Chapter 18 Taylor
TAYLOR
The sun warmed my face, but it felt far too early to be awake.
I turned over to discover I was in bed alone, and my heart panged.
It was a strange sensation, and I rolled the feeling around in my chest, analyzing it.
Usually, I’d be relieved to wake up alone after sex.
This was different. This had been so far from my usual transactional exchange in every way.
It wasn’t the first time I’d stayed over at his place, but the emotions swirling in my stomach were new.
The apartment was quiet, and while I knew Gabriel couldn’t have gone far, anxiety built in my chest. It did not feel like the right time to have a panic attack, but between Gabriel coming to my rescue when I was sick, my shocking outburst at his parents, and the mind-blowing sex, this existential crisis was coming whether I wanted it to or not.
The convenient thing about the gay community was that there were plenty of opportunities to get your physical needs met while avoiding emotional entanglement. However, the more entangled I got with Gabriel, the more I had to accept that I hadn’t been getting my needs met by those nameless hookups.
I was lonelier than I realized.
It took a lot for me to open up to people, but Gabriel had worked his way under my skin almost immediately. And that was scary. That meant I could love him, and if I could love him, he could break me and ruin everything.
I’d seen it happen, and I did not want to ride that ride.
I threw the covers off my sweat-soaked body and stood up to rummage through Gabriel’s dresser for some clean underwear.
After slipping on a pair of navy boxer briefs, I made my way into the bathroom to splash my face off and brush my teeth with the spare toothbrush Gabriel had tossed me the first night I stayed over.
Seeing it still tucked away on his bathroom counter gave me heartburn.
Ok. Emotional entanglements were a solvable problem.
All I had to do was avoid the prolonged eye contact and romantic daydreams, and I’d be fine.
Hadn’t Gabriel been the one to say I needed to stay in the moment and have more fun?
Just fun, no feelings. That would be my new affirmation.
That was all this was. Exclusive, casual fun.
Super hot sex with a super hot man who I could take as a date to my sister’s wedding.
A super hot man with a dimpled smile and a nose ring and curls peeking out from his Dodgers hat, who appeared in the doorway with a to-go coffee cup and a raspberry scone.
Damn it, this was going to be more challenging than I thought.
“Morning!” Gabriel leaned forward and pecked my cheek before handing me the coffee and blatantly checking me out. “You look hot as shit in my underwear.”
I laughed, wiggling my hips as I gratefully accepted the coffee.
“Sorry for leaving you to wake up alone, but the coffee shop around the corner has the best scones, and they always disappear fast on Sunday mornings. I didn’t want to risk it.”
I smiled to cover the flurry of emotions still swirling in my stomach and pushed around him to grab my clothes.
Once I was dressed, Gabriel dragged me out into his living room and onto the sofa. He picked up his iced latte, arranged his legs over my lap, and leaned back against the arm of the couch. “If you were a sea creature, what kind of sea creature would you be?”
By this point, I was unsurprised by random thoughts spilling from Gabriel’s brain.
I was sure there were three raccoons in a trench coat up there—and I meant that as a compliment.
My mind, in comparison, was like a collaboration between the sloth who worked at the DMV in Zootopia and the annoying HR lady from Monsters, Inc.
I clearly needed more coffee.
“An octopus, I guess.”
“I could see that.” Gabriel swirled the ice in his coffee and flashed a teasing smile. “You’re smart, and your powers of suction are renowned among the animal kingdom.”
I gaped at him.
“I think I’d be a dolphin,” he said. “They seem like they are always down to party.”
“You are unlike anyone I’ve ever met,” I said honestly.
Those dimples popped beneath his scruff as he smiled at me and shrugged.
My insides were in turmoil as I repeated my new affirmation: just fun, no feelings, just fun, no feelings.
I couldn’t help kissing him, though. He tasted like coffee and sugar.
Gabriel seemed lighter today than he had in weeks, and I realized how much this issue with his parents had been weighing on him. But we didn’t talk about his family. We didn’t talk about the sex. It was a morning of light banter and catching up on our weeks, accompanied by a side of snuggles.
That felt like a different kind of intimacy, and soon, the walls started to close in around me.
“I—” I cleared my throat and looked down at my phone. “Margo needs me.”
“Right now?” Gabriel leaned up to look at the screen. “Is everything ok?”
I locked my phone and moved his legs off my lap to slip it into my pocket. “Just wedding things, but she says it can’t wait.”
I pop the last bite of scone into my mouth.
“Do you want me to come wi—”
“No!” I answered too quickly, and my cheeks flushed. “Sorry, it’s just… she needs me.”
The smile remained on Gabriel’s face, but a bit of the sparkle left his eyes. “Ok. Text me?”
“I will. Promise.” I hoped it was a promise I could keep.
Just fun, no feelings.
Yeah, right.
Kai popped his head into my bedroom after work to find me pacing back and forth, the doctor’s email pulled up on my phone. I was too nervous to open it.
“Girl, what’s with all the pacing? You are supposed to be relaxing. Margo is going to kill you if you’re a walking corpse at her wedding.”
I huffed, tossing my phone to him. “I might be a walking corpse either way.”
“Oh shit,” Kai said, spotting the email immediately. “Do you want me to open it?”
“Yeah, I’m not going to otherwise.” I leaned my face into the wall, unable to make eye contact as he read the results.
“Good news first. No cancer.”
Muscles I didn’t even know I was clenching relaxed, and I slid down the wall to sit on the floor. Kai squatted down beside me.
“Bad news, there’s something wrong with your heart.
Myocarditis is what it says. They want you to come in for a follow-up EKG.
” He dropped the phone into my lap. “Want me to come to the appointment? I bet Margo would go with you, too, although I’m guessing you don’t want to stress her out with more doctors. Or how about Gabriel?”
“I’m a grown man. I don’t need a babysitter to take me to the doctor.”
“It’s not about need. We want to, Taylor. That’s what it looks like when you care about someone.” Kai reached out and tugged on my earlobe.
I deflated with a sigh. “No need to weigh down something that’s supposed to be fun with my baggage. What Gabriel and I are doing isn’t that serious.”
I was lying through my teeth.
Kai narrowed his eyes. “Isn’t it?”
“Since when did you become a romantic? I thought you were out in these streets being a ho.”
I needed to deflect from my discomfort.
“Oh, I’m enjoying the ho life, but that’s not because I don’t believe in love. It’s because I’m in love with someone I can’t have.”
My eyes widened. This was the first I’d heard of that.
“Anyway, we’re not here to talk about me. I know your parents did a number on you, but they’re assholes who blamed their kids for not being able to make a relationship work.” Kai carried on like he hadn’t blown my mind. “You’re nothing like them.”
I banged my head lightly against the wall until Kai slipped his hand back there. I wanted to strangle him, but I knew he meant well, even if he didn’t know shit about how spectacularly I could implode a relationship.
“Please take care of yourself,” Kai said with a cheeky grin. “If you die, I can’t afford the rent on my own.”
Never underestimate your best friend’s ability to guilt you into things.
I pushed to my feet. “Fine, consider this intervention successful. I won’t go to the doctor’s unsupervised.”
I went to the doctor’s office unsupervised.
Once Kai had confirmed I didn’t have cancer—which I’d been sure about from the beginning, mostly—I figured the doctor’s visit would be routine. Doubts crept in when I sat on the exam table, the paper crinkling under my legs as I waited for them to tell me the results of the echocardiogram.
“You’re in the clear,” the doctor said as she peered at her clipboard.
“The clear?” I echoed. “What does that mean?”
“Everything came back normal on your EKG.” She slid me a stack of papers. “This was likely a stress-related incident. These pamphlets have information for you about stress management and sleep hygiene.”
I should have been thrilled. I’d be able to start work again, and my goals had only been delayed by a few weeks. Instead of relief, I felt dread.
My ears rang in the silence of the exam room once I was alone, the papers the doctor gave me hanging loosely in my hands.
I wished she’d been able to give me a diagnosis, a clear reason my heart had freaked out on me, and how to avoid it happening again.
All I got was the ominous warning that once I had myocarditis, I was susceptible to it again.
I’d have to keep an eye out for heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and chest pain for the rest of my life—an open-ended threat with no real answers.
How, exactly, was I supposed to avoid stress?
My three deep breaths weren’t doing enough to calm the sensations in my chest.
As I exited the lobby, blinking into the bright sun, I could have sworn I was hallucinating. There was Gabriel, sitting on a bench right outside the front door, his eyes closed, and his face tilted up toward the sky.
“You keep showing up at places I don’t give you the address of,” I said. “Are you my boyfriend or a stalker?”
Gabriel opened one eye to squint at me. “Why not both?”
“Not that I’m complaining,”—I joined him on the bench and bumped his shoulder with mine—"but what are you doing here?”
“I thought you might need me.” Gabriel shrugged and smiled softly.
“I won’t admit to anything.” I dragged him up onto my lap and wrapped my arms around his waist.
The truth was, I did need him here. That was almost as scary as this open-ended diagnosis.
“But I am happy to see you,” I said, my heart pounding.
Gabriel placed his hand there, and I swore it started beating faster.
“So, what did the doctor say?” he asked.
I sighed. “Basically, everything looks normal now, but it could happen again, but she can’t tell me why it happened in the first place, and I’m supposed to avoid stress.”
Gabriel frowned, rubbing calming circles over my chest. “That’s not very helpful.”
As much as I loathed to admit it, the more I shared with Gabriel, the better I felt. The way his comforting presence loosened the ball of anxiety in my stomach was like a drug, but did I really want to become addicted? I couldn’t answer that, but I couldn’t make myself stop.
“I know what will make you feel better,” Gabriel said definitively. “Tacos.”
“I was hoping you were going to say a blow job,” I teased, pasting on a smile.
My stomach grumbled, and Gabriel burst out laughing.
He playfully slapped my chest. “I’m open to suggestions on dessert later.”