27. Lizzy
twenty-seven
Lizzy
Two nights before Christmas
"The coast is clear. Open your door," Rose said instead of knocking.
I leaned forward to set my laptop on my bedside table, my muscles and joints stiff from sitting with terrible posture against my headboard. With awkward rigid steps, I crossed my room.
She held a plate on the other side of the door piled high with chocolate chip and snickerdoodle cookies. For hours, enticing smells had seeped into my room, just like it did every year. I'd considered going into the garage to help Dad, but then I heard Will heading that way.
Instead, I watched Christmas specials of my favorite TV shows and texted Shay. She relayed that Lawrence was more withdrawn than usual. I'd had to tell her what had happened the day before. Rose was lucky there was a storm keeping Shay at her parents. But she wasn't holding back her angry texts. I didn't stop her. She was protective. With Rose and Lawrence's past, she had reason to be.
God only knew the hell Shay was giving him.
Rose and I were healing our relationship. But it was still clear she didn't know what she was doing. I didn't understand why she wouldn't be with him. They seemed like they were still in love.
But then, I could see myself loving Will and I'd taken a step back.
Doing scary things was hard.
"Cookie?" She held the plate directly under my nose. As if I could have said no.
I peeked down the hall around her shoulder. "How do you feel about grabbing a glass of milk?"
"Thermos under my arm."
I moved to make room for her to enter. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." Her eyes swept over the periwinkle walls and bedroom furniture I'd chosen in high school. Including my desk with my color coded sticky notes and pens. "So, your taste is the same."
I rolled my eyes. "I'm here temporarily."
"I guess I could have a time capsule room if I'd stayed closer to home too."
"Would you want one?" The cookie was still warm when I picked it up off the plate. The chocolate dripped in my mouth.
"No."
"Me either."
She snorted. "Then why are you here?"
"Do you know these people don't charge rent? They make me call them Mom and Dad, but free-living, are you kidding me?"
It was so good to make her laugh. It had been a weird week of emotional ups and downs. But in all of that, this had happened. My heart was more broken than it should have been. Yet my sister was bringing me cookies and laughing at my jokes. Ups and downs.
"That sounds pretty good." She picked up a snickerdoodle and held out her hand for me to pass the thermos of milk. "How long do you think you'll live here?"
"I'm not sure. My business is doing okay, actually."
"That's outstanding!" She beamed at me with crumbs at the corners of her mouth. "I was so impressed when I heard you were doing this. It takes guts."
"It was a big change."
"I wasn't disappointed to hear your ex wouldn't be around."
"I always wondered if you hated him."
"Kinda. He just never seemed to realize how cool you are."
"You think I'm cool?"
"The coolest." She nodded to the floor. Neither of us could look at one another with so much subtext. I was about to change the subject when she blurted, "I'm sorry."
My jaw slackened. "What?"
"For…the past eight years—"
"That wasn't just you," I said, but she kept going.
"—for not telling you I was thinking of schools out of state. For making you out to be a…loser." She turned her head, looking right into my eyes. "You're not. I was so angry and jealous of anyone who got to hang out with you. And I took it out on you. I'm really sorry."
The tender wounds of my heart were a little less painful under the salve of her words. "I'm sorry too. I wish I had been less selfish and more understanding. I get it now, how you needed to grow without me."
She made a hmm sound. "I don't want to grow alone anymore."
It felt corny to wrap my arms around her shoulders. To lean into her hug for the healing nature of it. I gave her support just as much as I received hers.
Pulling away, we both wiped fingertips under our eyes and laughed.
I jerked my head toward my laptop. "I was just about to watch the New Girl episode where they yell at the rich neighborhood and Nick misses his flight."
"Turn on the lights!" she quoted.
"Yes, exactly!"
She scooted back on the bed in a similar position I'd just been in, leaving room for me to sit next to her. "Can we watch the one with all the Christmas parties after?"
"The one where Winston might still believe in Santa?"
"Yes!"
We were halfway through the first episode—the plate of cookies devoured—when Dad and Will's voice carried from the kitchen to my room. I couldn't make out what they were talking about, but just the sound of Will's voice was enough to make my chest ache and my blood to heat.
"You, okay?" Rose asked.
I nodded, even though I didn't feel okay.
She paused the show. "You wanna tell me your side?"
I made a disgusted sound. Setting my laptop on the mattress by our feet, I shifted to face her. "So, Will and I had discussed dating privately when you two are done with…you know."
She rolled her eyes and nodded.
"I thought I could get past, like, how public your lives are. Or I just kinda assumed I wouldn't be interesting. But that photo of us shopping..."
"Gotcha. I can see how that violates your privacy. You don't even have an Insta, do you? I can never find you when I look."
"You look for me?"
"Of course. I mean, Mom and Dad give me updates, but they only know what parents know. They don't know you like Shay does. They don't know you the way I want to know you. So, I look for you sometimes just to get a different glimpse of your life."
A sad smile tilted my lips. "I had to force myself to stop checking your profiles. It wasn't easy."
"I get it."
"Anyway, that photo freaked me out. You know what I'm like. I hate attention, especially from strangers. I was all wrapped up in weird anxiety and then I told him I wasn't even willing to try a relationship. Which sucks even more because he's here for the next week and a half."
"He looked for flights, but the storm."
I flinched. A dull ache started at the base of my skull. "He's leaving?"
"He was thinking about it. Would you be disappointed if he did?"
“Probably."
She looked at me out of the corner of her eye, one eyebrow raised.
"Yeah," I admitted, "I would."
"Do you wanna talk to him?"
"I don't know if I should." If only the answer could be the simple yes, I wanted it to be, but it wasn't. "I was so uncomfortable, and I just wanted to hide."
She chewed on her lower lip. "It just sucks, because it doesn't happen often. But one time was enough for you, I get that. It just amps up when things happen. We announced our relationship, so there are more eyes on us. When we breakup, it's going to happen. If you two announce you're dating—"
"If you get the show," I interjected.
" If we get the show," she conceded. "That's a big if . You're still my sister. It might happen when you're with me."
"That's a good point." The prospect of the two of us just hanging out filled me with so much joy.
"Speaking of…" She crossed her legs to her side, angling herself in my direction. "I have something I want you to think about."
"Okay…"
Her words fell out as if they were running downhill. "I have a spare room, and I want you to move into it."
"You do?" My grin was so big.
"I've really liked this. I don't want to pause reconnecting. You said living here was temporary, anyway. If you just pay for your own food, and your expenses. I'll cover everything else. You won't even have to call me Mom and Dad."
I snorted. It was surreal. A week ago, I would have felt grateful just to have her acknowledge my existence. I could never have expected this. "Okay, I'll move in with you."
Her smile was all teeth. It reminded me of our childhood Christmas mornings. "You don't want to think about it or anything?"
"No."
"Well, good."
"Good." I pictured what living with her would be like—spending time together, learning about each other again, fighting like sisters. I felt good. Right.
Even if I might be included in the friendly fire of fan’s photos. I wouldn't trade the chance to have her in my life for that.
A thought took shape, startling in its clarity. Fear gripped my sternum. I wanted to hide from it. But I wouldn't.
Rose considered me out of the corner of her eye. "You look glum. Did you change your mind already?"
"No," I grumbled, then rolled my eyes.
"I have an idea," I heaved a heavy sigh. "And I hate it."