Chapter 14 #2
Trying to talk those whirls in his chest off. “So I’m a decent fuck still? Despite being a useless loser…”
Duncan pushed at him softly to get his eyes. “You’re not a loser, but I’m not sure what can be done with your mountain of self-loathing. I’m not a shrink.”
Spencer pulled a face. “Shrinks… I had my fair share.”
Duncan stroked his back softly. “Sometimes, they can help.”
“You?” His eyes asking too with that small dread in them.
“Yes, me. It’s not a tale for now, ok? Not unless you want nightmares.”
Spencer glided his fingers on his cheeks, stroking softly. “Can they be fucked away? Nightmares… self-loathing?”
Duncan smiled. “Maybe…”
Spencer was lost in his grey eyes, under his touch. Fuck. Lacking any kind of strength to find that abyss of hate and build his walls back. “Maybe we could fuck it away then…” Pulling closer, grinding in his lap as he leant down for a kiss.
“Maybe…” Opening wide, letting Spencer seal his mouth, eat him up.
There was nothing else there but the whispering trees, the sun playing on that warm water, and them, locked together in that tight embrace, in that deep kiss.
Spencer reached down and put Duncan cock against his hole, panting, that warm water bubbling around them, stroking their skin.
Duncan breathed. “In the water…”
“Fuck cares.” He pushed Duncan in, closing his eyes at that slight pain, but he didn’t care, wanting all of him to wash out his memories of that tub.
Maybe just wanting him, a thought so frightening he had to grip Duncan’s shoulders as he sank on him, eyes a bit wide, both of them.
A breath, a soft moan, Spencer even hotter than the water around them.
Spencer clenched on that thick cock, trembling as he started rocking his hips.
Can you sweat in water? He was sure he could.
Letting Duncan pull him in his neck, he rocked in his arms, floating on those deep thrusts, because Duncan was holding him tight, gliding his hands down to where his hips met his ass, clenching his fingers in that soft flesh, hard.
Spencer moaned at the pain diluting in his pleasure.
Oh fuck… it felt so good, he just kissed and licked his neck, wanting more.
Opening his mouth on his trapezium, he knew he would bite, not even able to hold back.
Duncan moaned when Spencer bit down, knowing he had come, squeezing around his cock so hard, he lost it too.
Rocking him, buried deep, he just kissed his neck, that soaked hair plastered to Spencer’s neck and shoulders.
Gliding his hands up his slick back, lacing his arms around him.
Letting him rest on his shoulder, his teeth wedged in his flesh, suckling softly on his wet skin.
Maybe soothing. It was to him too. That pain.
Spencer pushed himself up after a while. “I’m hungry.”
“Alright. I can cook up something.”
“You cook?” That mocking smile.
“Yes. Hope you’re not too floored.”
“I never had anybody cook for me but the cooks.”
“Well, time to start then.”
Spencer had flung a white shirt on, but never bothered to button if, holding a glass of red wine, watching Duncan cook in his boxers and an apron.
His eyes roamed his back; the apron tied on that waist he loved.
He walked close, looking at those two slabs of meat sizzling in some fragrant oil, riddled with spices whilst some vegetables simmered in a large wok.
“Veggies?” Pulling a small face.
Duncan turned to him, licking his thumb off. “Yep. It will do you good, to your fast food junkie body.”
“Health freak.” Grinning.
Duncan took the glass out of his hand, and Spencer thought he would take a sip, but he just sloshed some of it on the meat. Handing it back to him.
Spencer sipped the wine. “You never drink?” Asking this, fuck knew why.
“Not anymore. I used to, back in the days, when I was young and reckless. When we had days off and got wasted.”
“Wasted with a lover?”
Duncan smiled but it was tight, turning the meat. “Yeah… something like that…” His throat clenched at that flood of memories. Shit.
Spencer noticed it, a small concern above his mocking. “Oh, hit a nerve?”
Duncan braced the counter. “Uh… maybe…”
Spencer pulled him around to face him. “It’s that painful?” Dreading something at the look in Duncan’s eyes.
Duncan just grabbed his hips and lifted him on the counter, standing between his spread legs. “Let’s not bring him here, now… please.”
“Him?” His eyes asking.
Duncan thought of not answering, that name buried deep in his soul with his nightmares. But, somehow, drowned in those dark eyes, feeling his hands on his waist, he could say it. “Patrick.” Swallowing that lump in his throat.
Spencer’s heart rushed. “And where is Patrick?” Watching those grey eyes well up, he regretted his question, a remorse there he had never known, not at that magnitude.
Duncan smiled above his pain, lacing his arms around Spencer. “Patrick… is gone.” Hoping Spencer got it, that he didn’t have to explain anything.
Spencer pulled him closer. “I’m sorry…”
“It’s fine… it was a while ago.”
Spencer couldn’t bear his pain, not just because the fact that he cared at all was fucking terrifying, but he also had no clue how to help.
Kissing him, because in that moment, it seemed right.
To claim him back too from those ghosts haunting his eyes.
Feeling, relieved, that Duncan kissed him back, held him tighter.
Spencer broke it, whispering. “The food will burn…”
Duncan just let him go and went back to cooking. Relieved. That he didn’t have to talk, or tell him anything. Not even sure he could have, at all. Wincing at the pain stabbing at his chest.
They ate later, and then went to lie down on a large double lounging chair, facing that stunning sunset, Spencer wedged against Duncan, his head on his shoulder, floating a bit on Duncan’s hand caressing his shoulder and side. His leg laced on Duncan’s thigh, his eyes on that stunning sky.
“I’ve never seen this sunset…”
“Really?”
“Too busy as a kid, too fucked up later to care… it’s beautiful though, I might paint it.”
“Great idea.”
Pulling him closer, because it felt good, to hold him, and share that moment.
A bit puzzled that Spencer just let himself go in his arms, melted against him, and Spencer had no idea what this was, drenched in his own fear, but also in a feeling he could not explain.
Feeling at ease, when he had never really felt at ease, had never really let his guard down with anybody.
Hesitating if he could do it with Duncan at all because he wasn’t sure why Duncan was with him at all. Maybe I’m a good fuck…
Smiling, his dark eyes on the setting sun painting the sky. “I’m amazed you tolerate me…”
Duncan glanced down at his dark hair. He could not see Spencer’s eyes. “It’s a bit more than tolerating now?”
“It is. I’m a decent fuck, I guess?”
“You are, but it’s not just that…” Hesitating because the last thing he wanted was to chase Spencer back behind those walls of hate.
“You could have anybody on this planet, Righteous. A guy like you… decent, principled, a good lay with a potent body…”
“And you could be with a junkie who’s drunk from morning to night, and smokes his brains out with you…”
Spencer pushed back a bit to look at him. “Oh…”
“Stupid question, stupid answer…” He sighed, exasperated a bit. “I was with a guy I thought would marry me. Decent, good in bed… and it ended up in disaster.”
“A cake disaster.”
Duncan smiled, relieved he was joking and not throwing a fit.
“A taste for old men has flipped into a taste for twinks…”
Duncan flicked his nose. “You’re not a twink.”
“That’s my line.”
“Well, it’s mine now.”
Their eyes playing.
Spencer traced his pecs. “Let’s go inside and go to bed.”
“Tired?”
Spencer traced his jaw. “A bit…” Risking those silly words pushing each other in his mouth. “I just want to go to sleep with you…” His heart rushing.
Duncan knew he could not joke this one away. Not without destroying that fragile crystal courage Spencer had pulled out from somewhere. He stroked his cheek with his thumb. “Alright.”
Only their eyes speaking those words they didn’t dare to say, the drowning sun’s colors in them as dusk bended into night, the crickets starting their songs, rhythmed but their hearts. Those wounded hearts, beating as one.