Chapter Twenty-Two
Cassian
Dread curdled in Cassian’s stomach, and he ran a hand over his face.
Just one lifeboat had been prepared so far and the only men who the officers had allowed on board had been members of Titanic’s crew.
Not men like James, but seamen. Experienced seamen.
Neither he nor James could hope to secure a spot in one soon, it seemed.
Cassian shifted his weight from one foot to the other over and over, noting the tilt of the ship. Even though every movement felt like confirmation of the potentially bleak future that was before him, he couldn’t even force himself to stop. Back and forth. Right to left. Sinking. Sinking. Sinking.
Goddamn it all!
He and James had barely even begun their relationship.
They’d only just promised themselves to each other, only just started to laugh together, to sleep next to each other, to kiss, to cuddle, to fuck.
Dammit, Cassian refused to believe that, after spending the whole of his life not even believing in the concept of romantic love, he’d finally met the most perfect man imaginable—one who had proven to him that love was real—only to have their relationship be cut short at sea.
He would not stand for it!
“When will men be permitted to board the lifeboats?” Cassian called out to the officers in charge.
“Not when there are still women and children around,” one of the officers replied.
“But that boat you’ve loaded, it only looks half full,” Cassian reasoned.
“Let us worry about that,” the same officer retorted.
Immediately, the second officer chimed in. “Yes, we must focus here!”
Cassian clenched his teeth to hold back the scream of frustration that was poised to rip forth.
Beside him, James was watching the scene intensely, worry in his beautiful blue eyes, and Cassian reminded himself that he needed to remain calm and confident, if only to keep the man he loved from panicking.
He took a breath.
“He’s right,” Cassian forced out in a much more measured tone. “Obviously, these men know what they’re doing. After the bulk of the women and children have safely boarded some of the lifeboats, they’ll let the rest of us on the ones that remain.”
“Will there even be enough time?” James asked.
“Or enough boats?” John Quinn chimed in.
Cassian swallowed hard. No, likely not enough of either.
“Of course there will be,” he lied. “You’ll see.”
Someone came up next to them, huffing as though he was in a hurry. Cassian recognized the man at once. It was the nighttime cabin steward responsible for his section on B-Deck. He was carrying a large pile of linens.
“Ah, it seems like your friend was able to find you,” the man said to James, smiling a little, though his eyes were wide and wild and filled with unease.
“Listen, I was asked to find blankets for the passengers boarding the lifeboats. Would you do me a favor by fetching a few more from the B-Deck staterooms? I helped one of the other cabin stewards clean out the lot of blankets from most of the A-Deck cabins already.” Balancing the pile of blankets on his left forearm, he thrust his right hand into his pocket.
“Here.” He handed James a single key with a metal tag.
“It’s the key for the staterooms on B-Deck. ”
“Uhm. But . . .” James blinked at the key a few times. “Won’t there be . . . water?”
“Not yet,” the steward said. “Hopefully.”
One of the officers called out, “Blankets! Do we have blankets here for the passengers?”
“Coming! I have them!” the steward yelled back. He nodded at James. “Best of luck to you tonight, sir.”
The man strode away. James looked over at Cassian.
“I-I have to go find blankets,” he stammered, his words rushing out as he shook his head in disbelief. “Our ship is sinking, and I have to find blankets.”
“Then I will come with you.” Cassian placed a hand on one of James’s shoulders and squeezed. “We should find some for ourselves anyway. We’ll need them when we board a lifeboat. And I can retrieve a few items from my stateroom as well. Valuables.”
James chewed on his bottom lip for a moment.
“What if there’s water?”
“There won’t be,” Cassian said, though he had no way of knowing whether or not such a thing was true.
“What if the ship makes a sudden plunge while we’re retrieving the blankets? What if we’re in a cabin and at first there’s no water but then there’s a whole rush of water?”
“Well, then we better move fast,” Cassian said. He looked over at Ethel and John. “James and I will be back soon. If those officers start letting more men on the boats, I want both of you to board one. Even if we aren’t back yet. Do you understand?”
Both Ethel and John nodded. Cassian took James’s free hand and pulled him forward—relishing the brief bit of forbidden contact—and then let go once they were inside.
On their way to B-Deck, they passed swarms of people—some of them worried and frantic, others eerily calm—and maybe it was only Cassian’s imagination, but it felt as though the ship was becoming more and more lopsided as they hurried through it.
In only minutes, though, they reached the B-Deck staterooms. Thank God the flooding seemed not to have reached this part of the ship as of yet.
Hurriedly, Cassian and James entered random rooms, swiping blankets off of beds.
Cassian kept checking on James, making sure that the man was still holding himself together.
Surprisingly, even though James was very clearly frightened, he was somehow managing to stay focused on his mission.
Every movement he made, every action he took, he executed with poise and purpose and expediency.
And Cassian couldn’t help but feel a little proud of his wonderful steward for it.
Despite the fact that James’s courage and confidence were softer and quieter than Cassian’s own, James still clearly possessed plenty of both, and seeing them was providing Cassian with a renewed sense of hope that perhaps they’d make it out of this alive.
Next, James unlocked Cassian’s room.
Cassian pushed past him and hurried inside.
He threw the pile of blankets he’d been holding onto the floor and immediately went to find the most important possessions that he’d brought with him to Europe.
As soon as he located his leather suitcase in the closet, he threw it open.
Inside, hidden beneath a couple of shirts, there was a bundle of five thousand dollars in cash plus his father’s pocket watch.
He shoved the cash into his pants pocket.
James knelt beside him as he picked up the watch.
Dangling it from its chain, Cassian held it out for James to see.
“Are those—”
“Diamonds,” Cassian confirmed. “Forty-seven of them.”
“Jesus.”
Cassian took hold of James’s suit jacket.
“Couldn’t let this sink with the ship,” Cassian said, shoving it into the inner pocket of James’s jacket. “Not now that we were forced to come here for the blankets regardless.”
“Are you sure that you want me to be the one to hold onto it?”
“Of course. Why shouldn’t my new most important possession protect my previously most important possession?” Cassian said with a light chuckle. “Besides, it isn’t as though I can reach into my own breast pocket so easily.”
Precisely the moment that the last sentence escaped Cassian’s lips, his face fell as a realization struck him. James’s face fell, too.
“Lifebelt,” James blurted out before he began frantically patting his chest. “I forgot somehow. I forgot that I never found one for myself. Oh, God, I need a lifebelt!”
Cassian poked his head inside the closet and looked around. No lifebelts. Probably Ethel and John had taken them. Or else one of the other stewards.
“We’ll find you one,” Cassian said before pushing himself to stand. “Let’s go.”
After scooping up the piles of blankets, Cassian and James left the room.
They checked one of the other nearby staterooms but had no luck.
Then, Cassian remembered that since Ethel and John had taken the lifebelts from his room, their rooms still ought to have some.
Together, they first checked John’s room and then Ethel’s. Nothing.
When Cassian faced James to see his reaction, his heart about cracked in two. James’s face was weary-worn, his eyes fearful and filled with sorrow. Oh, the poor man looked so broken and frightened. Immediately, Cassian flung his blankets onto Ethel’s bed, and then he began untying his lifebelt.
“What are you doing?!” James shrieked. “You can’t give me yours!”
“I’ll be fine,” Cassian assured him. “You’ve seen me swim. I may as well be a participant in those Olympic Games.”
James huffed a light, tired laugh.
“You know I love your confidence, Cassian, but sometimes your conceit still surprises me,” James said. “It’s a freezing cold ocean, not a heated swimming bath.”
“Doesn’t matter.” Cassian pulled his lifebelt over his head and put it on James.
He reached behind the man to take hold of the ties and then hurriedly began to knot them.
“I promised you once that I’d keep you safe, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.
We’ll make it out of this, James. Both of us.
” He secured the last tie. “There.” Cassian began to pull away but then realized something else.
Something perhaps equally as important. “Hold on a moment. I forgot something.”
Before James could reply, Cassian took hold of the loose fabric closest to the shoulders of James’s lifebelt and pulled him in for a fierce, bruising kiss.
James let out the softest, sweetest whimper as their lips moved together, and when they parted, both of them breathless, Cassian nuzzled James’s nose.
“I love you, James. And I want to spend my life with you. Only you. Only and always.”
James let out a shaky breath and smiled.
“Only and always,” he echoed.