38 no denying it
I tell myself I'm fine the entire walk back.
It's almost funny how automatic it is at this point, the way the thought slips into place before anything else can settle. Like if I say it early enough, confidently enough, it might actually stick.
I'm fine.
Nothing changed.
That was just... part of it.
But the problem is, my body doesn't seem to agree with me. Because I can still feel it.
Not just the kiss itself, but the way it shifted. The exact second it stopped feeling like something we were doing for other people and started feeling like something that didn't belong anywhere outside of that moment.
And the worst part is, I didn't pull away. Neither did he.
I exhale slowly as I push the front door open, stepping inside Jess's house without knocking like I always do, like it's as much mine as it is hers at this point.
The familiar sound of music drifts from somewhere upstairs, something loud and dramatic that probably means Jess is either getting ready or spiraling-or both.
"Kitchen," Riley calls from somewhere inside before I even say anything.
Of course she's here.
She always is.
I follow her voice, dropping my bag by the door, trying to ignore the way my thoughts keep circling back to something I'm not ready to look at directly.
Riley's leaning against the counter when I walk in, calm as always, like nothing in the world could possibly surprise her anymore. She glances up, takes one look at me, and something in her expression shifts just slightly-not concern, not curiosity exactly, but recognition, like she already knows.
Jess, on the other hand, is the opposite of calm.
She's sitting on the counter, legs swinging, phone in her hand, eyes lighting up the second she sees me.
"Oh my god," she says immediately, like she's been waiting for this exact moment. "You're here. Perfect. Sit down. We need to talk."
"I don't like that tone," I mutter, but I still move closer, leaning against the counter across from them.
Jess narrows her eyes at me. "Something happened."
It's not a question, it's an accusation.
And for a second, I consider deflecting. Saying something sarcastic, brushing it off, turning it into a joke the way I always do when things get too close to something real.
But the words don't come. Because I'm tired. Not physically-just... tired of pretending I don't know what's happening when I clearly do.
Riley watches me quietly, arms crossed, completely still.
Jess leans forward slightly, eyes sharp. "Madi."
I let out a slow breath, staring down at the counter for a second before I look back up.
"It was supposed to be the same," I say, my voice more even than I feel. "Like every other time."
Jess's entire posture changes.
She goes very still.
Riley doesn't move at all.
"And?" Jess presses.
"And it wasn't."
The words settle into the space between us, heavier than I expect them to be.
Jess's mouth actually drops open a little.
Riley just tilts her head slightly, like she's fitting this into something she already figured out.
"What do you mean it wasn't?" Jess asks, her voice climbing higher with every word. "Like-define wasn't, Madi, because there are a lot of options there and I need specifics."
I huff out a small breath, shaking my head slightly.
"I don't know. It just-" I stop, searching for something that makes sense, something that doesn't sound as complicated as it feels. "It started normal, like usual. And then it just... didn't stay like that."
Jess lets out a sound that is somewhere between a gasp and a scream.
"Oh my-Riley, did you hear that? Did you hear the way she said that?"
"I heard," Riley says calmly.
"Why are you calm?" Jess demands. "This is not a calm situation."
"It is," Riley says, glancing at me again. "It's just not new."
Jess whips back toward her. "Not new? Excuse me?"
Riley shrugs slightly, completely unbothered. "They've been heading here for a while."
Jess turns back to me, eyes wide. "Heading where?"
I don't answer immediately. Because I know exactly what she means. And I know exactly what the answer is.
I just... haven't said it out loud yet.
Jess slides off the counter, stepping closer like proximity is somehow going to force the truth out of me faster. "Madi."
There's no teasing in her voice now, no chaos.
Just something softer, more serious.
I swallow, my fingers curling slightly against the edge of the counter.
"It felt real," I say quietly.
Jess freezes.
Riley's expression doesn't change, but something in her eyes softens just a little.
"And I didn't hate it," I add, the words coming out before I can stop them.
Jess makes a noise like she's physically trying not to explode. "Oh my god."
I let out a small breath, shaking my head like that might undo everything I just said.
"I don't even know when that happened," I admit. "Like when it stopped being just... part of the deal and started being-"
"Something else," Riley finishes for me.
I glance at her.
She's still leaning against the counter, still calm, but there's a knowing look in her eyes that makes something in my chest tighten.
Jess, on the other hand, is losing it.
"YOU LIKE HIM," she says, pointing at me like she's just solved the biggest mystery of her life.
"Jess-"
"NO, don't 'Jess' me, this is huge. This is-this is everything." She grabs my shoulders, shaking me slightly. "You like him."
I close my eyes for a second. Because apparently, there's no way around it anymore.
"No," I say automatically.
Jess narrows her eyes.
I sigh. "...yes."
She actually screams. Not loudly enough to alert the entire neighborhood, but definitely loud enough that it echoes through the house.
"I KNEW IT."
Riley just huffs out a quiet laugh.
"Yeah," she says simply. "Obviously."
Jess spins toward her. "Stop acting like this is casual, this is not casual, this is a moment."
"It's a realization," Riley corrects. "Not a surprise."
Jess ignores her, turning back to me with a look that is part excitement, part disbelief.
"You like him," she repeats, softer this time, like she's savoring it.
I exhale slowly, leaning back against the counter.
It should feel bigger, more dramatic, like something just shifted in a way I can't undo.
But instead, it feels... quiet, like something that's been there for a while, finally settling into place.
"I do," I say, the words steady now.
And for the first time, I don't try to take them back.
Jess presses her hands to her face, pacing in a small circle like she physically cannot contain herself.
"This is insane. This is actually insane. Do you understand what this means? Do you-"
"It means I like him," I cut in, a small smile tugging at my lips despite myself.
Riley watches me for a second, then nods slightly, like that's enough.
Jess stops pacing, looking at me again, her expression softening just a little.
"And you're okay with that?" she asks.
I think about it.
About the way it felt tonight.
About how it's been feeling for a while now, even when I refused to admit it.
About how I didn't pull away.
About how I didn't want to.
"Yeah," I say finally.
And it's the easiest answer I've given all day.
"Yeah, I am."