Chapter Fifteen
Cassian
Cassian needed to hand the cabin steward an extra bit of cash in exchange for his discretion, but he wasn’t fazed by it, not only because parting with a couple of small bills meant very little to him, but because he’d have spent forty-fold more than the cost of his first-class ticket if it meant being able to have James alone with him in his stateroom.
Cassian’s heart thumped rapidly as he watched the cabin steward unlock the door, but he took care to keep a relatively stoic expression, pressing his lips into a firm, thin line while relaxing his brow to conceal his percolating nervousness.
So far that evening, everything had panned out exactly as Cassian had intended, from secretly slipping James the note to successfully inviting James to come to bed with him.
He needn’t ruin things with his embarrassing sense of unease.
Beside him, James seemed somewhat frazzled himself.
Wringing his hands together, James shifted his weight from one foot to the other, Cassian’s notebook securely pressed between one of his biceps and his chest. Cassian wondered if James’s concernment stemmed from a fear of being caught (not likely, perhaps, since the cabin steward seemed friendly enough and had obviously been pleased to be given a bit of money for his secrecy, but it was possible), nervousness over being with a man (not likely, either, since James had probably bedded that George fellow many times, as much as Cassian hated to admit to himself), or uncertainty over whether or not he’d be able to provide the exceptional service that Cassian craved.
That seemed most probable. And if that was, in fact, the source of James’s unease, then Cassian felt confident that the man would feel better soon.
Because no matter how the next hour or so unfolded, James couldn’t not please him. Of that, Cassian was certain.
He’d soon make sure that James knew it, too.
Cassian steeled himself as the cabin steward pushed open the door for them.
He nodded curtly as he slipped past the man and went inside, with James following close behind.
Calmy—or, with as much calmness as he could feign—Cassian took the notebook from James and set it on the closest surface—a round entryway table.
James moved to shut and lock the door. Despite the fact that the subsequent metallic clink sent a burst of frigid electricity surging through his veins, Cassian managed to maintain his composure as James whirled back around to face him.
Swallowing thickly, Cassian placed one hand on either side of James’s hips and then forced a small smile.
James exhaled a noticeably shaky breath and mirrored Cassian’s positioning.
“Oh, James,” Cassian said softly, maintaining as much poise as he possibly could with his heart beating so ferociously. “Are you really so nervous?”
“Yes,” James replied without hesitation. “Extremely nervous, in fact.”
“You needn’t be.” Cassian lifted his hand to move it through James’s beautiful hair and silently ordered it not to tremble.
Still, his hand wavered a bit as he pushed it through James’s light-brown locks.
He ignored it. “Already, I am immeasurably satisfied with the manner in which this evening’s events have unfolded.
Everything from this moment forward is simply icing on the cake. ”
James’s mouth curled into a small smile, but it faltered within a couple of frantic beats of Cassian’s heart.
“I want to be good for you,” James said through another uneven breath. His hands traveled up the length of Cassian’s torso, coming to rest on Cassian’s chest. “I want to make you happy.”
“You have made me happy,” Cassian said, inching his face forward. “For the first time in my life, I feel honestly and sincerely happy.”
After a brief pause, Cassian moved his face even closer, stopping when he was only a hair’s breadth from capturing James’s mouth in a kiss.
He could feel the little puffs of warmth from each of James’s hurried and uneasy exhales, and it took concentrated effort to keep his own breathing from becoming equally as fretted.
Mentally preparing himself to kiss the man he loved, Cassian passed his tongue over his lips but found that he otherwise couldn’t make himself move, for he hadn’t ever kissed someone who meant something to him before.
Even though Cassian’s soul ached for his lovely steward, it seemed that the chasm between them was too vast, and he couldn’t push himself to cross it.
“Kiss me,” Cassian ordered, the whispered command wrought with urgency, and even the half-second pause that followed seemed far too long. “Now, James.”
Immediately, James pressed his lips to Cassian’s.
Warmth swirled in Cassian’s chest, its heat so new and so comforting that it brought tears to his eyes.
He and James continued to kiss, continued to move their lips together, and every second of it, unfamiliar sensations of care and love and even relief intensified, crashing over Cassian like waves.
Harder and harder it became for Cassian to remain strong and steadfast, to be the confident and composed man that James needed him to be and that he wanted himself to be, too, and soon, he began to tremble.
James broke their kiss.
“Cassian?” he said, and the concern in his voice made Cassian wince. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” Cassian said. “I must be chilled, is all.”
“It’s normal to be nervous,” James said with a sympathetic smile that simultaneously flooded Cassian’s blood with shame while also making him weak in the knees. “Especially when you’ve never been—”
“In love before, no,” Cassian said, kissing their foreheads together.
Huffing a light laugh, James strummed his fingers on Cassian’s chest, above his heart.
“I was about to say ‘with a man before,’” he remarked. “But, ah, well, the thing that you said, that’s a perfectly respectable reason to be nervous, too.”
“Yes, well, I haven’t been with a man before either,” Cassian said.
His muscles continued to shake embarrassingly, so relentless were the no-longer-confusing-but-still-overwhelming emotions he felt.
Cassian was still lost, failing to contend with those overwhelming emotions, when James’s hands found his.
Slowly, James brought Cassian’s hands to his own face, as though he knew precisely what Cassian needed.
Keeping his eyes closed and thus the evidence of his breaking resolve contained, Cassian began to stroke James’s cheeks with his thumbs.
On the third or fourth caress, he felt the wetness of newly shed tears, but still, the familiarity of sweetly rubbing James’s beautiful, pinchable face began to calm him in some strange way, enabling him to finally stop trembling.
Shortly thereafter, James pulled back, lifting his eyes to meet Cassian’s, and Cassian knew that they were a perfect reflection of his own.
“Do you really love me?” he asked.
All Cassian managed was a wordless nod. He knew that if he spoke, if he said even one single word, he would cry. And he could not allow himself to cry. He refused to.
Still, James’s smile blossomed. He seemed satisfied enough with the answer.
“You know I feel the same for you,” James said. Cassian’s bottom lip began to quiver, a lifetime’s worth of emotional restraint close to shattering completely. “Cassian, I love y—”
Cassian cut him off with a kiss. Desperate to move forward so that he could bed the man he so fervently adored without shattering the perfect, practiced image of himself that he had worked so hard to maintain, Cassian poured everything he had into the kiss, unleashing the newly ignited passion that James had helped him find within himself while walling off both his fears and his overwhelm behind a stronghold of arousal and want.
Less than a minute later, Cassian’s cock was hard, straining to be freed from the confines of his pants.
All he could feel was the need to please and be pleased by the wonderful man before him. Mostly the latter.
“Take off your clothes, James,” he whispered fervently against James’s lips before kissing him once more. “All of them.”
Breathless, James nodded once in response.
Hooking his hands behind his back, Cassian retreated a bit.
Just enough so that he could watch James with ease and see the entirety of his naked form as it came into view.
Keeping his expression stoic, Cassian ignored the hammering of his heart as James removed every piece of his uniform, the clothing creating a small pile on the floor as he did.
All the while, James’s breathing shook, and hearing the sound brought Cassian some semblance of calm, for he himself was on the verge of shaking.
Once James was finished, he straightened his posture and smiled sweetly.
Cassian’s mouth twitched, and he bit back a smile of his own.
Feigning a steadiness that he did not possess, he raked his eyes over James’s naked form, scrutinizing and admiring the man he loved.
He let his eyes fall to James’s cock first, and his own member seemed to swell upon seeing it.
Thick and long, it was larger than Cassian had imagined it would be, and he found himself so enamored that he momentarily forgot to breathe.
He stared, transfixed, for several more seconds, his face flush, until James began to stroke himself and inadvertently broke the spell.
Cassian began to lift his gaze, lingering on every inch of James’s perfect torso, including his lean-but-somehow-soft-looking stomach as well as his lovely smattering of chest hair.
Finally, he reached James’s face, and the man’s sweet smile—somehow both shy and confident at once—made Cassian’s heart stutter.