Chapter 13 Cooper
Cooper
Luna blinks a few times, but before she realises what is happening, we sing ‘Happy birthday’.
She sits up on her bed and covers her face with both her hands.
I didn’t care that we were embarrassing her because I was here celebrating the birthday of the person who means the world to me, with the people who matter the most to her.
I would do it the same way all over again, if it means that Luna feels adored and loved on her important day.
Yes, love. My heart picks up speed as I roll the word ‘love’ around in my brain.
But I try not to pull focus from her birthday.
Luna’s eyes roam over the numbers on the cake.
She breathes in and lets out a deep sigh before shaking her head and blowing out the candles.
She feeds all of us a piece of the cake, we all feed her a piece in return, which I’ve come to learn is an Indian tradition during birthdays.
Her parents hug her, and they both give her a kiss on top of her head before they leave the room to both of us.
Vikram pats my back as he leaves the room.
‘You’re a good man, Cooper,’ he tells me.
My eyes sting hearing that, but I swallow the dryness in my throat and stop myself from crying.
‘Hi,’ Luna says and pats the place next to her on the bed.
‘Hi, Luna.’ I sit next to her and tuck a strand of hair from the front of her face behind her ears.
She shivers under my touch. I move closer and meet our lips together and give her a long kiss, she hums in return.
‘Happy birthday. I’m so glad to be here with you in this moment,’ I say after I pull back from her lips.
I love how I get to know how happy she is when she hums. I have never once felt like I truly belonged anywhere or with anyone, but with Luna, I feel a sense of belonging so much so that the words effortlessly leave my mouth.
‘Me too.’ Her eyes dart between mine, her eyebrows crease momentarily, but she lets out a deep sigh and smiles.
‘What is it?’ I ask, mirroring her smile.
She shakes her head. ‘I was worried about something, but I looked at you and knew what to do.’
‘What is it about?’ My heartbeat threatens to reveal my feelings for her.
‘Nothing.’ Her smile hasn’t wavered, so I let it go.
‘Okay, quickly put something warm on. I’ll be waiting in my car downstairs.’ I quickly adjust my shirt’s neckline.
‘What? But—’ She sits up straight and throws her hands up.
‘Your parents know, don’t worry. I’ll bring you back home safely.’ I reassure her. She has been extra cautious to not let her parents worry ever since Apollo’s death. I quickly peck on her lips before I leave the room.
I drive both of us half an hour away from her place, and my eyes dart between the road and Luna periodically, a warmth spreading across my chest. This night is going to be extra special.
Once we reach Box Hill, we get out of the car, and I lead us up a hill to the small picnic that I prepared.
I thought I knew how it was going to be, but my breath is taken away by the view of the sky at this hour in the night.
The lights are scant, and the sky can breathe more.
We witness its true beauty with the explosion of stars and satellites.
I look over at Luna to observe her reaction. I painstakingly found out every detail about the setup that Apollo used to do for her in their childhood, so that I can recreate it as closely as possible.
Her face roams over the picnic, the food and the sky above her – taking in every single detail. I am apprehensive if she is satisfied with what she is seeing, but when she jumps into my arms and holds me tightly, all doubts evaporate from my head.
‘This means the world to me. Thank you so much,’ she says, her voice shaky.
She lets go of me and stands in front of me, looking up into my eyes. The words flow out of my mouth. ‘Anything for you, my moon.’
A smile grazes both of our lips, and we put our foreheads together, soaking in this moment with each other. My heart feels full and so, instead of holding it back for a second longer, I release the words that I was hiding from her. ‘I love you.’
To my surprise, she says it along with me, which makes us both pause for a second – eyes wide in shock, and we giggle at the same time.
‘Okay, you first.’ She teases me.
I would be happy to shout it from the top of this hill right now, but instead I say, ‘I. Love. You. Luna.’ Drawing out every syllable slowly because I mean every single word.
‘I would have never imagined myself being in a position where I could be vulnerable with someone and even fall in love with someone, but you have managed to make me fall in love with you, with ease, by being yourself. You make me so happy.’ I end my confession as my chest aches with the enormous amount of sentiment that this moment stirs within me.
‘I love you, Cooper. I’m so lucky to have you in my life,’ she responds with the same intensity, her eyes glistening and a smile on her face.
We lay together on the blanket, tried to count the stars, point out and name the constellations that we knew and eat the snacks that I packed for us.
Luna suddenly goes silent and starts fidgeting with the chain on her neck – the one that I gave her.
She is thinking about something; it is so loud in her head that I could hear her thoughts outside.
Anxiety washes over me wondering if I reminded her too much about her brother because of this picnic, and inevitably caused her sadness on the day that she was supposed to be happy on.
I reach out to hold her hand. ‘Everything okay?’
She sits up, and I follow suit. She nods at me, but a sadness stains her face, and her fingers fidget more with the pendant on her chain. She takes a big breath. ‘Apollo was my age right now when he passed.’
I give her time to finish what she was saying before I answer.
‘I feel guilty for continuously growing older without him. It feels weird to be the same age as him, Coop. And I will one day become older than him, and he will still stay twenty-two, frozen in time.’
I don’t know if my words can bring any consolation to the heaviness in her, but I pull her into me so that I can help her hold the big feelings within her heart. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper.
She nods against my chest, and she wraps her arms tight around my waist. I let her hold me for however long she wants, until she feels better.
‘I got into the PhD program.’ She breaks the silence.
I pull apart and turn to face her, holding her arms with both my hands.
‘What? That is amazing, Luna! Obviously, my girl got into the program.’ I try to convey my enthusiasm for her news.
But she still stays silent, her head facing down.
I rub the side of her arm in the rhythm of a metronome. ‘Luna?’
She looks up at me, and her eyes are already full of tears. ‘It’s in Germany, Cooper.’
All I could get out was ‘Oh.’ That means she won’t be here in a few months.
I won’t be able to hold her in my arms. I falter for a second, but of course, I am happy for her.
Right? She deserves this and more for the amount of hard work that she has put into her career.
‘That is still good. You get a chance to do what you have worked for all your life.’
She is quiet, lost in her thoughts. This isn’t like her; she would be ecstatic about this news if it were the Luna that I met four months back. But something has changed, and I can’t help but feel like I have something to do with this.
‘I don’t want to go.’ She winces as she says it, as if she is pricking herself with her words.
I am taken aback. The Luna I knew would never do anything to give up on her future, especially not when it is right within her reach. ‘Why?’ My voice comes out plain.
‘Because I don’t want to leave you,’ she responds matter-of-factly.
The blood rushes from my face, and I probably look like I saw a ghost. I don’t want Luna to leave either, but I also know that it’s not right for her to throw away all the work she did, just for me.
I can’t let her do that, I won’t. ‘It’s not right, Luna.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. ’ My voice comes out stern.
‘I will always get another opportunity, but I can’t lose you, Cooper.’ Her voice rises in loudness. She sounds like she is trying to convince herself more than convince me.
‘Why do you want to give up on it entirely? We can try to make it work somehow.’
‘I can’t, Cooper.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because of my PhD, my work requires all my time and effort. I know that I won’t have time to give you, and inevitably it might lead to us breaking up.’ I can hear the frustration in her voice.
‘How will you know if you never try Luna?’
‘What if something happens to you when I’m gone? Then what?’ She bites out the words.
My body stiffens, she thinks that her leaving might cause something to happen to me, like what happened to Apollo.
I know her; nothing I say is going to convince her.
This isn’t right. I can’t risk her staying here for me and eventually choosing to lea—.
My stomach tightens, my hands tremble as I swallow the lump in my throat.
I squeeze my eyes shut, and I prepare myself for what I am going to do. ‘Let’s end this, Luna.’
I watch the blood rush down her face. ‘What?’
‘There is no point in staying here when there is nothing to stay for.’ I spit out the words as they leave claw marks inside my throat. I turn around to not face her anymore. I cannot bear to see the pain on her face because of me. My head feels heavy, and a wave of nausea crashes into me.
‘Are you breaking up with me?’ She sounds defeated.
You are doing the right thing for her. You are doing the right thing. The right thing. The voices chant in my head. I believe them.
‘Don’t do this, Cooper, please.’ The warmth of her skin radiates near my arm, her hand lingering behind mine.
I stay silent. If I say something now, I will change my mind. I can’t live with myself if I let her give up everything she worked for. I stay with my back turned to her, my throat thick with tears.
‘Is that it? You are going to throw us away, just like that? I thought you loved me, Cooper?’ Her voice cracks as she says that.
There is still a glimmer of hope in her words, hoping that this is all a misunderstanding and that I will agree with her choice.
I hide the pain in my expression, my face devoid of any emotion, my fists clenched before turning to face her again.
I train my eyes on her as I say, ‘Your world doesn’t have to revolve around me.
We are over Luna, and that is final.’ My heart roars inside my chest. I just lost her entirely.
She moves back from me, as if I physically hit her.
‘I can’t believe I thought that you were going to protect my heart.
You ended up being just like Charlie.’ Her words come out as sharp as a knife.
She waits a minute to see if I would say anything.
Disappointed in my silence, she shakes her head and walks away, down the hill.
I clutch my chest as I listen to the sounds of her sniffling and watch the silhouette of her fade away from me.
The ghost of her presence is strong; I still smell her perfume in the air.
This was the aftermath of my decisions, and I have to live with it.
‘What have I done?’ I mutter to no one in particular, as I look at the sky above me and allow myself to cry until my throat is raw. Salty tears flow rapidly down my face.
I walk to my car holding onto the single thought that this was the right thing to do, my heart selfishly hopes that she is waiting by the car, but her absence tells me that I have done what I meant to do – pushed her away.
She is gone, and I don’t know if I will ever see her or hold her again.
The only thing I can do as I drive back home is hope that she does well in life and becomes successful as an astronaut.