10. Colson
TEN
COLSON
I zip my pants, the sharp hissing of metallic causing tense sparks in the air. If this was a week ago, I would’ve clasped Violet’s hands in mine and brought her up to her feet. I would’ve dragged her leggings down her long legs and placed my mouth over every inch of her skin, and after, I would have eaten her out until she trembled and stars scattered her vision.
Unfortunately, it’s not a week ago, and as much as I’d love to let this continue, it needs to end. I hate how selfless she’s being and how easy it is to take advantage of that. I don’t want to be the guy who depletes her and makes her realize that she deserves so much more than she’s getting. She’s already had a similar experience with Webber, so how fair is it to turn around and do the same to her?
She drags the back of her hand across her mouth and clears her throat. She takes a step back, giving me the space I need to gather myself and stand, then moves for her belongings that lay in a heap of fabric by the fridge. I cringe over how dirty the floor is but revel in the notion that the kitchen light isn’t all that bright. It doesn’t illuminate the entire space. Only offers a soft yellow-orange glow over half the room.
I make a mental note to clean the entire house from top to bottom when I feel up to it. I used to keep up with the cleaning when I still lived here, so it wouldn’t be anything new. It’s just a matter of getting out of my head enough to make it happen.
I sniff, the sound of it cutting through the quiet. I don’t know where we go from here, but I do know that what just happened a minute ago can’t mean that we’re back together again.
I meant it when I broke up with her. I should’ve put what was happening between us to a stop the night outside of her apartment after she got a glimpse of the dysfunction in my life. Instead of saying fuck it and putting my lips on hers, I should’ve retreated.
I should’ve let it be.
Because she deserves better than what I can offer.
Better than cold shoulders and ignored texts.
She deserves more than the lies I’ve kept to protect a person who’s no longer here.
God , what the hell would she say if she knew that I spent weeks paying off my deceased mother’s drug dealer? And in place of getting her help no less.
She pushes her arms through her jacket when I finally work up the nerve to approach her. Even in this disgusting house and in the glow of the tangerine light, she’s beautiful. I wish things weren’t so fucked up. That Mom was still alive. That I could smooth my hands into Violet’s silky hair and kiss her with all the love in my body.
I reach for her wrist. She stiffens and double blinks. There’s an obvious roll to her throat when she speaks. “It’s okay,” she murmurs, her voice so goddamn quiet. “We don’t have to?—”
“That was…” I move my hand up her arm and thumb her chin. She looks up at me, and the misty look in her gaze nearly sends me over the edge. I’m torn between wanting to drag her out of this house and dropping to my knees with an endless string of apologies. She stares at me, and I can’t help but praise her for a job well done, for the way she suctioned that mouth around me like we were the last two people standing and it was our last day on earth. “You were goddamn phenomenal.”
Pinkness slants over her cheeks.
My eyes flick between hers. “You like hearing that, don’t you? And knowing that you can distract me so fucking well.”
She’s been doing it since the beginning of our relationship, occupying my mind with other stuff when I’ve needed it the most.
I need to put an end to it.
She can’t show up unannounced. Can’t be breaking into windows on my behalf. Whatever line of connection is left has to be severed. Whatever tether exists needs to be macheted clean off.
Because I can’t have Violet when my head is so fucked up. Every time I think of Mom, boulders of guilt crush me. I sit in this house, and I think about the what-ifs, about what I could’ve done differently, about her having more time. About me being parentless.
I hate that something so greedy took her, that her heart was too weak to carry on, to fight, to give me more time with her. I’m irrevocably helpless. And then there’s the shit with Finn and the Lincolns.
Forcing rehab should’ve been my priority over paying them back. My entire existence went to that, and I know I promised I was going to get Mom help after, but then everything happened so fast.
Finn was right.
This place embeds itself into you, and it doesn’t leave.
I’m not about to let that happen to Vi. I care about her too much, which is exactly why I’m putting an end to this tonight.
For good, this time.
“Thanks for helping me out. You know, when I fell out there.” It’s soft on her lips when it comes out, and she limps a step away. “I think I can make it out to my car without help. It’s actually, uh, starting to feel better.”
I glance down at her ankle. I might be seconds from breaking her heart all over again, but I won’t let her go out in the dark alone and fend for herself. I’ll at least make sure she gets to her car okay.
“I can help you outside.”
Her eyes meet mine. “You can do something better for me.”
“Hmm?”
“Answer your phone when I call.”
I roll my lips into my mouth and three, two, one…
“That’s not going to happen.”
She covers the hurt on her face remarkably well, but she forgets that I can read her like the back of my hand.
“What do you mean?”
“I told you I don’t want to be bothered. You can’t come around and push your way into my life, Violet. You can’t show up, suck my dick, and think everything is going to be back to normal.”
“I didn’t—” She rubs her hands over her face and pushes her fingers up into her hairline. “I didn’t do that just to convince you to get back with me or convince myself that everything is okay. I know it’s not.”
Violet will keep trying to right a wrong that has nothing to do with her. She’ll continue to try to be here for me because it’s who she is, it’s who we are together. Only we’re not a we anymore, and if I have to be the biggest asshole on the planet for her to see that, then so be it.
“Are you sure about that?” I question.
She’s offended by my audacity, rearing her head back. Fuck, I am, too. “You truly think that I risked breaking in and rolled my ankle just so I could get in your pants and convince myself that life is just fucking dandy, Colson?”
“What matters is that we’re done.”
I don’t want anything to do with you, I tell her in my head, even though it makes my entire body revolt.
If we were still only friends, and some other guy was pulling this shit on her, I’d pound him into the ground. I’d take one look at him and know it would be easy making his life a living hell.
She brings her fingers to her lips and shakes her head. She’s seconds from cracking, from being consumed by the heartbreak my words stir, and it’s so goddamn painful to have a front row seat to it.
But I have to do it.
“It doesn’t have to be like this.”
“Get it through your head, Violet.” I tap my knuckle against my temple. “I don’t fucking want to be with you anymore.”
“What is so wrong about me being here for you? Even as your friend?”
Everything .
Nothing about that set up would work.
She takes a step forward, that jasmine scent invading my senses all over again. I twist around because I can’t handle that right now and move over to the other side of the kitchen. She watches me despite my words manhandling her.
“You don’t want to be here for me.”
“Yes, I do!”
“No,” I yell back, stomping over to her. It’s the first time I’ve raised my voice at her like this, and I feel like the shittiest guy on this side of the Sycamore Memorial. “You fucking don’t. You don’t want to see me like this. You don’t want to know what it feels like here .” I punch my chest. “And you don’t want to be on the receiving end of it.”
“I’m not afraid of you…or your pain,” she mutters softly.
“You should be.”
“You’re not the kind of man you say you are. Think you are.” Her hands come up to my chest, playing with the strings from my hoodie while she tries to catch my gaze.
I pluck her hands off me. “Don’t touch me.”
“You didn’t seem to mind a minute ago.”
I turn to grip the countertop, my back to her. Again. “That was different.”
She huffs, and I wish I wasn’t this fucking stupid. “Of course it was. It’s always different when you have your dick shoved down the back of someone’s throat, isn’t it?”
My teeth nip at my cheek and my jaw clenches. Her sucking me off wasn’t nothing. I felt every ounce of her in the way she pleasured me, but I’m not about to tell her that. I’ll never admit to wanting more of her in these moments where I’m so goddamn broken I can’t tell left from right.
“Oh, nothing to say to that?” she goads. “Go figure.”
“Please just go. For the love of fucking God, get me out of your head. What we had never existed.” It’s amazing how good I’ve gotten at spouting off bullshit since I found her on that rock.
She winds up her bow and that mouth of hers sends her insult flying. It lands in the center of my back, a stab above my kidneys. “Screw you, Colson. How dare you try to take that away from me, away from us .”
We were always meant to go up in flames. I think I understand that more than ever. It was easy to think otherwise when I was so focused on Finn, thinking about getting Mom help, and working out my next step in life.
She sniffles and then yelps. I twist around to find her holding her ankle. She must’ve tried to take a step, but it was too much. I immediately spring into action and move to her side.
“No,” she screams, shoving me away. “Get away from me! You don’t get to say those things and then help me.”
“You can’t fucking walk on your own, Violet.”
I hoist her back to her feet, her tiny fists flying at my chest in frustration. She lacks all the power in the world behind each punch, but it hurts more than when Nic and I got into it in that alleyway. Each time her closed palm connects with my body, my heart threatens to beat out of turn. To halt completely.
“Stop.”
“No!” She’s crying now, big sloppy tears rolling down her cheeks, and all because of me. I did this. I told her that what we had was worthless. That we’ll never be together again. I’ve shown her that her mouth is worth more than loyalty and love.
I really am a fucking coward.
I grab her shoulders and shake her. “You have to.”
“Fuck you for telling me what I have to do,” she wails, yanking herself away from me. She stumbles on her foot then turns for the back door, breathing through the pain each time she limps.
Wiping her tears, she flings the door open like she doesn’t care if it slams against the wall. She moves as fast as she can with her bum ankle, but it feels like it’s happening in slow motion. Her barreling out the door, wisps of her dark hair reaching for me. She’s a blur as she moves farther and farther away.
Out of sight.
Out of reach.
It’s like watching a piece of myself leave, and I spring into action, following her out the back door to the side of the house.
She hobbles with each step, her body shaking. I don’t know if it’s from the discomfort in her ankle or the agony in her heart. I don’t understand why the universe had to bring her into my life just to make me watch her leave.
I amble up next to her. She ignores me, wrenching her arm away when I offer her weak side support.
Don’t worry, I wouldn’t want to be touched by me, either.
At the front corner of the house, she stops and gathers her breath. Her tears have slowed and what’s left of them, she wipes away. I wonder if her ankle is throbbing as much as my chest.
I know a moment will come where I’ll regret this, but I also know we’ll both be better for it. I can’t cater to Violet when I’m sifting through the sandy shores of grief and guilt.
“I can walk the rest by myself.” The darkness of the night shrouds us. There’s not a star in the sky tonight. No moon to give us that little bit of light to make out our faces. I can’t make out the tiny beauty mark on her face or her permanent frown.
“I’ll watch from here,” I offer because I’m hearing exactly what she’s not saying. She doesn’t want my help.
“I don’t want us to throw insults at each other,” she says calmly. I don’t know how, in the space of seconds, she mellowed out the anger and pain flowing through her. “I don’t want to cause more hurt than what’s already here. I’m sorry for not controlling my tongue back there and saying hurtful things. I didn’t mean them.”
I’ve already told her not to apologize over her feelings, but I keep my mouth shut. I’m in the same boat. I’m fucking exhausted after the days I’ve had. I don’t want to fight. I just want to let her go.
Her face turns in my direction, I think, but it’s hard to tell since it’s night. “Are you talking out of grief and everything you're feeling with your mom, or are you being serious? Are we r—” Her voice cracks, and fuck, if it doesn’t make this ten times harder. “Are we really done?”
I chew on her words, and for a split second, I think maybe we can work this out. We’ve done well together this entire time. Even though I had other shit going on, I never let it affect my relationship with her. I promised her I’d try and told myself I wouldn’t roll over and die at the first signs of defeat, but…
Something deep inside of me says to release her. That I’ll eventually screw her up, that even though I can try to convince myself I’m good for her, I’m really not.
She doesn’t even know about my past with Finn or the secrets I’ve kept. Staying with her would only be delaying the inevitable. I’m speeding up the process by ripping the roots out before they grow too strong and can’t be removed.
“It’s the end, Vi.”
I swear I see her nod. That, or my eyes are playing tricks on me. She doesn’t say another word. Maybe she can’t. It’s difficult speaking when emotions clog your throat and you’re trying to gargle your way past it.
She makes it to her car, and I watch her get in as the moon shuffles between the clouds, offering me a sliver of temporary light. She doesn’t look back, doesn’t send me one of her cheeky smiles over her shoulder that I love so much. She turns over her ignition and vanishes into the night.
I trudge my way back into the house, grab a glass from the cabinet and fill it with water. I drink it down in large gulps as I walk back to Mom’s room. An overwhelming sensation fills me to the brim. It drowns out the tick of the oscillating fan I set up on the dresser next to the Jack Daniel’s. It darkens the room despite the light being on, and because I have nowhere to put it, because I’m already feeling everything, I rip the seal off Jack and bring the rim to my lips without thinking twice.