Chapter 17 Hudson
HUDSON
“Oh my god, and with how attractive you are, all the gay men in Chicago are going to lose it when you do announce,” Adrian says to Ollie, obviously still excited to find out that the Werewolves will have their first out player.
Might not be the only queer player, I think for the tenth time since they started this conversation.
Ollie is young, but he already knows who he is and is confident in his sexuality.
It’s been clear since he came out to me that he has no desire to remain in the closet for the entirety of his career.
His position is different than mine, I remind myself.
I only have a few months left, and then I’ll be out of the spotlight.
Then I might have the space to figure things out.
I’m still not sure if my newfound infatuation could lead to something more, and I certainly don’t have the mental energy to dedicate to figuring everything out right now.
I’m in the middle of trying to purchase a home so I can apply to become an adoptive parent. That needs to be my focus.
I’m happy for Ollie that he ended up playing for a team that will obviously support him, and I’m happy for Adrian that he’ll get to be a part of that significant moment for the team. I should be happy right now.
Even if I am feeling a little left out. I’m not sure if they even remember I’m here at this point with how intensely they’re staring at each other as they quietly chat about what time of the season might be the best to bring on that sort of press attention.
But it’s hard for me to focus on anything other than how they’re smiling at each other.
Adrian just pointed out how attractive he thinks Ollie is. Does he feel the same way about Adrian?
No. I’m being ridiculous. Ollie is the one who’s encouraged me to consider my real feelings for Adrian.
He wouldn’t make a move himself. They’re just bonding over their mutual excitement.
Ollie is probably thrilled that he came out to someone else and that it was met with so much enthusiastic support.
Still, these two should probably tone down the eye contact before I do something really stupid like pull Adrian onto my lap.
I’ve never had the urge to stake a claim like that on someone before.
But between seeing him with Ollie right now, where someone could easily jump to conclusions about the two of them if they paid any attention to how into each other they look, and earlier with Anderson, overhearing their flirting and promised texting, I can’t sit here and pretend like I’m not annoyed.
And let’s be honest—annoyed isn’t the right word.
I’m jealous. I want Adrian to be paying that much attention to me.
I want to be the one he’s leaning over the table to talk to, the one he can’t look away from.
I want to be the one he’s making plans to go to bakeries with.
I invited him tonight because I wanted to spend time with him, and now that’s backfired as I’m forced to sit here and pretend like everything is fine while he flirts with my friends.
I don’t think I’ve ever been a particularly jealous person before. But now that I’ve admitted to myself that I have complicated feelings for Adrian, I'm realizing my plan to not act on them might not have been as simple as I expected.
The thought of Adrian and Ollie sitting here laughing together, bonding, shouldn’t make me jealous. I should be happy for my friends that they have other friends, other support systems in place outside of me. Being jealous is just a waste of my time and energy.
Adrian has no idea I’ve had any thoughts about being with him, and even if he did, even if he might want to give more with me a chance, he’s not going to sit around and wait for me to figure out what it is I actually want.
He deserves better. Someone who has their shit together like he does, who’s confident in who they are, who can proudly claim him as their partner, who knows how lucky they are to be with him.
I can’t be that person right now.
So I have no right to be this jealous about him talking to other guys I don’t even think are interested in him. I force a smile that hopefully looks more genuine than it feels and remind myself that I really am glad Adrian is here.
“So did Hudson tell you about the house he put in an offer on?” he asks Ollie, finally pulling my attention back to their conversation.
“No. Dude, what the fuck? That’s a big deal, why didn’t you say something?”
“We only toured it today. It’s not like I was keeping it from you intentionally.”
Adrian turns to smile at me, and the warmth in his expression finally relaxes that on-edge feeling I couldn’t shake. “It was gorgeous though. I really hope you get it.”
“Wait, you went on the tour?” Ollie cuts in, and I nod before Adrian can say anything. “And you guys think I’m the one who’s going to start rumors about you two?” He laughs. “Look in the mirror.”
“Apparently, Hudson trusts his realtor.”
“I do,” I insist. They both look at me skeptically, but Adrian moves onto describing the house in detail.
Ollie seems interested enough, and we all spend another hour or so talking about Adrian’s plans for it if they accept my offer.
They should, it was well above asking. I wasn’t about to risk not getting it after how much Adrian and I both loved it so much.
Adrian yawns for the third time, and I decide enough’s enough. “Alright, Prince, time to get you home for your beauty sleep.”
He mockingly glares at me. “I don’t need beauty sleep. I always look amazing.”
“That’s true.” I hold up my hands in surrender, he probably thinks I’m joking, but I mean it. “Even your bedhead looks better than my styled hair.”
“Why do you know what his bedhead looks like?” Ollie whines. “How do you not see how much you two act like a couple?”
I laugh, shrugging, and Adrian rolls his eyes. “I am pretty tired though. Are you staying out?” he checks, and Ollie nods so we exchange quick goodbyes.
I want to take Adrian’s hand again, but now that I’m less distracted by irrational jealousy, I realize that’s probably not the smartest move as I leave a crowded public place with him.
Still, I walk with him all the way to his car.
“See you at home.” I wave as he gets into it, waiting until he shuts his door to turn around and walk back toward the bar since I parked in the opposite direction.
“Did you seriously walk me to my car for no reason again?” he calls out of his open window.
“Wanting you to be safe is a pretty good reason,” I call back over my shoulder with a laugh as I hear him groan.
I assume he heads home after that, so I jump a little at his voice as his big SUV pulls up next to me on the street. “I am perfectly capable of keeping myself safe.”
I nod. “I know you are. But that doesn’t mean you should have to do it on your own.”
He grumbles something as he rolls up his window, and I can’t quite hear what it is over the sounds of the city, but it makes me laugh again. Even when he’s frustrated, it’s so cute.
Ugh. Everything he does is cute. How does he have such a strong hold on me when I went years without thinking about him or even any other man this way?
But there’s no denying he does. I wouldn't say I’m suddenly really attracted to all men in general.
Looking back, maybe there were some men that I was drawn to more than others, and I assumed it was in a “we’d get along well as friends” kind of way, but now that I’ve opened the door to my—would it be called a crush?
—there’s no stopping it. I’m drawn to who Adrian is as a person, and because of that, I think I’m noticing things about him physically that I wouldn’t normally.
I spend the walk to my car thinking about his smile, and I spend the drive home remembering how he lit up each room on the tour today. How he made the house feel like a home.
When I get back to his place, Adrian is waiting with a cup of water for me before he says goodnight and disappears into his room.
I want to follow him.
My room is before his in the hall, and I stand there, staring at the gap of his door that isn’t shut all the way for longer than I’d care to admit.
My imagination runs wild. What if he left it open on purpose?
What if he wanted me to follow him? Would I even need to say anything, or would Adrian immediately know why I’m there, taking my entering his space as permission to cross that line of more than friends my mind has been stuck on?
My body heats as I picture it: Adrian letting out a relieved “Finally.” I’m too tall for him to kiss, but maybe he’d push me until the backs of my knees hit his bed.
He couldn’t actually push me around, but I’d go willingly, falling back so that he could climb into my lap, straddling me before he’d grab my face and bring our mouths together in a desperate kiss.
Fuck, that’s hot. My cock is already aching, and I finally force myself to leave the hallway where I’m standing like a creep with an erection staring at his room.
As I enter mine, I can’t bring myself to shut the door all the way, leaving it open a couple inches, just like his was.
Striping out of my clothes, I leave the lights off and give my hard dick a couple of lazy strokes, groaning at how amazing even that feels with how turned on I am right now.
It’s been so long since I’ve been with anyone, even just picturing Adrian has me far more desperate than it probably should.
I grab lube from my nightstand before I climb onto the bed, not bothering to get under the duvet as I lay back and prop up on some of Adrian’s endless pillows.
It’s almost like I’m surrounded by him. The luxurious blanket, the comfortable bed, the mountain of decorative pillows, it all reminds me of Adrian.
As if I need the reminder when he’s all I seem to be able to think about tonight.
I can’t look away from that sliver of light coming from the hall, and I coat my hand in lube before returning it to my erection.
I honestly can’t remember the last time I was this hard, this desperate for release, but I still take my time, using long, slow strokes as I stare into the hall where I know his door is also open.
Logically, I know he’s probably asleep by now with how tired he was.
I’ve never heard a sound from his room, and he could have a noise machine or something that would prevent him from hearing me.
But still, my cock leaks as I think about the possibility that he could hear the unmistakable sound of me jerking off.
I shouldn’t be doing this. Not so openly with him on the other side of the wall, both of our doors open.
But I can’t stop. It only sends a jolt of pleasure down my spine as I wonder how he’d react.
Back to daydreaming now, I imagine him being just as turned on as I am.
That he’d want to investigate and would take the open door as the invitation that it is.
I might not be ready to make a move with him. But if the situation came up without me really making that decision…
It’s easy to picture him pushing the door open and turning on the lights, catching me with my dick in my hand.
In my fantasy, he wouldn't be shy about it or embarrassed.
If anything, I can picture him making a comment about how big my cock is or asking if I needed any help, following a cheesy porn script like he accused me of doing when I was flirting with him.
Holy shit, I’m so close already. I don’t want to stop thinking about this fake scenario, but each stroke is sending me dangerously close to the edge.
I imagine him warning me against getting his bedspread dirty and offering to let me finish in his mouth to prevent any mess.
The thought of his full lips wrapping around my cock, imagining how amazing his mouth would feel after so much time on my own, is too much, and I can’t hold off my release any longer.
My orgasm crashes into me. I come harder than I can remember from a solo session in years, and my cum coats my stomach and chest as I ride out that high. Luckily it avoids the bedding.
That was so hot.
Maybe I should be embarrassed now that I’ve come down from that lust-filled state of mind. But I’m not. I just lay here, mind still half in that fantasy. It wasn’t anything too explicit as far as being with another man goes, but Adrian was definitely the star of it all, and I obviously enjoyed it.
I think I need to spend some time learning a bit more about what being with another man would actually be like. It’s easy to picture someone else touching my dick or being on the receiving end of a blow job when those are things I’ve experienced before.
But if I truly want to consider a relationship with another man, I need to be all in on trying out new things that I haven’t done before.
Would I be willing to be the one with a cock in my mouth?
Would I be willing to put one inside my ass?
I can’t say I’m begging for the opportunity, but since I haven’t done either, I don’t think I can say I’d hate it for sure either.
Being hypothetically willing to try has to count for something, right?
I finally sit up and grab a towel that’s hung up on the back of the closet door, and pause. The cum covering me needs to be cleaned up, it’s already starting to dry, but I stop myself from making any attempt and wrap the towel around my waist instead.
This is stupid. I know that. But it doesn’t stop me from chasing that thrill again of knowing Adrian might catch me doing something I should be keeping private. The idea of something happening between us that would force me to confront how I’m feeling.
I step into the hallway, covered in my own release, and my heart is racing.
I’ve never been turned on by the idea of being caught doing something sexual before, so I think it’s just an Adrian thing.
I take my time walking to the bathroom down the hall and am disappointed when he doesn’t suddenly appear.
I don’t shut the bathroom door all the way before my shower, and it’s thrilling, picturing how easy it would be for him to walk in.
I know I shouldn’t make a habit of it, but as I walk back to my room, I don’t even bother to use the towel to cover up, opting to go completely naked through the hallway.
It doesn’t matter though. Adrian is probably asleep and will never know I’m suddenly desperate for him to see me naked, even if I’m still processing the rest of what being with him would look like.