Chapter 16
Tessa
I should feel embarrassed about letting Fitz see the ranch house in its current state, but I have bigger issues on my mind right now than the cloud of dust that slowly settles in the room. Fitz takes a look around and lets out a slow whistle.
“Wow, Duchess, like what you've done with the place.”
“Very funny,” I say. “I hired someone to give the place an initial cleaning, not that you can tell.” There must be an open window somewhere, and this area gets a little windy.
“You plan on renovating this place all by yourself,” he asks. “Gonna take some heavy lifting.”
Under different circumstances, the rumble of his voice might heat me from the inside out. But his skepticism hits me and ignites a different kind of fire. I hate when people underestimate me.
“You think I can't do it?” I ask.
“I just asked if you plan to do it by yourself.”
“Yes. I do.”
“Yeah, from what little I know of you, taking on an impossible task where you have no experience is right on brand.”
He kicks his shoes off and leans back on the twin bed, tucking his hands behind his head while I perch on the edge with both feet on the ground. He’s so easy and comfortable. It reminds me of why I followed him from the bar a month ago, and why I almost forgot to use a condom.
I put a hand on his thigh, his muscle hard beneath his jeans. “I’m sorry about all this, Fitz. I know it’s a lot to dump on you. Sounds like you’ve got plenty going on in your life without me complicating things.”
He sits up and looks at me. His eyes are soft, his expression sober. His hand comes up, and he smooths my hair. It’s a strange juxtaposition, his gruff exterior and the soft gesture.
“Don’t apologize. I’m responsible as much as you are.”
I nod. “I appreciate you wanting to step up. Really. You’re a good guy, Fitz.
But do you want to take your time and think about it?
It’s taken me a good week to get my brain around everything, and I’m still pretty freaked out.
I still haven’t told my sisters or anyone at work. I don’t know what to say.”
He covers my hand with his. “Yeah. Yes. I need to process the reality of it, but not because I’m contemplating walking away.
I know that in my gut. Somehow, I think that life doesn't present you with opportunities you can't handle. Maybe this is our opportunity to create a spectacular life for a new little human.”
An unexpected lump forms in my throat, and it takes me a moment to swallow. There’s also the need to breathe.
“I used to help out with my sisters when they were young, so I'm not totally in the dark with a kid.
But I'm not moving up here, and I can only really get away from my job two days a week to work on the ranch and the renovations.
So I don't want you having any illusions that suddenly we're gonna be all cute riding on one horse together.”
As I say the words, the image of us riding with a tiny baby sandwiched between us does something unexpected to my heart.
It swells and aches in a way that tells me I need to tread carefully with Fitz.
He could not have made it more clear that he doesn’t want a relationship.
I quickly rein in those wandering thoughts.
He flips my hand over and interlaces our fingers. It feels right, like something we do every day. Like something we’ve done a hundred times before.
Rein. It. In.
“I heard everything you said about your career, and I respect that you want to do something here with the ranch. Adding a child into the mix isn’t going to be easy, but…” He blows out a long breath and throws up his hands. “I’m good with horses and cattle. Maybe that’ll help with a baby.”
I roll my eyes. “I don’t think it’s exactly the same.
” I stand and hobble my way around the room because I can't understand how this man who just found out I'm going to change his life is rolling with it so easily.
Cupping the sides of my head with both hands, I stare at him.
“How is this not freaking you out?” I practically shout, not bothering to keep exactly how freaked out I am from my voice.
He blinks a few times, and I wonder if he heard the question.
Then his hand rakes down his face, leaving an expression that looks nothing like the cocky, smirky cowboy he’s shown me so far.
Worry lines streak his forehead and anguish plagues his eyes.
Like he’s being honest for the first time. Like the mask has been torn away.
“It is.” The soft rumble of his voice has a vulnerability I haven’t heard before. “Of course it is. I’ve been trying to put on a brave face, but…Jesus…I don’t know how to be a dad, let alone a good one. I didn’t exactly have the best role model.”
It’s the first time I’ve seen the stoic facade slip, and I’m grateful for the honesty but also a little afraid because his earlier ease was settling my own nerves.
A muscle in his cheek twitches, and he keeps doing that slow unnerving blinking like he’s hoping this whole situation is a figment of his imagination.
“I don’t know much about fatherly role models, but you seem to do a good job of taking care of people around here. That says a lot,” I offer.
Fitz presses his lips together, seemingly unconvinced.
“A lot of people don’t have great dad role models and they figure it out.”
“All I know is the kind of dad I don’t want to be.” He spits out the words like he hates their taste in his mouth.
“It’s a start.” I shrug.
“Are we crazy?” he asks. “Is there anything about this that makes sense?”
I stop pacing and let out a long breath. “I don’t know. Maybe not…Maybe?”
His choked laugh almost sounds like a sob. “Come on, Duchess. That wouldn’t convince a jury.”
I deflate and shake my head. “Speaking of that. I know I’ve made this big deal about how I’m this hotshot city lawyer who’s going to throw out your lawsuit so fast it will make your head hurt, but you might as well know that I’m just a regular old lawyer.
I’m not even a partner. Though I wasn’t lying when I said I had ideas that could help you. ”
I stop moving and stand in front of him. I shouldn’t admit this, shouldn’t tell him I’ve never tried my own case in court before. When I look over, I see the first hint of a smile in a while. “So are you even a real lawyer? Or do you just play one on TV?”
“Oh, so everyone from LA is an actor? Is that what you think?” I pluck a pillow from the bed and chuck it at him.
“It’s an expression, Duchess. If you’re going to raise a kid with me, you should learn my sense of humor.”
“Fine. When you get one, I’ll try to recognize it.” I digest his words and scan his face to assess his sincerity. “So, we’re doing this? Raising a kid together?”
“We only live two hours away from each other. Co-parenting will give a child the best of both worlds. A little city life and time under these wide open skies I love so much. We can write it all down, all the legal terms and schedules you seem to love so much, make it a business agreement, make me a co-CEO if you want.”
Even though the rules were my idea, I’m having a hard time believing this could work. But…maybe. If we layer in enough plans and contingencies, it could be an iron-clad arrangement.
“I do like the idea of a kid running free on a ranch part of the time,” I admit, letting the image flourish in my mind.
“Damn straight. It’s one thing my dad did right, maybe the only thing. The rest I’m gonna do differently, starting with acting like the grownup in the mix.”
I nod, feeling like he’s convincing himself as well as me. I want to know more about his relationship with his dad, but this isn’t the time for it. For now, it relieves me to know he’s taking the responsibility so seriously.
On my entire drive up here today, I’d been waffling, worried about my own parenting abilities, but the idea of having a supportive partner makes it seem possible. I can’t decide yet if it’s a problem that John Fitzgerald’s mere presence makes my pulse speed up a notch.
Damn cowboy.
“So…ground rules…” I perch on the edge of the bed, pulling out my phone to take notes.
“Seriously? You’re writing this down?”
“Of course I am. We need boundaries. Rules. Stipulations. Expectations.” I can’t help my guilty smile at how much I love having a plan.
He circles a finger in my direction, but all I see is his smoldering look. “If you think this is seduction by spreadsheet, I oughtta tell you it’s not working.”
I shake my head. “No! See, this is exactly why we need rules. First one, no lingering looks, no hot cowboy smirks.”
“I wasn’t doing either.” Maybe he doesn’t intend to, but he’s giving me both. The heat of his gaze sets every nerve ending in my body on fire. I want to climb him like a tree.
“Maybe not intentionally,” I mutter.
He laughs, deep and raspy. His eyes crinkle. Another wave of flames over my skin. A zing between my legs that isn’t helping matters. If only my body would stop betraying my brain.
“Fitz, stop it.”
He holds his hands up in innocence? “Stop what?”
I shake my head, refusing to encourage him. Wanting to encourage him…
“We need to have boundaries. Come on, we can both be adults here, can’t we? Let’s just agree on some basic terms. Whether you’ll come to doctor visits. What major expenses we need to consider.”
He lets out a low whistle. “Okay, if you say so.” And just like that, the flirtation stops. He crosses his arms and starts rattling off a list of things he’d like to be involved in and telling me the constraints of his schedule.
A part of me wants to take back all the things I said about us being just friends and co-parents. That part of me that wants more, the part that still wishes for the prince. The rest of me nudges in with saner thoughts. The right thoughts.
We’re good this way. We’ll be friends. We’ll get to know each other better over the coming months. We’ll be the best possible parents. And besides, Fitz doesn’t do relationships. He couldn’t have made that more clear, and I’m still determined to make partner in LA. So friends are all we’ll ever be.
I just hope that somewhere along the way, my body stops reacting to him. A woman can hope.