Dearly Beloveds and Betrotheds . . .
With all those holiday weddings in the offing, the volume of mail queries about wedding questions has ratcheted up to an all-time
high. I’m hearing from all members of the wedding party on various topics that bubble up the closer the wedding date is.
To Short-Waisted Bridesmaid Louise: Literally the whole deal about being a bridesmaid is WEARING THE DRESS. Or the suit. Or
the caftan. Or whatever your friend, the Bride, has decided her attendants will wear. If the dress is as unflattering on you
as you describe, you might ask your dear friend, the Bride, if you can wear a cut more comfortable for your body in the same
color. Same color, different dress. Understood? And do so in a voice that says, “I am concerned about your wedding photos,
not my personal preference.” And no to the Doc Martens unless they are white.
To the Conscientious Maid of Honor: You are my hero. I hear your concern about the upcoming toast at the wedding and appreciate being your sounding board for ideas and concepts. I wish every person who plans on giving a toast actually planned the toast they are giving. As opposed to the “drunk and winging it” approach that so many take, to the distress of the Bride and her mother. Is Ten Positions to Try on Your Wedding Night a fun toast idea? It’s not, dear MOH. Even Three Positions is three too many. Double entendres aside, this is a terrible idea. In general, toasts that involve sex, politics, old flames, side pieces, college debauchery, mooning the audience, and references to the Bride’s breasts are NSFW. (Not Safe for Weddings. And yes, I have gotten letters about all these kinds of toasts.) My tips for a can’t-lose toast:
Keep it short
Keep it warm
A few words on why you love the bride or the groom (that don’t include subjects mentioned above)
A few words on why you love the couple (that don’t include subjects mentioned above)
Best wishes for a long and happy marriage.
To Concerned Aunt Nellie: Are you really concerned about your nephew, the Groom? Or are you concerned about you? Because wanting
to do a sit-down with the Bride about the table seating prior to the wedding doesn’t really sound like you’re that worried
about the Groom not liking the table for his family. It sounds like you might not like your table. Now is not the time to
impose your will on the wedding couple. I’m sorry that you had to sit at “the Old People’s Table” at the last family wedding.
But did it ever occur to you that you might be the old people? Get right with that before you go. As a mature guest, be gracious,
be grateful, and be getting out onto that dance floor as soon as the music starts.
To the many beautiful brides that wrote in about this one: You are not the only one who has a mother or a future mother-in-law
who wants to invite a few additional guests now that some of the invited guests have declined. This is classic MOB/MOG behavior.
Shut it down with a simple no. As in, “All the invitations have been sent out. We won’t be sending out any more to anyone.”
Practice this ten times in the mirror in a firm, full voice.
To the Left-Out MOG: Technically, you are not in the bridal party like the Mother of the Bride. That’s the protocol. MOB, yes. MOG, no. The bride has no obligation to include you in any little thing, never mind every little thing. Let her be the Bride and you get to be the wise gracious influence in her life. The good news is that if you behave with love and grace through the wedding planning and on the big day, the chances are much greater you’ll be a part of their lives going forward. But throwing a hissy fit (your words, not mine) to attend the final wedding dress fitting? It’s a tiny slice of the rest of your relationship. Let it go.
To the High and Mighty MOB (my words, not yours): You know who you are. You claim, in very demeaning language, the MOG has
terrible taste and picked a dress that clashes with yours for the wedding. You insist the Bride has been trashing the dress
behind the MOG’s back but won’t tell the MOG to her face. Should you step in? Absolutely not. This isn’t your wedding. You
know that, right? Here’s the truth: After the first ten seconds of the ceremony when the MOG walks down the aisle before the
music starts, no one will pay attention to what she is wearing. (Photoshop can fix the photos.) The Bride is the star of the
day. The rest of you, merely supporting players. Even you, High and Mighty MOB.
Big Kiss & Wedding Bliss,
Your Aunt B