Chapter 10 Sage
SAGE
MARCH
Summer Before Senior Year
Atlanta without Aspen isn’t nearly as enjoyable.
I still like my internship at the lab. The genome project really is fascinating.
But every hour I spend outside of work feels like a waste.
Alone in my one-bedroom apartment downtown, attempting to explore the city, even spending time with my coworkers or Arthur—every moment feels overshadowed by how much I wish Aspen were with me.
I should have gone home for the summer instead of coming back to the city that reminds me so much of her and the amazing summers we’ve shared here the past couple of years.
I should be in New York. Ugh. I try to ignore the thought I have hundreds of times a day.
Aspen didn’t want me in New York, I remind myself.
I also try not to think about why she didn’t want me there, but it’s impossible.
Did I do something wrong? We were having the best time in Paris, and she seemed so happy that whole week.
I had no idea that she had even taken Sarah’s mention of a potential internship seriously until she had already confirmed it was happening.
Why didn’t she tell me? Things seemed normal enough between us the rest of the semester, so I don’t think I did anything to completely ruin our friendship, but I was too afraid to make things worse by asking her directly about it.
I’m probably reading into things. She didn’t say she didn’t want to spend the summer with me, she told me to continue working at the lab she knows I love.
And she’s never enjoyed all the events her parents drag her to when she spends the summer here.
I know the internship in New York is an amazing opportunity for her, and I’m so excited that she’s chasing her dreams.
I just wish our dreams were in the same place.
God, why am I being so dramatic? I’m annoying myself with how melancholy I’ve been all summer.
Arthur isn’t constantly complaining about being apart from her, and they’ve been close for practically their entire lives.
I’m still convinced that they’ll end up together eventually, despite them both denying interest.
I take a deep breath and straighten to my full height.
I’m trying to work off my anxious energy, cleaning and prepping my meals for the week.
I need to get a grip, perk up, and be my usual optimistic self.
It’s only a few months, and then we’ll be roommates again and everything will go back to normal.
I’m probably so in my head right now because I’ve been at home all day.
I’m not used to spending so much time completely alone, and I haven’t even talked to Aspen yet today, so I’m off-kilter.
I pull out my phone and find our text thread, staring at the picture she sent super late last night, hours after I had gone to bed.
It’s a selfie of her and Anna, one of the other students working at the magazine this summer, out at a club.
They’re both flashing huge smiles, a little disheveled from what was likely a long night of dancing.
A bunch of the interns are sharing an apartment that sounds far too tiny for how many of them there are, but Aspen assures me it’s all a part of the authentic New York experience.
Anna is the one she’s closest with, it seems like they’re always together, and I can’t help but feel a stab of jealousy in my gut as I focus on the way Anna is smiling at Aspen in the picture. Has she replaced me?
Oh my God, she’s allowed to have other friends! I remind myself. I liked the photo when I woke up this morning and responded with “Looks like a fun night!” but it’s almost two p.m. now, so I’m assuming she’s awake as I text again.
Sage
Living alone is very strange. I miss having you around all the time.
I hit send before I can second-guess how needy that might have sounded. It’s Aspen, I don’t need to filter myself with her, even if I have been so self-conscious about our friendship lately. Luckily I don’t have to wait long before she responds.
Aspen
I can’t imagine! I don’t think I’ve actually been alone outside of the bathroom since I got to NYC, LOL. Miss you too!
Something settles in my chest at the confirmation that she also misses me. I sink onto the barstool at the kitchen island and take what feels like my first normal breath all day. See, I have nothing to worry about.
Sage
Are you free to call? I miss your voice too.
Aspen
It might be a little loud, but sure!
I hit the call button and Aspen answers on the second ring. “Hey! How’s the lab?” I can tell there are people talking in the background, but have no trouble hearing Aspen. She sounds excited to chat, which elevates my mood even more.
“It’s good, we’re working on sequencing elecampane right now which is fascinating, but I wish we were closer,” I admit, unable to hold back where my thoughts have been focusing.
“Me too,” Aspen agrees. “But the summer is flying by, right? I can’t believe there’s only a few weeks left!”
I can’t believe there’s still a few weeks left.
I feel like we haven’t seen each other in years instead of the little over the month it’s actually been.
“Yeah,” I weakly agree, attempting to rein in my negativity.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to visit before then?
” I ask, unable to stop myself from hoping that her previous answer had magically changed.
“I’m sorry, Sage, I just don’t think it would be worth it for how little free time I actually have. Even after work and on the weekends, we go out and network with industry people. You’d be so bored.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you’re right.” I sigh, trying to hold back tears at what feels like a crushing rejection, no matter how illogical that may be.
I want to believe Aspen’s reasoning, but I can’t stop the worry from returning that something has changed.
The voices in the background are louder for a moment before I hear Aspen say something that’s muffled, so I assume she’s covering the phone.
“Hey, sorry, I didn’t realize it was almost time to go.
Anna and I met one of the people who’s making the costumes for that new Broadway show last night, and they said we could come by their studio today.
I’ll have to talk to you later,” she promises, sounding genuinely bummed about cutting the call short, even if the excitement over where she’s going bleeds through.
“That’ll be amazing, have fun,” I say, trying my best to cover up the disappointment I’m feeling.
“Thanks, Sage, miss you!” she rushes before the call ends.
I would never want to hold Aspen back from her dreams. But the more time we spend apart, the more obvious it becomes that a big part of my own dream is to remain in the same city as her.
I’m not an idiot. I know we can’t be roommates forever, that we’ll probably end up in relationships and eventually settle down and live apart.
But we can do that and still be neighbors, still be best friends.
Aspen is the kind of friend that I want around for the rest of my life.
I feel like I’m not truly myself when she isn’t near.
I’m planning to get a master’s degree, but I’m sure that whatever big city Aspen ends up in will have a university I can continue my studies at.
I refuse to live this far apart ever again.