Chapter 9
Hank
Chastity looksuncomfortable using the mandolin, but she’s trying her best to shred the carrots. She keeps contorting her face into various expressions, ranging from tentativeness to concern to triumph. It’s pretty clear Chastity doesn’t cook.
But as I turn the goat cheese in my frying pan, I give her the benefit of the doubt. “Do you cook much?” I ask her.
“No. I want to be the mom who whips up healthy and gourmet meals for my son, but I’m always pressed for time. I have budget constraints too, so usually I just try to get it basic but healthy. Grilled chicken, vegetables, sweet potatoes.”
That sounds healthy, but sad. “I can show you a few tricks and tips to mix it up. It’s all about the seasoning.”
“When did you know you wanted to be a chef?” she asks, flicking an errant carrot off of her finger into the sink.
“I guess around twenty-two. Growing up with my siblings was great, but it seemed like they all had a passion and knew what they wanted to do. I never did, and it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. My sister is a doctor. George is an optometrist. Then of course, there’s Cash. We all knew in high school he had the ability to go pro. Being sandwiched between all of them wasn’t easy. In school, it was like ”Oh, here is the Young kid with the least potential.” I use my spatula to roll the goat cheese. “You heard those kayakers today. They wanted to bring up every dumb thing I’ve ever done. No one ever brings up dumb shit Cash has done.”
“What dumb things has Cash done?”
I grin. “Nothing. He’s the perfect son, the bastard. Though he did knock up an older woman when it was supposed to just be a weekend thing in Mexico. The baby is actually due in two weeks.”
“Really? How are they handling that?”
“In a very Cash way.” I switch the heat off and turn to the lettuce. “He married her, and they seem really damn happy, actually. They’re raising her kids on his ranch and by all accounts are thrilled they’re having a baby.”
Chastity aggressively shreds the hell out of the carrot in her hand. “She’s lucky to find a man like Cash. Not all guys are ready to take on responsibility.”
I want to ask her about Josiah’s father, but I have a feeling the answer is going to piss me off. I don’t want to ruin our little time together by seething over a dude who shirked his responsibility. It’s also her story to share, or not.
“No, I suppose not,” I say. “So anyway, I always felt like the fuck-up kid. Nothing was that interesting to me. Until I had a friend who came back home after going to culinary school in New Orleans, and I thought it might be something I’d like. Turns out, I love it.”
“Food is chemistry,” she says, with a smile in my direction.
“What?” I pause in the middle of tossing baby greens in a bowl.
“You told me that. In New Orleans. That night. Food is chemistry.”
I can’t believe she remembers I said that. “Exactly. And food is pleasure.”
She sets the mandolin down and goes to wash her hands. “Sometimes it’s a substitute for other things.”
“Like what?” I’m not bringing up sex again.
Chastity shrugs. She dries her hands on my kitchen towel.
Finishing the salad, I plate it and set them down at the table. We sit across from each other and eat in silence for a minute or two before I can’t help myself.
“Why were you in my room that night all those years ago?” I ask. Nothing about her now seems to fit with a girl lying naked in wait for me. “The answer doesn’t matter. I’m just curious.”
She winces. “It’s going to sound so stupid. Everything I did at eighteen sounds stupid because it was stupid.”
Now I’m really curious. “I’m not going to judge you, I promise. I’m the king of stupid choices, remember? Ask my mother. Or Otis and Betty.”
She laughs a little but then exhales. “Okay. But I have to give you the backstory.”
I nod. “I’ve got nowhere to be, and I asked. Take all the time you need.”
Playing with her fork, she pushes the greens around. “All of my friends had been teasing me about being a virgin, going off to college without losing it. You know, growing up in a small town, there’s nothing to do…nothing to talk about. That was a hot topic.”
“You were a virgin?” It takes me a beat to realize that doesn’t make sense, but my mouth works faster than my brain.
“No, but that was the point. I wanted you to be my first time, so I was pretending that you were.”
I’ve never claimed to understand how eighteen-year-old girls’ minds work, even when I was eighteen, but this one has me really head-scratching. “I’m not sure I follow.” Like, at all.
“We went to the beach for spring break in March, and I lied to my parents about it. I said I was going to build houses in Mississippi for hurricane relief.”
That makes me chuckle. “That sounds like a Hank move. Nice.”
“I know. It was horrible, but it was the only excuse they were going to buy to allow me to leave. I don’t even know why they believed me. I wouldn’t have believed me. I can’t even swing a hammer. But after sneaking a bunch of sexy clothes over to your parents’ house and packing, I went off to Pensacola with Faith and our friends, feeling all bold and grown up and sassy. I got super drunk and everyone was saying I was going to meet a guy, teasing me, and I did. They were saying it was fate.”
That’s not fate. That’s alcohol.
“I don’t think it’s hard to meet someone drunk in a bar on spring break,” I point out. “Not sure that’s fate.”
Chastity gives me a long look. “No kidding. Tell that to my eighteen-year-old idiot ass. I met Austin from Houston, and he was cute and nice and giving compliments because he was shoveling shit to get in my pants, and I believed it all. We danced, we kissed, he invited me back to his room, and I thought, why not, right?”
I saw where this was going. “Austin from Houston must have thought he won the lottery.”
“Austin from Houston didn’t even bother to take all of my clothes off. Three minutes after we got in his room, it was all over. I was no longer a virgin.” She shakes her head. “I was kind of stunned. I thought it would at least be fun for me. It was…nothing. Pressure, and then it was over. Maybe that’s because I was drunk, though, I don’t know. Maybe that’s TMI. I never talk about this. I don’t know how to talk about it when people ask me about Josiah’s father.” Chastity shoves her fork around on her plate.
Damn. That sounds horrible, and I feel angry for her. It also makes me sad that anyone has ever made her feel any kind of way about it. “That’s not TMI. I asked you to share. The guy could at least have tried to make it good for you. A little fucking foreplay goes a long way.”
“I agree. Though he did walk me back to my motel room afterward, so I don’t think he was a bad guy. Just drunk and young and maybe inexperienced too.”
“And selfish, but okay. We’ll give Austin from Houston the benefit of the doubt.” I don’t want to argue with her that Austin was just a prick because it was clear, given what all I know about Chastity’s history, that he is Josiah’s father. Mouth shut. Keeping it that way.
“I woke up hungover and feeling bad about it, and I told myself it didn’t happen. That if I could hook up with someone I really liked, I could pretend it was my first time.”
Ah, fuck. Enter me into this story.
And all these years, I’d just thought she’d been horny at a girls’ sleepover and found me. I didn’t know I was supposed to be the magic eraser to her shitty losing-it experience.
“You liked me?” I ask, because that seems like a safe assumption, and I have no idea what else to say.
“Yes. Since middle school.” Chastity’s cheeks are pink. “Hank, this is so embarrassing. It all sounds so stupid now, I realize that.”
“Quit saying it’s stupid. I don’t think wanting more from a guy, wanting to enjoy sex, is stupid. I just wish I had known. You were gambling with my whiskey dick, honey. I was throwing back shots that night.”
“If that was whiskey dick, I would hate to see your dick sober.”
“You’d hate it?” I ask, raising my eyebrows. “Doubtful.”
“More like scared of it. I’m basically a virgin again, you know. It’s been five years.”
As if I haven’t thought about that every single second since she told me. The idea of how tight she must be, how eager, how wet…“I am very aware of that, but thanks for reminding me yet again.”
She laughs.
“It’s not funny.”
She tries to school her features. “Sorry.”
“So did it work? Did you convince yourself that I took your virginity? Was it everything you wanted it to be?” I already know she had at least two orgasms, but there’s nothing wrong with getting a little ego stroke. But mostly, I want to know if it was satisfying for her.
“You know it was,” she says softly. “You made it more about me than about you, and I finally got what all the fuss over sex was about. My eyes were definitely opened, and you were good to me.”
It had been easy to tell she was inexperienced. I’d enjoyed giving her pleasure. “So in a way, I was your first time. For certain things.”
“For all the good things.” She gives me a smile. “I probably could have done a decent job forgetting all about Austin from Houston if I hadn’t found out I was pregnant two days later when I went to the doctor for a UTI. They did a urine test, and everything changed.”
Now, that was heavy. I can’t even imagine how stunned and scared she must have been.
“I still can’t believe your parents stopped talking to you.” That really pisses me off. It was premarital sex, not murder. “How did Austin from Houston take the news?”
“Austin from Houston never gave me his last name or a phone number. I tried to look him up on social media, but the details I had, which is everything I’ve already told you, didn’t give me anything. Oh, and he said he was twenty and in community college. Do you know how many community colleges there are in Texas? If he was even telling me the truth. He could have actually been Houston from Austin, for all I know.”
Damn. “Or Dallas from Paris. I see the problem.” I’m even more impressed with Chastity than I was before. “So you didn’t have your parents” support, and you didn’t have the sperm donor’s support. How the hell did you manage to survive? You’re a warrior, Chastity.”
She shrugs. “Most people in my life back then would argue I was just stupid, but thank you. I appreciate you saying that.”
That also pisses me off. “There you go again with the stupid. Don’t ever do that. You made choices you regret, so what? Do you know how many hundreds of thousands of people hook up on spring break? It’s not exactly an uncommon story. It’s your body, and you’re allowed to do whatever the fuck you want with it. That’s not the point. The point is what you did when shit got real, and you rose to the occasion. You had everyone, literally everyone, including my sister, turn their back on you, and you still managed to survive and eventually thrive. And it didn’t turn you hard. The opposite, actually. You’re an amazing mother and a compassionate human being who takes care of everyone around you and yet, you still act like you deserve to be the one doing all the work. Like you have to make amends or something. You deserve just as much as everyone else. You deserve support, you deserve a helping hand, you deserve love,” I say emphatically. “Fuck, Chastity. You deserve to be loved.”
I feel very passionate about letting her know that she has nothing to apologize for and that she is worthy of the biggest and truest kind of love from a man. Hell, I could fall in love with her. Easily.
Her face softens. “You’re a very good man, Hank. Thank you. I do have people who love me. My son, Nevaeh, Miss Loretta. I’m very fortunate. I have the family I’ve created, not the one I was born to, and I’m at peace with that.”
That mollifies me slightly.
“Well, let’s get you dating too. In a few days, we’ll have you swiping on guys left and right. Or is it right and left?”
She laughs. “I have no idea. Do you really think I should just jump on a dating app?”
No. I think she should jump on me. But she wants someone different, and I want her to have that. Him. Whatever. This is a woman who should have everything she ever wants and then some. She’s paid her fucking dues. “Why not? Dating takes practice, just like anything else. That’s your homework after today. You need to set up a profile.”
“You’ll help me so I don’t say or do something stupid?”
I give her a hard look. “Only if you stop criticizing yourself.”
She winces. “I do that, don’t I? You’re right. I need to stop. I like myself, I really do. It’s just a habit to feel…”
“Guilty? To think that if you enjoy yourself, you’re going to bring bad luck on yourself?” God, her parents kicking her out did a real fucking number on her. I hope I never meet them. Then again, I hope I do because I have a thing or two to say to them.
Chastity shrugs. “I know. That sounds stu—oh my God.” She groans. “I’m a mess!”
“Hey.” I want to hug her, but I don’t want her to think I’m taking advantage of her emotions. I just tap the side of my head. “The loudest voices are in here. Just shut them off and let different voices in. You know who you are.”
Her voice is soft. “You’re right.” She gives a firm nod. “I know who I am.”
I can’t help but add my final thoughts. “And Austin from Houston should have given you his number because he’s missing out on a great kid from all accounts and a great woman. You should be proud of yourself.”
“Thanks. You should too, Hank.”
“Me? What the hell have I done?”
“Are you kidding? You’re opening a restaurant. That’s amazing. You’re hard-working and loyal and kind.”
“Thank you, Chastity, you’re very sweet.” Her compliment means more to me than I’m expecting. “Food and family, sweetheart. That’s what life is all about.”
“And football?”
She’s giving me the perfect way to tease her and lighten the mood.
“All the F words.”
“Oh, geez,” she says.
That makes me laugh. “Eat your damn salad.”