Chapter 22 Luna
Luna
My head feels heavy, and my temples pulsate as I wake.
I barely drank anything yesterday at the pub, but my head is still pounding.
I came back home and spent hours on my bed awake in the darkness, thinking about Cooper and our past. It was the first time in a couple of years that I had actively thought about him.
He crossed my mind once in a while in Germany, but I always kept myself busy so that I didn’t have to think about him.
Eventually, he became the crease created by a dog-eared page that was later unfolded.
The marks from his existence in my life are always there, but it isn’t prominent enough to notice.
I even tried dating, but neither my packed schedule nor the bruise on my heart let anyone stay around for long.
The last thing I knew about Cooper’s life was during my first year in Germany, when I asked my Mum about him against my best judgment.
He was supposedly doing an art course in Chennai that spanned multiple years.
I assumed that he was still there. I didn’t expect him to be here when I am visiting, only for a week before my pre-flight quarantine.
But of course, by the coincidence of the universe, I had to face him after all those years that passed between us.
I never even got a chance to spot the changes in his appearance, to analyse if the years had been kind to him or not.
But I suppose that is mostly my fault because I bolted out of there immediately.
I go downstairs to the kitchen to get something to drink and pray that the headache goes away.
I can’t spend an entire day sitting in my house and nursing my headache.
Time is of the essence. I want to spend as much time as possible visiting the familiar places in Kingston and spending time with family.
I only have three days left in my visit, four days flew by – four days I spent eating home-cooked food, having good conversations with my parents and showing Zara around Kingston.
She left for her friend’s place last night, from where she’ll go back to Germany.
My Mum spots me coming down the stairs. ‘Did you not sleep well, muffin?’
‘No, I had a nightmare, Mum.’ Nightmare of how I am going to face Cooper if I run into him again.
‘Aww, I’m sorry about that, Lulu. Let me make you chamomile tea tonight so that you can sleep better,’ she says as I sit at the table facing the kitchen.
It warms my heart how much my Mum still sees me as her little child, even though I am twenty-nine.
I watch her whip up her scrumptious strawberry pancakes and notice how she is growing older, too.
I don’t know how many years I have left with her and Appa, but I selfishly send a mental note to the universe to keep them here longer.
She places a plate of warm pancakes topped with fresh strawberries in front of me, and she places a bottle of honey and chocolate syrup right next to the plate on the counter, before turning towards the stove to cook more pancakes.
I look back and forth between the honey and the chocolate syrup, realising what she has done. I only ever have my pancakes with chocolate syrup, and no one else likes honey in my house, except—. I reach out to the honey, open the lid and squeeze it onto my pancakes in parallel lines.
Mum hears the flip-top lid close on the bottle, and she turns around quickly. ‘Wait, I forgot you don’t like honey.’ Her eyes fall on my pancakes covered in honey, and she watches me cut a bite out of the pancake and eat it.
Our eyes meet, and I smile softly and nod at her. She takes in a breath and nods knowingly in return before going back to what she was doing moments ago.
I take more bites of the pancake and absent-mindedly swirl around the fruits on the plate while looking off into the distance. I usually chatter more than this at the breakfast table. Mum notices that something feels off.
‘Everything okay, Lulu?’ Mum asks.
I blink back and focus on her. ‘Of course.’ I smile, but her expression suggests that I am not convincing anyone. She smiles back at me and says okay.
I used to keep my pain within myself when I was here doing my master’s.
I still do sometimes, but for the most part, my friends – Zara and Darshan – and my parents have shown me that it’s okay to lean on someone’s shoulders for support and that I don’t always have to lock my problems in a safe to have space to listen to everyone else’s problems.
I take in a breath and form the sentence in my head before I say it out loud. ‘Do you know why Cooper is here in Kingston, Mum? Wasn’t he doing the art program in Chennai the last time I asked you?’
Her face drops the moment I ask the question.
She hesitates because of her gut feeling that Cooper had done something to hurt me when we broke up.
I don’t blame her; I haven’t even forgotten about it.
But she still answers. ‘He came back to Kingston two years ago, and he opened an art gallery a year ago. He invited your Appa and me to the opening as a thank you to your Appa for recommending the course to him. But I didn’t go, Muffin. ’
My heart clashes with my head. Although it upsets me that Cooper reached out to my parents but not me, I am still prouder than ever of him finally doing what he wanted to do in life and getting the recognition he deserves.
But the voices in my head grow louder, telling me that he still doesn’t care about me.
‘Oh, okay. Thanks, Mum, I know you don’t like talking about Cooper. But thank you for still telling me.’
‘It’s okay, Muffin. All I want is for you to not get hurt.’
I have the last bite of the pancakes, hop down from the chair and hug Mum from the side. ‘I’m going to go out to the town centre for some time.’ I go upstairs to change into outside clothes.
I walk by the riverside, and the sunlight falls on my skin, covering me like a blanket. I bathe in the warmth of the sun, close my eyes and take a deep breath of the fresh air. I walk a bit longer and sit on the grass to people-watch.
A young boy starts a running race with his sister and runs quickly, yet he slows down to let her win.
But she slows down too after noticing him, and they reach the winning line together, which leaves them in giggles.
Their parents are walking hand in hand, drinking in the sight of each other, with grins on their faces.
An old man is sitting on the bench and is feeding little pieces of bread to the pigeons.
The ducks and swans waddle across the water, sometimes dipping their whole head in to cool themselves.
I thank the universe because I get to spend quality time in my hometown.
I revel in its beauty and take mental pictures to recall when I will spend days floating in the Earth’s orbit.
I missed being home, breathing the familiar air, being part of this community and getting to eat the best home-cooked food.
My phone chimes with a text message notification, and I click on it to find a text from Darshan. He sent a photo of himself and his boyfriend sitting outside our favourite bakery in Germany, eating chocolate croissants. And attached to the image was a text message. Thinking of you <3.
My heart bursts with joy looking at the photo. You will face the consequences of having chocolate croissants without me. I respond
He responds within seconds. Looking forward to it, Lu :P
I can’t help but smile at his message. Darshan is an absolute goofball and the best person ever. My stomach rumbles after seeing those scrumptious pastries. I get up to walk towards Cafe Leche. I’m going to have a few or a few dozen chocolate croissants before I leave for my mission.
I open the door to hear the familiar jingle. My sight immediately falls on the pastry display, but before I can walk further, the person who is standing next to the till makes me freeze in place.