Chapter Thirteen #3
“Oh. O-of course.” Mr. Quinn squeezed his eyes shut.
“Apologies if I seemed concerned. It was only because I care for Miss Barrington.” His eyes flew wide as soon as the statement left his lips.
“As a friend! Still, I-I shouldn’t be inserting myself into these things.
Miss Barrington is your fiancée, not . . . mine.”
Mr. Quinn’s voice faltered when he said the last word. Sympathy pulled at Cassian’s heart.
“Ethel is my fiancée, yes,” Cassian said, “but I have no intention of behaving as though she’s more than that in the near future.”
Mr. Quinn merely stared, his face a mess of confusion. Cassian let out a laugh-sigh. If only he could explain himself better right now. But he had to speak with Ethel first.
“Anyway,” Cassian began, clasping his hands together before starting over toward his wardrobe. “Let’s move on. I need to choose something to wear.”
***
One hour later, Cassian and Ethel were seated across from each other in Cassian’s stateroom, their breakfast plates in front of them.
Cassian was still mustering up the courage to broach the subject of his fiancée’s obvious feelings for his valet.
He took a sip of his coffee and fought back a frown as he swallowed.
James’s would have been better. Everyone else seemed to mix in either too little or too much cream.
In the middle of his second sip of second-rate coffee, Cassian watched Ethel’s fingers brush the handle of her fork, but then she retracted her hand like she wasn’t certain whether or not she ought to start eating. Cassian supposed that it might be better for them not to just yet.
“Ethel,” Cassian said, fighting not to show the swell of nervousness making his stomach churn. “I think it’s best if we talk first.”
“Right.” Ethel’s hands fell to her lap. “Yes.”
“Now, the reason why I wanted the two of us to talk in private is that I’ve come to the realization recently that you haven’t been entirely truthful with me.”
Ethel’s eyes flew wide. Cassian held up his hand.
“I know why, and I’m not mad.”
“Cassian, what—”
“Mr. Quinn,” Cassian said bluntly. “You like him.”
Ethel’s hands found her necklace, and there was a pause.
“He’s a fine man,” she said as her hands began to fiddle with the pendant. “Of course I like him.”
Back and forth, Ethel’s pendant moved on the chain. Zzzpp, zzzpp, zzzpp. Cassian flicked his eyes to the ceiling.
“Ethel, you’re in love with him.”
Ethel froze.
“Wh-what? I-I’m not—”
“Don’t lie to me. Please.”
Immediately, Ethel’s bottom lip began to tremble. Her hands began to shake, too. Cassian softened his expression.
“I promise that I haven’t brought you here to scold you,” he said. “But I can’t simply carry on as though I haven’t noticed.”
Ethel had no response to that.
Leaning forward, Cassian rested his head on his hand, partially covering his face with his palm. He tried to work out what he ought to say next. Meanwhile, Ethel continued to sit there, stunned. After a minute or so, Cassian restraightened his posture.
“Alright, look, seeing as you are engaged to me, and not to my valet, I think that what’s needed right now is for the two of us to figure out how to move forward.” He sat back in his chair. “Does Mr. Quinn know of your feelings for him? Have you two spoken about it?”
Ethel shook her head, her fast movement barely even perceptible. Cassian nodded to himself. He’d thought not but hadn’t been sure.
“Does your mother know?” he asked next.
Another shake of the head.
“You do know that Mr. Quinn returns your feelings, though, yes?”
Ethel’s mouth began to move, but no words came out for the first second or two.
Finally, she said, “Mr. Quinn has . . . feelings for me?”
Cassian let out a long breath.
“Yes, and it’s painfully obvious,” he said through a chuckle.
Ethel’s mouth curled into the sweetest smile for a brief instant before she must have caught herself and subsequently forced it away.
Cassian had to bite the inside of his cheek a little to keep from smiling even more himself in return.
He was happy for them, though he felt a little betrayed, too, mostly because he felt foolish for not having noticed their burgeoning relationship earlier.
And of course, he still hadn’t managed to figure out how to fix the mess that was his and Ethel’s engagement. He considered it for a while more.
Finally, he said, “Would you marry him?”
“I . . .” Ethel’s eyebrows pinched. “But we’re engaged, Cassian.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
Ethel stayed quiet for several seconds. Cassian brought his hands together, forming a steeple with his fingers as he waited for her reply.
“Yes,” she whispered after a moment more. “If I could.”
Shrugging, Cassian asked, “Why couldn’t you?”
“You know why,” she said, her voice still small.
“Because we made a promise to each other, yes?”
Ethel nodded.
Cassian needed to nudge her. He needed her to admit (to him and to herself) what he knew she must have wanted.
“But promises can be broken,” Cassian reasoned. “Not without consequences, of course, but they can be.”
“Yes, that’s true,” she said slowly, her eyes falling to her lap. “But my mother expects me to marry a man like you. Not a . . . valet.”
“But you’d be happier with him.”
“I’ll be happy enough with you.”
“But you’d be happier with him,” Cassian repeated.
Ethel fell silent again. Cassian pushed himself to stand, and she slunk lower in her chair, keeping her eyes fixed on her lap. He knelt beside her.
“Ethel, look at me,” he said, his voice a mixture of sweet and harsh that he hadn’t intended. He softened it a little. “Look at me, please.” Ethel’s eyes found his. “I know you are content with our engagement. But I know, too, that you would be happier with him.”
Her eyes filled with tears. One tumbled down her cheek.
“I never meant to hurt you,” she said before letting out a choked sob.
“You haven’t hurt me,” he said. “I care for you, Ethel, but I’m not in love with you.”
More tears fell from Ethel’s eyes. Cassian retrieved his handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to her.
“I think that we ought to end our engagement,” he said.
“Right now, informally, and more formally once we reach New York. After we settle back into our routine, we can put some sort of official communication together for our families and for everyone else as well. I’m not looking to create some sort of scandal here on the ship.
” He thought for a moment and then smiled wryly.
“Although, perhaps I already created a bit of one when I kissed you in the middle of the lounge yesterday afternoon.”
Ethel laughed through another small sob. Her laughter faded, and she began to cry in earnest into the little white square of fabric.
“Don’t cry,” he implored. “Ethel, Mr. Quinn will still have you, if that’s what you’re concerned about. I watched the two of you talking in the hallway this morning. He seemed completely unfazed by the kiss we shared. Or, maybe shared isn’t the right word. I forced it on you.”
Ethel continued to cry. Cassian began to massage his left temple with his fingertips.
“Ethel, why—”
“I’ll lose everything,” she said. “Oh, Cassian, my whole family will think so poorly of me. Especially if I marry John. It will look like I left you for your valet.”
“Aren’t you, though?” he tried to tease.
But that only made Ethel cry more. Cassian heaved a sigh.
Ethel was right. Dear God, her relationship with Mr. Quinn would reflect poorly on all of them.
Mr. Quinn would look like a home breaker.
Ethel would be marked as a woman of easy virtue.
Cassian himself would look foolish and weak.
But if Ethel wanted to be with the man she loved, then it seemed to him that this was simply the collective price that they’d all have to pay.
And Cassian was prepared to pay it. After all, he cared for Ethel.
Quite a bit. Yet he had spent the entirety of their voyage so far, minus a few hours here and there, falling in love with someone else.
Looking back on their time aboard the ship, Cassian realized that perhaps he hadn’t been entirely faithful to his fiancée (somewhat unwittingly on his part, though now he realized that maybe massaging James’s cheeks and cuddling the man in the pool hadn’t exactly helped keep things platonic between them).
Obviously Ethel hadn’t been faithful to him, either, with regard to her feelings, but still, Cassian had a responsibility to her.
He’d promised her things like safety and security.
And he still wanted to uphold that promise, especially since he himself stood to benefit from their engagement ending.
“Ethel, I will speak to your family,” he said.
“I’ll let them know that I was the one who chose to end our engagement, maybe for financial reasons or .
. . or whatever other remotely believable excuse I can come up with.
Whether or not they’ll continue to believe me once you marry Mr. Quinn is out of my control, but I promise that I will try to make things easier for you.
On that front, I’ll find other employment for Mr. Quinn as soon as I can.
I’ll help you two start your lives together, too, if needed.
Unfortunately, because of the way things are in our society, there are certain consequences that we will all need to live with if this is the path we—you, Mr. Quinn, and I—choose to walk. ”
And Cassian was prepared to walk it for her. And for himself, too.
Images of James’s sweet face flitted into Cassian’s mind, and his stomach swooped as he smiled to himself. Yes, he was more than prepared to help Ethel if it meant that he could be with the man he . . . oh, God, the man he loved.
Cassian’s heart pitter-pattered from a sudden surge of elation.
He was in love.
Ethel sniffled, and the sound pulled Cassian out of his thoughts.
“You’d really do all of that for me?” she asked.
Immediately, Cassian replied, “I would.”
Exhaling a long, shaky breath, Ethel wiped her eyes some more, smearing some of her black eye makeup in the process. Cassian lifted his hand to her cheek and cleared it away with his thumb.
“Thank you,” she said.
Cassian caressed her cheek once again before removing his hand. He pushed himself to his feet, walked back to his chair, sat, and sighed. He and Ethel smiled pitying smiles at each other.
“I’m not particularly interested in eating right now,” Cassian said.
“I’m not sure if I can either,” Ethel admitted. “I still feel . . .”
“I know,” Cassian said warmly. “Me too.”
All of this, it was overwhelming.
He sat back in his chair and hummed. Minutes passed while Cassian chewed on his fingernails, staring off into nothingness as his thoughts meandered from one subject to the next.
Ethel fiddled with her necklace some more.
Listening to it, Cassian found himself smiling a little, the familiar irritation he typically felt from hearing the sound strangely absent.
“Cassian?” Ethel finally asked. Cassian looked up.
“I think I have an idea for something that we can do. Something to pass the time, maybe, until our stomachs settle enough for us to eat.” Cassian crooked an eyebrow, and Ethel’s lips curled into a small smile.
“Do you still want to teach me how to play cards?”
Cassian huffed a half-laugh.
“Do you really still want to learn?”
“You promised that you’d show me how to play poker someday,” she said with a small shrug. “And if we won’t be getting married, then I can’t imagine that the two of us will be spending that much time together in the future.”
“But what will your soon-to-be husband think?” Cassian teased. “I played with him once, Ethel. He’s terrible.”
Ethel laughed lightly, and she paused to think. After a moment, her smile broadened, and there was a hint of mischievousness in her eyes. Cassian fought back a laugh before she even voiced her thoughts, knowing instinctively that he’d like her answer, whatever it was.
“I think that it might be rather fun to surprise him with it, then, especially if there’s a chance that I might not be terrible,” she said.
Cassian smiled a wicked smile of his own.
“If you’re learning from me, then I can assure you, you won’t be.”
Ethel beamed, and Cassian left to ask the cabin steward for some playing cards.