Chapter 43
Ashlyn
“I think we finally got all the glitter out of the carpet. And off the tables. And the toys,” Hannah says.
“It is pretty amazing that it’s all gone,” Becca says.
“Oh, it’s not gone,” I chime in. “It’s everywhere. My clothes, my shoes, my hair. Even my car seat looks like a unicorn threw up. It’s not gone, it just went home with us,” I say, and everyone laughs.
“Well, I think it’s safe to say that craft day was again a success,” Hannah says as we lock up the daycare and head to our cars.
“Thank goodness for that,” Becca says. Then she turns to me. “I hope this isn’t weird. But I think the three of us should go out some time. Grab a glass of wine or appetizers or something.”
“Count me in,” Hannah says. “I love all these little rug-rats, but Miss Hannah needs some grown-up juice.”
“I feel you on that one,” I say as we make our way to our cars. “How about right now,” Becca says. “If you don’t think it’s weird…”
We all look at each other and smile. “Let’s do it,” Hannah says.
“Yes!” Becca agrees.
Girl’s night with my boss and my ex’s soon to be ex? After the week I’ve had? Sure. Why the hell not?
We go to an Asian tapas restaurant and order a bunch of appetizers and cocktails. Honestly, it’s the most fun I’ve had in a while. Between the needed girl time and the booze, we all open up. Becca is impossible not to like, and Hannah is a little wilder than I would have expected.
“So listen to me, girls,” Hannah says as the waitress hands her a drink. She’s already had one. “Being single is the best. And I’m going to tell you why.”
“Why?” Becca, who is buzzy after only one glass of prosecco, asks. “I need some convincing because divorce sucks.”
“Cheers to that,” I say, tapping my iced tea against her glass. Despite alcohol sounding good, I’m honestly still not feeling great and decided to play it safe. But you can’t beat the food and the company, I’ll tell you that much.
“Being single is underrated. I come and go as I please. I don’t have to share a bed.
I can starfish any time I want. I don’t have to pretend to like movies or music that bore me.
I never have to clean up after anyone else.
And when sex gets boring, I just find someone new for a night or two,” Hannah says with a smile. “It’s amazing.”
“But what about love?” Becca asks. “Don’t you ever want to be in love?”
Hannah shrugs. “Maybe someday. But right now, I’m having a great time not worrying about it.”
“Ashlyn, did we upset you?” Becca asks, and I realize I have tears in my eyes.
“No. I mean, maybe. I mean…”
“Awe, your breakup is still really fresh,” Hannah says.
“It is,” I agree.
“Has he tried to make amends at all?” Becca asks.
“Yes. But I’m just not so sure about it yet,” I answer. They know a little because everything is so public about us, and we’ve had small conversations. But I fill them in on the entire picture.
“I can’t imagine,” Becca says. “I feel like I’d talk to him again just to see the baby again.”
I think about that. Because yes, I’ve thought about that.
The longing to see Bentley again is like a hole in my chest. An ache, not just love.
Like we needed each other. But it isn’t just that.
It’s Zane too. There’s no way I can see him and not want him as well.
In a different sense, of course. But just as deeply.
We finish our food and drinks while talking about lighter subjects, getting to know each other outside of work. And by the time we are getting ready to go, we feel like old friends. As crazy as that might seem.
“Well, girls, it’s been a blast,” Hannah says, hugging each of us.
“I agree,” Becca says, giving me a hug, too. “Let’s do it again.”
“Totally,” I say.
“Us girls gotta stick together,” Becca says, and I smile.
“Chicks before dicks, always,” Hannah says, and we all laugh because it is a very not Hannah thing to say.
As I part from the other girls and head towards my car, I pass several other restaurants and bars.
This street is one of my favorites as far as food and drinks go, and I was glad when Hannah picked it.
The only problem is parking. It’s not always easy to find a spot. But honestly, I don’t mind the walk.
I am about to turn the corner when someone calls my name.
“Ashlyn?”
It’s a woman’s voice. A voice I don’t recognize even when I turn around to face the girl who is hurrying towards me.
“I’m not following you, I swear,” she says as she stops in front of me. She’s about my age, and she’s wearing all black. She has what looks like a camera case.
“I’m sorry I’m not doing photos,” I say, recognizing the paparazzi garb anywhere.
“I don’t want photos. I want to talk,” she says, but I turn away.
“I’m not doing any press,” I tell her.
“I’m not a reporter,” the girl says, but I’m already walking. “I’m Nikki.”
With that, I stop.
“I just…I want to talk,” she says, and I turn back around.
We go inside a little cantina with a very open and comfortable vibe. She orders a beer and I order an iced tea.
“How did you know where to find me?” I ask.
“I hate to say it, but it wasn’t hard. You’re all over the media,” she says. “And when I saw that you quit the paparazzi industry and were working at a daycare, I was curious if it was the daycare Bentley goes to. So I actually looked up the daycare because I was thinking about him.”
“You wanted to see him again?” I ask.
Nikki chews her lip. “He’s still my son.”
I nod, though I don’t understand how someone could give up a child is foreign to me.
“Anyways,” she goes on, “I wasn’t going to go inside or anything. Even if I saw him from afar, just to know that he’s okay, I wouldn’t want him to see me.”
“Zane is taking really good care of him,” I tell her.
“I know,” she says. Then she sets the camera on the table. When she opens it up, I realize it’s the one Deborah gave me. The one I mailed back.
“So it was you,” I say.
“Yeah,” she nods.
“Why?” I ask, holding back my anger.
“Believe it or not, I was taking photos before I ever knew you existed. I love photography, and it paid well as a side gig. Babies are expensive,” she says, picking at the label on her beer bottle. “I was at Zane’s the night you were there. The night you fell in the hot tub,”
“Of course you were. You took the photos of us…”
“I didn’t know there was another photographer.
The man has a lot of bushes. For all we know, there was more than just us,” she jokes.
“Honestly, when I saw you two hooking up, I knew I’d get good money for the photos.
I only had a cheap camera at the time. I didn’t work for anyone back then.
I just took photos and submitted them, hoping someone would want them and pay. Those paid well.”
“I’m sure they did,” I click my tongue and take a sip of my tea.
“You have to understand a little,” she says, her tone matching mine. “You were paparazzi too.”
I can’t say much to that. Because she isn’t wrong. When I don’t respond, she goes on.
“Anyways. I followed your story for a while. I looked you up, curious who the woman was that Zane fell in love with and brought into his house. I was jealous, you know? Like, who is this woman who started as a nobody and became the love of his life? And then, when I dug deeper and found out you used to work at a daycare and all that, I realized that maybe the two of you would be better parents to my son.”
“Do you think you’re a bad mom?” I ask.
“I love him,” she says quickly. “And I did my best. I worked my ass off to make sure he had what he needed. But I didn’t want to get pregnant. I’ve never wanted that. And to be a single mom? It was my worst nightmare.”
I swallow, trying my best to process what she’s saying.
Trying to understand where she is coming from.
“So let me get this straight: if I can. You had feelings for Zane, and they weren’t reciprocated.
He broke it off, and you found out you were pregnant,” I say.
She nods, peeling more of the label off her beer bottle. “You carried out the pregnancy–”
“I would have never done anything else,” she cuts in.
“And then you had Bentley. You took care of him the best you could, making money off photos for media,” I go on.
“And waitressing,” she adds. “I live with my sister. She watched him while I was at work.”
“And then, after taking photos of us, you decided we would be better suited to take care of him than you were?” I ask. Her eyes fill with tears, though she is successful at blinking them back.
“I thought about taking Bentley to Zane many, many times. I mean, think about it. He’s rich.
He could take care of him better than I ever could.
Bentley deserves that. It’s not his fault I got pregnant.
It’s not his fault his daddy doesn’t love me.
He deserves the best. And Zane can give him the best,” she says.
“You know…I went as far as to pack him up in my car to take him over there more than once. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. ”
“I can only imagine,” I say softly. “So what changed? The night you brought him to Zane’s? What compelled you to go through with it that night?”
“You,” she says, and my heart stops. “I’d been taking photos of you two for a while because I knew they’d sell.
And while doing that, I watched you two together.
You’re spicy as shit with each other, but I knew you loved each other.
I could see it. I knew you were right for Bentley.
And as I continued to keep an eye out, I realized I wasn’t wrong.
You are exactly what he needed. What I’ll never be. ”
“Nikki,” my voice cracks. “You may not feel like a good mother for him but you–”
“I didn’t want to be a mom, Ashlyn,” she cuts me off. “You do. Handing him over to Zane was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I know it was right. It was devastating and relieving all at the same time.”
I study her for a moment. All of a sudden, I feel for her. She’s not who I thought she was. She’s alone, scared, and desperate. In the same way I am desperate to be a mother, she was desperate to do the right thing for a child she couldn’t take care of the way she knew he needed.
“So why did you take the other photos then? For Deborah? Surely you knew the damage they’d cause,” I tell her.
She nods. “I did. So it wasn’t initially Deborah at Sigma that came to me or that gave me the idea. It was Jett.”
“Jett…Navarro?” I ask, and she nods with a small smile.
“Yeah. I don’t know how he knew who I was.
This is Hollywood, and there are no secrets.
But he sat down next to me at a bar one night, flirted a little, and then told me that Sigma was looking for some really juicy pics of Zane.
At first, I wanted to tell him to fuck off.
But he just kept going on and on about how you and Zane and Bentley were so happy together and how I should feel like you stole the life I could have had.
And as stupid as it sounds, I bought into it.
I was jealous. Then Deborah at Sigma contacted me.
She knew I had access to his property, or at least knowledge of it.
She gave me a job, the assignment, and this camera.
She offered decent money. But because of my conversation with Jett, it wasn’t just for the money anymore.
I wanted revenge. I wanted to hurt Zane. And you.”
“You knew it would be the family Bentley needed, but it also hurt to see us together,” I say, and she nods.
“And in the end, I hurt Bentley too,” she says.
I swallow hard, taking a sip of my tea. “So what made you come clean?” I ask. “Why did you want to talk to me?”
“I guess I just see the damage I caused and wanted to make it right,” she says.
“No offense, Nikki, but I don’t think there’s much you can do at this point to make it right.”
She looks up at me. “No. But you can,” she says.
“What are you talking about?”
“I took those photos. I planted everything. I basically wrote the story. But he loves you. And if I had to guess, you love him. And I know you love Bentley. You can still have all of that. But you have to talk to Zane.”
“I don’t know if it’s that easy,” I say.
“Of course it’s not. Nothing that is right is ever easy.
Giving up my son so he’d have a better life wasn’t easy.
Coming to you wasn’t easy. Convincing myself that if Zane doesn’t have the same feelings for me as I do for him isn’t easy.
But it’s right. Isn’t it?” Nikki stops and waits for an answer, but I am too choked up to say anything.
“Talk to him,” she says, standing up from the stool and putting a five-dollar bill on the bar top. “Forgive him. You two belong together.”
With that, she walks out, leaving me feeling even more disarrayed than I was before.