Chapter 34
ADRIAN
Ithink Hudson might have fallen asleep while I was in my bathroom getting cleaned up and grabbing a warm washcloth. I’d wanted to draw a bath for him, but maybe not. I plug in my phone and move his to a wireless charger on my nightstand before climbing back onto the bed with him.
He doesn’t stir. I think he’d appreciate not waking up with dried cum in his chest hair, though, so I gently clean him up. When I’m done, I realize he’s blinking up at me with hooded eyes, looking like he’s still half asleep with a big smile on his face.
“Hey, Charming.”
I’ve always loved his silly nicknames for me, but right now, after that, I’m even happier to hear him use it. “Hey, Hudson.”
“That was amazing,” he says in a dreamy tone that has my heart aching even more for this perfect man. I can’t help myself, and I lean down for another kiss that he eagerly accepts.
I have no idea what his expectations for the rest of the night are, but he seems pretty blissed out, and if there’s any chance he’s going to crash after this, I hope he isn’t alone. Maybe I can convince him to sleep in here tonight. That’s totally a thing hookups do, right?
Friends with benefits can definitely include cuddle benefits in my opinion.
“Do you want to stay in here? Or…?” I trail off as he tugs me closer to him.
“Shhh. Come to bed.”
Well, I’m not arguing with that. I pull the duvet over us, and Hudson wraps his arms around me as I settle in next to him. “Do you need me to set an alarm for you?” I ask before I let myself completely give in to just how comfortable I am, how perfect this moment is.
“Nah, it’s set,” he mumbles into my hair.
His strong arm around my waist settles something inside me that I didn’t even realize was on alert.
I always feel so comfortable in his presence, but this is a whole new level.
Usually, I spend quite a lot of time fantasizing about a dream version of my life to help me relax my mind enough to sleep, but tonight, reality is even better.
And with the star of my fantasies in my bed, I’m asleep in no time at all.
Hudson must have been exhausted, because he sleeps through my alarm, me slipping out of his hold where he was still wrapped around me, and my entire morning routine.
I’m usually the first person in the office, and as much as I would have loved to hit the snooze button to stay with Hudson this morning, I knew that would only make things harder.
We didn’t get a chance to set any boundaries last night about what either of us is expecting going forward. I didn’t need to pretend like us cuddling meant more than it did. Hudson and I have cuddled in the past without it meaning anything, and that was way before anything ever happened between us.
Although, now that I know he isn’t as straight as I’d previously assumed, I guess I have no idea what it meant to him…
We definitely need to talk as soon as possible. I have meetings all day, and even though I know Hudson is in the building for his practice and workouts and a whole lot of other things throughout the day, our paths don’t cross.
Hudson has a PR photoshoot scheduled late in the afternoon that I know will take a while, so I actually beat him home.
I’m glad to have some time to consider everything that I’d like to say to him.
All day I’ve been thinking about what last night could have meant.
I’ve tried to focus on all the reasons Hudson and I have to not be together as a reminder to not let my fantasies take control.
I want to stay busy as I’m thinking things through, so I start to cook some of the chicken that Hudson’s chef prepared for us. Some of the meals he makes are meant to be reheated quickly, but others have short cooking instructions, and I opt for one that requires me to grill the chicken.
There’s a possibility he wanted it to be a onetime thing, that he wanted someone safe to have his first time with, and as much as I would be disappointed if that were the case, I think we could still move on from that as friends. I could be happy that I got to be that person for him.
I’m having a harder time wrapping my mind around what else it could mean though, what his expectations are if he wants to do it again.
What I would even want it to mean. I’ve been fantasizing about Hudson for so long as someone I could never have, and now that I’ve had him, a very big part of me feels like it isn’t even real.
How do I shift those fantasy thoughts to reality when I’ve been telling myself for so long that there was no possibility of us ever being together?
As much as I want to be prepared for the conversation, it was clear last night that I can’t predict what Hudson wants, so it’s probably best to just wait and see what he actually says when he gets home soon.
I try to focus on cooking, flipping the chicken when I’m supposed to. I jump, nearly throwing the tongs I was using as Hudson wraps his arms around me from behind and places a kiss on my neck.
“Oh my god! I need to put a bell on you or something!” I shriek.
He chuckles right into my ear, placing another kiss on my neck before he says, “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to be quiet.” One of his hands moves under my shirt, pushing it up to splay his hand over my stomach, moving up to my chest like he wants to touch all of me and can’t decide where to focus.
He goes back to kissing my neck, moving up and down, across my jawline, before focusing on my pulse point and sucking lightly.
“What are you doing?” I ask, already sounding breathy.
“Kissing you.” He places another kiss on my neck. “Touching you.” His other hand moves lower to cup my growing erection over my pants. “Is that okay?”
Is it? I know I had been set on us talking… but that was before his hand was on my dick.
Ugh, but he’s probably never touched another man’s cock before either, and we do really need to talk about what this means if we’re going to keep doing it.
We should be responsible, even if the voice in my head is chanting that we should get off together again first.
“Wait,” I groan, gently pulling his hands away.
“Shit, is that not okay?” he asks, immediately stepping back and sounding horrified. “I thought that after last night…” He trails off, so I step in.
“Exactly. We need to talk about last night before we do anything else.”
He looks a little worried, but agrees. “Okay.”
“It isn’t a bad thing,” I assure him. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. I made us both food. We can eat and talk if that works for you?”
“Sure.”
Hudson sets the table and gets us both water while I finish preparing dinner. It isn’t long before we’re seated across from each other, Hudson staring at me expectantly, completely ignoring his food.
It seems like he’s waiting for me, so I go for it. “So, I was going to start by asking if you wanted to have anything happen between us again, but based on that greeting, I’m guessing you were thinking it wasn’t a onetime thing?”
He looks a little embarrassed. “Can I be totally honest?”
I snort a laugh. “I really hope so. That’s kind of the point of this conversation.”
That gets him to smile, and he rolls his eyes. “Okay. If we’re being completely honest, I was kind of hoping that last night meant we were together now.”
My jaw drops open; I can’t help it. I know Hudson has been a bit codependent since he moved in, and he was going through so much, so I was happy to go along with it. But still, I wasn’t expecting him to think one hookup somehow meant we were, what? Boyfriends?
“Like together, together? Like you want to date me?” I check, not sure if I understood that correctly.
“Yes, I want to date you. But I wasn’t expecting you to look so horrified by that idea. Can you please keep talking?” he anxiously asks.
“Oh, shit, sorry. Not horrified,” I rush to assure him.
“I’m just surprised. I mean, last night was the first time you ever did anything with a man, right?
” He nods. All the reasons I’ve been focused on today about why Hudson and I shouldn’t be together as I was trying to prepare myself for his rejection flash through my mind once more, and maybe I was a little too focused on them, because I can’t seem to move past it.
I’ve fantasized about this man for so long.
I should be thrilled right now, jumping at the opportunity to really be with him…
But when things seem to be too good to be true, in my experience, they are.
“I guess with everything else going on, I had just assumed this conversation would be about setting up boundaries for some sort of friends-with-benefits situation where you could have your first experiences with a man, not a relationship…” I trail off, unsure of what I really want anymore.
“Everything else going on?” he repeats as a question.
“Well, you’re still in the NHL. A public relationship with a man would be a huge deal for your career,” I remind him. “And even if you ignore that, you’re fresh off a divorce, and you haven’t even had a chance to live on your own yet.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, thinking through our time together, all the lines that were blurred when I thought he was straight.
“I joked around with you about treating me like I was Shelby’s replacement, but there was some truth in that.
From the very beginning, we’ve basically acted like a couple, minus the physical benefits, at least when we were alone together.
It was one thing when I thought you were straight, but now you’re saying you want us to be together, I don’t know… ”
He shakes his head. “What does Shelby have to do with us? I’m saying that I want to be with you, Adrian.”
I groan. “Fuck. Hudson, you have no idea how many times I’ve thought about being with you. Believe me, I am furious with myself right now for not jumping at the opportunity, but—”
“So don’t say ‘but.’ Jump at the opportunity,” he suggests with his pleading charismatic smile that I can never say no to.