know how to manage. But we know better this time. We can learn from our past mistakes.”
He raised his hand to brush his fingers over the slope of her shoulder. Down her arm. His voice was even. Persuasive. Reasonable. God, how could he stand there, distractingly naked and not at all self-conscious?
“What I learned is that I don't belong there,” she rasped through a throat that was tightening with pain and want. “You think it will be different this time. I believe that as soon as I move into Greystone Manor the same problems will surface. I will founder like a ship with a cannon hole. Once I’m no longer the capable agent, but instead the incapable viscountess you will be disappointed in me. Oh, you will try to mask it, but I’ll feel it.
The slow withdrawal. The polite indifference.
The extinguishing of the fire and passion and excitement.
And I will try, I will die trying to be what you want.
The kind of woman who holds your attention and your love, but in the end, it will all be in vain,”
“Enough!” He shot up from the bed, swinging his hand in a wide arc in front of him as if to slash her argument.
“You are not only misjudging yourself, but misjudging me as well. I was never disappointed in you. You have held my attention, and my heart, from the moment I met you, over ten years ago. Whatever I’ve attained as a viscount is not because you left me, it’s been in spite of it.
It would have been a lot easier, or at least I would have been a lot happier if you had stayed.
I absolutely believe we would have figured it out in time.
But you never gave it a chance. You left when things got tough.
” He punctuated his words with an accusatory finger in her direction.
His voice had become louder, angrier, as he spoke.
The accusation shimmered in the air between them. His resentment. His hurt. And he was right this time. It wasn’t like his belief in her adultery, which had proved false. She had abandoned him. Regardless of her reasons, she had jumped ship.
“You are right. I failed you as well. I’m a quitter. A coward. And that’s why I don’t deserve to come back now, to enjoy the fruits of a life I didn’t help you build. This,” She gestured around her to their home, their bedroom, their bed. “This is the only thing I deserve.”
“That was not a recrimination, Alice.. I’m just pointing out that my life was not made easier by you leaving.”
“All the more reason why I don’t deserve it.”
“We can argue about this all day and we will continue to disagree on what you deserve. But in the end, it doesn’t matter, because the bottom line is that I want—no, I need—to share my life with you. We made vows, Alice.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t accept it.” Tears were streaming unchecked down her cheeks. And she swiped at them in annoyance. She didn’t want to cry. She didn’t want to be weak in front of him.
He took a step toward her, but she stopped him with a raised hand.
“It’s a precious gift, one I can’t be trusted to keep safe.
I won’t do that to you. I won’t carry that burden on my conscience.
And besides—my life is here, in London. My work, my purpose.
Everything that makes me who I am is here.
Your duty is to your estate, to your family. And that will always come first.”
“You come first. You are my wife.”
“No, I don’t. I think you have already proven that.”
Something in his face shuttered, hurt hardening into anger. “I think you have it backwards. Maybe it’s you who don’t love me enough to put me first. To embrace this new life.”
Her heart lurched. “It’s not that,” she said quickly. “I love you too much to let our love die a slow, quiet death at your country estate.”
He turned away, raked a hand through his hair.
“And what of children, Alice? What then? Will we raise them apart—me at Greystone, you here in London? Do you even want children?” His voice cracked, and he spun back to her.
“In the past we avoided it, yes—but since we’ve been back together, we haven’t taken precautions.
Even now, you could be carrying my child. ”
Her lips parted, but she had to take a breath before answering. Her arms came instinctively to embrace her middle. “If I am…” Her voice trembled. “If I am, then of course I would return to you. To raise the child properly. To see him or her acknowledged as your heir.”
His eyes cooled, like shutters slamming down. “So you will come back if there’s a child. But not for me?”
She flinched. “Nate, it’s not like that—”
“Isn’t it?”
Her throat closed. What had she meant? What did she want? She wanted Nathaniel. But she didn’t want the title. And unfortunately, now Nathaniel was the title. She couldn’t find the words to untangle the knot of love and fear twisting inside her.
“We can talk about it…at a later time,” she said at last, desperate to escape the intensity of his gaze.
“Right now, we have an appointment with Dalton. We’re close to finding this mysterious Lord A.
If we give him our description, it will narrow the suspects.
We should keep our energy on the mission.
After it’s done, we can talk. And by then…
” She trailed off, and her hand inevitably went to her stomach.
“We might know if there’s reason for concern. ”
His breath came hard and uneven. For a long moment, he said nothing, as though he would refuse. Then his features smoothed out, hiding his feelings behind an impassive mask.
“Very well.” His voice was smooth. Measured. Where had all the emotion from just a moment ago gone? “It will be as you wish.”
She blinked. What did he mean by that? Had he just agreed to let her go? He wouldn’t even fight for her? She had not expected his sudden acquiescence. And wasn’t sure she liked it.
He walked a few steps and bent to retrieve his trousers from where he had tossed them on the floor in the heat of passion.
Her gaze immediately snapped to his sculpted arse.
Were those the imprints of her nails on his flesh?
Heat crept up her face as she realized that yes, the five crescent marks in the shape of a semicircle on the curve of each of his buttocks could be nothing else.
The memory of her hands digging into the muscles of his backside as they made love a second time, him pumping into her slower deeper, brought a fresh wave of heat that expanded from the roots of her hair all the way to her core, causing it to clench on emptiness, suddenly aching for him again.
God, but she was insatiable in her want for this man.
“Are you admiring my arse?” he asked sardonically, looking over his shoulder as he pulled on his trousers. She watched regretfully as his perfectly formed posterior was covered.
“N-no. I mean. Yes, but…” What, Alice? He caught you staring. Practically salivating over him. How are you going to pretend disinterest? “I noticed I may have scratched you. I’m sorry.”
His twisted smile was pure deviltry. Temptation and sin rolled into one.
“Oh, you definitely scored my arse. I can feel it. You should see how yours looks. All pink and sore from my spanking. But you have nothing to be sorry about, love. Every time we move, the burn will remind us of how good it felt when I sank into your hot, wet cunny. How crazed you were, screaming my name. How much you enjoyed having my cock in you that it made you claw my flesh in a frenzy, desperate to hold me against you.”
“Nathaniel! You shouldn’t say such things. I thought we had agreed…”
“We agreed to have a relationship based solely on sex and pleasure, didn’t we? Isn’t that what you offered yesterday?
“I…no. I didn’t mean it like that.” And he didn’t have to take to the idea with such alacrity.
“Oh, but you did. You want me. And I want you, so I’m agreeable. If you don’t want to be my wife, I’ll treat you like my mistress, and I’m going to fuck you so often, and so thoroughly, that my back and arse are going to be scored raw…almost as raw as your pussy when I’m done with you.”
“Nathaniel!”
Good God, what had come over him? This went beyond his usual wicked tongue. His words were raw, shocking, arousing and…alarming. What was he up to? She knew him enough to distrust his sudden change in mood. She studied him, searching for signs of deceit.
Something hit her in the chest, and she instinctively caught it. Her chemise. Nathaniel had thrown it at her.
“Go on. Get dressed now. As you said, we need to go see Dalton. I’m eager to finish this mission. There are many more pleasurable ways to pass our time.”
She narrowed her eyes at him. He was up to something.
And he must know that she wouldn’t be fooled.
Which meant he didn’t care whether she knew or not.
He was toying with her, and whatever Nathaniel was planning, he was sure of his victory.
Yes, she could tell he wasn’t being entirely sincere.
It didn’t mean she knew what game he was playing. Or how to beat him.