Chapter 12 Adrian
ADRIAN
“Ithink your stovetop is clean,” Jordan comments from his barstool in my kitchen.
I might have been the one who invited him over to hang out, but I haven’t been able to sit still, so my glass of wine is still untouched next to his now empty one on the counter.
“So, are you ready to talk about why you’re obsessively cleaning, or are we still pretending that it has nothing to do with Hudson being out on a date tonight?”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I insist. “Oh! I should clean out my fridge. I haven't done that in a few weeks.” Focused on my new task, I start taking everything out of it so I can do a deep clean.
And I’m not even lying. There isn’t anything to talk about.
Things have gone back to normal after the weird cuddling thing last week where, for a tiny second, I thought Hudson might have been thinking about kissing me.
Obviously, he wasn’t, and my imagination was running wild after he confirmed he’d carried me to my bed that morning.
Plus all the cuddling. It was just a confusing moment that I was reading into way too much.
The night ended normally with Hudson setting up a date. For tonight. A date that I helped him plan where to go and helped him choose what to wear.
And I was happy to help. I love helping my friends.
Well, normally, I really love helping my friends.
I love seeing them happy and knowing that I made things easier for them, or contributed to their joy, even in some small way.
I usually thrive on that. I go out of my way to solve problems for other people so I can have that moment of sharing their success.
But with Hudson? Everything is different.
As much as I do want him to be happy, and I really, really do—I want him to be happy more than anyone else I’ve ever met and he deserves it with how kind and positive he is, how he brings out the good in those around him—I’m still struggling.
By helping him try to move on like he’s asked me to, by helping him find another woman to date, I can’t help but feel like I’m finding my replacement.
And I know how silly that is. Obviously, any romantic feelings between us are entirely one-sided on my part, but it’s inevitable that he’ll stop doing all the nice things he does for me now when he has a girlfriend to do them for instead.
Whatever woman he ends up dating is who he’s going to be picking up dinners for.
They’re the one he’s going to be watching hours of TV with at night, the person he’s going to go out of his way to pick up their favorite snack for.
When they fall asleep on the couch, he’ll carry them back to a bed they share.
And I’ll still be here. Alone in my apartment, like I’ve always been.
Which is fine.
I love my life. I wasn’t looking for it to be turned upside down when he moved in here.
I’m just being dramatic right now because I’ve gotten so used to our routine, and now that he’s on his first date, I know it’s over.
Once I see him with whatever girl he’s dating, I’ll remember that we’ve always only been friends.
That I have no right to feel so heartbroken right now at the thought of losing him.
Because he was never mine.
No matter how much it’s felt that way since he moved in.
And I’m totally fine. I’m not at all jealous or freaking out, and I’m definitely not tempted to show up at the restaurant I know he’s at to hide in the corner to see how his date is going.
I’m totally chill. Just cleaning out my fridge. The contents are now on the counter, and I’ve moved on to wiping down the shelves.
“So how have things been since the cuddling?” Jordan pushes. Obviously, the group chat with our friends heard all about that, but I don’t need him bringing it up right now. Maybe I should stop telling my friends every little detail of my life?
Nah. Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t last a week without that attention.
So what if I like the reminder that they all genuinely care about me and want to know about my life beyond how I can help make theirs easier? It took a long time for me to trust that they actually wanted that, and I think it’s a completely typical validation to crave.
“They have been perfectly normal, thank you for asking. He was in town for a few days after that night, and he was his usual ideal roommate self, walking around here shirtless, cleaning, having his chef make me food. Then he went out of town for the away games and got back late last night.”
“I just don’t think most straight guys platonically cuddle their gay roommates. Are you sure he isn’t at least a little into you? Do you guys ever talk when he’s out of town?”
“We’re friends, Jordan, of course we talk. I talk to you every day too. It doesn’t mean anything.” His mouth is all twisted like he’s fighting a smirk, so I narrow my eyes and glare at him. “I’m serious, Jordan. Stop trying to read into things that aren’t there.”
“Sure, sure. But one more question.”
I roll my eyes. “Fine.”
“Are you the one texting him first?”
Am I? I haven’t really thought about it, so I pause my cleaning to pull out my phone and scroll up through our thread from the last few days.
He met his date at the restaurant so he texted me a selfie when he got there and was waiting.
This morning he asked if I wanted him to pick up anything on his way home after his practice.
When he was out of town, I texted some comments about their game, congratulating him on his goal in the first and checking in after he took a nasty hit in the second.
Earlier in the day, he told me about his lunch, and before that about how the hotel room bed was way less comfortable than the one in my apartment.
“Scrolling pretty far there,” he mutters.
“Shut up. I guess he does send a lot of the first messages, but that doesn't mean he’ll suddenly decide he wants more than friendship from me. That man is trying to get remarried and have kids as soon as possible. He isn’t looking to have some sort of sexual awakening.
” I’m honestly still surprised he even wants to be as close of friends as we’ve become in so little time.
“You would be an excellent parent.”
I let out a sigh before answering with my signature false confidence. “Obviously, I will one day. But Hudson is looking for a wife.”
“If you say so.”
“I do.” I return to my cleaning and attempt to move on to a safer-for-me topic. “So what about you, any news on your dating life?”
Jordan snorts. “No.”
Yeah, right. “But haven’t you been hanging out with—”
“Don’t.”
“Why is the fridge empty?” Hudson asks, interrupting my interrogation. I’m half inside the damn thing, scrubbing the back, and I bang my head into the shelf above me when I jump in surprise at the sound of his voice.
“Holy shit, are you okay?” He rushes over, arms hesitantly outstretched like he wants to touch me, but isn’t sure if he should. “I’m sorry if I surprised you. I thought you would have heard me come in.”
I stand up straight, rubbing the back of my head, but I wave him off. “I’m fine. Why are you back so early though?”
“The date was so awkward. At first I thought it was okay, normal small talk awkwardness, but after I mentioned my job she completely shut down.”
“Did you not mention your job before tonight?” I gawk.
He shakes his head. “I didn’t want to lead with what I do online because I’m trying to avoid someone only wanting to date me for the status, but maybe that was a mistake.
She was so nervous after that, no matter how many questions I asked, she kept giving one word answers.
And the few times she did try to say more, I ended up talking at the same time because I wasn’t expecting it.
I don’t know, I guess I wasn't anticipating that I’d feel like a teenager on his first date again. ”
Be supportive, I remind myself. I should not be so fucking relieved to hear he had a bad date. “Ugh, I’m sorry it was such a waste of time. I’m sure they won’t all be like that.”
Jordan stands. “Sorry you had a rough night, Hudson. Thanks for having me over, A, but I have an early interview tomorrow so I’m going to head back.”
“Shit, did I interrupt something?” Hudson asks, looking between Jordan and me. “Don’t go on my account. You’re Jordan, right? I think we’ve probably met, but I know Adrian’s talked about you, and I feel like I’ve seen you around with him and Beckett Caldwell at work.”
“Yeah, I’m Jordan, nice to see you again. And you didn’t interrupt anything. As exciting as watching Adrian clean has been, I really do need to go.”
I’m sure it has nothing to do with his incorrect theory that Hudson might see me as more than a friend or me wanting to pry about his dating life. “Byyyye,” I call out as he leaves.
I do want to give Hudson my full attention though, so I cut my cleaning short, moving things back into the fridge as quickly as I can, attempting to be the supportive friend I know he needs right now as I do.
“I think the next one will go smoother; everyone is bound to have one rough date. It sounds like you got the bad one out of the way early. Have you been talking to anyone else on the app while you were out of town?”
Hudson takes Jordan’s seat at the counter, slouching in the chair.
“Yeah, I’ve sent a couple of messages to people, but I don’t think I’m as excited about any of them as I’d like to be.
And it’s such a slow process getting to know someone entirely new.
I feel like I’m so far away from having the future I want.
” He looks so defeated. All I want to do is hug him, but I’m also still kind of in my head about touching him after the cuddling the other night, so I stay on the other side of the counter even after I put my cleaning supplies away.
“You’re only thirty-four, right? You have time.”
“Yeah, I guess.” He lets out a big sigh. “Have I ever told you about my dad?”