Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Zaan
I know the moment the puck hits my neck that something is wrong, but my head starts to buzz, and everything gets blurry, so I don’t remember anything until waking up on the stretcher.
People are talking and there’s an oxygen mask on my face, but the first thing I see is Lexi.
Big blue eyes filled with tears, arms crossed over her chest protectively as she climbs into the ambulance with me.
I try to talk but the oxygen mask makes it hard.
“It’s okay,” Lexi whispers. “I’m right here. The doc says you’re going to be fine. They want to do some tests, but nothing is broken, no blood, so just relax.”
I pull off the mask anyway. “Tell me what happened.”
She reaches out and runs gentle fingers through my damp hair. “You took a puck to the neck. They’re not sure why you passed out, but they think it hit the vagus nerve or maybe your carotid artery.”
“I don’t even know what the first one is.”
“Me either, but Mack is on her way to the hospital. She’ll be there to translate for us.”
I groan. “Did we win?”
“I don’t know.” She looks apologetic. “They ended the period when you were carried off, to give everyone time to settle down. Both teams came off the bench…the whole thing was pretty scary. They were going right to overtime after a ten-minute recess.”
“Pull it up on your phone.”
“No.” She puts a hand on the side of my face. “We need to make sure you’re okay before we get your heart rate pumped up again. Okay? Please?”
I want to protest but the paramedic gives me a look. “Put the mask back on, please. You lost consciousness so I’d like you to keep it on until a doctor has checked you out.”
I reluctantly put it back on.
I feel bad that I scared Lexi, because she looks shaken up, but I’m dying to know what happened at the game.
Unfortunately, the next hour is a little bit of a blur.
I’m starting to feel like myself again, but my neck is sore, so the doctors are taking this very seriously. I’ve never had an injury like this before, and it’s a little disconcerting to have all these doctors and nurses fussing over me.
Mostly, I’m keeping an eye on Lexi because she’s pale.
She looks scared, and I hate that for her.
“Hey, guys.” Mack comes in smiling. “Everything is okay. It was a blow to your carotid artery that caused increased blood flow, reflexively causing your blood pressure to go way down. You probably felt light-headed and woozy. Once you were on the stretcher, blood flow began to recirculate, and you came out of it pretty quickly. Obviously, they did all kinds of tests to be sure, and we’re still waiting for a few results, but I’m sure you’re going to be fine. ”
I sigh with relief but Lexi bursts out crying.
She covers her face with her hands and sobs, and Mack gently begins rubbing her back.
It kills me not to be the one comforting her, but I’m hooked up to an IV and can’t reach that far.
“Babe, don’t cry. I’m fine. God, please stop crying.” I reach out my free hand.
“I’m going to give you two a minute,” Mack murmurs, slipping out.
“Hey. Look at me.” Hearing her sob is gut-wrenching. “I can’t reach you, will you please come closer so I can touch you?”
She’s still sobbing but scoots her chair closer and finally lowers her hands. Her makeup has run a little, giving her a raccoon-like appearance, but I don’t care about that. I just don’t want her to cry anymore.
“Get a tissue,” I command softly. “And then come sit close to me.”
Sometimes, especially when she’s this upset, it helps if I just take control. She’s as strong and independent as they come, but once in a while I get to go alpha male on her.
She does as I ask, and I figure out how to lower the guard rail so she can sit on the edge of the bed and I can touch her.
“Blow your nose and take a breath.”
She nods.
When she seems a little calmer, she whispers, “I was so scared.”
“I know, baby. I’m sorry.” I take a breath. “And I owe you an apology.”
Her eyes widen. “Wh-what?”
I shake my head, realizing that the shoe is now on the other foot.
I didn’t give a thought to my safety when I’d thrown myself in front of that puck.
It’s my job. I’m not just a defenseman in general, but our collective job as a team when we’re in a do-or-die situation like that is to protect our goalie.
So I’d done what I was trained to do—block the puck in whatever way necessary.
And though it’s a bit different for Lexi, because she’s the one who’s pregnant, I now understand how instinctive it is to do what you do.
We’re trained to throw our bodies around, whether it’s in front of a puck or a two-hundred-pound opponent.
I didn’t give a second thought to my safety because nothing like this has ever happened before.
Which is exactly what Lexi pointed out about her fall.
Bad things can happen at any time and there’s a first time for everything.
I didn’t think about Lexi and the baby in the moment. Even though a puck to the throat could have killed me. A puck to my cervical spine could cripple me. Things go wrong but it’s the chance we take.
“Zaan?” She’s watching me intently.
“Like I said, I owe you an apology. I threw myself in front of that puck without a second thought about the potential for a serious injury. I just did it. Because nothing has ever happened to me on the ice before.”
Her eyes are fixed on mine. “I owe you an apology too. I was so scared when you didn’t get up. I couldn’t breathe. It was like my heart stopped.”
“That must have been terrifying to watch in real time. At least with your fall I didn’t see it until after, when I already knew you were okay. I was still terrified, but it’s different once it’s over.”
“And you weren’t worried about just me—you had to think about the baby too.”
“If I’m honest, my first thought was of you. The baby isn’t real yet. I hope that’s not a shitty thing to say, but I haven’t seen an ultrasound or heard the heartbeat or anything. To me, it’s still a concept. And honestly, I’ve been a little afraid to get attached because of everything going on.”
“You know I would never terminate.” She frowns. “In your heart of hearts, despite the arguing and everything going on, you know that, right?”
“Yeah, baby, I do. I’ve just been scared.”
“Me too. So fucking scared.”
I squeeze her hand. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. You need me and all I’ve been thinking about is myself.”
“Same. Thinking about myself, I mean. I just can’t…” She sighs. “I can’t wrap my head around the idea of taking a year, maybe more, off. But we can talk about it, find a compromise. Maybe—”
“Let’s not talk about this tonight, okay? I’m tired and we’ve both been through a lot. Let’s table this for tomorrow after we’ve slept.”
“Okay.” She nods, her fingers curled around mine.
“So now…the big question.” I take a breath. “Did we win?”