Chapter 27 #2
“After we get you back to the room, I’ll go look for them.”
James wanted to protest. But he was still shaking. He curled his hand into a fist to see if he could make himself stop if he held it like that long enough. Cassian must have noticed.
“James,” he said, his voice stern but warm. “You need to rest.”
Frowning, James heaved a sigh and relaxed his hand. Cassian was right. James hadn’t fallen asleep earlier, not for more than a minute or two at a time, and maybe this new medication would help.
“All right,” James finally agreed.
Cassian nodded approvingly.
Together, James and Cassian walked back to the stateroom.
On the way, James searched for John and Ethel in the crowds of people they passed, even though he still felt too unsteady to focus well.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t find them, though he wasn’t sure if that was because he and Cassian really hadn’t passed them or because his mind was too muddled to have registered their faces.
Hopefully Cassian would have better luck on his own soon enough.
Once the men were back in the room, Cassian poured a teaspoon’s worth of medication onto a metal spoon and fed it to James, following it up with two more.
James scrunched up his face each time, the medication’s bitterness almost unbearable.
Afterward, James and Cassian shared a soft, brief kiss, and then Cassian left to find his friends while James climbed into bed.
Folding his slightly shaky hands atop his chest, James stared up at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to come.
Soon, James’s hands stopped trembling, and a warmth needled over his skin, starting in his extremities and moving inward.
Calmness overtook him, pouring over him like honey.
Blanketed in a cocoon of warm tranquility, the echoing screams in his head faded to a whisper, and the flashing images of the horrors he’d witnessed became blurs.
Not long after, James’s mind went blank, and then there was nothing except for the present—the still and silent stateroom and the heaviness of his fast-numbing limbs.
Finally, he felt at peace again.
Sometime later, someone knocked.
Bleary-eyed, James peeled himself off the mattress and sat up, wondering whether it might be Cassian in the hall. Had he locked the door earlier? He honestly couldn’t remember.
James shook his head once, hoping to clear the fog, but when it failed to work, he resigned himself to answering as he was. Reluctantly, James wobbly-walked to the door.
He opened it to find two people in the corridor, their worry-worn faces only vaguely familiar for the first half second before recognition hit him.
“John. Mr. Quinn. John,” James said. He squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m medicated. Sorry. I’m medicated and forgetting myself. I can’t remember what I’m meant to call you.”
“Well, John is more familiar. And we survived a shipwreck together. So maybe that one?” John said.
James smiled to himself. He liked that answer. Upon reopening his eyes, he immediately remembered that he hadn’t acknowledged Cassian’s ex-fiancée.
“Ethel, you’re here too. Do you prefer Ethel? Or Miss Barrington?”
“Ethel is fine,” she said with a warm, light laugh. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m not. Feeling. I’m not feeling much, I mean. Because of the medication I took.”
“Oh.” Ethel’s forehead creased again. “Have you eaten?”
James shook his head. “Not since the soup.”
“John and I brought a bit more of it,” she said, holding up a bowl. “Would you like some?”
It took James a second to comprehend what they were offering, and then, once he did, he immediately thought that he might cry. Good God, how kind these people were.
“I’d love some,” James said through a contented exhale. He covered his heart with his hand. “Thank you. Sincerely.”
Ethel and John both chuckled a bit, seemingly amused by his histrionics. James moved aside so that John and Ethel could come in.
Ethel handed James the bowl as John shut the door. Mind still hazy, James sat cross-legged on the floor to eat it. After a pause, John and Ethel sat on the edge of the bed.
“I promise I’m not like this normally,” James said. “However it is that I’m being right now. I have a feeling that I’m not behaving like myself.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Ethel said in a friendly tone.
“You know, my mother is on some sort of medication right now as well. She’s absolutely shocked about the sinking.
She really believed that she’d be brought back on the ship after a while.
And then she spent hours thinking that she’d lost me.
Even here on Carpathia, she hasn’t been herself yet.
Despite knowing that I’m fine, she still seems . . . lost.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” James said.
“Thank you. Luckily, the physicians here think that she will recover in time.”
“Yes, that’s exactly what one of the physicians said to me, too. He thinks that my brain must be struggling to cope right now, is all.”
“See, you’ll be right as rain soon enough,” John said encouragingly.
James smiled up at him. “I hope so.”
Over the next few minutes, he had a couple of bites of soup while Ethel and John sat quietly.
“I can only imagine how tired Cassian must be of having to take care of me so much,” James remarked after a while. “Although, I imagine that he likes the closeness at least as much as I do. Everyone likes cuddling. Don’t they?”
As soon as the words left James’s lips, he realized the implication behind them, and his eyes blew wide.
He fumbled the spoon, and it clattered against the porcelain brim of the bowl.
Dread settled heavy in his stomach, and his head snapped up so that he could see Ethel’s and John’s reactions. Both of them looked stunned.
Cassian had hinted that they had become friends, maybe, but as far as James knew, Cassian hadn’t explicitly confessed to either of them the true nature of their relationship. Would they know now, though? Thanks to the thoughtless comment that he’d made?
“I-I shouldn’t have said that,” James blurted out before either John or Ethel could speak.
He blew out a forceful breath and hoped that he could somehow take everything back.
“Cassian hasn’t been taking care of me,” he lied.
“He isn’t even nice to me. In fact, he’s horrible.
” James winced. He couldn’t say that about sweet, selfish Cassian.
“No. No, that’s a lie. Sorry. He’s not horrible.
He’s wonderful.” He cringed even more. “No. Not that either. Of course he’s not wonderful,” he said with an uneasy, pained laugh, which transformed into a sigh. “I should stop, shouldn’t I?”
All of the beautiful, warm, euphoric numbness that James had been feeling earlier instantly became overshadowed by cold icy fear and scorching hot embarrassment. He began to sweat, his cheeks flushing even as a shudder rolled up his spine.
“Ah. Well,” Ethel fumbled as she and John looked at each other. “I’m sorry, James, but I’m not . . .” She paused and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. “What I’m trying to say is that I’ve never encountered this sort of . . . friendship before, so I’m not certain how I should react.”
“Admittedly, I’m not so certain myself,” John said, both to Ethel and to James. And then, after looking back and forth between them a few times, he shifted to face Ethel more squarely and took her hands. “But I like Mr. Morrow.”
“You can call me James,” James interjected.
“I like James,” he amended. “And Cassian is—was—the best employer that I’ve ever had. He was kind. Harsh, with high expectations, but exceedingly kind overall, even without meaning to be, which I think is even kinder in some respects. And he saved our lives on the ship, Ethel. Didn’t he?”
Ethel nodded thoughtfully. “He did. And I like James, too.”
“So, where does that leave us, then?” John asked.
James squeezed his eyes closed and then reopened them. He must have been hallucinating. Were Ethel and John really having this conversation right in front of him?
Before James could ask if it was really happening, someone burst into the room. James startled at the sound and looked over. It was Cassian, holding a plate full of food. He froze the moment he saw the scene.
“John, Ethel,” he spluttered. “I looked everywhere for you. When did you—”
“Cassian, they know,” James said. “About us.”
Cassian hurried inside and shut the door.
“Jesus, James, keep your voice down,” he scolded.
James lowered his head. “Sorry. But I said something that I shouldn’t have. Something foolish. And I needed you to know as soon as possible. Because right before you came in here, I think our friends were in the middle of deciding whether or not they should report us to someone.”
“What?!” John blurted out, his eyes popping. “Goodness, no, we weren’t! Or, well, at least I wasn’t.”
“Neither was I!” Ethel said. “I was only wondering how best to react to the confirmation of your friendship with James. Not that I was wondering whether I should continue to be cordial with you over it or whether I ought to let others know your secret, but I was wondering whether continuing our friendship would be . . . wise, in certain respects.” She frowned.
“I suppose that’s not much better, though. ”
“I really would like to remain friends with Cassian myself,” John said. “And with James.”
Cassian’s mouth curled into a small half smile.
“Thank you, John.” He looked at Ethel. “And you, Ethel?”