Chapter Thirty-One
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
TONI
For the first time in my life, the last place I want to be is on a mountain.
I had fun.
I cringe every time I think about those words coming out of my mouth. As if making love to Audrey could ever be described as merely “fun.” Life-changing, world-shaking, heartbreaking…all of those words describe being with her two nights ago. A colossal mistake is also a good description. Much nicer than Max’s You are such a fucking idiot comment.
I called Max from the airport at six a.m., which might explain her less than supportive response. “I didn’t think she’d show,” I said.
“How big of a part of you was hoping she would show up and confess her undying love?”
“Just a little,” I mumbled.
“Liar,” Max said, but her voice was kind. “I know you are in love, or think you are, but she’s using you, Toni, and you’re letting her.”
“Maybe I’m using her ,” I said.
“Sure, because that sounds just like you.”
“It’s not like Audrey, either.”
“Hmm. You didn’t tell her you loved her during this magical night of sex, did you?”
“No, I’m not that stupid. I left before she was out of bed. I told her I had fun, and left.”
“I’m proud of you.”
“I’m not. It was awful.”
“No, meaningless sex is exactly what Audrey wants, and you know it.”
“It was not meaningless, and you are not helping.”
“If by ‘not helping’ you mean I’m not feeding into your delusions of one true love and grand gestures of reconciliation, then you’re absolutely right. I’m not helping.”
“I cannot wait until you fall in love and get your heart broken.” I grimaced. “OK, that came out really bad.”
Max laughed. “I know what you mean; when it happens you’re going to be a cold-hearted bitch, just like me. I own it. But I’m not going to be stupid enough to fall in love.”
“Famous last words, Max. Tell me what to do.”
“Nothing. The ball has been in her court since Christmas. Still is.” I heard Max shift around in her bed. When she spoke again her voice was a little muffled. “I think you should go to New Zealand, find a pretty woman who will be more than willing to take your mind off your heartbreak for a night or two.”
I gave some sort of non-committal grunt and told her my plane was boarding.
I purchased Wi-Fi on every leg of the journey, keeping my phone on and available for texts, hoping that maybe, just maybe, Audrey would text me.
She didn’t. Of course she didn’t. But like an idiot, I kept checking anyway, my heart breaking each time there wasn’t a new message.
Now, it’s twenty-eight hours of travel later and I’m waiting in the lobby of the hotel with the local tour operator to meet the trekkers who signed up for a ten-day inn-to-inn hiking tour of the west coast of New Zealand.
“Everyone’s here, right?” I ask Kaia Thomason, the owner of the company I am here to evaluate as a potential partner for Fourteener Trekking.
“We’re missing one. The woman who signed up yesterday.”
“I thought ten hikers was the limit. Do you make exceptions a lot?” I ask. All the potential safety issues that can arise from having too many people on a hike scroll through my mind, and I mentally put a tick in the con list of my evaluation.
“Never,” Kaia says.
“Then why?—”
“I’m here, I’m here! Don’t leave!”
My head jerks around and there’s Audrey, red-faced and out of breath, loaded down with enough camping and hiking gear to last two weeks on a through hike. She’s dressed head to toe in clothes from Fourteener’s upcoming fall line by the looks of it, and her hiking boots are so new the soles squeak when she walks. She has a multicolored bandanna tied around her long neck. Her backpack is top of the line, and is absolutely stuffed with God knows what because she has practically another backpack’s worth of gear hanging off of every possible hook on the outside of the pack.
She looks absolutely ridiculous, and she’s never looked more beautiful.
Everyone is stunned into silence by her appearance, including me. She looks around the group, in a bit of a panic, until her eyes find mine. I’m standing in the back of the room, trying like hell to slow my hammering heart. I don’t think she came all this way to chew me out about leaving her in my bed naked and wrecked and gorgeous with It was fun! but I also wouldn’t be surprised if she did. She smiles and her body sags in relief. For a second, I’m afraid that her gear is going to topple her over. I’m not entirely sure how she got it all on in the first place.
“Here, let me help you.” A man named George hops up and helps Audrey out of her pack and sets it against the wall next to her.
Audrey thanks him, rolls her shoulders a bit, and smiles.
One of the young women in the group who’s been on her phone the entire time raises her hand like we’re in school, and says, “Um, I, like thought that all the gear was included in the price?”
“It is,” Kaia says. “There must have been some miscommunication somewhere along the way.”
Audrey looks confused for a moment, gazing around at her fellow hikers, all of whom are dressed for the welcome dinner we are about to have at a local Māori restaurant, and not for hiking. She must see the grin I’m trying to hold back because I know exactly where the miscommunication came from. My sister.
Audrey grins and shakes her head. “Greta wanted to make sure I was prepared for every situation.”
“I can see that,” I say.
“As far as pranks go, it’s pretty epic. I didn’t know Greta had it in her.” Audrey’s expression turns hesitant, unsure. “Hi,” she says.
“Hi.” I feel like a teenager talking to a girl I’m crushing on at the school dance. “What are you doing here, Audrey? You hate hiking.”
A couple of people in the group gasp, and Audrey chuckles. She looks at them. “It’s true. I hate hiking.” She turns her gaze on me and our eyes lock. Everyone else in the room disappears. “But I love you, Toni Danzig, and I couldn’t let another day go by without telling you.”
My throat is clogged with emotion. I can’t speak; I can barely think. I can still hear, though, and after everyone has gasped in surprise, one of the young women in the group says in a stage whisper, “Oh my God, it’s a grand gesture.”
“What’s a grand gesture?” George asks loudly.
Everyone cracks up, but no one as loudly as Audrey and me. My laughter is nerves, giddiness, hope, all wrapped together.
“Shh, it’s a romance novel thing.”
“Like Outlander ,” George says again. “You love Outlander , Gwen.”
“Shh, George, you’re ruining it,” someone—probably Gwen—says.
Audrey and I are laughing, but we haven’t moved, or taken our eyes off each other. There are two couches, a coffee table, a chair, and ten very invested onlookers between us. I shrug slightly and raise my eyebrows.
Audrey shakes her head and laughs. “In for a penny, in for a pound.”
“Oh, this is so going on TikTok,” the young woman says.
“No, it’s not,” Kaia says. “Let’s head to the restaurant.”
There’s some mild grumbling and good-natured jokes about missing the best part of the Hallmark movie, but Kaia manages to herd them all out of the lobby. “You know where we’re going, yeah?” she asks me.
I nod and tell her I’ll see her there soon.
Finally, Audrey and I are alone.
Audrey closes her eyes, inhales, and exhales. When her eyes open again, there’s a hint of sadness in them. “I am so sorry I hurt you. I wish I could say I didn’t mean to, but I did. It was the only way I knew to protect myself, to push you away so you wouldn’t come back. I’d learned my lesson about not being clear enough, or not being listened to, and didn’t want to make that mistake again.
“But then you didn’t come back, and I wasn’t prepared for the huge gaping hole you left in my life. In my heart. You weren’t there physically, but everywhere I turned something reminded me of you, or someone was talking about you, telling a story, or missing you at the office. No one missed you as much as I did. I missed seeing you sitting on the edge of someone’s desk, giving them your undivided attention, making them laugh, putting a smile on their face. I missed the way you tease Greta and she pretends to get irritated about it. I missed catching you looking at me with those gorgeous eyes of yours, grinning, and sticking your tongue out at me so maybe I wouldn’t see what you were feeling. You are the sweetest, kindest, most selfless woman I’ve ever known and I think I fell in love with you the first night we were together but I was too messed up and too scared and too belligerent to see it. To open up my heart to you. These last two months have shown me what my life is like without you and I hate it. There’s no joy, no passion, no fun, no laughter. So, I flew eight thousand miles, with two thousand dollars’ worth of useless gear, to tell you how much I love you, ask your forgiveness, and hope you’ll give me another chance. And to go hiking with you.”
Audrey has inched her way across the room and stands close enough to me that I can see the smudges of mascara under her eyes. I could pull her into my arms if I wanted to.
I’m searching her face, taking her all in, seeing our future together spool out in front of us. I’m enjoying my fantasy of long walks, and snuggling on the couch, and cooking dinners together, but to Audrey, I’m merely silent.
She swallows. “Toni? Say something. Please.”
I pull her into my arms. Audrey releases a little “oh” of surprise, then settles against me. A perfect fit. She wraps her arms around my neck and grins mischievously.
I cup her jaw and say, “You had me at I’m here .”
* * *