Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
James
Over the course of only a few minutes, more and more passengers began to swarm Titanic’s boat deck.
Earlier, there had only been a few relatively small clusters of passengers close to the lifeboats, most of the crowds orderly, even when the majority of men were informed that they could not leave with their loved ones.
Now, however, there were suddenly hordes of people—men, women, and children—all rushing toward the remaining lifeboats and pleading to be taken aboard.
Seeing the terror-stricken faces of the children and hearing their helpless cries stole the breath from James’s lungs, calling forth a swell of sympathy that nearly sent him to his knees.
He stood frozen for the next several minutes, a heap of blankets still cradled in his arms, unsure of whether or not he could even hand them to the officers amidst the chaos.
“Dammit, where did all of these people come from?” Cassian asked from beside him. “Dear God!”
James began to feel lightheaded. How could they ever get a lifeboat now?
Earlier, it had seemed possible, like maybe if they waited calmly for a little longer, the women and children present on board would eventually be whisked away to safety, and then the remaining boats could be filled with the men who were left here on the boat deck.
But now James was beginning to realize just how many people there were aboard Titanic.
Including more women and children, who had a right to spots on the remaining lifeboats, especially above someone like him—a lowly saloon steward, one who was unwed and who hadn’t sired even a single child—and even someone like Cassian, since he, too, was an unmarried, childless man, wealthy though he was.
“Come on, James.” Cassian shoved him forward toward the couple of lifeboats closer to the sinking bow. “We have to catch one.”
But James not only knew how improbable such a feat would likely be, but how cruel, too.
How callous he’d have to be to fight his way to the front of the crowds and steal a spot from someone else, especially since that someone might be an innocent child.
Still, James couldn’t make himself push back right now.
He hadn’t the strength for it. Instead, he let Cassian coax him forward and hoped that he could at least unload the blankets somehow.
Soon, the two men reached the first lifeboat nearest to the First-Class Smoking Room.
Glancing over, even though he couldn’t see inside, James was hit with a sea of memories from his shifts there, some only formed mere hours ago, though now it felt as though a whole lifetime had passed since.
Gathered around the lifeboat, there were men pushing and shoving and shouting and begging to be let in.
James took one wobbly step forward, intending to offload the blankets, when a shot rang out, the sound so thunderous that it shook him to his core, reverberating in his chest.
“Stand back!” one of the officers shouted.
James released the blankets, and they landed in a heap on the deck in front of him as he clasped his hands over his mouth. Cassian, too, reeled back, his eyes widening with shock. Seconds passed while James stood there with his heartbeat thundering in his ears.
Then, James heard a man who was standing beside the boat say, “You hold mommy’s hand on the boat and be a good little girl.”
James released an anguished cry, the sound ripping forth from his throat, and then he whirled around to face away.
Cassian immediately wrapped him up in an embrace, social norms and propriety be damned, and pushed a hand through James’s hair.
James squeezed his eyes shut, cursing himself for being so emotional, but unable to keep the now-constant waves of sympathy and grief from pummeling him.
“Let’s go inside for a while,” Cassian said into his ear. “It must be calmer there.”
After a brief pause, James inhaled a quivering breath and nodded.
Dazed, he followed Cassian inside the vessel, and the two moved to the Smoking Room where James collapsed into the first chair he saw.
Several seconds ticked by as the shock of having witnessed such a harrowing scene passed through him.
Finally, once James’s heart rate slowed and the sorrow cleared from his eyes, he was able to survey the room.
Surprisingly, there were still a few people present in the strangely calm oasis, smoking and playing cards while mayhem raged outside the walls of the ship.
“Cassian,” James began through an exhale, “I cannot board a boat, not while there are still so many women and children fighting for spots on them.”
“I know,” Cassian said, his voice tight, but kind. He knelt beside James. “I knew it the moment that I saw your face out there when the officer fired his gun.”
“Do you hate me for it?” James asked softly.
Cassian shook his head. “No.”
James swallowed hard, his eyes welling up again.
“It’s not that I’m content to die here. I want to live, Cassian.
Of course I want to live. But I cannot shove my way through a crowd such as that one and ask to be saved ahead of others.
Or sneak onto a boat, like some of those men were seemingly hoping to do. ”
“I know, James,” Cassian said with a small, warm smile. He leaned in close. “It’s one of the reasons that I fell for you. You are an exceptional person.”
One single tear escaped James’s eye, and he wiped his cheek with his sleeve.
He and Cassian sat in silence for a little longer, and James spent the time wondering what they were to do.
Obviously, James still wanted to make it out of this alive.
He knew that Cassian did as well. But James couldn’t even imagine how such a thing would be possible.
Neither could he fully comprehend what he knew must be the potential horrors ahead, even as his mind worked furiously to come up with a plan to still reach New York’s harbor without being forced to nab a lifeboat spot that was meant for someone more vulnerable than either himself or his companion.
Mr. Jacob Calbot’s voice cut through James’s thoughts.
“Cassian! Mr. Morrow!” He ran over in a huff. “Oh, I can’t even believe my eyes.”
“Jacob!” Cassian exclaimed, standing.
He and Mr. Calbot hugged. After they parted, Mr. Calbot heaved a heavy sounding sigh.
“Ingrid and I still have not found a lifeboat,” he said. “It looks as though you haven’t either. And I cannot convince Ingrid to board one without me. But I have to. Cassian, I have to. She is carrying our child.”
“Yes, we must convince her,” Cassian agreed. “Where is she now?”
“Just outside the Smoking Room, near the staircase. I suggested that we come inside because of the chaos and the cold.”
“James and I had precisely the same idea.”
“But now we must find a boat for her. I need to save my child. But Ingrid, she is reluctant to leave me. She’s frightened of the little boats, too. Afraid that they will overturn in the water.”
“James and I will help convince her,” Cassian said. He looked over his shoulder at James. “Are you . . . ready to return to the boat deck? Do you have your wits about you?”
James nodded. Cassian gestured for James to follow him and then started out of the room with Mr. Calbot. James managed to push himself to his feet, though his legs shook as he walked.
At the head of the staircase, they met Mr. Calbot’s wife, who was clutching tight to a fur stole she had wrapped around her shoulders over her lifebelt.
“Ingrid, love, look who I found,” Mr. Calbot said.
“Cassian,” she said, with a small, uncertain smile. “Where’s Ethel?”
“Ethel and Mr. Quinn have both left in a lifeboat,” Cassian said. “We must find one for you as well.”
“Not without Jacob,” she insisted. “Oh, Cassian, not without my Jacob. I cannot leave without him. And the boats—we must be sixty or seventy feet above the water. I’m too frightened.”
“Think of your child, Ingrid,” Cassian pleaded.
“Your child needs you to be brave right now. I will find a boat for the rest of us later. Jacob, James, and I—we’ll manage.
Three strong, capable men? We’ll make it through.
But you are in a delicate condition. Don’t be so foolish as to think that things will become easier the more time passes.
Already, there is more fighting, more unrest, than before. ”
“Ingrid, please,” Mr. Calbot implored. “Let us find you a boat.”
Cassian and Mr. Calbot’s pleas rang in the silence that hung between them all.
After some time, Mrs. Calbot closed her eyes and nodded.
Immediately, Cassian started for the exit.
Everyone followed. Mr. Calbot kept his wife close, rubbing her shoulder as they walked, while James trailed behind, praying that there were enough lifeboats left for Mrs. Calbot to board one.
On the boat deck, there were still many people remaining, mostly men as far as James was able to see in their immediate area.
Closest to the stern on the port side of the ship, one boat remained, and over the sound of the music still playing, James could hear an officer calling for women and children.
“Over there!” he shouted, pointing. “Look!”
“Good eye, James,” Cassian commended him.
All four of them rushed over.
“Women and children only, please,” the officer remarked the moment they reached the lifeboat.
“Of course, of course,” Mr. Calbot said.
He took his wife’s hands in his and looked into her wide, worry-filled eyes with an intensity of fondness that pulled on James’s heart so fiercely he had to look away.
James was still staring at his shoes as the man said farewell to his pregnant wife.
“I’ll find a boat, love. I’ll find a way back to you.
But, in the meantime, whenever you feel frightened while out on the sea, think of the health of our child. Be brave for our little one.”