Chapter 13 Hudson
HUDSON
“Who are you texting?” Ollie asks as he takes his seat next to me on the plane. He’s been sitting there on our flights all season—we won again tonight against Florida—and with how many games we’ve won now, neither of us is going to stray from any of our routines.
“Adrian. I sent him a picture of that cute dog we saw this morning, so we’ve been talking about pets all day. Can you believe he’s never had one?”
He nods. “I can, he doesn’t seem like a pet person. Are you still living together?”
Not a pet person? Adrian would be an excellent pet parent. Ollie just doesn’t know him as well as I do. That thought makes me feel a little more smug than it probably should. “Yeah, I’m still living with him,” I finally answer. “But I did finally reach out to my realtor about finding my own place.”
“Really? Did something happen between you two?”
I laugh at the thought of Adrian and me fighting. I don’t see that ever happening. “No, nothing like that. Adrian is the perfect roommate, and I love spending my downtime with him. I’m not in a hurry to stop living together. But he did help me set some new goals for my future.”
“Oh yeah? Are you going to keep playing?”
I can’t help but laugh again at how hopeful he sounds. “No, you know I’m retiring.”
“I know you keep saying that, but it doesn’t mean I’m giving up hope you’ll change your mind.”
“Sorry, man, this really is my last year.”
We have to pause to listen to the safety briefing before the plane takes off, but when we’re settled and in the air, he continues. “So what’s the new goal then?”
“Adrian and I were talking about what I want the most for my future, especially with me retiring. You know I’ve been trying out dating apps, and even had that one awkward date, but he helped me realize that as much as I’d like to get remarried one day, the thing I want the most is to be a parent.
So I’m shifting my focus. If I meet someone, cool, but I’m going to put less pressure on myself about it and go after what I really want.
I’ve been looking into the application process for adoption. ”
“No way. That’s awesome! I can’t imagine having kids anytime soon, but I can totally see it for you. You’re going to be such a great dad.”
I light up at his compliment. It’s really the best one he could give me. “Thanks. I figure that I’ll need to have a safe, stable home to raise kids in, so I asked my agent to try to find something with at least three bedrooms.”
“Where are you looking?”
“The same neighborhood I’m in now. It’s really grown on me.”
Ollie smirks. “Is it the neighborhood? Or the people?”
I roll my eyes. Ollie hasn’t dropped the idea that Adrian and I might be more than just friends despite our big talk about it. “Obviously having Adrian as a neighbor will be nice, but I really do like the area too.”
“Sure.”
Ollie might not believe me, but I think it’ll be the perfect place to raise kids.
There are multiple playgrounds that are walkable, green spaces, a library, and there are a lot of families that live on his block.
The restaurant we love to order from has a huge kids’ menu, and I always see families eating in the dine-in area.
“Does Adrian want kids?” he asks.
I try to think if he’s ever mentioned wanting them. “I’m not sure.”
“Interesting.”
“Why is that interesting?”
“I just thought that would come up if you guys were having a heart-to-heart about your future and how much you want to be a dad.” He shrugs before he continues.
“The first thing I said when you talked about adopting was that I can’t imagine having kids.
Adrian isn’t exactly shy. It’s interesting that he wouldn’t have said if he wants any. ”
I disagree about it being out of character. Despite his very outgoing and friendly attitude, Adrian doesn’t freely offer personal details about himself like that. Still, it does worry me a bit about how I’ve been approaching trying to get him to open up to me. Maybe I do need to be more direct.
“Are you saying I’m a shitty friend because Adrian is always so supportive of me, and I should ask him more about himself?”
Ollie laughs, then he leans in, speaking quietly enough that no one else will hear us over the loud sound of the plane.
“No, I don’t think you’re a shitty friend.
But I’ve seen the way you look at him, Hudson.
I know you think I’m teasing you about him, and I mostly am.
But my questions a few weeks ago about there being more between you two weren’t just because he’s gay.
You always light up when you talk about him, you just said he’s the perfect roommate, and you don’t want to move away from him.
I’m just wondering if there’s a chance you might be overlooking how you feel about him because you’ve never been with a man before. ”
I shake my head, but I’m not sure how to respond.
That night when we were cuddling on the couch immediately comes to mind, and how I thought about kissing him.
But that was a onetime thing. And it’s not like I actually kissed him.
It was a passing thought. I’m surprised I even still remember having it.
“I’m just wondering if he’s being careful not to make any comments that might sound like he’s suggesting you want the same things in life,” Ollie continues quietly.
“As the openly gay man living with his assumingly straight friend, he’s probably afraid to say or do anything that could sound like he’s suggesting there could be more between you.
If you ever did want that, you should be the one to say something.
Don’t hope that he’ll make the first move. He won’t.”
He sits back up all the way in his seat, returning to his normal volume. “And that’s all I’ll say on the subject, too. Unless you ever want to talk, then I’m more than happy to.”
My first instinct is to dismiss his suggestion. Laugh it off as the teasing I’ve been treating it as. But he sounded more serious than I think I’ve ever heard him be outside of hockey. Still, there’s no way this guy, who’s barely even allowed in a bar, would know more about my feelings than I do.
I don’t want there to be more between Adrian and me.
Right?
I try to move on by pulling out my phone, but I’m blankly staring at whatever app muscle memory opened.
I’m stuck on what Ollie said. How do I look at Adrian?
I’m sure I look happy, the same way I do with all my friends.
He’s a great guy, of course I’m happy to see him.
But that doesn’t mean I want to date him.
Right?
Why am I not confident in my answers to these questions? Does the fact that I’m questioning it at all mean something?
“Hey, thanks? I think,” I belatedly respond to Ollie, painfully aware of how awkward I’m being. “I definitely wasn’t expecting the conversation to go there. But I appreciate you wanting to support me. Adrian really is just my friend, though.”
Why does that sound like a lie?
“If you say so,” he agrees, smirking.
Ollie pulls out his phone too, opening up the same gaming app he usually does on flights, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
Adrian is one of my favorite people, and there’s no denying that.
I’m always happier in his presence. He’s got one of those infectious personalities where it’s impossible to do anything but smile when you’re near him because he makes everything more fun.
Even if something bad happens, his over-the-top reaction usually gets a smile out of me, and then before there’s even time to worry about whatever the problem is, he has a plan and is working to fix it.
I feel calmer when I’m with him. I know if he’s around, I have nothing to worry about. We do like a lot of the same things too. And hanging out with him is so easy. Even if we’re not doing anything exciting, I enjoy spending time together, being in his company.
Who wouldn’t? He’s confident, funny, smart, and so supportive.
Fuck.
That sounds like a pretty ideal partner. I already know I love living with him.
Do I like Adrian?
Is Ollie right? Have I been overlooking how I feel about him because he’s a man? I’ve never been with a guy. I’ve never wanted to. Other than when I thought about kissing Adrian. But… if I wanted to kiss him, that probably did mean more than I was ready to examine in the moment.
Am I ready now?
I think about what might have happened if I’d given into that thought, if I’d leaned in and brought my mouth to his. Would he have kissed me back? Would he have been surprised, maybe shy about it? If he did want to kiss me, would it have been a short, sweet moment?
No. I snort a laugh picturing Adrian being timid in any situation.
He’d probably take control and show me exactly what he likes.
It’s easy to picture him shifting positions so he was straddling me on his couch, one hand holding my jaw so he could angle me how he wanted, the other in my hair…
And I’m not hating this imagined scenario.
I’m actually enjoying it a little too much for the public plane I’m currently on.
Shit, I need to stop thinking about him like that.
I shift in my seat, readjusting my suddenly hard cock, pretending to be repositioning how I’m sitting so I can sleep.
I know I won’t be able to now that I’m having all these new realizations about Adrian, though. Well about myself, really.
I’m not sure what these new thoughts mean.
I’m not upset at all about potentially being attracted to a man. I’ve always tried to support the LGBTQIA+ community in any way that I can. Was there more to that than wanting to be a good ally?
I don’t want to get ahead of myself though.
If I actually do have more than friendship feelings about Adrian, I need to decide what to do with that information, if I even want to do anything at all.
I don’t want to risk losing our friendship if I decide to make a move and he doesn’t feel the same way.
Or maybe I’m just lonely, and I would confuse a friendship with anyone as more because I’m so desperate for that connection right now.
I think I need to be patient, which isn’t exactly a strong suit for me, but I think I need to try.
I can see how things go when we’re back in the same city, see if I really do like him as more than a friend after I’ve had some time to acknowledge it as a possibility to myself.
Then if I do, I can pay more attention to how he acts around me and make a more educated guess on if he would even be interested.
Maybe I can casually ask if he wants kids.